(no subject)
It's been a while since I've written down something that I've been thinking. And having myspace doesn't really help b/c I don't really want anything else to read what's going on in my head. I suppose I believe not alot of ppl read this thing so it makes it easier for me to jot down whatever is going on in my head.
I have to say... it's really weird to be aware of my changes. The thing is, I have changed... I realize alot about myself and what's going on around me. It's like fate and I are working together... she's controlling the changes around and helping me cope with all those changes. This past year I've found out what I want in life... I suppose more like what I want to have in my life. I was able to to get rid of a couple of people whom affected my life in a bad way. One was my ex. I suppose ever since we broke up, she somehow still had some control on me. Every time we were together in a club or out hanging out with friend, it just felt like a competition always. Who can hurt the other first, or who can make the other jealous first/most or who can pretend to be hardest the most. I always questioned why she could never accept the changes I went through and a friend told me, b/c she had her heart broken. This is when my conceited personality comes in because I cannot fathom the thought of someone else's pain. I've always had this notion of being the one in pain... or heartbroken or in misery because it's always being done to me. So, when I did it to her, I really didn't think much of it. I really didn't believe that she could love me that much. I've always believe that us being together just became comfortable to her, but I wasn't comfortable with her. So, she tried to hold on to me but I was ready to let go... ready to move on. The thing was, I never envisioned us together for the rest of my life... and this is where I still don't know if I'm being idealistic or not because I've always saw myself with a femme girl... not necessarily really femme but not like me... I'm somewhat butch but still femme but more towards the "man" side when it comes to my behavior. I want someone that I can take care of... I want to be the one that's giving anything and everything... I want to be the protector, the provider of anything, I want to be the one that holds the girl when she's scared or sad or just want to be embraced. As cliche as that might sound, it's just who I am. And I can tell why it's because of my up bringing in this world... the way I understood things and interpreted it... but when we were together, she was the one that took my character... and in return, I couldn't provide what she needed. I couldn't be the one in need of a protector... when I did need one, I totally gave her all the "control or power" of consoling me or solving my problems for me and it never felt right. When I broke it off, and had that first intimacy with the right type of girl, I could not even describe how right it felt.
The second one was more like a movie how it happened. It was at my friend's anniversary party, and right when I walk in the door, there she was... being her flirty self. I didn't think anything about it, but as the night progresses, she just kept flirting with me and I was enjoying it. Then I found out she had a gf. That was a huge let down for me because here I am meeting someone that I connect with very strongly and she's taken. After that night I really didn't think much about her... then one day she text me that follows much much more texting and talking on the phone and getting to know each other. Despite all the "flaws" that she had, I couldn't see it... because it was exciting, it was taboo, it was forbidden which made it that more fun. It was suppose to be just fun... she made the first move... next thing I knew, I was at her house and an hour past by too fast. I have to admit it was quite an experience. It was passionate, it was exciting, it was electrifying, it was mind blowing that until today, she's still the best fuck I've ever had. I thought it was going to end there, but no... it happened again and again and again... and each time it happened, it got more and more intense, and personal, and intimate. I had no intention of falling inlove, but it crept up to me and slapped me in the face. But as movie inevitably have it, it had it's climax and ending. It didn't end as nicely as I would have like, but I couldn't think of any other way of ending it. After being together for a couple of months, we didn't speak to each other for 3 months, and then something tragic happened to her life and she called me. After a week long of intense talking, it ended with some very unpleasant argument over the phone all because she was jealous of me. What really got me is how connected we were, or least what she made me think, and just for it to happen the way it did. But what can I expect from a professional cheater.
(My brain grew tired of thinking about her)
So, now... here I am. Knowing my potential in a relationship... knowing what I want and what I need in a person... AND possibly knowing the right person for me... BUT...... the wrong time. Everything else is somewhat perfect... well not really. the fact that she has alot of shit that she needs to take care of and for me to focus on school, get my bachelor, move out of my mom's house and get my own place, get a new car and find a good hospital to work in... and after all these, I'll be ready. BUt my thing is........ why couldn't I do all these while being in a relationship.... granted it is a distraction... but i think it would give me peace b/c I don't have to be thinking about looking for someone or doing the "right" thing to prove myself to someone.... and blah blah blah.... geeze. all these thinking is giving tensed muscle... I NEED A GOOD MASSAGE!!!!
