Fic: Help Me Find My Way
This is the story I wrote for the sparklyglee challenge. I chose the following prompt.
*Pairing: JC/JT
*Physical location: Somewhere in the middle of nowhere!
*Any major plot points: Set a few years down the line, JC's still involved in the music biz, Justin's had some major crisis/breakdown/tragedy/whatever and lives in the middle of nowhere on his own. JC shows up and "fixes" things even though they've had no contact for some length of time.
*What's to squee about: Stubborn Determined JC! Broken Justin! Re-affirmation of friendship & the start of something more :-)
Help Me Find My Way
JC sped over the abandoned road, in literally the middle of nowhere. He was very thankful for his TomTom GO 910 which led him to anywhere he wanted to go, could even find the most remote locations such as Lake Almanor Peninsula, California.
He knew he was close, and his heart started beating faster with every mile he covered.
“Turn right after 200 yards, you have reached your destination.”
JC pulled his gaze from the road in front of him, and glanced momentarily at his TomTom, he was so nervous. He hadn’t allowed himself to think about what he would find once he got there. He had even tried not to think at all ever since he received the phone call.
“I’m worried about Justin,” Lynn greeted him.
JC smiled, not immediately concerned because Lynn was always worried, though he wondered why she called him. He hadn’t seen or talked to Justin for almost two years now ever since his solo career had finally taken off and he’d been too busy to call him, or so he’d told himself. The fact that that coincided with Justin being dropped by Jive, he pointedly ignored, tugged it away carefully.
Lynn apparently heard the smile in his voice, because she added, “I’m serious, JC.”
That’s when JC sat up straight, “What do you mean? What’s wrong?”
“He’s very depressed, he sold his house in LA six months ago and moved to Lake Almanor Peninsula.”
“He moved to where?!” JC asked incredulously.
“Lake Almanor Peninsula,” Lynn repeated, “It’s a very small town in Northern California.”
“And he sold his house in LA?” JC asked just to make sure; Justin loved his house in LA.
“Yes, and he didn’t even discuss it with me, not that he has to, but he always does, and this time he just packed up and moved to the middle of nowhere!” JC was aware of the fact that his mouth was hanging open in shock, but he couldn’t close it.
“JC?”
Lynn’s voice drifted over the line and he shook himself out of his stupor, “Yeah, yes?”
“Can you check on him?” she asked hopefully. JC sighed in despair, wanted to ask why she couldn’t, but he didn’t.
“Please, JC?”
At that point JC knew Lynn was not aware of the fact that they’d not spoken for two years, and he wondered how often Lynn had spoken to Justin herself, if she did not even know that.
“He doesn’t want to see me, and I hoped maybe you could… talk to him?”
JC sighed softly, he didn’t want to give in to her request, but he knew that if he refused she’d want to know what was going on and he didn’t want to tell her, he couldn’t and so he reassured her that he would visit Justin, promised it would be soon before he hung up.
Even though he’d promised it would be soon, it was now nearly two weeks later and he still very much dreaded the rendez-vous.
He turned right and drove up the narrow grind driveway, pulling up to the small wooden cottage. Turning off the ignition, he looked at the cottage for a moment; the porch, the dark wood of the walls and the high trees that surrounded it. It was so quiet, there was no one around, no other human being for miles and JC thought he could actually hear his erratic heartbeat. He sat back and exhaled slowly. Closing his eyes, he exhaled once more then gathered his courage and got out of his car, trudging slowly up the few steps to the front door.
He stood on the doorstep for minutes without moving and just stared at the door. Trying to gather his courage he took a couple of deep breaths before he finally raised his hand to knock and then held his breath as he waited.
The white curtain next to the door was pulled aside a few inches and cautious eyes peeked out from behind it. JC caught the movement and saw how tired eyes grew in shock when they settled on him. The eyes disappeared a moment later and all was quiet, the only movement that could be seen was the curtain that slightly fluttered after it was released.
Just when JC thought of knocking again, because the door remained closed, he heard keys rattle as the door was unlocked. A few agonizing seconds later, the door opened slowly, revealing his long lost best friend; Justin Timberlake.
JC couldn’t speak, not right away, he simply took in his appearance. Justin was standing slightly hunched over and he looked exhausted, heavy eyelids over dark circles, he seemed defeated and somehow less tall. His hair was wild, loose curls sticking out in every direction, which made him look young. JC then let his eyes travel over Justin’s body, seeing he was wearing grey sweatpants, and a red hoody; his comfortable clothes, JC remembered and he smiled sadly at the memory.
Justin squirmed under JC’s scrutinizing gaze, and crossed his arms over his chest, but JC didn’t notice and he couldn’t stop.
“What are you doing here?” Justin asked finally as he leaned against the door, his shoulders slumped, there was no anger in his eyes, just resignation and maybe surprise.
JC blinked and stopped looking him over, he instead met Justin’s eyes. As the sound of Justin’s voice registered with him, he couldn’t help but flinch.
“Um, can I come in?” he asked instead, unsure how to answer him.
Justin shifted slightly, eyed him seriously, searched his face, sighed, then nodded, “Alright.”
JC released the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding, and waited until Justin moved back and held the door open for him, before he stepped forward and inside Justin’s new world.
Justin led him inside, silently offered him a seat on the couch as he moved to turn off the TV. “You want anything to drink?” he asked, turning to JC who was taking in his surroundings, the small living room in comparison to Justin’s living room of his LA home. The simplicity of it all struck him and Justin had to repeat his offer before JC responded, “Water please.”
