ben, a stack of old newspapers, tragic hero quest
"So, I'm sittin' on this old stack of newspapers when this hotass fuckin' chick comes walkin' down the street just struttin' her God's given gifts. And then, get this," he nudges me preparing me for the climax of his anecdote,"the bitch stops right in front of me and in the manliest voice I ever heard she says, 'Hey buddy, can I borrow some newspaper? My left tit's fallin' a tad flat.' Can you fuckin' believe it?!"
"You're a fuckin' liar, Jonn!"Dutch shouts laughing.
"Of course he's a fuckin' liar, he was with us all day yesterday,"I dryly add without looking up from my shoes.
"Horseshit! I swear to God! The chick was a dude!"
"Well then what happened next?"Dutch inquires, and I roll my eyes. Why would he instigate him?
"Well, I tell ya," Jonn pauses to seemingly build drama but everyone (me and Dutch) both know it's just to think of more (probably even crazier) lies to continue the story with, "I said,'Well what do I get out of it?' And it says, 'You'd be my hero so, I'll blow ya.' And I said-"
"Okay, stop. Just stop there. I've heard enough," I say having been completely fulfilled on bullshit. His tale of heroism for the gay community was almost as heartwarming as it was completely fabricated. How tragic it is that he truly thought we'd believe him.
"Alright, fine, but it gets good,"Jonn shakes his head as if denying us of such a great tale. Like he snatched 1984 out of our hands before we got to find out that Winston loved Big Brother all along.
And then from left field came Dutch with, "Guys, I've been thinking. Alright, well listen. Think of the hottest girl you've ever seen in the world. You got her? Ben who's yours?"
"Uh. . .probably this one girl I saw at Kennywood last summer. Or maybe that one pornstar on Howard Stern the other night," See when someone asks a question like that, especially one of your pals, you have got to be ready with answer right away. If not, you're a fruit. I was satisfied with my answer.
"What about you, Jonn?" At this point I want to straggle Dutch because I see this become the perfect avenue for Jonn to restart his story about the transvestite.
"Mike Chain's mom. Hands down, don't even need time to think. Mike Chain's mom. I'm going to fuck her someday, I swear on it. I'd give my first born just sniff her snatch just once!" Jonn might be retarded. I've never completely wrote it off as being impossible. He got straight A's in school, but the way this kid's mind worked was not mentally stable. Or human, for that matter, "Dude, just once I'd love to be walking past her house and see Mikey's dad giving his mom a hard railin'!"
"Nailing," I correct him.
"Whatever, that's my answer. Mike Chain's mom. Oh God, yeah!"
"Okay, so now that you've got your girl; imagine if you were a mortician. And they brought her in because she died of a heart attack. And she looked like she was sleeping, only she ain't breathing. And no one is around, would you?" Dutch has reached a new low/awesomeness.
"Would I what?"Jonn asks and once again proves me right.
"Would you fuck her corpse, you fuckin' retard?!" It doesn't matter who informed him of what "would you?" meant. What matters is the shamefull fact that it had to be explained.
"Hell yeah, I'd fuck the shit out of her! Be just like doin' a chick on Roofies and I was plannin' on tryin' that with Miss Chain anyway."
The End.
"You're a fuckin' liar, Jonn!"Dutch shouts laughing.
"Of course he's a fuckin' liar, he was with us all day yesterday,"I dryly add without looking up from my shoes.
"Horseshit! I swear to God! The chick was a dude!"
"Well then what happened next?"Dutch inquires, and I roll my eyes. Why would he instigate him?
"Well, I tell ya," Jonn pauses to seemingly build drama but everyone (me and Dutch) both know it's just to think of more (probably even crazier) lies to continue the story with, "I said,'Well what do I get out of it?' And it says, 'You'd be my hero so, I'll blow ya.' And I said-"
"Okay, stop. Just stop there. I've heard enough," I say having been completely fulfilled on bullshit. His tale of heroism for the gay community was almost as heartwarming as it was completely fabricated. How tragic it is that he truly thought we'd believe him.
"Alright, fine, but it gets good,"Jonn shakes his head as if denying us of such a great tale. Like he snatched 1984 out of our hands before we got to find out that Winston loved Big Brother all along.
And then from left field came Dutch with, "Guys, I've been thinking. Alright, well listen. Think of the hottest girl you've ever seen in the world. You got her? Ben who's yours?"
"Uh. . .probably this one girl I saw at Kennywood last summer. Or maybe that one pornstar on Howard Stern the other night," See when someone asks a question like that, especially one of your pals, you have got to be ready with answer right away. If not, you're a fruit. I was satisfied with my answer.
"What about you, Jonn?" At this point I want to straggle Dutch because I see this become the perfect avenue for Jonn to restart his story about the transvestite.
"Mike Chain's mom. Hands down, don't even need time to think. Mike Chain's mom. I'm going to fuck her someday, I swear on it. I'd give my first born just sniff her snatch just once!" Jonn might be retarded. I've never completely wrote it off as being impossible. He got straight A's in school, but the way this kid's mind worked was not mentally stable. Or human, for that matter, "Dude, just once I'd love to be walking past her house and see Mikey's dad giving his mom a hard railin'!"
"Nailing," I correct him.
"Whatever, that's my answer. Mike Chain's mom. Oh God, yeah!"
"Okay, so now that you've got your girl; imagine if you were a mortician. And they brought her in because she died of a heart attack. And she looked like she was sleeping, only she ain't breathing. And no one is around, would you?" Dutch has reached a new low/awesomeness.
"Would I what?"Jonn asks and once again proves me right.
"Would you fuck her corpse, you fuckin' retard?!" It doesn't matter who informed him of what "would you?" meant. What matters is the shamefull fact that it had to be explained.
"Hell yeah, I'd fuck the shit out of her! Be just like doin' a chick on Roofies and I was plannin' on tryin' that with Miss Chain anyway."
The End.