(no subject)
Title: Forever yours 2/2
Author: dutch_ chick aka Jenny
Rated: NC-17
Word Count: 6.488
Pairing: Jared/ Jensen
Disclaimer: This is not real.
Genre: au
Summary: Sequel to three days in row. After Jay leaves Jensen gets his live back on track. What will he do when he meets Jay again? And who is Jay anyway?
Beta: letsgetstarted who is my hero. *starts singing* did you ever know that you're my heeerroooo.
Part one
Jensen smiled at Chris, keeping track of Jay out of the corner of his eye. The other man seemed to be enjoying himself, walking around the room talking to everyone.
“So he’s it huh?”Chris asked Jensen noticing how Jensen kept on tracking Jared.
Jensen nodded, “Yeah,” he sighed, refusing to take his eyes of Jared.
Chris punched his arm forcing Jensen’s attention to him and then grinned. Jensen knew Chris was happy for him. Jensen wasn't really sure himself, he loved Jared that much he did know. Jared though, Jared was a different story. After Jared told him about Adam Jensen didn’t know how to react. It was clear that even if Jared might be over everything that had happened, it had left scars and with Jensen not being exactly scar-free himself, he didn’t know how to handle things.
“Hey Jen,” Jared said, smiling as he walked towards him and Chris.
Jared looked happy and confident and Jensen felt a bit proud. Jared seemed to be sincerely happy and Jensen knew that he was partly the reason for that.
“Hey Jay, this is Chris. Chris this is Jared.”
Chris smiled at Jared and shook his hand, “We’ve already met before.”
Jared’s smile wobbled a bit but he soon recovers, “Oh right, yeah, I was the awkward dude leaving Jensen’s bedroom.”
Chris laughed and Jensen leaned back, watching this play out. His friends wouldn’t do anything to make Jared feel uncomfortable, but Chris could be a bit overwhelming, always looking out for Jensen - even though Jensen could do that for himself, thank you very much. After the whole deal with Danneel Chris seemed to feel more justified and he had gotten even worse.
“Is that hot little feisty thing with you?” Chris said, pointing at the brunette .
Jensen smiled, he saw Chris trying to hit on the girl before. He didn’t know what his friend said but the girl threw her drink in his face, turned to get another one and threw that in his face too. Jensen had thought it was hilarious , he remembered that girl too. She was the one from the strip club. When he told Chris that the other man got even more interested.
“Who’s Chad?” Jared questioned and Jensen spat out his drink, laughing.
Chad was one of Jared’s friends, Jared claimed that he was his closest friend. Jared had introduced him to Jensen earlier. Jensen would call Chad a lot of things but hot and feisty, not so much. More like short and squinty.
Chris looked confused until Chad joined them, “Someone said my name.”
“Yes and if I say it two more times you’ll disappear,” Jensen dead panned.
Jared laughed again and Chris glared at him.
“You mean Sandy, she's an ex-coworker of mine,” Jared explains.
It was that moment Sandy chose to glare at Chris and Jensen thought the other man might be right. He and Sandy might be made for each other. Jared and Chad wandered off to get some more drinks and Jensen turned back to Chris.
“I think the boy likes you,” Chris said, looking after Jared then nodding. “He seems okay,” he added as they watched Jared pick up three coronas.
Jensen nodded, he didn’t know that he was waiting for Chris' approval but now that he had it he felt so much better. Chris never liked Danneel, even though she was a sweet girl and in the end Chris proved to be a great judge of character.
“I love him,” Jensen sighed and Chris just grinned.
Later that night when he and Jared were getting ready for bed Jared sat down on the bed just looking at Jensen.
“What?” Jensen asked as he took his shirt off.
Jared blushed and looked away, “I just keep on waiting to wake up you know and feel the heartbreak again,” he whispered.
Jensen frowned and moved to stand between Jared’s legs kissing the other man gently. He knew how Jared felt, well sort of. Back when Danneel left him he kept waiting to wake up and realize it was all a nightmare. This was the same thing only reversed. Didn’t mean he knew how to handle it though.
“I remember how much it hurt you know? I just, it’s weird that it’s gone you know?”
Jensen just nodded. He wished he could tell Jared everything was going to be alright, but he didn’t know if that was the truth - also it didn’t seem like something Jared wanted to hear right now. Jensen just leaned into Jared some more trying to show his comfort with that gesture and Jared’s hands moved to his ass, pulling him in.
“Hmm, that's a good thing right Jay?” Jensen whispered.
“It scares me Jen,” Jared said, nuzzling beneath Jensen’s ear, “so much.”
