The Crazy Cat Lady part 1
This is a long one, so bear with me.
So... Fullmetal Alchemist. It's a been a while since I've taken part in the fandom but this fanfic is proof of why there are so little women in the military.
Granted, I'm not the best fiction writer in the world. I'm an essayist at heart. But c'mon, even I could do better than this.
For some unexplained reason, this fic seems to be obsessed with cats. In FMA, cats are comedic relief but they're not meant to be the center of the entire fucking fic.
I chopped it in half because it was so painfully long. I'm willing to put up with pain for the lulz, but I don't love you guys THAT much.
Contains: Cat fetish, mary sue, awful writing
She ran as fast as she could not stopping to cast alchemy.
She didn’t have enough time.
Genki: Casting alchemy? Are you confused as to which series you are in?
She needed a long alleyway, one that goes all the way through.
Genki: And a fruit stand.
Even a Canal! She needed time. It started to rain. Her black boots splashed through the water. The cobblestone street became filled with puddles.
Genki: Puddles just appeared instantaneously as it rained?
She turned a sharp corner. She had enough time to cast alchemy.
Genki: Yeah? Well I cast MAGIC MISSILE.
Whoever was chasing her turned the corner and saw a scrungy rat with a bloody arm. They talked for a minute while the ran behind a garbage can.
Genki: Holy shit the author was too lazy to even identify who is chasing her!
Once they left the rat came breathed a heavy sigh and ran towards the street, but thought to stay within the alley.
Genki: The rat came? ... ewwww...
Many people came in and of them saw the rat.
They left it alone. Every time the rat gave a sigh of relief.
Genki: So are we in Fruits Basket or Fullmetal Alchemist? I'm so confused.
---------
"Geeze Al! I get it. We still need to find out more about these "Hermunculi"."
Genki: What the fuck is a "hermunculi?" Is that plural for hermaphrodite uncles?
The rat's ears perked up. It ran near the street for a better look.
Genki: Nope, this isn't a crossover.
"Right! Thats why we are headed for Central Library." Al said.
Genki: "Do I need to state the obvious to provide exposition?"
Thay walked past the rat. The rat ran behind a garbage can.
Genki: By the way, all of these breaks were made in the actual fic. I didn't break it up. It came pre-cut!
A few minutes later a cat appeared.
Genki: THIS TOTALLY IS FRUITS BASKET.
"Merow."
Genki: My cat sounds like that when he's hacking up a hairball.
It ran out of the alley and past the two compainions.
It stood infront of them.
Genki: NONE SHALL PASS.
"A cat?"
Genki: NAW REALLY?
Al saw it's shoulder.
Genki: What the hell, man, when you need an apostrophe it isn't there and when you don't need it it is!
"Its hurt Brother!"
Genki: See?
Al picked it up. It didn't Struggle. It just winced.
Genki: Struggle as in the boring combat tutorial in Kingdom Hearts 2?
"Can we keep it brother?"
Genki: Commas. They love you.
"No Al. Remember. You love animals to much."
Genki: No, now they're pissed and want their CSI boxed set back.
The companion tried to grab the cat away from Al.
Genki: "The companion" reads too awkwardly. Why not just "Edward tried to..."?
"But it needs help brother."
Genki: Watch, at the end all the commas are holding little pixelated pitchforks and torches.
Al tried to sound convincing.
Genki: Was the break really needed here?
"No Al!" Ed shouted.
Genki: Stop caring about shit!
"But big brother..."
Genki: I want to artificially extend the length of this fic!
The cat stared at the two "brothers". Which one is the "big brother"?
Genki: Okay, I'll hand it to the cat.
The Cat jumped out of Al's arms and ran toward The Milatary Base.
Genki: Why are so many words capitalized here?
"HEY! Get back here!"
Genki: WE ONLY TRIED TO GET RID OF YOU!
Ed went running after the cat. Not being able to catch it.
He ran out of breath.
Genki: But Ed didn't want to keep the cat!
"Get back here you Damn Cat! Gahh."
Genki: I don't care what you say; this is totally Fruits Basket.
The cat stood there taunting Al's compainion.
Genki: Again, "companion" is a shitty choice of word.
"Ed! Quit torturing her!"
Genki: Al never calls Edward by his name, it's always "brother."
Ed froze and the cat chuckled a bit.
Genki: He froze at the scent of OOC.