Nodding, Justin headed for the open kitchen, and JC watched how he filled a glass with tap water, his throat was dry from nerves and he took a quick gulp of his water when Justin offered it to him. “Thank you.”
Sitting down in the chair opposite of JC, Justin pulled his legs underneath him and waited. He made it quite clear that he was not going to take the first step in starting the conversation and JC stalled as he took another swallow of his water, knowing he’d have to come up with something.
“You let your curls grow back,” JC tried, an observation seemed a safe place to start after a few moments of silence.
Justin frowned and subconsciously brought a hand to his hair, “Yeah, but…” he began a little bewildered, “What are you doing here, JC?”
JC wanted to say he was worried about him, that he wondered how he was doing but that didn’t seem fair. “The truth?”
Justin nodded.
“Your mom called me,” JC confessed, he wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to say. And when Justin didn’t respond, except for a sharp intake of breath, JC continued, “She asked if I could check on you.”
“Why did you?”
“Because she asked me to and…” he hesitated.
“What?”
“When she told me you sold your house in LA and moved here, I knew something was wrong. I got worried.”
JC studied his friend, saw how he sucked in his bottom lip and worried at it, his eyes darted around the room and JC could almost see the thoughts that raced through his friend’s head, but Justin didn’t utter a word.
“You loved your house in LA,” JC stated, gently prodding for an explanation.
Justin almost snorted, “Yeah well,” he shrugged his shoulders as if he didn’t care but JC knew better. “It’s not really any of your concern. My mom shouldn’t have called you, she knows better than to go behind my back like this.”
“She’s worried, Justin,” JC said to her defense, even though he knew Justin was just being stubborn. “After all that happened, I…”
“Yeah, I know,” Justin cut him off hastily, waving his hand in front of him, shushing JC successfully. “I know what happened,” he said, his voice low, his gaze so intense JC had to look away.
The issue was not what happened, it was how to forget. How could he forget and move on? The answer was simple; he couldn’t.
There was nothing in the world that could make him forget.
September 28th 2007. The date would be tainted forever, and he associated it with death. That day would be forever a day of mourning, and he struggled through that day as if he’d lost a loved one in 2007. And he had, for on that day Justin had lost himself.
September 28th 2007 had been the day of his surgery. He’d had a similar surgery in May 2005, after he’d been diagnosed with nodules on his vocal cords. Everything had been fine then; they’d removed the nodules and he recovered within 3 months. However, towards the end of his FutureSexLoveShow in August, he’d felt something was off with his voice and it had seemed frighteningly familiar. Therefore, the day after his last show he’d gone to see his doctor, who’d told him the nodules had returned. He’d been so confused because they’d given him voice lessons so he could prevent overstraining his voice, but it seemed it had not helped and September 28th he’d went into surgery for the second time. His nerves had been even worse than the first time, despite the fact that he knew what was going to happen.
However, even though he’d known what to expect of the surgery, he’d had no idea of what to expect after the surgery. Would the recovery process be as quick as last time? Would everything work out?
He soon found out that it was very different from last time. The nodules had been removed, but there was a possibility that his vocal cords had been damaged by the surgery. The first time he’d opened his mouth to speak, he knew. His voice sounded raspy, unlike before and doctors had told him it would probably never be the same again. Justin was devastated, he could sing, but no one would want to hear it.
Jive had been patient at first, but after a year without improvement they’d dropped him, blaming him for having the surgery in the first place.
And not long after, Justin had retreated, having lost the most important thing to him; his voice, and the ability to make others happy with his compositions. Music, singing, performing had always been such a big part of his life, had always been such a big part of him, that without it he didn’t know who he was. He felt like he’d lost himself, as if a big part of him had died, and there was no way to get it back.
JC could see Justin was reliving the memories as they caused a dark shadow to pass over Justin’s features.
The devastation clearly visible in Justin’s posture and the sorrow reflected in his eyes caused JC’s heart to ache. He bent his head and spoke softly, “I never told you how sorry I am, I’m sorry about what happened. I’m sorry you lost your voice and…” he thought for a moment, there was more on his mind but he swallowed it as he saw Justin’s surprised but expectant gaze. “I’m sorry,” he simply finished instead.
Justin eyed him almost suspiciously, then suddenly he started shaking his head, “No JC.”
“Wh..what?”
“No! Just… please go.”
“What? Why?” JC asked, completely flabbergasted.
“I know what you’re trying to do.”
“What?” JC asked, watching how Justin got to his feet.
“You’re trying to fix things, that’s why you came, you want to fix me, but you can’t you’re too late, so just go!”
JC looked up at his friend who was eyeing him intensely, ordering him to get up and leave but once his shock wore off slightly he shook his head and stubbornly crossed his arms over his chest, said, “I’m not leaving.”
Justin’s mouth dropped and Josh would have smiled had it not been a serious conversation.
They stared at one another, determination versus shock. But JC, stubborn as he was, kept his gaze steady on Justin whose shock was soon replaced by resignation. His shoulders slumped and he walked away from JC. He stood in front of the window, and looked into the forest that surrounded his little cottage, his head was low as he whispered, “Just let me live here, I’m settled.” It was obviously a plea for JC to just leave it. But that wasn’t good enough.
“Settled to be miserable?” JC asked simply and Justin turned around, meeting JC’s eyes he said, “Just leave it, please.”
“No!” JC refused, standing up himself.
And as he purposely walked towards Justin he said, “I’m not going to leave it, I’m not going to allow you to sit here in the middle of fucking nowhere all by yourself and let you wallow in self pity. You’re obviously not happy.”
