I Wanna Be Oblivious
I had a really strange nightmare this morning...although it was in great detail, which of course I can't remember now. All I know is that there were some little kids I was trying to save and there were these very large monsters that would appear when I would step on certain parts of this mansion/woods I was in...
Today has been an up and down day...actually more of an middle and down do, cause I haven't really been up. Lord knows why, but I've matched most of Real World San Diego today because there was a marathon. Part of me finds that kind of television repulsive and then the other part feels compelled to watch. I haven't exactly pinned down the cause of the mixed feelings, but I think it probably has to do with being jealous.
My grandfather is doing worse and my mom thinks that he is going to go literally any day now. We're expecting the funeral to be sometime this week...or next week at the latest.
I was sitting in the car today, because I took my mom to see her dad cause I didn't know if she'd be okay to drive herself. Anyway, I sat in the car and I thought about a lot of things. Well, even on the way there too...
Regret can be a bitch. There is a lot of things in my life I think about doing differently and wonder how things would have turned out...if I would have been happy. I'm not so sure I'm happy now. Although I also feel that I'm quite young to be so consumed with regret...
One huge thing I was thinking about was how I wish that I could be oblivious...just even for like one day. Not be acutely away of everyone's emotional state and feel the need to try and save everybody from pain and hurt and...life. It's really impossible though, I guess...
I don't know...I just wish that things could be different, I guess. It's a hard way to live that's all...so exhausting. I've tried to set emotional boundaries, but it ain't so much working.
I think that's why I write about music so much in my LJ because it's the one place where I can kind of pretend that everything's okay and that all I have to worry about in my day is when Lauryn Hill's coming back? or Gwen Stefani's gonna drop her solo album?
But it isn't...I know that.
Today has been an up and down day...actually more of an middle and down do, cause I haven't really been up. Lord knows why, but I've matched most of Real World San Diego today because there was a marathon. Part of me finds that kind of television repulsive and then the other part feels compelled to watch. I haven't exactly pinned down the cause of the mixed feelings, but I think it probably has to do with being jealous.
My grandfather is doing worse and my mom thinks that he is going to go literally any day now. We're expecting the funeral to be sometime this week...or next week at the latest.
I was sitting in the car today, because I took my mom to see her dad cause I didn't know if she'd be okay to drive herself. Anyway, I sat in the car and I thought about a lot of things. Well, even on the way there too...
Regret can be a bitch. There is a lot of things in my life I think about doing differently and wonder how things would have turned out...if I would have been happy. I'm not so sure I'm happy now. Although I also feel that I'm quite young to be so consumed with regret...
One huge thing I was thinking about was how I wish that I could be oblivious...just even for like one day. Not be acutely away of everyone's emotional state and feel the need to try and save everybody from pain and hurt and...life. It's really impossible though, I guess...
I don't know...I just wish that things could be different, I guess. It's a hard way to live that's all...so exhausting. I've tried to set emotional boundaries, but it ain't so much working.
I think that's why I write about music so much in my LJ because it's the one place where I can kind of pretend that everything's okay and that all I have to worry about in my day is when Lauryn Hill's coming back? or Gwen Stefani's gonna drop her solo album?
But it isn't...I know that.