(no subject)
I have decided to write something down...
So i ahve a week off. Very nice. I need one. I need time to stop thinking about school... to clean stuff around my house/car...to draw something I like, to watch movies, to read the book i borrowed, to wash my dog, to cook, to breath, to sleep... to do nothing and everything I neglect to do when school is in session.
Lately I've been having weird dreams. last nite I dreamt that I had a lil boy and something happened to him. It was set in the future, or something like that... we were wearing some weird clothings... and for some reason my boy was taken away from me... but the thing was I held somekind of high level position in the government... not too high but I felt I was important and I had like a secretary or something... I felt very lesbian... meaning I was a woman but felt that manly presence... anyways, they ( i dunno who they are) took my little boy away and killed him for some reason I didn't know. I remember saying " why did you have to take my boy away? he's my only son!! you didn't have to do that? why did you take my little boy away?!?!" I remember crying really hard... kneeling on the ground and pounding the ground and asking all these questions... I remember the feeling of pain, lost, like my guts were pulled out from my body... i felt so helpless and just soo sad... I remember telling myself to wake up, then I woke up and at the very second, I remember the dream and I started crying... and I couldn't control the crying, and I remember telling myself to go back to sleep then you'll forget about it. I think it's sooo amazingly weird that I'm able to console myself from my psyche... it's like I remember telling myself to wake up b/c it was just a dream... then when I woke up, i told myself to go back to sleep b/c IT WAS only a dream. I went back to sleep and dreamt about something sexual, which I've been dreaming soo much lately...
I think it's soo strange to watch yourself transition into something. I mean usually, people don't notice these things about themselves, But I do. I've been spending so much time being alone... and all those times I've had to battle with it. Just like last nite... I was so bored... so bored out of my head... thought about sneaking out... going to a club... just for an hour... just enough time to be distracted with loud music and people... just enough to suffocate the silence I've become so familiar with.... thought about the people I miss... Jessica... Leiisa... Jeannie.... Chantele..... and even Jenny.... I called my sister and talked to her and Brandon, and I never wanted to be where they were so bad. They have it so good... so normal... so content with life... they have the simple things that I want soo bad. I was talking about it with Jessica... that is what I want. To live in a house with that one person that I'm totally inlove with... doing normal, regular stuff like someone cooking, and the other one is setting the table, joking back and forth, or watching tv, then someone would say "the dinner is ready" and we would eat, conversate, have dessert, then wash the dishes, clear the table, go over to the couch and fall asleep watching tv and holding each other. That sounds sooo much.... and it's something I've longed for... just regular stuff like that.
Today I had lunch and then coffee with my best friend Jessica. She told me something that was soo nice... She told me every time me and her go get coffee and talk about what's going on with our lives and whatever we want in life and our problems... to her, it seems like every time we do it, we step out of the world. I mean it's like we create this bubble around us, and it's seperating us from reality, and we're just observing what's going on in this world... she told me that I'm able to bring that out of her... that feeling of seperation, and realization about the world. I thought that was very nice. It reminds me why and how much I love her. To feel that comfortness with her is something I treasure. I explained to her my view in friendship and she explained to me in a better words and made me realize that I was just looking at it at a weird angle. SHe totally understood my views... yeah the fact that we are alone in the world... even though we have friends, in reality we are alone, and that I've develope this belief and even though I threat all my friend with great love, I have this thought in the back of my head that it'll be ok if then leave. Then, she told me, she also believe that, but there are certain friendships that developes and it intertwine within a person's body/mind/soul that one don't realize that they have become a part of each other's lives. And that's when I realize that even though I am alone, she will always be in my life, she will always be thinking about me, and no matter how far we live away from each other, we will always have that connection. I think that's the concept that I didn't get until now. She's right. It's the same with my sister... I have a deeper connection with her as well... sometimes I feel it with Leiisa but sometimes I don't.
The other day I spend the morning with Jeannie. We went to the fashion show mall and had lunch there. I had so much fun with her. I can't really ellaborate in this day. IT was great. She keeps telling me that she had fun over and over again... called me after I dropped her off at home to tell me she had fun. And today, I spoked to her, and we were experiencing the same boredom and wanting to go out at the same time... literally doing the same thing... counting the mins that's passing by, contemplating how much do each of us want to go out, thinking the same things like just going out of an hour, just enough to fill that loneliness with some company, to just going out by ourselves, feeling the restlessness at home. I don't want to look so much into it anymore.
I'm done.