That struck a nerve, Justin’s head snapped up and he retorted, “Of course I’m not happy! I lost the most important thing in my life.”
JC halted in front of him and swallowed hard.
Justin licked his lips then added, “Two most important things,” and when he spoke those words he looked straight at JC.
“You didn’t lose me,” JC denied, even though they had lost each other, but to JC that no longer mattered. They were here now. And he was going to fix this.
“I did lose you. I know I didn’t make it easy on you after the surgery, I shut everyone out, including you and I shouldn’t have but after that you never called, you never asked how I was,” his tone was sad, not accusatory despite what JC had expected. His arms were crossed over his chest and JC knew he was trying to protect himself. JC even noticed the flinch when he spoke of the surgery and JC didn’t know how to respond.
Finally, he sighed and headed back to his seat on the couch. He rested his elbows on his knees and hid his face in his hands. After taking a deep breath, he moved his hands to rest his head on and revealed, “I was afraid to call.”
Justin’s brow furrowed and he slowly moved back to his seat as well. He sat on the edge of the chair and only looked at JC when he asked, “Why?”
JC exhaled slowly and met Justin’s eyes. “I was afraid you’d hate me because…” he choked.
“Because of what?” Justin prodded gently, honestly not knowing why JC would ever think that.
“Because the last time we talked, I told you the surgery was a good idea, and that everything would be fine,” the words were so soft, and it was obvious to Justin they came from deep within his soul. Justin knew him so well, he knew how JC often blamed himself for things that weren’t his fault. He knew this must have bothered JC for years and it seemed to him that it was almost a confession, a relief, that JC admitted it to him.
“JC,” Justin said sympathetically, but JC didn’t meet his eyes.
“Josh,” he began instead, and this time JC looked up and a small smile danced on his lips. “I don’t blame you.”
Just four little words, it seemed so simple. JC was completely taken aback by Justin’s easiness to forgive. However, there was more on his mind, his conscious was not cleared.
“But I stabbed you in the back,” he said, the sorrow written all over his face.
“How?”
“Jive approached me, offered me a record deal after they dropped you, and I accepted it.”
Justin swallowed hard and despite the fact that this was hard for him to talk about he shook his head, and tried to reassure JC, “I know how Jive works JC, it’s not your fault. You sat by for years when they did everything they could to launch me, while they did squat for you. I understand that you took the opportunity and claimed what was yours.”
JC shook his head, refusing to accept that, “I still shouldn’t have.”
JC had already felt bad after Justin’s surgery when he learned it had not went according to plan. When Justin had been embarrassed and depressed after the surgery and shut everyone out because of it, JC had allowed it. He’d not been as adamant as he usually was, adamant to make Justin feel better and to help him get over it. He would have been, had he not felt too guilty to face him.
It only got worse when he’d accepted the record deal Jive had offered him. How could he face his best friend, who’d just learned he would never be able to sing the way he had again, when he was capitalizing on Justin’s misfortune.
Jive had talked him into it; saying if he didn’t take the opportunity someone else would, saying this was his chance to obtain the career he’d always dreamed off. The implication that Justin had always been in the way of his success was not lost on JC. They sure knew how to sell it, but truth was that he didn’t have to buy it. He’d wanted to believe their sales pitch because he’d needed a justification for going ahead with something that felt very much like selling his friend down the river for his own benefit.
He’d selfishly went for his own career, and he’d justified it by telling himself that Justin would have done the same thing, that Justin would understand. He’d even tried to remind himself that Justin had done the same thing when he’d went for his solo career and left the group. But Justin had told them all individually what he was up to, he told them up front, JC had not.
He’d then tried to ease his guilt by telling himself that Justin had been successful and he’d want JC to experience the same. But even that didn’t work. JC was successful. Jive had invested time and money in the promotion of his album, it had actually been released on the announced date, it had even done well to his own astonishment and he was getting the recognition he’d always wished for. However, the success left a bitter aftertaste. Because while he was justifying his actions and trying to convince himself he’d made the right decision, shame and insecurity were always present just below the surface. Reminding him of the decision he’d made, and the event that had made his big break possible. And with every day that passed, it got harder to justify his actions. Every day it got harder to convince himself that he’d made the right decision. And every day it got harder to enjoy living his dream.
The call from Lynn had come at a perfect time. He thought about Justin often, wondered how he was, but with every day that passed it had gotten harder to pick up the phone and call Justin, to explain, to apologize. Lynn’s request and her gentle prodding had made him take the initiative. He’d still been very nervous, but he’d also left his house, determined to come back with friendship and the knowledge that Justin, who’d once been such an enormous part of his life, was back in his life.
Justin slowly stood up and walked towards JC, sat down next to him. When JC didn’t turn towards him, Justin placed a gentle hand on JC’s upper arm, “I’m proud of you JC.”
JC lifted his head from his hands and faced Justin with a deep frown, “What?” he breathed, deeply confused.
“I’m proud of you,” he repeated softly. “You are so talented and you deserve the success you achieved.”
That brought tears to JC’s eyes, “How can you…” he choked, and Justin smiled softly, “how can you say that?”
The small smile never left Justin’s face as he said, “I mean it.”
JC sniffled, “But you…” he couldn’t finish.
But Justin understood him anyway, “I know, but I still want you to do well and you did.”
JC slumped forward, rested his head on Justin’s shoulder and hugged him tight, “Thank you.” And for a moment he forgot all about the fact that he was actually here to fix Justin.
Justin wrapped his arms tightly around JC and whispered, “You’re welcome.”