I have to say... it's really weird to be aware of my changes. The thing is, I have changed... I realize alot about myself and what's going on around me. It's like fate and I are working together... she's controlling the changes around and helping me cope with all those changes. This past year I've found out what I want in life... I suppose more like what I want to have in my life. I was able to to get rid of a couple of people whom affected my life in a bad way. One was my ex. I suppose ever since we broke up, she somehow still had some control on me. Every time we were together in a club or out hanging out with friend, it just felt like a competition always. Who can hurt the other first, or who can make the other jealous first/most or who can pretend to be hardest the most. I always questioned why she could never accept the changes I went through and a friend told me, b/c she had her heart broken. This is when my conceited personality comes in because I cannot fathom the thought of someone else's pain. I've always had this notion of being the one in pain... or heartbroken or in misery because it's always being done to me. So, when I did it to her, I really didn't think much of it. I really didn't believe that she could love me that much. I've always believe that us being together just became comfortable to her, but I wasn't comfortable with her. So, she tried to hold on to me but I was ready to let go... ready to move on. The thing was, I never envisioned us together for the rest of my life... and this is where I still don't know if I'm being idealistic or not because I've always saw myself with a femme girl... not necessarily really femme but not like me... I'm somewhat butch but still femme but more towards the "man" side when it comes to my behavior. I want someone that I can take care of... I want to be the one that's giving anything and everything... I want to be the protector, the provider of anything, I want to be the one that holds the girl when she's scared or sad or just want to be embraced. As cliche as that might sound, it's just who I am. And I can tell why it's because of my up bringing in this world... the way I understood things and interpreted it... but when we were together, she was the one that took my character... and in return, I couldn't provide what she needed. I couldn't be the one in need of a protector... when I did need one, I totally gave her all the "control or power" of consoling me or solving my problems for me and it never felt right. When I broke it off, and had that first intimacy with the right type of girl, I could not even describe how right it felt.
The second one was more like a movie how it happened. It was at my friend's anniversary party, and right when I walk in the door, there she was... being her flirty self. I didn't think anything about it, but as the night progresses, she just kept flirting with me and I was enjoying it. Then I found out she had a gf. That was a huge let down for me because here I am meeting someone that I connect with very strongly and she's taken. After that night I really didn't think much about her... then one day she text me that follows much much more texting and talking on the phone and getting to know each other. Despite all the "flaws" that she had, I couldn't see it... because it was exciting, it was taboo, it was forbidden which made it that more fun. It was suppose to be just fun... she made the first move... next thing I knew, I was at her house and an hour past by too fast. I have to admit it was quite an experience. It was passionate, it was exciting, it was electrifying, it was mind blowing that until today, she's still the best fuck I've ever had. I thought it was going to end there, but no... it happened again and again and again... and each time it happened, it got more and more intense, and personal, and intimate. I had no intention of falling inlove, but it crept up to me and slapped me in the face. But as movie inevitably have it, it had it's climax and ending. It didn't end as nicely as I would have like, but I couldn't think of any other way of ending it. After being together for a couple of months, we didn't speak to each other for 3 months, and then something tragic happened to her life and she called me. After a week long of intense talking, it ended with some very unpleasant argument over the phone all because she was jealous of me. What really got me is how connected we were, or least what she made me think, and just for it to happen the way it did. But what can I expect from a professional cheater.
(My brain grew tired of thinking about her)
So, now... here I am. Knowing my potential in a relationship... knowing what I want and what I need in a person... AND possibly knowing the right person for me... BUT...... the wrong time. Everything else is somewhat perfect... well not really. the fact that she has alot of shit that she needs to take care of and for me to focus on school, get my bachelor, move out of my mom's house and get my own place, get a new car and find a good hospital to work in... and after all these, I'll be ready. BUt my thing is........ why couldn't I do all these while being in a relationship.... granted it is a distraction... but i think it would give me peace b/c I don't have to be thinking about looking for someone or doing the "right" thing to prove myself to someone.... and blah blah blah.... geeze. all these thinking is giving tensed muscle... I NEED A GOOD MASSAGE!!!!