story of my life.. thats just how it goes took only an hour to write :-D
Okay, so i turn 20 in 2 days now... but i'd like to reflect on the past two decades. I grew up having fun with my brothers, having long walks talking with my mom, my dad... well he barely talks to anyone but i'm still the only little girl in his life :-) He's very social outside of home, why? i don't know but he's always been that way. In my family my mom had to be both mom and dad because my dad could give 2 shits as long as he has his couch, his tv, and his yard, he's set. For instance, when i was in gil scouts and we had father-daughter square dances.. guess who went with me.
MY MOM
It was like that every year for me and i cried because i was the only girl without her daddy there. The only time i got to spend with just my dad was the annual father-daughter dinner at the lions' club meeting out in muskego. I looked forward to that every year. i would always ask my dad and he thought i was strange for wanting to go soo bad, but he never realized that i just wanted to go out with just him because i know nothing about his life except for what my aunts tell me... and that isn't much. Last year for my 19th birthday all i wanted was to go out to eat with my brothers and then separately with my dad. Well the brothers thing never happened because htey said we would do it when we got up north, well dan didn't go because he alreayd had vacation and i left Eagle Riveer when Brandy and abby came... my brothers always find a way to get out of things. However, i did get to go out to eat with my dad, BUT, as soon as we got to the restaurant he grabbed the newspaper and stared at that til we left. Oh, he did manage to ask me about my plans for college in 3 brief questions. I almost died because it just felt like he wanted nothing to do with me. As you all know, i am adopted, so having a loving family is all i ever wanted, well the family i got is not even close to that. we all get along and my brothers watch out for me when they need to but we've never been close except for me and corey, sometimes. Every year my brothers ask me what i want for my birthday, every year i say dinner with them... they still have yet to grant me that wish.
Um lets see i went to holy apostles for grade school, met friends that i have mostly kept in touch with since... but now that i look back, i kind of kept to myself. becuase all the other kids had more money or were prettier, and all that jazz. People still wave and say hi with smiles, but you know, for some reason i always wanted to be one of those beatiful people. I've never been close. I hate wanting to be something i'm not. Like i would look at the other girls and just wish i had their skills or their eyes. i still want to look a different way, but be me. I mean look at me, i have this round face with puffy cheeks, a lazy eye, fat all over the place, i'm not good at anything so i start to think that life holds no value for me besides what my friends help me find. i have small boobs, some people disagree, but i claim they are blind. I have thick hair that i can't do a damn thing with, i think i have a big nose. this is like one of those girls that stand in front of the mirror and evaluate everything that is wrong with them... yeah, i used to do that a lot. But then i figured, i'm happy with who i am when i'm with my friends, my true ones. but its when i'm with a guy i start to think why is he with me, why is he interested.. and it sucks thinking like that becuase i've done that all my life. I was the girls the dorks asked to dance... as a joke. so i became bitter. i was the girl that everyone thought shiat her pants because she accidentally brushed across a blackboard that had brown chalk on it to represent a fireplace.
idk, i guess i'm funny sometimes but that's only when i make fun of myself because its easier to make jokes about yourself than anything else becuase you know your own quirks. I'm finally starting to admit that, yes, i am one of the 30% obese people in Wisconsin. It just hurt to say that now, but when i think about it, i am that fat, little chubby girl i have always been becuase it never bothers me until it comes to guys.
i guess the whole point of this entry is to figure out who i am, who i've become, and what people see.
okay moving on.... um after HA and going to dc (the only reasn i stayed there) i went on to become a viking. woo hoo, la di fuckin da. okay so i was never really much of school spirit becuase our teams in most everything, by definition sucked ass! anyways, i decided to join volleyball and soccer there because i was in every sport and then some at ha. well i was a bad player at everything. the only thing i excelled in was choir... sad, but true. i wanted those solos so bad i didn't care. Finally my senior year i got a solo, and then 3 guys wanted to do the part too because they have this harmony down, but it was me against 3 guys and Mrs. Halffman chose me to sing the main concert and the guys to sing the rehearsal concert. let me tel you, they weren't too please with me (one of those guys was Fritz). But i finally got to display some talent in a 10 word solo... go me. I have always wanted to be recognized becuase i had a voice, but i was always upstaged by bonny. she was a friend for a bit but then since everyone wanted to be her friend because she was so loud and out there becuase she had nothing else to lose... she turned into a snot, basically. for instance, during off time in our choir class we would all sit around tlkaing in our little groups, me moving around to talk to a bunch of different people, but she would sit there with her headphones on singing along REALLY loud and then people would stop talking becasue i'll admit she did have a pretty r&b voice, but then she'd look up and be like 'oh i'm sorry, was that out loud?' and of course she knew what she was doing. some people started hating me because for oncei wanted the spotlight. i didn't want to be just another chorus member, so i started singing the national anthem at a lot of the sporting events where there were LOTS of people. I loved it because i had their attention. I've never been one to stay in the crowd, i'd rather be out in the front doing my own thing. At graduation i was about to pull that off. I hated our school alma mater, so i wrote a new song. little did i know, i was supposed to make a 4-part harmony for it.. because that was supposed to be my mark. my mark, so that i'm not forgotten. I've always told myself that before i die, i want to be known for something... i still don't know what that something is. I had various friends here and there but only a few true blues from there. so now the people i hang out with are the ones i'm keeping because people have came and left our little circle of friends, but the few of us are forever.