Jensen sighed, fisting Jared’s hair pulling so that Jared had to look at his face, “I know, I understand.” Jensen did understand that part of it. He got that Jared was afraid to fall in love again. Hell even if you didn’t have a broken heart, love was a scary thing.
Jared gave him a small smile, “That scares me even more.”
“I love you,” Jensen whispered against Jay’s mouth, needing to say the words before they choked him up.
He pushed his body against Jared and crawled on the other man's lap when Jared let himself fall backward onto the bed. He sighed against Jared’s neck when he felt him hard against his ass. They hadn't had sex since Jared left, it just hadn’t felt right yet but, right now, as Jensen ground down on Jared’s cock, he thought that they might be ready for it.
“Jen,” Jared groaned, gripping Jensen’s hips harder, pulling him down as he pushed up.
Jensen felt frantic and needy, Jay was the only one who ever made him feel like that. He pushed and pulled at Jared clothes until Jared laughed and pushed him back a little. Jensen growled until Jared started unbuttoning his shirt. Jensen stared at the naked skin in front of him wanting to taste. He leaned down and licked a stripe on Jared’s chest, sucking a hickey above the right nipple.
“Fuck Jen,” Jared mumbled as he pushed Jensen down a bit.
Jensen slid off the bed and dropped to the floor between Jared’s legs. His mouth watered as he looked at the bulge in Jared’s pants. He was desperate for Jared’s cock, wanted the other man so much. Wanted to make Jared feel good, make him moan. It was different from the first time they did this. Jensen knew it was because he was more secure about what he wanted. He wanted Jay, he wanted to have hot mind blowing sex with Jay and only Jay.
He was so needy that he mouthed Jared's cock before it was fully out of the confinement of his boxers. Sucked it down as soon as the piece of clothing was out of the way. Loving the way Jared tasted, the sexy sounds the other man was making and the knowledge that he was giving Jay pleasure.
Jared’s hands found the back of his head and Jared started fucking into his mouth. Jensen just closed his eyes and breathed through his nose. He wanted to swallow Jay whole, wanted every last drop of him. Wanted Jay to be entirely his.
Then Jared cursed and pushed him away. “I want......can I?” he asked, pulling Jensen up and pushing him on the bed.
Jensen would object to being manhandled like a little girl, if it wasn’t turning him on so much. Jared moved to lay between his legs and pushed his cock against Jensen's boxer clad ass. Jensen felt Jared's precome seep through the material and moaned.
“Fuck me,” he whispered, as Jared moved to pull off his boxers.
“Please Jay,” he begged, as Jay kissed a trail along Jensen's neck.
“Yeah, yeah, need to get you ready first,” Jared said, his finger circling Jensen hole. He slowly pushed inside as he kissed his way lower down Jensen's body. He licked past the muscles of his stomach, over his cock down his balls until he reached Jensen's hole. Jensen twitched in anticipation as Jared’s tongue started moving towards the finger in his ass. When he felt the first wet lap he let out a sharp cry, pushing down on Jared’s finger, needing more. It didn’t take long before Jensen was desperate with need and had three fingers up his ass.
“More Jay, need you. Need your cock,” he moaned, pushing and pulling Jared until the other man was on top of him again, cock rubbing against him - almost entering his ass, precome slicking up his hole even more.
Jensen grabbed frantically at Jared’s shoulders, a low moan escaping his throat as the other man entered him. It burnt and hurt a little but it all faded quickly compared to the feeling of Jared. Jared inside him, Jared making love to him, Jared whispering sweet nothings in his ear mixed with the occasional moan or grunt.
Jared took his time, slowly moving inside Jensen. It made Jensen feel utterly loved and he closed his eyes against the emotions. Jensen was reduced to whimpering needy sounds, words no longer making it out of his throat when Jared picked up the pace. His hands found Jared’s ass in an attempt to get him to move faster, harder, deeper. Moaning as Jared complied.
“God Jensen, you feel so good,” Jared whimpered.
Jared fucked into him with hard punishing thrusts, every single one of them aimed for Jensen's prostate. Jensen felt the pressure build in his stomach, his ball tighten and he knew he was close. Jared stroked his head and Jensen opened his eyes looking straight into Jared’s. The other mans eyes shone with love and affection. Before he realizes what was happening Jensen was coming all over himself moving shakily against Jared’s body. He floated on the thin line between pain and pleasure when he heard Jared groan, speeding up his thrusts and coming in thick spurts inside him.
Jared collapsedmostly on top of him, his breath hot on Jensen’s neck. Jensen ran a soothing hand over Jared’s back as both of them tried to catch their breath.
Jared leaned up a bit to look in Jensen’s eyes the same shine of affection in them as before, “Fuck Jensen, I.........” his voice got stuck.
