2am tears
Cw. Being lied to, work/life heartaches, tears
My whole professional life (and main reason for living) is watching others live their (and my) dreams while I wait around for someone to actually see my worth, which they claim to do, while simultaneously breaking my heart.
I've been selling merch for bands I love and bands that need help for over 17 years. I don't drink/always end up driving the Vans.. I have people that travel over 3 hours to see me on tours and not the band but still pay to get in and buy merch to support me..but I cant get any type of commitment. Even with bands I've been with for years. I'm really good at what I do and I care so much and it shows through my work and how I interact with people. It's more than math.
I wish I could sleep, But instead im crying at 3:30am getting up at 630am to do manual labor for $10-$15 per hour to afford to keep going on tours
And i know it's probably nothing but like.. what's so wrong with me that I cant be good enough for anyone to be loyal to me. To want me instead of some dude who's already someone else's tour manager. But will tell me to my face "oh I wish I could take you all the time" He doesnt cost less than I do..I know for a fact. I work for significantly less than im worth to help out bands that need it because I believe in them. He literally has the best life being a tour manager and does whatever he wants and can afford rent and all I do is fucking struggle and get lied to. It doesn't fucking make sense.
In conclusion. If anyone needs a merch person, I'm available, have a passport and would love to tour with someone not a cis/Male who can see my worth.