"Roy?"
Genki: Jesus fucking Christ, Roy's in here too? Is he in a cougar fursuit because if he is I'm going to be pissed.
The Cat tossed it's tail playfully.
Genki: Cat is not a proper noun.
"What? You don't recagnize her? Oh! Thats right! You never met her!"
Genki: She's from the episode we cut because Funimation decided it was too bad even for them!
Ed stared with a baffled look on his face."Her?"
Genki: Can it be...?
"Ya! He Never met me Roy. Ive been here longer."
Genki: Please learn what a proper noun is.
Ed turned around and stared at the cat blankly.
Genki: A justified response.
"wha?"
Genki: That's what I said when I read the summary!
Ed put his hand on his fore head. "Now I think I've gone crazy! Talking cats."
Genki: "Either I've gone crazy or I'm in some shitty wish-fulfillment fic. I think it's the latter."
"She really is talking." Roy said.
Genki: Let me provide some awkward character development.
"It takes alot to get through him don't it?" The cat pointed out.
Genki: What the hell is with fangirls dumbing down their objects of affection? So they can be the only ones with an IQ high enough to not choke on their drool?
The cat dissapeared but there was a Medium tall girl with blue-green eyes, a blue long-sleeved blue shirt, black jeans and boots stand right infront of him.
Genki: Where are they? Seriously, WHERE ARE THEY?
Her hair was golden brown. She had a smile on her face but she was looking up at the grey sky.
Genki: FORESHADOWING HO!
"It's gunna rain. It seems to have been raining all week."
Genki: Plot device or filler? YOU DECIDE.
A drop hit her nose. she wrinkeled it a bit.
Genki: Oh no! Something interrupted her Sue tendencies!
She started walkig away but decided it to be funner walking as a cat than a human. She morphed into a cat in a minute.
Genki: So they stood there for a minute to watch her slowly transform?
Then it started pouring.
Genki: More with the weekend cat weather!
"Great." She shook her fur and then started to run off.
Genki: She has to go reconsider her tactics.
"She's fast. Whats her name anyway?" Ed asked curiously.
Genki: Even though you just met her and have no real reason to give a shit.
"Her Names Calina."
Genki: Calina? That's a retarded name.
So... Fullmetal Alchemist. It's a been a while since I've taken part in the fandom but this fanfic is proof of why there are so little women in the military.
Granted, I'm not the best fiction writer in the world. I'm an essayist at heart. But c'mon, even I could do better than this.
For some unexplained reason, this fic seems to be obsessed with cats. In FMA, cats are comedic relief but they're not meant to be the center of the entire fucking fic.
I chopped it in half because it was so painfully long. I'm willing to put up with pain for the lulz, but I don't love you guys THAT much.
Contains: Cat fetish, mary sue, awful writing
She ran as fast as she could not stopping to cast alchemy.
She didn’t have enough time.
Genki: Casting alchemy? Are you confused as to which series you are in?
She needed a long alleyway, one that goes all the way through.
Genki: And a fruit stand.
Even a Canal! She needed time. It started to rain. Her black boots splashed through the water. The cobblestone street became filled with puddles.
Genki: Puddles just appeared instantaneously as it rained?
She turned a sharp corner. She had enough time to cast alchemy.
Genki: Yeah? Well I cast MAGIC MISSILE.
Whoever was chasing her turned the corner and saw a scrungy rat with a bloody arm. They talked for a minute while the ran behind a garbage can.
Genki: Holy shit the author was too lazy to even identify who is chasing her!
Once they left the rat came breathed a heavy sigh and ran towards the street, but thought to stay within the alley.
Genki: The rat came? ... ewwww...
Many people came in and of them saw the rat.
They left it alone. Every time the rat gave a sigh of relief.
Genki: So are we in Fruits Basket or Fullmetal Alchemist? I'm so confused.
---------
"Geeze Al! I get it. We still need to find out more about these "Hermunculi"."
Genki: What the fuck is a "hermunculi?" Is that plural for hermaphrodite uncles?
The rat's ears perked up. It ran near the street for a better look.
Genki: Nope, this isn't a crossover.
"Right! Thats why we are headed for Central Library." Al said.
Genki: "Do I need to state the obvious to provide exposition?"
Thay walked past the rat. The rat ran behind a garbage can.
Genki: By the way, all of these breaks were made in the actual fic. I didn't break it up. It came pre-cut!