It was quite a while before they pulled back, but they stayed close together as they sank into the comfy couch.
“Why did you move here, Justin?” JC asked, looking at Justin sideways, after a long period of silence during which he regrouped his thoughts and his mission.
Justin didn’t answer straight away and he did not meet JC’s eyes when he finally did speak, “Because I could not face the people in LA, people who knew only the old Justin and thought I was him. I could not be who they thought I was and I didn’t want to see the disappointment nor the sympathy in their eyes.”
JC nodded as if he accepted the reason, but his words were different, “I want you to come back with me.”
Justin didn’t respond. JC took it as a sign to continue, “Come back to LA with me, we’ll get you your house back and…”
“Stop JC,” Justin cut him off gently.
“Stop what?”
“Stop trying to fix things,” Justin told him, eyeing him.
“I can’t,” JC confessed, looking away.
“You can’t fix this, JC, I know you want to but you can’t.”
“I can,” JC denied stubbornly.
“No, you can’t. I lost everything JC, my voice, my talent, my career, my life,”
“You chose to lose your life, Justin, you did not have to move,” he knew it would anger Justin, but maybe that wasn’t a bad thing, if it got him thinking.
“Don’t you dare say that,” Justin warned.
“You could have chosen to mourn for a while, and then move on to other things, but you didn’t, you chose to throw your life away by moving to the middle of fucking nowhere.”
Justin just glared at him now.
“You have so much potential, Justin. You lost your voice, and I don’t pretend to know what you’re going through, it’s the worst possible scenario for us, but don’t you ever say you lost your talent.”
“My voice was my talent,” Justin yelled, his voice cracking which just made him flinch, and caused tears to spring to his eyes.
“Oh, Justin,” JC sympathized. “Your talent is more than just your voice. Music is in your veins, just because your voice doesn’t sound the same, does not mean you can’t still make music.”
Justin nodded his head harshly, “Yes it does! I can’t create music without being able to sing.”
“Tell me you’ve tried it and it didn’t work?” JC challenged.
Justin stubbornly fixed him with a glare that told JC exactly what he thought; Justin hadn’t tried it yet.
JC smiled when Justin hmphed and looked away, “Exactly.” JC knew it wasn’t the perfect solution, but there were plenty of people who wrote music but couldn’t really sing it themselves, that’s why they got other people to do it.
“Justin,” JC began, scooting closer, “You have so much to offer, don’t let it go to waste?”
Justin sighed.
“The world needs you,” he smiled a little as he said it. At the beginning of their career they’d always told themselves they were going to change the world, they would make a difference and the world would want to get to know them. Right now, that thought seemed ridiculous, but it had always brought a smile to his face, and he was hoping the same was true of Justin.
But Justin snorted, “Yeah right.”
“I need you.”
The words were so soft that Justin almost didn’t catch them. The frown on Justin’s face dropped immediately as he asked, “What?”
JC bent his head, a little shocked himself at the words that had left his mouth. He took a deep breath, realizing nervously that this was a confession that went deeper than friendship. But despite the realization, he repeated, “I need you.”
Justin only stared at him with his mouth slightly ajar, JC had never said anything like this to him before. Never with that tone, never in that way, never with that look.
JC hesitated only for a brief second before he reached for Justin’s hand, and as he met Justin’s eyes, with a little more courage and strength he confessed, “I need you.”
There was still no reaction from Justin, and after a little while JC moved his other hand to cup Justin’s cheek. With a new found confidence he gently guided Justin’s face closer, leaned in himself until their lips were softly touching.
He caressed Justin’s hand and waited patiently until Justin let his lips fall open and allowed him in. His tongue slipped inside Justin’s mouth and when he met Justin’s tongue an electric chill went through his body; he knew this was right.
“I’ll spend the rest of my life here, in the middle of nowhere, if that’s what you want. If you don’t want to go back to LA with me, I’ll stay here with you because I want you to be part of my life and I want to be part…” insecurity resurfaced for a moment as he looked into Justin's eyes, “Of yours.”
Justin was still trying to process what JC was saying.
But this time JC waited until Justin was ready to give a response. His nerves were all over the place but he managed to stay still.
“I… okay,” Justin finally breathed, after what seemed like hours to JC but were merely minutes.
“Okay?” he repeated cautiously.
Justin nodded, “I’m not ready to go back to LA yet, but I might be someday.”
JC smiled carefully, knowing he shouldn’t expect miracles at the drop of a hat, and Justin saying that he might be ready to face the world again some day was good enough for him, at least for now. “Ok,” he accepted.
It was not exactly ‘the fixing’ he’d intended to do. He hadn’t gone to Justin with the intention to confess he loved him, he’d always had deep feelings for him, but he’d never realized that the feelings were so deep that it was more than friendship.
The second he spoke those three words he realized that he needed Justin like he needed no one else. And it suddenly became very clear to him why he’d not been able to enjoy his success as much as he thought he would. It was not just because he’d felt so guilty about capitalizing on Justin’s misfortune, it was because Justin had not been there to celebrate it with him, had not been there to share it with him. He’d just not been there period, and JC only now realized how empty the past two years of his life had been and how miserable he’d been, all because of the absence of his best friend.
“I can wait,” JC told him confidently, looking directly into Justin’s eyes.
Justin looked away for only a second to gather his courage before he said, “But in the mean time…” he met JC’s eyes and admitted, “I don’t want to be alone anymore.”
JC’s smile spread slowly until he was grinning and Justin allowed himself to smile back. Reaching for Justin’s hand, JC leaned in to kiss him gently and when JC pulled back, their eyes locked as he promised, “You won’t be, ever again.”
