(no subject)
Things should be looking up... but lately I can't seem to shake the misery. I can't seem to get it out of my head.
I just returned from Con with money, commissions, propositions, and a marriage and move from Marion on the way. I should be abso-fucking-lutely thrilled out of my gourd.
But I can't seem to be....
An artist friend recently had a trip to the nuthouse. (Her words, not mine.) I'm fearful of my own trip there one day.
I don't know why I say all this stuff on an open journal. I hate drama and stuff like this tends to attract it. It seems more honest this way, I guess.
I've been trying to get somewhere with my commissions, but they don't seem to be happening. I have managed to get one drawn and even at that, it still needs colour. The others aren't that far along. I'm invited to paint in front of a local cool restaurant, and I have no idea what to paint. All I seem to have in my head is this sort of mind numbing sadness that I can't shake.
I thought I was getting better, dammit! I'm tired of being sad all the time! I'm tired of having to figure out why I want to burst into tears, or just go to sleep and not deal with life. Why can't I be a font of energy like Sata, or happy like Mikhyel? Why do I have to have all the sorrow, anger and tired...?
I just want to be happy... consistently. Is that really too much to ask?
I just returned from Con with money, commissions, propositions, and a marriage and move from Marion on the way. I should be abso-fucking-lutely thrilled out of my gourd.
But I can't seem to be....
An artist friend recently had a trip to the nuthouse. (Her words, not mine.) I'm fearful of my own trip there one day.
I don't know why I say all this stuff on an open journal. I hate drama and stuff like this tends to attract it. It seems more honest this way, I guess.
I've been trying to get somewhere with my commissions, but they don't seem to be happening. I have managed to get one drawn and even at that, it still needs colour. The others aren't that far along. I'm invited to paint in front of a local cool restaurant, and I have no idea what to paint. All I seem to have in my head is this sort of mind numbing sadness that I can't shake.
I thought I was getting better, dammit! I'm tired of being sad all the time! I'm tired of having to figure out why I want to burst into tears, or just go to sleep and not deal with life. Why can't I be a font of energy like Sata, or happy like Mikhyel? Why do I have to have all the sorrow, anger and tired...?
I just want to be happy... consistently. Is that really too much to ask?