Jensen leaned up and kissed Jared, silencing him. When he pulled back Jared’s eyes were clouded with emotions and he reached up to caress Jensen’s face, as if he was trying to make sure Jensen was real.
“I love you,” Jensen whispered against his lips and Jared let out a choked breath like he didn’t believe it, until now.
When Jared woke the next morning Jensen wasn't there, but he could hear the shower running so he laid back down looking at the ceiling. His mind was still reeling, he told Jensen so much, maybe too much and. yeah he was ready to admit to himself that he was scared. Scared because he has feelings for Jensen. Jared didn’t really know what to think of that. It didn’t really seem to matter seeings as his heart seemed to have taken over, telling his mind to shut up.
Jensen walked out of the bathroom with a small contented smile on his face which grew bigger when he saw Jared was awake.
“I never expected to feel this way again,” the words were out of his mouth before Jared realized it and he felt his cheeks go red.
Jensen froze where he was and just stared at Jared. He was naked with a towel in his hand mid hair drying motion. His eyes widened in surprise. Jared felt the same way, naked, exposed and ashamed. He hadn't wanted to say this to Jensen, not yet. Not until he knew what it meant.
“I mean, I.........” he wanted to explain, not sure how to.
Jensen unfroze, nodded and walked towards Jared. Jared felt his heart rate quicken and he swallowed thickly, not knowing what to say. Jensen seemed to notice his discomfort and just crawled on top of the bed and snuggled close to Jared. He didn’t say anything and when Jared opened his mouth to explain he shushed him. Jared frowned a little, struggling with his emotions but then just relaxed against Jensen.
He closed his eyes thinking about Jensen, he didn’t want to lose whatever it was they had. He wanted to stay with Jensen, have the other man in his life forever. It hit him how deep he already was in this. He thought he was lost the moment he searched Jensen out at that party. He sighed and relaxed completely when he realized that it was already too late to pull back now, might as well close his eyes and take the leap.
Jensen held him close for a while and Jared felt himself relax completely, his mind empty and his heart beating a slow steady rhythm. He couldn't remember the last time he was so at ease with someone.
“Did you have a good time yesterday?” Jensen asked when they were walking downstairs towards the kitchen.
Jared smiled, thing is he did have fun. He actually liked Jensen’s friends. They were nice to him, albeit a bit protective of Jensen, which made him like the guys even more. Even Chad and Sandy had a great time.
“Yeah,” he paused looking at Jensen as he started preparing breakfast, “Yeah they were cool.”
Jensen hmmd and continued making what looks like scrambled eggs. Jared could see tension in his shoulders and felt something dark twist in his stomach. The content feeling disappeared and he straightened his shoulders, preparing for the worst.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, trying to keep the worry out of his voice.
Jensen turned to him with a small smile on his lips, “You know you’re really good at reading me.”
Jared felt a blush rise to his cheeks, Jensen’s voice was intimate and soft spoken as he said it and it made Jared feel special. Also Jensen’s words meant a lot. During the party Jared talked to Chris a bit and the other man told Jared that Jensen was really closed off. Even more so since Danneel. Jared figured he had had to be, in the business he was in. Jared was only starting an actor but he had already experienced people always wanting something from him. So Jensen admitting that Jared could read him, made him feel special. He realized that whatever it was making that was making Jensen nervous couldn’t be that bad.
Jensen sighed and the sound pulled Jared back to the here and now and he focused on Jensen again.
“I, eh, I want to ask you something,” Jensen whispered, “I just don’t know how.”
Jared stood up, walking to stand behind Jensen wrapping his arms around the other man trying to reassure him. Jensen sighed like it was the best thing Jared had ever done.
“The movie is premiering in two weeks.”
Jared hmmd leaning down to kiss Jensen’s neck.
“I want you, do you want to come with me? A-as my boyfriend?”
Jared pulled Jensen against his body, grinning against his neck. He couldn’t help feeling relieved. Deep down inside he was still waiting for something bad to happen and every time Jensen became this serious he was a little worried.
“Boyfriend,” he said, his smile clear in his voice, he could handle that.
Jensen pulled away from Jared’s body turning around with a small frown on his face. Jared was confused, he thought that that was what Jensen wanted, right? Jensen wanted them to be boyfriends and if Jared was honest with himself he wanted that too. He was just afraid. But no matter how afraid he was, he didn’t want to break Jensen's heart.
“I-I mean if you want,” Jensen blushed bright red, “fuck you got me stuttering like an idiot.”
Jared laughed, pulling Jensen in for a kiss. He couldn’t resist, the other man was adorable. Jared didn’t know how to handle it sometimes, but it seemed like Jensen was set on making him fall in love.