The end
*Pairing: JC/JT
*Physical location: Somewhere in the middle of nowhere!
*Any major plot points: Set a few years down the line, JC's still involved in the music biz, Justin's had some major crisis/breakdown/tragedy/whatever and lives in the middle of nowhere on his own. JC shows up and "fixes" things even though they've had no contact for some length of time.
*What's to squee about: Stubborn Determined JC! Broken Justin! Re-affirmation of friendship & the start of something more :-)
Help Me Find My Way
JC sped over the abandoned road, in literally the middle of nowhere. He was very thankful for his TomTom GO 910 which led him to anywhere he wanted to go, could even find the most remote locations such as Lake Almanor Peninsula, California.
He knew he was close, and his heart started beating faster with every mile he covered.
“Turn right after 200 yards, you have reached your destination.”
JC pulled his gaze from the road in front of him, and glanced momentarily at his TomTom, he was so nervous. He hadn’t allowed himself to think about what he would find once he got there. He had even tried not to think at all ever since he received the phone call.
“I’m worried about Justin,” Lynn greeted him.
JC smiled, not immediately concerned because Lynn was always worried, though he wondered why she called him. He hadn’t seen or talked to Justin for almost two years now ever since his solo career had finally taken off and he’d been too busy to call him, or so he’d told himself. The fact that that coincided with Justin being dropped by Jive, he pointedly ignored, tugged it away carefully.
Lynn apparently heard the smile in his voice, because she added, “I’m serious, JC.”
That’s when JC sat up straight, “What do you mean? What’s wrong?”
“He’s very depressed, he sold his house in LA six months ago and moved to Lake Almanor Peninsula.”
“He moved to where?!” JC asked incredulously.
“Lake Almanor Peninsula,” Lynn repeated, “It’s a very small town in Northern California.”
“And he sold his house in LA?” JC asked just to make sure; Justin loved his house in LA.
“Yes, and he didn’t even discuss it with me, not that he has to, but he always does, and this time he just packed up and moved to the middle of nowhere!” JC was aware of the fact that his mouth was hanging open in shock, but he couldn’t close it.
“JC?”
Lynn’s voice drifted over the line and he shook himself out of his stupor, “Yeah, yes?”
“Can you check on him?” she asked hopefully. JC sighed in despair, wanted to ask why she couldn’t, but he didn’t.
“Please, JC?”
At that point JC knew Lynn was not aware of the fact that they’d not spoken for two years, and he wondered how often Lynn had spoken to Justin herself, if she did not even know that.
“He doesn’t want to see me, and I hoped maybe you could… talk to him?”
JC sighed softly, he didn’t want to give in to her request, but he knew that if he refused she’d want to know what was going on and he didn’t want to tell her, he couldn’t and so he reassured her that he would visit Justin, promised it would be soon before he hung up.
Even though he’d promised it would be soon, it was now nearly two weeks later and he still very much dreaded the rendez-vous.
He turned right and drove up the narrow grind driveway, pulling up to the small wooden cottage. Turning off the ignition, he looked at the cottage for a moment; the porch, the dark wood of the walls and the high trees that surrounded it. It was so quiet, there was no one around, no other human being for miles and JC thought he could actually hear his erratic heartbeat. He sat back and exhaled slowly. Closing his eyes, he exhaled once more then gathered his courage and got out of his car, trudging slowly up the few steps to the front door.
He stood on the doorstep for minutes without moving and just stared at the door. Trying to gather his courage he took a couple of deep breaths before he finally raised his hand to knock and then held his breath as he waited.
The white curtain next to the door was pulled aside a few inches and cautious eyes peeked out from behind it. JC caught the movement and saw how tired eyes grew in shock when they settled on him. The eyes disappeared a moment later and all was quiet, the only movement that could be seen was the curtain that slightly fluttered after it was released.
Just when JC thought of knocking again, because the door remained closed, he heard keys rattle as the door was unlocked. A few agonizing seconds later, the door opened slowly, revealing his long lost best friend; Justin Timberlake.
JC couldn’t speak, not right away, he simply took in his appearance. Justin was standing slightly hunched over and he looked exhausted, heavy eyelids over dark circles, he seemed defeated and somehow less tall. His hair was wild, loose curls sticking out in every direction, which made him look young. JC then let his eyes travel over Justin’s body, seeing he was wearing grey sweatpants, and a red hoody; his comfortable clothes, JC remembered and he smiled sadly at the memory.
Justin squirmed under JC’s scrutinizing gaze, and crossed his arms over his chest, but JC didn’t notice and he couldn’t stop.
“What are you doing here?” Justin asked finally as he leaned against the door, his shoulders slumped, there was no anger in his eyes, just resignation and maybe surprise.
JC blinked and stopped looking him over, he instead met Justin’s eyes. As the sound of Justin’s voice registered with him, he couldn’t help but flinch.
“Um, can I come in?” he asked instead, unsure how to answer him.
Justin shifted slightly, eyed him seriously, searched his face, sighed, then nodded, “Alright.”
JC released the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding, and waited until Justin moved back and held the door open for him, before he stepped forward and inside Justin’s new world.
Justin led him inside, silently offered him a seat on the couch as he moved to turn off the TV. “You want anything to drink?” he asked, turning to JC who was taking in his surroundings, the small living room in comparison to Justin’s living room of his LA home. The simplicity of it all struck him and Justin had to repeat his offer before JC responded, “Water please.”
