I've finally fucked up....
I'm not exactly sure what to even write in here anymore.
Thing's have kindof lost their flavor in a sense.
The whole vlogging idea went out the window since I don't know how to use my damn computer.
I'm the computer illiterate asian.
anywho.
As I guess I said in my last entry, things didnt exactly work out as planned.
Altercast was a failure, my gf was a failure, my life thus far has more or less been in a failure.
I can't seem to get that out of my head and the depression i keep feeling is getting worse every day. I've had to smoke off every feeling I have. I've been high for days and this is the first break I've taken. a few hundred dollars gone because I'm a wasteful useless fuck. I mean really...who spends $200 on tree..and smokes it in two days.
i can't stand to be sober anymore. i cant stand who i've become and how I am.
I keep finding myself thinking about this one particular idea...If I were to look into a crystal ball or whatever a few years ago and I looked at myself as I am now and where I am and what I'm doing. i would just laugh and be like...ur fucking with me right? I guess I wouldn't have even used the word fucking, because I didnt start regularly using that word until the past year or so. I mean, tonight I spent in cincinatti in not a good part of it..in an abandoned warehouse where some drugged up kids I met are squatting and living this crazy life, and I'm there smoking away, and I felt fine where I was and i felt more at home than where I felt I should have been. The place was amazing to tell the truth. I found watching a thunderstorm over the cinci skyline is beautiful. Despite people being like..shot below me.
I've really fucked up. Seriously fucked up.
I can't seem to turn over a new leaf either. i would love to just turn this around and look at this as a fresh start but I know this path is just fcking killing me.
Everyone keeps telling me that I'm okay and things will work out and that I'll be fine...I just looked at everything and even when i thought I was at the bottom of everything..the floor fell out from under me and I kept looking down this endless void of falling. I saw nothing..nothing to catch myself. I mean honest, where I was a year ago with dana and despite everything, I was a fuckload happier than i am now even at the most miserable points.
I have nothing now. No school, no band, no girl, no money, no job, I smoke away any money i do get, I constantly make bad decisions or almost get myself killed. I'm such a fucking loser.
Whod have thought little andrew would turn out to be such a fuckup.
seriously. I'm an eagle scout and I was damn proud of being one. I was proud to make myself proud and my parnets, now I just don't fucking care anymore.
This world is going to hell and I'm on it for the ride. I need someone to turn this around because I dont have anything left inside of me...I have no fucking strength, nothing to motivate me to fix my life. I need someones help, I'm serious, i need help getting out of this whole...I simply need love...love would fix my broken life....I swear on it...i swear on every piece of myself that love would fix everything...
Thing's have kindof lost their flavor in a sense.
The whole vlogging idea went out the window since I don't know how to use my damn computer.
I'm the computer illiterate asian.
anywho.
As I guess I said in my last entry, things didnt exactly work out as planned.
Altercast was a failure, my gf was a failure, my life thus far has more or less been in a failure.
I can't seem to get that out of my head and the depression i keep feeling is getting worse every day. I've had to smoke off every feeling I have. I've been high for days and this is the first break I've taken. a few hundred dollars gone because I'm a wasteful useless fuck. I mean really...who spends $200 on tree..and smokes it in two days.
i can't stand to be sober anymore. i cant stand who i've become and how I am.
I keep finding myself thinking about this one particular idea...If I were to look into a crystal ball or whatever a few years ago and I looked at myself as I am now and where I am and what I'm doing. i would just laugh and be like...ur fucking with me right? I guess I wouldn't have even used the word fucking, because I didnt start regularly using that word until the past year or so. I mean, tonight I spent in cincinatti in not a good part of it..in an abandoned warehouse where some drugged up kids I met are squatting and living this crazy life, and I'm there smoking away, and I felt fine where I was and i felt more at home than where I felt I should have been. The place was amazing to tell the truth. I found watching a thunderstorm over the cinci skyline is beautiful. Despite people being like..shot below me.
I've really fucked up. Seriously fucked up.
I can't seem to turn over a new leaf either. i would love to just turn this around and look at this as a fresh start but I know this path is just fcking killing me.
Everyone keeps telling me that I'm okay and things will work out and that I'll be fine...I just looked at everything and even when i thought I was at the bottom of everything..the floor fell out from under me and I kept looking down this endless void of falling. I saw nothing..nothing to catch myself. I mean honest, where I was a year ago with dana and despite everything, I was a fuckload happier than i am now even at the most miserable points.
I have nothing now. No school, no band, no girl, no money, no job, I smoke away any money i do get, I constantly make bad decisions or almost get myself killed. I'm such a fucking loser.
Whod have thought little andrew would turn out to be such a fuckup.
seriously. I'm an eagle scout and I was damn proud of being one. I was proud to make myself proud and my parnets, now I just don't fucking care anymore.
This world is going to hell and I'm on it for the ride. I need someone to turn this around because I dont have anything left inside of me...I have no fucking strength, nothing to motivate me to fix my life. I need someones help, I'm serious, i need help getting out of this whole...I simply need love...love would fix my broken life....I swear on it...i swear on every piece of myself that love would fix everything...