“Okay.”
Jensen looked at him again pulling away completely, walking to the other side of the kitchen. “Look I understand if you don’t want to. I mean you’re just starting your career and I understand if you.....”
Jared sighed, “Jensen I said yes didn’t I? I don’t mind.”
Jensen’s face turns thunder dark when Jared says this and Jared realized too late that he said the wrong thing. “Fuck that Jared you shouldn’t be doing something just because you think I want it!” Jensen said, throwing his arms in the air in frustration.
The gesture is so familiar that Jared lets himself sink to the floor in memory
“Jay you shouldn’t be doing it because you think I want it!”Adam yelled angrily
Thing was Jared thought he did want to have sex. It wasn’t only about making Adam happy, even if it was a big part of it. He wanted to make Adam happy and he knew that his boyfriend was frustrated. Also he knew Adam could get it anywhere anytime and he was afraid if he didn’t put out Adam would leave him.
“Adam it’s not like that, I love you and I want to be with you,” Jared said trying to avert a fight.
“I love you too Jay and you are with me! We don’t have to fuck to make it real Jay.”
“But you want to,” Jared said in a small voice, close to tears.
Adam relaxed and he walked towards Jared pulling the other man into his arms.
“God Jay, I’d be crazy not to want you. But really Jay, baby, I can wait,” he said and Jared could see the sincerity in his eyes. “You’re my forever Jay.”
Jared was forced back into the here and now when Jensen shook him.
“Jay, baby, are you alright? “
Jared blinked the tears back as he looked at Jensen. The other man was looking at him with clear fear and concern on his face. “Did you,” Jared swallowed trying to make his voice sound normal, “did you just call me baby”?”
Jensen shifts sitting next to him, stroking his back in a comforting gesture, “I guess, is that okay?”
Jared smiled, “Yeah, listen Jen,“ he took Jensen’s hand in his in an effort to show that he was serious, “I really want to go to that premiere , together.”
Jensen was nervous, yes he was not afraid to admit it. He was about to walk the red carpet to see the latest movie he was starring in, and he was about to do it with his boyfriend.
“Jen? Are you almost ready?” Jared said, walking into the room.
A car was scheduled to pick them up in a couple of minutes and Jared was already dressed. He was dressed in a dark blue suit with white dress shirt and a light blue tie. He stole Jensen’s breath away by simply leaning in the doorway, legs crossed at the ankles.
Jensen turned back to the mirror, fixing his tie, “I should have introduced you to my parents before.“ He messed up the knot, loosened it and started tying it again. “I should have told them before.” He let his hands drop away from the tie before he choked himself, “Fuck.”
Jared just gave him another small smile and pushed away from the door. He walked up to Jensen, taking the tie and wrapping it around his own neck. “Never could do this on someone else,” he explained as he began to tie the knot.
Jensen sighed as Jared fixed his tie and gave it back to him.
“You explained to them that I was busy with filming and everything. They wouldn’t have expected us to fly back and forth. We’re having dinner after the movie and you can tell them all about your new project. Don’t worry about it.”
Jensen knew Jared was right, but still he couldn’t help but worry. It was multiple things that were on his mind. Sure, Jensen was out in every sense of the word but showing up with a boyfriend on a red carpet, he didn’t know how that would go. Also Jared said he had discussed it with his agent and it might harm his career, but not badly, after all he was with Jensen Ackles. Still, that was part of Jensen’s worry too. The last thing he wanted was to hurt Jared, in any way at all.
“Would you just stop worrying about everything and just enjoy our evening out, “Jared said leaning in close and whispering in his ear, “if you buy me popcorn I might put out.”
Jensen smiled giving Jared a small peck on the lips, “See babe, that’s why I love you.”
Jared gave Jensen a lazy smile, “That the only reason?”
Jensen felt his heart speed up, this was the first time Jared had even acknowledged Jensen's words. Jared makes it sound as if he is joking but deep down inside Jensen knows that Jared is still insecure about them. He took Jared’s face in his hands, looking deep into the other man's eyes. “No, I love who you are. I love your soul.” he whispered, before kissing Jared sweet and slow.
When he pulled back Jared was looking at him like he couldn’t believe Jensen was real. Jensen gave him a small smile before taking his hand and pulling him towards the car.
There was a rise in sound, screams and calls for their names, when they walked onto the carpet. Jensen knew this, used to love it but Jared’s hand squeezed Jensen's tighter and Jensen could feel how nervous he was. He looked back at Jared and pulled him slowly to the press standing on the side lines. He smiled at the journalist standing there mic out to interview him. Jensen promised his agent that he would do a couple of interviews before running inside and enjoying his boyfriend.