Nodding, Justin headed for the open kitchen, and JC watched how he filled a glass with tap water, his throat was dry from nerves and he took a quick gulp of his water when Justin offered it to him. “Thank you.”
Sitting down in the chair opposite of JC, Justin pulled his legs underneath him and waited. He made it quite clear that he was not going to take the first step in starting the conversation and JC stalled as he took another swallow of his water, knowing he’d have to come up with something.
“You let your curls grow back,” JC tried, an observation seemed a safe place to start after a few moments of silence.
Justin frowned and subconsciously brought a hand to his hair, “Yeah, but…” he began a little bewildered, “What are you doing here, JC?”
JC wanted to say he was worried about him, that he wondered how he was doing but that didn’t seem fair. “The truth?”
Justin nodded.
“Your mom called me,” JC confessed, he wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to say. And when Justin didn’t respond, except for a sharp intake of breath, JC continued, “She asked if I could check on you.”
“Why did you?”
“Because she asked me to and…” he hesitated.
“What?”
“When she told me you sold your house in LA and moved here, I knew something was wrong. I got worried.”
JC studied his friend, saw how he sucked in his bottom lip and worried at it, his eyes darted around the room and JC could almost see the thoughts that raced through his friend’s head, but Justin didn’t utter a word.
“You loved your house in LA,” JC stated, gently prodding for an explanation.
Justin almost snorted, “Yeah well,” he shrugged his shoulders as if he didn’t care but JC knew better. “It’s not really any of your concern. My mom shouldn’t have called you, she knows better than to go behind my back like this.”
“She’s worried, Justin,” JC said to her defense, even though he knew Justin was just being stubborn. “After all that happened, I…”
“Yeah, I know,” Justin cut him off hastily, waving his hand in front of him, shushing JC successfully. “I know what happened,” he said, his voice low, his gaze so intense JC had to look away.
The issue was not what happened, it was how to forget. How could he forget and move on? The answer was simple; he couldn’t.
There was nothing in the world that could make him forget.
September 28th 2007. The date would be tainted forever, and he associated it with death. That day would be forever a day of mourning, and he struggled through that day as if he’d lost a loved one in 2007. And he had, for on that day Justin had lost himself.
September 28th 2007 had been the day of his surgery. He’d had a similar surgery in May 2005, after he’d been diagnosed with nodules on his vocal cords. Everything had been fine then; they’d removed the nodules and he recovered within 3 months. However, towards the end of his FutureSexLoveShow in August, he’d felt something was off with his voice and it had seemed frighteningly familiar. Therefore, the day after his last show he’d gone to see his doctor, who’d told him the nodules had returned. He’d been so confused because they’d given him voice lessons so he could prevent overstraining his voice, but it seemed it had not helped and September 28th he’d went into surgery for the second time. His nerves had been even worse than the first time, despite the fact that he knew what was going to happen.
However, even though he’d known what to expect of the surgery, he’d had no idea of what to expect after the surgery. Would the recovery process be as quick as last time? Would everything work out?
He soon found out that it was very different from last time. The nodules had been removed, but there was a possibility that his vocal cords had been damaged by the surgery. The first time he’d opened his mouth to speak, he knew. His voice sounded raspy, unlike before and doctors had told him it would probably never be the same again. Justin was devastated, he could sing, but no one would want to hear it.
Jive had been patient at first, but after a year without improvement they’d dropped him, blaming him for having the surgery in the first place.
And not long after, Justin had retreated, having lost the most important thing to him; his voice, and the ability to make others happy with his compositions. Music, singing, performing had always been such a big part of his life, had always been such a big part of him, that without it he didn’t know who he was. He felt like he’d lost himself, as if a big part of him had died, and there was no way to get it back.
JC could see Justin was reliving the memories as they caused a dark shadow to pass over Justin’s features.
The devastation clearly visible in Justin’s posture and the sorrow reflected in his eyes caused JC’s heart to ache. He bent his head and spoke softly, “I never told you how sorry I am, I’m sorry about what happened. I’m sorry you lost your voice and…” he thought for a moment, there was more on his mind but he swallowed it as he saw Justin’s surprised but expectant gaze. “I’m sorry,” he simply finished instead.
Justin eyed him almost suspiciously, then suddenly he started shaking his head, “No JC.”
“Wh..what?”
“No! Just… please go.”
“What? Why?” JC asked, completely flabbergasted.
“I know what you’re trying to do.”
“What?” JC asked, watching how Justin got to his feet.
“You’re trying to fix things, that’s why you came, you want to fix me, but you can’t you’re too late, so just go!”
JC looked up at his friend who was eyeing him intensely, ordering him to get up and leave but once his shock wore off slightly he shook his head and stubbornly crossed his arms over his chest, said, “I’m not leaving.”
Justin’s mouth dropped and Josh would have smiled had it not been a serious conversation.
They stared at one another, determination versus shock. But JC, stubborn as he was, kept his gaze steady on Justin whose shock was soon replaced by resignation. His shoulders slumped and he walked away from JC. He stood in front of the window, and looked into the forest that surrounded his little cottage, his head was low as he whispered, “Just let me live here, I’m settled.” It was obviously a plea for JC to just leave it. But that wasn’t good enough.
“Settled to be miserable?” JC asked simply and Justin turned around, meeting JC’s eyes he said, “Just leave it, please.”
“No!” JC refused, standing up himself.
And as he purposely walked towards Justin he said, “I’m not going to leave it, I’m not going to allow you to sit here in the middle of fucking nowhere all by yourself and let you wallow in self pity. You’re obviously not happy.”
