An Honesty.
Alright, pen to paper time,
It’s been about three years, a work in progress, but I’ve managed to put on my sunglasses and walk away from the explosion of my past(without looking back). I feel like, now, it’s time that I was open and honest about the struggle that has almost led me to insanity - how I really came to stop being friends with certain people - and how I learned to, finally, walk away.
It would be about three years, now, and yet it feels like it’s been forever. Three years ago, I was naïve and soft and outspoken and annoying, to say the least, but mostly I was just naïve. At nineteen years old, you really don’t have a reason to be naïve… but I thought that everyone was capable of beautiful things and everyone had some fundamentally good fraction of their soul inside. I was young, I was a little shelter(give or take) and I hadn’t really had someone fuck me over in my life - I’d always been the one to fuck others over. What happened to me was a long time coming but that didn’t mean that it was alright; it taught me that I need to stop taking good people for granted and I need to stop allowing people that I know are bad into my life.
My best friend at the time, who’s name I’ve stopped saying because I say it for only three reasons: Revenge, Remorse and fear, became my karma. She played two characters in my life - herself and a love interest that I didn’t know beyond a computer screen. This is where she inflicted the karma. It started off with paranoia, I had always suspected her of being two people, but I never had the courage to ask. Instead, I sat quietly behind a computer and stewed in my cowardice and suspicions for the better part of a year. It wasn’t until that friend pretended to be a lesbian that I found my voice.
Disclaimer: I could have handled this much differently, but I don’t regret it. It is not a way to handle your problems, but it was the option I chose. I have learned from my mistakes.
My “best friend” had a girlfriend who was a destructive mess of a girl, the type of girl that will drink all of your beer and not even feel bad for it, the type of girl that drinks away all of the issues she should be learning from and doesn’t think the world understands her. My “best friend” deserved better as she, herself, was destructive enough - at that point, she had an enabler. So I took a page from her book and I told her what she had told me, when in an emotionally abusive relationship a few years before, “You deserve better and I’m going to tell you the truth. I don’t want to be friends if you’re going to put /her/ first when the rest of us are in her shadow. She’s damaged and you’re damaged and this relationship is wrong.”
What did that earn me? What I sort of deserved for not thinking about other people’s feelings: I lost a friendship that felt like it had been forever. When I look back, it seems I gained more from breaking off that friendship than I lost… but it would be a lie to say I wasn’t spiteful and I didn’t miss it a lot of the time. In fact, the spite turned to seeking revenge for a good year or so… which I regret to this day. It consumed me, the thought of someone who meant to much to me being so easily done with me - as if I had meant nothing to them in the first place. Maybe it’s not true, maybe I did mean something and she just pretended, but I began a war out of anger that wrecked that in its entirety.
I’d say I was sorry if I was, but this situation has taught me so much about identifying people, speaking up for myself(which I’m still learning, sadly) and cutting out bad relationships that it was beneficial? Can’t lie, though, I do still miss the good old days. The staying awake all night and going to the Flea Market, the going on random trips to random places and finding strange things, the long nights talking about absolutely nothing as if it were the most important thing in the world and feeling like I had someone to fill a big void in my life.
We grow up.
We stop filling voids.
We try not to hold on to resentment.
We fail.
We, eventually, move on.
So, that’s the honest truth. It’s as unspecific and black and white as I could possibly manage to make it, but it’s still the truth. Everyone fucks up but we can’t keep blaming everyone else for what we do wrong; we all need to step back and take in the third person perspective on things, because everyone has their part to play. When the party’s over we will stumble home, learn our lesson and wake up to another day - hopefully all the wiser, all the more aware and with more thought behind our actions. It takes one person to kill someone, it takes one person to start a war, one person to make a change and one person to do something that will be remembered, forever. Which person do we want to be?
I miss you. Glad you’re doing well. Hope that you’re learning to be a better person and that you’ll be more kind to others. Most of all, I wish you the best with life. Follow those dreams you had, and don’t let go. Keep up with your shenanigans.