A few minutes later a cat appeared.
Genki: THIS TOTALLY IS FRUITS BASKET.
"Merow."
Genki: My cat sounds like that when he's hacking up a hairball.
It ran out of the alley and past the two compainions.
It stood infront of them.
Genki: NONE SHALL PASS.
"A cat?"
Genki: NAW REALLY?
Al saw it's shoulder.
Genki: What the hell, man, when you need an apostrophe it isn't there and when you don't need it it is!
"Its hurt Brother!"
Genki: See?
Al picked it up. It didn't Struggle. It just winced.
Genki: Struggle as in the boring combat tutorial in Kingdom Hearts 2?
"Can we keep it brother?"
Genki: Commas. They love you.
"No Al. Remember. You love animals to much."
Genki: No, now they're pissed and want their CSI boxed set back.
The companion tried to grab the cat away from Al.
Genki: "The companion" reads too awkwardly. Why not just "Edward tried to..."?
"But it needs help brother."
Genki: Watch, at the end all the commas are holding little pixelated pitchforks and torches.
Al tried to sound convincing.
Genki: Was the break really needed here?
"No Al!" Ed shouted.
Genki: Stop caring about shit!
"But big brother..."
Genki: I want to artificially extend the length of this fic!
The cat stared at the two "brothers". Which one is the "big brother"?
Genki: Okay, I'll hand it to the cat.
The Cat jumped out of Al's arms and ran toward The Milatary Base.
Genki: Why are so many words capitalized here?
"HEY! Get back here!"
Genki: WE ONLY TRIED TO GET RID OF YOU!
Ed went running after the cat. Not being able to catch it.
He ran out of breath.
Genki: But Ed didn't want to keep the cat!
"Get back here you Damn Cat! Gahh."
Genki: I don't care what you say; this is totally Fruits Basket.
The cat stood there taunting Al's compainion.
Genki: Again, "companion" is a shitty choice of word.
"Ed! Quit torturing her!"
Genki: Al never calls Edward by his name, it's always "brother."
Ed froze and the cat chuckled a bit.
Genki: He froze at the scent of OOC.
"Roy?"
Genki: Jesus fucking Christ, Roy's in here too? Is he in a cougar fursuit because if he is I'm going to be pissed.
The Cat tossed it's tail playfully.
Genki: Cat is not a proper noun.
"What? You don't recagnize her? Oh! Thats right! You never met her!"
Genki: She's from the episode we cut because Funimation decided it was too bad even for them!
Ed stared with a baffled look on his face."Her?"
Genki: Can it be...?
"Ya! He Never met me Roy. Ive been here longer."
Genki: Please learn what a proper noun is.
Ed turned around and stared at the cat blankly.
Genki: A justified response.
"wha?"
Genki: That's what I said when I read the summary!
Ed put his hand on his fore head. "Now I think I've gone crazy! Talking cats."
Genki: "Either I've gone crazy or I'm in some shitty wish-fulfillment fic. I think it's the latter."
"She really is talking." Roy said.
Genki: Let me provide some awkward character development.
"It takes alot to get through him don't it?" The cat pointed out.
Genki: What the hell is with fangirls dumbing down their objects of affection? So they can be the only ones with an IQ high enough to not choke on their drool?
The cat dissapeared but there was a Medium tall girl with blue-green eyes, a blue long-sleeved blue shirt, black jeans and boots stand right infront of him.
Genki: Where are they? Seriously, WHERE ARE THEY?
Her hair was golden brown. She had a smile on her face but she was looking up at the grey sky.
Genki: FORESHADOWING HO!
"It's gunna rain. It seems to have been raining all week."
Genki: Plot device or filler? YOU DECIDE.
A drop hit her nose. she wrinkeled it a bit.
Genki: Oh no! Something interrupted her Sue tendencies!
She started walkig away but decided it to be funner walking as a cat than a human. She morphed into a cat in a minute.
Genki: So they stood there for a minute to watch her slowly transform?
Then it started pouring.
Genki: More with the weekend cat weather!
"Great." She shook her fur and then started to run off.
Genki: She has to go reconsider her tactics.
"She's fast. Whats her name anyway?" Ed asked curiously.
Genki: Even though you just met her and have no real reason to give a shit.
"Her Names Calina."
Genki: Calina? That's a retarded name.