That struck a nerve, Justin’s head snapped up and he retorted, “Of course I’m not happy! I lost the most important thing in my life.”
JC halted in front of him and swallowed hard.
Justin licked his lips then added, “Two most important things,” and when he spoke those words he looked straight at JC.
“You didn’t lose me,” JC denied, even though they had lost each other, but to JC that no longer mattered. They were here now. And he was going to fix this.
“I did lose you. I know I didn’t make it easy on you after the surgery, I shut everyone out, including you and I shouldn’t have but after that you never called, you never asked how I was,” his tone was sad, not accusatory despite what JC had expected. His arms were crossed over his chest and JC knew he was trying to protect himself. JC even noticed the flinch when he spoke of the surgery and JC didn’t know how to respond.
Finally, he sighed and headed back to his seat on the couch. He rested his elbows on his knees and hid his face in his hands. After taking a deep breath, he moved his hands to rest his head on and revealed, “I was afraid to call.”
Justin’s brow furrowed and he slowly moved back to his seat as well. He sat on the edge of the chair and only looked at JC when he asked, “Why?”
JC exhaled slowly and met Justin’s eyes. “I was afraid you’d hate me because…” he choked.
“Because of what?” Justin prodded gently, honestly not knowing why JC would ever think that.
“Because the last time we talked, I told you the surgery was a good idea, and that everything would be fine,” the words were so soft, and it was obvious to Justin they came from deep within his soul. Justin knew him so well, he knew how JC often blamed himself for things that weren’t his fault. He knew this must have bothered JC for years and it seemed to him that it was almost a confession, a relief, that JC admitted it to him.
“JC,” Justin said sympathetically, but JC didn’t meet his eyes.
“Josh,” he began instead, and this time JC looked up and a small smile danced on his lips. “I don’t blame you.”
Just four little words, it seemed so simple. JC was completely taken aback by Justin’s easiness to forgive. However, there was more on his mind, his conscious was not cleared.
“But I stabbed you in the back,” he said, the sorrow written all over his face.
“How?”
“Jive approached me, offered me a record deal after they dropped you, and I accepted it.”
Justin swallowed hard and despite the fact that this was hard for him to talk about he shook his head, and tried to reassure JC, “I know how Jive works JC, it’s not your fault. You sat by for years when they did everything they could to launch me, while they did squat for you. I understand that you took the opportunity and claimed what was yours.”
JC shook his head, refusing to accept that, “I still shouldn’t have.”
JC had already felt bad after Justin’s surgery when he learned it had not went according to plan. When Justin had been embarrassed and depressed after the surgery and shut everyone out because of it, JC had allowed it. He’d not been as adamant as he usually was, adamant to make Justin feel better and to help him get over it. He would have been, had he not felt too guilty to face him.
It only got worse when he’d accepted the record deal Jive had offered him. How could he face his best friend, who’d just learned he would never be able to sing the way he had again, when he was capitalizing on Justin’s misfortune.
Jive had talked him into it; saying if he didn’t take the opportunity someone else would, saying this was his chance to obtain the career he’d always dreamed off. The implication that Justin had always been in the way of his success was not lost on JC. They sure knew how to sell it, but truth was that he didn’t have to buy it. He’d wanted to believe their sales pitch because he’d needed a justification for going ahead with something that felt very much like selling his friend down the river for his own benefit.
He’d selfishly went for his own career, and he’d justified it by telling himself that Justin would have done the same thing, that Justin would understand. He’d even tried to remind himself that Justin had done the same thing when he’d went for his solo career and left the group. But Justin had told them all individually what he was up to, he told them up front, JC had not.
He’d then tried to ease his guilt by telling himself that Justin had been successful and he’d want JC to experience the same. But even that didn’t work. JC was successful. Jive had invested time and money in the promotion of his album, it had actually been released on the announced date, it had even done well to his own astonishment and he was getting the recognition he’d always wished for. However, the success left a bitter aftertaste. Because while he was justifying his actions and trying to convince himself he’d made the right decision, shame and insecurity were always present just below the surface. Reminding him of the decision he’d made, and the event that had made his big break possible. And with every day that passed, it got harder to justify his actions. Every day it got harder to convince himself that he’d made the right decision. And every day it got harder to enjoy living his dream.
The call from Lynn had come at a perfect time. He thought about Justin often, wondered how he was, but with every day that passed it had gotten harder to pick up the phone and call Justin, to explain, to apologize. Lynn’s request and her gentle prodding had made him take the initiative. He’d still been very nervous, but he’d also left his house, determined to come back with friendship and the knowledge that Justin, who’d once been such an enormous part of his life, was back in his life.
Justin slowly stood up and walked towards JC, sat down next to him. When JC didn’t turn towards him, Justin placed a gentle hand on JC’s upper arm, “I’m proud of you JC.”
JC lifted his head from his hands and faced Justin with a deep frown, “What?” he breathed, deeply confused.
“I’m proud of you,” he repeated softly. “You are so talented and you deserve the success you achieved.”
That brought tears to JC’s eyes, “How can you…” he choked, and Justin smiled softly, “how can you say that?”
The small smile never left Justin’s face as he said, “I mean it.”
JC sniffled, “But you…” he couldn’t finish.
But Justin understood him anyway, “I know, but I still want you to do well and you did.”
JC slumped forward, rested his head on Justin’s shoulder and hugged him tight, “Thank you.” And for a moment he forgot all about the fact that he was actually here to fix Justin.
Justin wrapped his arms tightly around JC and whispered, “You’re welcome.”
It was quite a while before they pulled back, but they stayed close together as they sank into the comfy couch.