-Me
It’s been about three years, a work in progress, but I’ve managed to put on my sunglasses and walk away from the explosion of my past(without looking back). I feel like, now, it’s time that I was open and honest about the struggle that has almost led me to insanity - how I really came to stop being friends with certain people - and how I learned to, finally, walk away.
It would be about three years, now, and yet it feels like it’s been forever. Three years ago, I was naïve and soft and outspoken and annoying, to say the least, but mostly I was just naïve. At nineteen years old, you really don’t have a reason to be naïve… but I thought that everyone was capable of beautiful things and everyone had some fundamentally good fraction of their soul inside. I was young, I was a little shelter(give or take) and I hadn’t really had someone fuck me over in my life - I’d always been the one to fuck others over. What happened to me was a long time coming but that didn’t mean that it was alright; it taught me that I need to stop taking good people for granted and I need to stop allowing people that I know are bad into my life.
My best friend at the time, who’s name I’ve stopped saying because I say it for only three reasons: Revenge, Remorse and fear, became my karma. She played two characters in my life - herself and a love interest that I didn’t know beyond a computer screen. This is where she inflicted the karma. It started off with paranoia, I had always suspected her of being two people, but I never had the courage to ask. Instead, I sat quietly behind a computer and stewed in my cowardice and suspicions for the better part of a year. It wasn’t until that friend pretended to be a lesbian that I found my voice.
Disclaimer: I could have handled this much differently, but I don’t regret it. It is not a way to handle your problems, but it was the option I chose. I have learned from my mistakes.
My “best friend” had a girlfriend who was a destructive mess of a girl, the type of girl that will drink all of your beer and not even feel bad for it, the type of girl that drinks away all of the issues she should be learning from and doesn’t think the world understands her. My “best friend” deserved better as she, herself, was destructive enough - at that point, she had an enabler. So I took a page from her book and I told her what she had told me, when in an emotionally abusive relationship a few years before, “You deserve better and I’m going to tell you the truth. I don’t want to be friends if you’re going to put /her/ first when the rest of us are in her shadow. She’s damaged and you’re damaged and this relationship is wrong.”
What did that earn me? What I sort of deserved for not thinking about other people’s feelings: I lost a friendship that felt like it had been forever. When I look back, it seems I gained more from breaking off that friendship than I lost… but it would be a lie to say I wasn’t spiteful and I didn’t miss it a lot of the time. In fact, the spite turned to seeking revenge for a good year or so… which I regret to this day. It consumed me, the thought of someone who meant to much to me being so easily done with me - as if I had meant nothing to them in the first place. Maybe it’s not true, maybe I did mean something and she just pretended, but I began a war out of anger that wrecked that in its entirety.
I’d say I was sorry if I was, but this situation has taught me so much about identifying people, speaking up for myself(which I’m still learning, sadly) and cutting out bad relationships that it was beneficial? Can’t lie, though, I do still miss the good old days. The staying awake all night and going to the Flea Market, the going on random trips to random places and finding strange things, the long nights talking about absolutely nothing as if it were the most important thing in the world and feeling like I had someone to fill a big void in my life.
We grow up.
We stop filling voids.
We try not to hold on to resentment.
We fail.
We, eventually, move on.
So, that’s the honest truth. It’s as unspecific and black and white as I could possibly manage to make it, but it’s still the truth. Everyone fucks up but we can’t keep blaming everyone else for what we do wrong; we all need to step back and take in the third person perspective on things, because everyone has their part to play. When the party’s over we will stumble home, learn our lesson and wake up to another day - hopefully all the wiser, all the more aware and with more thought behind our actions. It takes one person to kill someone, it takes one person to start a war, one person to make a change and one person to do something that will be remembered, forever. Which person do we want to be?
I miss you. Glad you’re doing well. Hope that you’re learning to be a better person and that you’ll be more kind to others. Most of all, I wish you the best with life. Follow those dreams you had, and don’t let go. Keep up with your shenanigans.
-Me