so anyways, now i'm in college at uwm.. most of you know that. attempting to be a good student but since i've never had to try before, i almost got kicked out hte other day. I mean, even the Dean of College of Health Sciences asked me, what am i doing wrong. My ACT score was a 26 and i have grades that are 70% failiing grades. Kinda shitty but i guess becuase i spent most of my freshman year hanging out with people, trying to find the equivalent to the ones back home... didn't find many but some of the friends i met at uwm were through other friends i had before... lol, caitlin, and well there was chris, he wwas like a brother there for a while, but now he hates me.. go figure. So i'm still on this never ending spree to figure who i am.
well let's see, i was adopted from tijuana Mexico, i was born in a cardboard-plywood shack (som people think that;s funny). I have 3 brothers of whom most people think are either hott or just really kewl. i'll agree with hte kewl but hott... please, hahah. They've watched over me all my life, and corey became more of a dad to me than my own father. my mom is sometimes unbearable but she hugs me now, so i dont feel so unloved anymore :) finally. i spend my free time hangin out with the guyz or the various other people from wac :-D (west allis central for those of you not from there). me and the guyz party, play volleyball, and just have fun with just our group of friends... its gettin bigger now that kt and them are back from oshkosh n all over. Oh yeah.. i forgot to mention.. all this time, minus the tijuana part, Lee Anne has been there by my side through thick and thin. She is the sister i never had, and will never lose becuase i've just known her too long. Grant it she went off to college in another state, but she realized i was right and htat was a bad choice, lol, j/k. But we've known each other from little tots, and i'll be damned if i ever let that change. She has always been there for me, and i her. whenever we need an ear, we are always jsut a call away for each other. When she was in butthole, missouri, trust me, she took advantage of the best friend hotline a lot.
So for right now i guess i'm happy now that i think of it, t jsut takes some thinking on my what i've done so far to realize this. Grant it, i still want someone to spend my time with.. emotionally and maybe even physically.. but i'll have that the rest of my life, Why be tied down now? i'm not getting married until i'm about 28 or so.
So sorry for those that actually read this whole thing, but i had to figure out some things for myself as well as who i want as friends.. i didn't write about that in there, but iwas figuring in my head.
Alright, now stop looking at the screen and go watch tv or something to rest your eyes, lol.
<3 tamz
MY MOM
It was like that every year for me and i cried because i was the only girl without her daddy there. The only time i got to spend with just my dad was the annual father-daughter dinner at the lions' club meeting out in muskego. I looked forward to that every year. i would always ask my dad and he thought i was strange for wanting to go soo bad, but he never realized that i just wanted to go out with just him because i know nothing about his life except for what my aunts tell me... and that isn't much. Last year for my 19th birthday all i wanted was to go out to eat with my brothers and then separately with my dad. Well the brothers thing never happened because htey said we would do it when we got up north, well dan didn't go because he alreayd had vacation and i left Eagle Riveer when Brandy and abby came... my brothers always find a way to get out of things. However, i did get to go out to eat with my dad, BUT, as soon as we got to the restaurant he grabbed the newspaper and stared at that til we left. Oh, he did manage to ask me about my plans for college in 3 brief questions. I almost died because it just felt like he wanted nothing to do with me. As you all know, i am adopted, so having a loving family is all i ever wanted, well the family i got is not even close to that. we all get along and my brothers watch out for me when they need to but we've never been close except for me and corey, sometimes. Every year my brothers ask me what i want for my birthday, every year i say dinner with them... they still have yet to grant me that wish.
Um lets see i went to holy apostles for grade school, met friends that i have mostly kept in touch with since... but now that i look back, i kind of kept to myself. becuase all the other kids had more money or were prettier, and all that jazz. People still wave and say hi with smiles, but you know, for some reason i always wanted to be one of those beatiful people. I've never been close. I hate wanting to be something i'm not. Like i would look at the other girls and just wish i had their skills or their eyes. i still want to look a different way, but be me. I mean look at me, i have this round face with puffy cheeks, a lazy eye, fat all over the place, i'm not good at anything so i start to think that life holds no value for me besides what my friends help me find. i have small boobs, some people disagree, but i claim they are blind. I have thick hair that i can't do a damn thing with, i think i have a big nose. this is like one of those girls that stand in front of the mirror and evaluate everything that is wrong with them... yeah, i used to do that a lot. But then i figured, i'm happy with who i am when i'm with my friends, my true ones. but its when i'm with a guy i start to think why is he with me, why is he interested.. and it sucks thinking like that becuase i've done that all my life. I was the girls the dorks asked to dance... as a joke. so i became bitter. i was the girl that everyone thought shiat her pants because she accidentally brushed across a blackboard that had brown chalk on it to represent a fireplace.