“Why did you move here, Justin?” JC asked, looking at Justin sideways, after a long period of silence during which he regrouped his thoughts and his mission.
Justin didn’t answer straight away and he did not meet JC’s eyes when he finally did speak, “Because I could not face the people in LA, people who knew only the old Justin and thought I was him. I could not be who they thought I was and I didn’t want to see the disappointment nor the sympathy in their eyes.”
JC nodded as if he accepted the reason, but his words were different, “I want you to come back with me.”
Justin didn’t respond. JC took it as a sign to continue, “Come back to LA with me, we’ll get you your house back and…”
“Stop JC,” Justin cut him off gently.
“Stop what?”
“Stop trying to fix things,” Justin told him, eyeing him.
“I can’t,” JC confessed, looking away.
“You can’t fix this, JC, I know you want to but you can’t.”
“I can,” JC denied stubbornly.
“No, you can’t. I lost everything JC, my voice, my talent, my career, my life,”
“You chose to lose your life, Justin, you did not have to move,” he knew it would anger Justin, but maybe that wasn’t a bad thing, if it got him thinking.
“Don’t you dare say that,” Justin warned.
“You could have chosen to mourn for a while, and then move on to other things, but you didn’t, you chose to throw your life away by moving to the middle of fucking nowhere.”
Justin just glared at him now.
“You have so much potential, Justin. You lost your voice, and I don’t pretend to know what you’re going through, it’s the worst possible scenario for us, but don’t you ever say you lost your talent.”
“My voice was my talent,” Justin yelled, his voice cracking which just made him flinch, and caused tears to spring to his eyes.
“Oh, Justin,” JC sympathized. “Your talent is more than just your voice. Music is in your veins, just because your voice doesn’t sound the same, does not mean you can’t still make music.”
Justin nodded his head harshly, “Yes it does! I can’t create music without being able to sing.”
“Tell me you’ve tried it and it didn’t work?” JC challenged.
Justin stubbornly fixed him with a glare that told JC exactly what he thought; Justin hadn’t tried it yet.
JC smiled when Justin hmphed and looked away, “Exactly.” JC knew it wasn’t the perfect solution, but there were plenty of people who wrote music but couldn’t really sing it themselves, that’s why they got other people to do it.
“Justin,” JC began, scooting closer, “You have so much to offer, don’t let it go to waste?”
Justin sighed.
“The world needs you,” he smiled a little as he said it. At the beginning of their career they’d always told themselves they were going to change the world, they would make a difference and the world would want to get to know them. Right now, that thought seemed ridiculous, but it had always brought a smile to his face, and he was hoping the same was true of Justin.
But Justin snorted, “Yeah right.”
“I need you.”
The words were so soft that Justin almost didn’t catch them. The frown on Justin’s face dropped immediately as he asked, “What?”
JC bent his head, a little shocked himself at the words that had left his mouth. He took a deep breath, realizing nervously that this was a confession that went deeper than friendship. But despite the realization, he repeated, “I need you.”
Justin only stared at him with his mouth slightly ajar, JC had never said anything like this to him before. Never with that tone, never in that way, never with that look.
JC hesitated only for a brief second before he reached for Justin’s hand, and as he met Justin’s eyes, with a little more courage and strength he confessed, “I need you.”
There was still no reaction from Justin, and after a little while JC moved his other hand to cup Justin’s cheek. With a new found confidence he gently guided Justin’s face closer, leaned in himself until their lips were softly touching.
He caressed Justin’s hand and waited patiently until Justin let his lips fall open and allowed him in. His tongue slipped inside Justin’s mouth and when he met Justin’s tongue an electric chill went through his body; he knew this was right.
“I’ll spend the rest of my life here, in the middle of nowhere, if that’s what you want. If you don’t want to go back to LA with me, I’ll stay here with you because I want you to be part of my life and I want to be part…” insecurity resurfaced for a moment as he looked into Justin's eyes, “Of yours.”
Justin was still trying to process what JC was saying.
But this time JC waited until Justin was ready to give a response. His nerves were all over the place but he managed to stay still.
“I… okay,” Justin finally breathed, after what seemed like hours to JC but were merely minutes.
“Okay?” he repeated cautiously.
Justin nodded, “I’m not ready to go back to LA yet, but I might be someday.”
JC smiled carefully, knowing he shouldn’t expect miracles at the drop of a hat, and Justin saying that he might be ready to face the world again some day was good enough for him, at least for now. “Ok,” he accepted.
It was not exactly ‘the fixing’ he’d intended to do. He hadn’t gone to Justin with the intention to confess he loved him, he’d always had deep feelings for him, but he’d never realized that the feelings were so deep that it was more than friendship.
The second he spoke those three words he realized that he needed Justin like he needed no one else. And it suddenly became very clear to him why he’d not been able to enjoy his success as much as he thought he would. It was not just because he’d felt so guilty about capitalizing on Justin’s misfortune, it was because Justin had not been there to celebrate it with him, had not been there to share it with him. He’d just not been there period, and JC only now realized how empty the past two years of his life had been and how miserable he’d been, all because of the absence of his best friend.
“I can wait,” JC told him confidently, looking directly into Justin’s eyes.
Justin looked away for only a second to gather his courage before he said, “But in the mean time…” he met JC’s eyes and admitted, “I don’t want to be alone anymore.”
JC’s smile spread slowly until he was grinning and Justin allowed himself to smile back. Reaching for Justin’s hand, JC leaned in to kiss him gently and when JC pulled back, their eyes locked as he promised, “You won’t be, ever again.”
The end