“Jensen, Jensen Ackles,” the man said, smiling.
Jensen knew who he was, it was the guy from E! who had made his coming out documentary. He smiled, knowing that the guy is okay.
“with Jared Padalecki,” the guy added as they stood in front of him.
If Jared was surprised, he didn’t show it. Jensen looked at his boyfriend and thought that the other man was a really good actor. There was no trace left of the nervousness Jared showed earlier.
“You’re the new big thing, or so I heard. Didn’t know they meant big literally though,” the man said and Jared let out a booming laugh.
Jensen just smiled holding Jared’s hand. He doesn’t mind being second fiddle in this interview.
“So, you’re the lead of ‘Making the Most of Now’ the movie’s still being shot. Are you enjoying it?”
“Yeah, the cast is great and the storyline is really good,” Jared said and Jensen watched the other man practically glowing with glee.
Jensen leaned back looking at his boyfriend as he starts talking about the movie. He had already read the script so it was nothing new for him, but seeing Jared interact with the press was something new for him. Jared seemed more confident - in his element. Jensen looked at both men with a small content smile on his face, not really paying attention to what either man was saying.
“So, you’re here with Jensen?” the man asked and Jensen’s thoughts snapped back to the here and now.
“Yeah, he’s actually the one who encouraged me to try acting again. I mean, I know I’m kind of old for a newcomer but he was the one who said I should try,” there was so much adoration in the words it made Jensen's heart swell.
“Well Jensen you must be proud of him?”
Jensen just nodded, not trusting his voice right now.
“So, one more question for the both of you. Are you two together? Can we call you the hot new couple of Hollywood?”
Jared’s smile threatened to split his face as he answers the question, “Yeah. Although I don’t know about the hot new couple.”
“Ahh baby,” Jensen smiled, pulling Jared closer to him, “you’re hot enough for the both of us.”
They made some more small talk about Jensen‘s movie and if there was the possibility of them ever working together. They finished up the interview and went to see the movie. When they sat down Jared snuggled close to Jensen. It took Jensen by surprise, but he just went with it enjoying the closeness to his boyfriend.
“I think that went okay,” Jared whispered.
Jensen shrugged, he knows the press, one moment they’re your friends, the next they stab you in the back. He wasn’t really concerned though, he was used to it. Even if they don’t take it well, tomorrow there would be something else they’re shocked about.
“Perez was already making assumptions and you know he’s rooting for gay actors who are out of the closet.”
Jensen smiled placing a kiss on Jared’s temple, “I was never in the closet.”
Jared made a small humming noise and turned to watch the movie. Jensen wrapped his arm around Jared’s shoulders, pulling the other man close. He let out a sigh of contentment, if this was the rest of his life, Jensen wouldn’t mind giving up the fame for this.
Jared walked into the restaurant grabbing Jensen’s hand tight. He had never had to meet anyone’s parents before and it seems like a big step. He didn’t want to fuck things up. Jensen gave him a quick update in the car and he tried to convince Jared that everything would be okay. Jared wasn’t so sure. When Jensen came out to his parents they had been okay with that. But there was a difference in knowing your son is gay and seeing he was really fucking a man.
“It’s not like we’re going to fuck on the table Jared,” Jensen said when Jared voiced his concern.
Jared gave Jensen a small smile and looked at the table they’re walking to. There were two elderly people sitting at it, talking until they saw them approaching. The woman’s face lit up as she saw Jensen and she came around the table to hug him. Jensen had to let go of his hand to hug her back and Jared stepped back, looking at the scene in front of him.
After both Jensen’s parents have greeted Jensen they turn to Jared. They're both friendly smiling with affection as Jensen introduces them. Donna and Alan Ackles. Jared tries calling them Mr. and Mrs. Ackles, but they both dismiss that and insist on being called by their first names. They all make small talk as they sit down to eat and Jared can’t help but think back.
He wanted it to be like this back then with Adam. He had expected his parents to be supportive of him and the man he loved. Sitting here and seeing Jensen and his parents and the way they act, Jared wished that his parents had been the same way. Jared wished that they had been there for him when Adam got sick.
The evening passed quickly and by the end of it Jared was a complete wreck.
“Hey Jared honey, are you alright?” Donna asked when Jensen and Alan left to get the cars, Jared nodded.
He realized that he’d been a bit quiet throughout the evening. The thing was he didn’t know how to act. What was the right thing to say here? How was he supposed to make conversation?
“I’m okay, I’m just really nervous,” he blurted out and Donna laughed. The crinkles around her eyes remind him of Jensen.