idk, i guess i'm funny sometimes but that's only when i make fun of myself because its easier to make jokes about yourself than anything else becuase you know your own quirks. I'm finally starting to admit that, yes, i am one of the 30% obese people in Wisconsin. It just hurt to say that now, but when i think about it, i am that fat, little chubby girl i have always been becuase it never bothers me until it comes to guys.
i guess the whole point of this entry is to figure out who i am, who i've become, and what people see.
okay moving on.... um after HA and going to dc (the only reasn i stayed there) i went on to become a viking. woo hoo, la di fuckin da. okay so i was never really much of school spirit becuase our teams in most everything, by definition sucked ass! anyways, i decided to join volleyball and soccer there because i was in every sport and then some at ha. well i was a bad player at everything. the only thing i excelled in was choir... sad, but true. i wanted those solos so bad i didn't care. Finally my senior year i got a solo, and then 3 guys wanted to do the part too because they have this harmony down, but it was me against 3 guys and Mrs. Halffman chose me to sing the main concert and the guys to sing the rehearsal concert. let me tel you, they weren't too please with me (one of those guys was Fritz). But i finally got to display some talent in a 10 word solo... go me. I have always wanted to be recognized becuase i had a voice, but i was always upstaged by bonny. she was a friend for a bit but then since everyone wanted to be her friend because she was so loud and out there becuase she had nothing else to lose... she turned into a snot, basically. for instance, during off time in our choir class we would all sit around tlkaing in our little groups, me moving around to talk to a bunch of different people, but she would sit there with her headphones on singing along REALLY loud and then people would stop talking becasue i'll admit she did have a pretty r&b voice, but then she'd look up and be like 'oh i'm sorry, was that out loud?' and of course she knew what she was doing. some people started hating me because for oncei wanted the spotlight. i didn't want to be just another chorus member, so i started singing the national anthem at a lot of the sporting events where there were LOTS of people. I loved it because i had their attention. I've never been one to stay in the crowd, i'd rather be out in the front doing my own thing. At graduation i was about to pull that off. I hated our school alma mater, so i wrote a new song. little did i know, i was supposed to make a 4-part harmony for it.. because that was supposed to be my mark. my mark, so that i'm not forgotten. I've always told myself that before i die, i want to be known for something... i still don't know what that something is. I had various friends here and there but only a few true blues from there. so now the people i hang out with are the ones i'm keeping because people have came and left our little circle of friends, but the few of us are forever.
so anyways, now i'm in college at uwm.. most of you know that. attempting to be a good student but since i've never had to try before, i almost got kicked out hte other day. I mean, even the Dean of College of Health Sciences asked me, what am i doing wrong. My ACT score was a 26 and i have grades that are 70% failiing grades. Kinda shitty but i guess becuase i spent most of my freshman year hanging out with people, trying to find the equivalent to the ones back home... didn't find many but some of the friends i met at uwm were through other friends i had before... lol, caitlin, and well there was chris, he wwas like a brother there for a while, but now he hates me.. go figure. So i'm still on this never ending spree to figure who i am.
well let's see, i was adopted from tijuana Mexico, i was born in a cardboard-plywood shack (som people think that;s funny). I have 3 brothers of whom most people think are either hott or just really kewl. i'll agree with hte kewl but hott... please, hahah. They've watched over me all my life, and corey became more of a dad to me than my own father. my mom is sometimes unbearable but she hugs me now, so i dont feel so unloved anymore :) finally. i spend my free time hangin out with the guyz or the various other people from wac :-D (west allis central for those of you not from there). me and the guyz party, play volleyball, and just have fun with just our group of friends... its gettin bigger now that kt and them are back from oshkosh n all over. Oh yeah.. i forgot to mention.. all this time, minus the tijuana part, Lee Anne has been there by my side through thick and thin. She is the sister i never had, and will never lose becuase i've just known her too long. Grant it she went off to college in another state, but she realized i was right and htat was a bad choice, lol, j/k. But we've known each other from little tots, and i'll be damned if i ever let that change. She has always been there for me, and i her. whenever we need an ear, we are always jsut a call away for each other. When she was in butthole, missouri, trust me, she took advantage of the best friend hotline a lot.
So for right now i guess i'm happy now that i think of it, t jsut takes some thinking on my what i've done so far to realize this. Grant it, i still want someone to spend my time with.. emotionally and maybe even physically.. but i'll have that the rest of my life, Why be tied down now? i'm not getting married until i'm about 28 or so.
So sorry for those that actually read this whole thing, but i had to figure out some things for myself as well as who i want as friends.. i didn't write about that in there, but iwas figuring in my head.
Alright, now stop looking at the screen and go watch tv or something to rest your eyes, lol.
<3 tamz