“It’s okay honey. No need to be. It’s good to see that our son is loved and you do love him don’t you?” she asked but Jared got the feeling it wasn’t really a question.
Jensen arrived back just in time so that he didn’t have to answer. He doesn’t know how to answer if he was honest with himself.
“Come on, baby, let’s go home,“ Jensen whispered when they were in the car and Jared froze.
They’re a couple. Jared hadn’t really realized this before now, which sounded stupid but he really hadn’t. Jensen expects them to be together forever and love each other always. He can’t, Jared can’t give him that. Jensen must know that Jared can’t give him that. Jared doesn’t want to give the other man false hope.
When they arrived back at the house Jensen turned towards him and kissed him, “You did great baby, I love you so much.”
“I don’t.....,” Jared chokes on the rest of that sentence, knowing it will hurt Jensen.
Jensen pulled back looking confused and Jared felt for the other man, he really did but he couldn’t let this go on the way it was. Jensen thinks Jared loves him, assumes he does. Jared swallowed trying to speak but his tongue felt thick in his mouth.
Jensen’s face changed, it was subtle but Jared watched the other man close off, make a decision.
“Jay, tell me you love me,” Jensen asked.
Jared shook his head he couldn’t. He couldn’t give Jensen false hope.
“Jay why can’t you tell me you love me?”
“I can’t okay? You’re going to leave eventually or die or get hurt.”
Jensen stopped him mid ramble.
“I won’t leave you Jared, I love you and you’re it for me.”
Jared wanted to believe him, he did, but he couldn’t. When Jared didn’t reply Jensen looked at him for a long time and then nodded.
“Let’s just go to bed,” he said, moving to go upstairs.
Jared didn’t follow him. He sat downstairs thinking about Jensen and them. What they had. He never wanted this to happen, didn’t want to get sucked in this deep. Sure he decided to let go at some point and just take the plunge, but he really never expected it to be like this. He figured Jensen would get sick of him eventually, but here they were, almost four months later and they’re still going strong. Jared doesn’t know what to do with that.
When Jensen came downstairs the next morning he looked at Jared accusingly, “You didn’t come upstairs.”
“Yeah, well,” Jared answered feeling like a dick the moment the words left his mouth.
“You’re afraid something might happen, I get that. Afraid that something will happen to me maybe? But you know what Jay, I’m still going to get hurt when you’re gone, the only difference is you won’t know it! Come on Jay this isn’t just a fling! And you leaving will hurt me more than anything else ever can. I know you love me too.”
Jared froze, knew in his heart that what Jensen said was true. He was just not ready to say it out loud yet. Why couldn’t Jensen understand? Why couldn’t he just accept that Jared couldn’t open up to him, give himself fully. Jensen was so understanding when Jared told him about Adam. He wanted to know more about the other man, so why doesn’t Jensen accept this too.
“You don’t understand you can’t.”
Jensen looked at Jared with understanding and a hint of disappointment, “Oh yeah because I haven’t been burned. It isn’t like my fiancée left me at the altar or anything,” he closed his eyes and took a deep breath like he was trying to calm himself. “Not what I wanted to say.”
Jared saw his stance change from stiff and ready to fight to defeat. Jensen looked him straight in the eye and Jared swallowed hard, seeing the unshed tears.
“I deserve better than this Jay. Yes, you helped me and yes, I love you and I do understand really, I get why you can’t give yourself fully. But I’m giving this my everything and I deserve nothing less in return. I thought that having you here, without having all of you would be enough for me. But last night I realized it isn’t. I’m sorry Jay.”
Jared looked at him in confusion, he didn’t understand what Jensen was saying. Or didn’t want to, because to him it sounded like Jensen was saying it was over. He didn’t want it to be over. He wanted Jensen to be with him forever, wanted his love forever.
“ What? Jensen you can’t. Why,” when he didn’t know how to ask what he wanted to know he sighed and started again. “I don’t want you to leave me.”
Jensen looked at him with pity and sadness, “You’re the one who’s pushing me away.”
Jensen walked up the stairs to the bedroom and Jared followed him. Jensen started packing Jared’s stuff and Jared just watched him. Jensen took the bags downstairs and put them next to the door.
“I called Sandy and asked her if you had a place to stay,” Jensen explained, “a cab will be here shortly.”
Jared could feel the panic build in his chest, “You can’t Jensen. You can’t leave me. Please you, you love me, you can’t”
Jensen stopped him mid sentence by holding his hand up, “Then stop me Jared,” he begged.
Jared didn’t know how. It was clear from the tone in Jensen’s voice that he should know and he wanted to, he wanted to stop Jensen from doing this. He needed Jensen, but he couldn’t. He just can’t. He can’t be what Jensen wants him to be.
“I thought you understood,” he whispered accusingly, feeling anger build in his chest.
Yes he could deal with that, anger. He was mad at Jensen. Jensen said that he understood. He made Jared think that he would always be there for him. Yes he was angry, Jensen had the nerve to leave him.
“Jay, can’t you see I’m hurting here. You have me. You have my heart completely and I think you always will. I just can’t be in a relationship with you. Not when you can’t open up. It’s like pulling 500 pounds of dead weight. No matter how hard I try I will never get it where I want it. I’m tired Jay. I........” Jensen collapsed on the floor, looking beat.
Jared stared at him the anger fading away.
“I try Jensen, I really do.”
“But you can’t give yourself completely, afraid something will happen when you do. I understand, even if your fear is irrational I understand. I just, no matter how much I love you Jay, I can’t handle this anymore. I’m sorry.”
Jared looked at him blinking away the tears, letting them slowly fall from his eyes. Jensen is shaking on the ground and Jared knows he is crying too. He wants to move towards the other man, comfort him.
A horn sounded from outside and Jared knew it was the cab. Jensen looked up at him again, green eyes bright and wet, silently begging him to fix this. Like there was something Jared could do to fix this. Jared reached out his hand in silent question and Jensen shook his head leaning down on his knees again, hiding his face.
Jared knew there was nothing he could do to fix this. Jensen had made up his mind, Jared wasn’t enough for him. He took the suitcases and walked out of the house, towards the cab.
Jensen called Chris the moment Jared walked out of the house.
“I kicked him out Chris,” he sighed and Chris hung up the phone.
Jensen sat on the couch knowing that Chris was on his way. He was still reeling with what he'd just done. Couldn’t believe that Jared really left. Jensen had hoped that the discussion would help Jared see. He never really expected to get as angry as he did. Hell he was still angry. Jared just didn’t understand how hard it was for him. How hard it was to love a man who always kept a part of himself locked up and away from him. It nearly killed Jensen that even when he’d given himself to Jared completely the other man just couldn't trust Jensen enough to do the same.
He wasn’t sorry that he kicked Jared out though. Even if he loved the other man with all of his heart. If Jared couldn’t tell Jensen he loved him even after six months, then he might never be ready for it and Jensen knew that it would kill him to live the rest of his life like this. Waiting for the day Jared realized that Jensen wasn’t going anywhere.
There was a knock on the door and Jensen walked to the door to open it for Chris.
“The fuck did you do that for,” Chris asked as if fifteen minutes hadn't passed since Jensen had spoken.
“He, Chris he isn’t committed, not in anyway.” Jensen sighed not knowing how to explain this to his friend.
“Why didn't you tell me before? Did you talk to him before?”
Jensen thought about it, he had never really voiced his concern with Jared. He had tried to but the other man would look hurt and Jensen would let it go. He hadn’t realized until last night that that was the way things were between them. Jensen always tried to do whatever made Jared happy and sure that was what love was all about, sacrifice and wanting the other person to be happy. It made him think, if Jared didn’t do that for him, did that mean he didn’t love him? That thought had hurt, Jensen was so convinced that Jared did love him, but this put doubt in his heart. Doubt that grew overnight and exploded during their fight.
“I tried Chris, I just,” Jensen sighed dropping his head in his hands, “I just don’t know how to deal with everything Chris. I did my best and maybe it wasn’t good enough.”
Chris nodded, “Well Jensen, I don’t know much about him, but I know about you and I've never seen you like this with anyone. That you'd get this angry about it only shows how much you care. Don’t just throw this away,” Chris said, looking serious.
Jensen nodded, he knew Chris was right. He just needed time, time to get it all straight in his head. Some time apart would do him and Jared good, besides he didn’t think he could talk to Jared without giving in and he really didn’t want to give in on this.
“I just need some time. I just need some time okay?”
Jensen didn’t realize a week had passed until Chris calls him again. He has been busy with work and not calling Jared to keep track on time. He wanted Jared to come to him and it worried him that the other man hadn’t. Maybe Jared didn’t love Jensen like Jensen wanted the other man to love him.
He was contemplating calling Jared when his phone rang. It was Jared’s number and his heart swelled. When he picked up though it plummeted almost as fast.
“Jensen? It’s Jared, he’s sick.”
Jensen is off the phone and in his car within minutes. Sandy had explained to him how Jared had pneumonia. He had gotten a cold earlier this week and refused to go to the doctors, wanting to continue working. Sandy told Jensen how sad Jared had been and Jensen’s heart broke. When he asked why she hadn’t called earlier, she told him that Jared hadn't wanted her to. Later, when he got really sick she thought that Jared would get better with treatment.
“The treatment didn’t work though and now he’s in the hospital. Jensen he’s slipping into a coma, has been hallucinating most of the time and the treatment won't work.” She sounded really worried and Jensen felt like he might throw up.
“But how can they not work. Pneumonia is like a chest infection right?”
“The doctor says that it’s like he doesn’t want to fight it off. Jensen......he might die.”
Jensen closed his eyes and gave up a silent prayer. Sandy doesn’t know about Adam, Jared told him that he hadn’t told any of his friends. Jensen knows it might be a reason for Jared to stop fighting. If Adam was waiting for him in heaven then Jared had no reason to turn around. Especially not after the fight he and Jensen had had.
“Okay Sandy, I’m pulling into the parking lot. See you soon.”
Adam was struggling to breathe and closed his eyes, swallowing painfully.
“This is it baby, live fast die young.”
Jared swallowed away the tears and stroked the other man’s cheek, “and be a beautiful corpse.”
Adam smiled painfully. Jared knows this is it. The end of his life as they speak. He doesn’t know how to live without Adam. Doesn’t know if he can. They've fought about this before, Adam insisting that he should leave. Jared refusing no matter how much Adam tried to push him away. He understood, Adam didn’t want him to see the love of his life slowly dying, but Jared couldn’t think of any other place he’d rather be right now other than by Adam’s side.
“Promise me one thing,” Adam asked, breath catching in his throat.
His breathing was becoming shallow and every now and then it would stop. The doctor had said it would go like this, still Jared hadn’t been fully prepared.
“Anything you want,” he whispered, taking Adam’s hand.
“Be happy again baby. Just move on and start living again, love again.”
“Adam,” Jared sighed not knowing how he was going to promise something like that when he didn’t know if he could keep that promise.
“Just do it Jay.”
“Okay, I’l l try okay? I promise I’ll try.”
Adam nods, breathing slowing down more and his eyes falling closed.
“You’re my one and only Adam. You’re my life. The only one I’ll ever love,” Jared whispered.
This was the part where Adam died. Where he let out one final breath and died.
Only that's not how it went. Adam opened his eyes again, didn’t look sick at all now. Dark eyes shining with love and he looked peaceful.
“No I’m not, not anymore,” Adam said and he didn’t look hurt or angry like Jared expected. He looked lovingly and accepting. “It’s okay Jay baby, he’s wonderful. “
Jared looked him in the eye and realized that Adam was okay with this. Suddenly dark eyes change into bright green ones. They look hurt, confused and accusing.
“Why can’t you tell me you love me,” Jensen asked, tears clear in his voice.
Jared looked around and saw he was in a white empty space him and Jensen the only people there.
Jensen's features changed and it was Adam again, “You promised Jay. You said you’d be happy so why can’t you just be happy?”
Jared felt like throwing up, he sank to his knees rocking back and forth. This was a dream, it had to be a dream. He wanted to wake up, he wanted this to stop.
“You know I love you Jay,” it was Jensen again, “I won’t hurt you, not if I can help it.”
“You did!” Jared yelled.
“It was faith,” Adam said, smiling wrapping his arms comfortingly around Jared. “You were always meant to be my ending. I was only your beginning.”
Jared sniffled.
“Why can’t you love me?” Jensen asked pulling his arms away from Jared.
“Why won’t you be happy?” This time it was Adam .
It was weird seeing two men in one body, face contorting features from one man to the other. Jared wished they wouldn’t change all the time. Just be one person and talk to him.
“Then who do you want me to be?” This time it was both voices and the face kept contorting like it didn’t know who to be.
“I feel like I’m cheating on you Adam, that’s why I can’t be happy,” Jared answered so that he didn’t have to make a choice.
“I’m dead Jay, I don’t mind. You deserve to be happy.” Adam’s voice, the face still unrecognizable, “who do you want me to be?” Both voices said again this time, more urgent.
A name tag appeared on the guy's suit, love of my life, it said. Jared was shaking he wanted to wake up from this dream. He needed to wake up.
“Jensen! Jensen!”
In the back of his mind he saw Adam nodding in approval and then he woke up.
“I’m here, baby I’m here.” Jensen was holding him close, almost squeezing the air out of him.
“I love you, I love you so much,” Jared said and he knew he was crying. “Don’t leave me please don’t.”
“Love you too Jay, I won’t leave you I promise.”
LJ is being a bitch about posting! So this is going to have a epilogue it's already written and it's with my beta. I'm going to take some time o from reading till I have at least half my big bang story written.
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