Twilight For Morons Chapter 1
TWILIGHT FOR MORONS
Let me say while I was searching for chapter summaries to help me with this, one of the Google ads was for a Phoenix based divorce lawyer.
I'm Shiranui_Genkigami. Today, we will be cutting down the enormous novel Twilight by critically acclaimed fanfiction writer, Stephanie Meyer. Now, the entire novel can be summarized in one word, but the lulz wouldn't last as long.
I know it's been done for the movie by the amazing folks at the-editing-room.com, but I'm giving the book a shot just to quell the people who say WELL THE MOVIE SUCKED BUT THE BOOK IS AWESOME!!1!!
Suck it.
Chapter 1: Fuck if I remember what it's called.
BELLA
Hi! My name is Stephanie Meyer I MEAN Bella! I'm a hollow flat character so teenage girls can pretend to be me and get married underage and become a teenage mother! Because that's totally not a problem in America today.
(SPOILERZ LAWL)
BELLA
I have moved to a stupid little town in Washington because I'm so self-sacrificing for my mother, whom I belittle and bitch about at every opportunity that presents itself. My father on the other hand, I bitch about and belittle regardless of the situation. Because it doesn't have a Hollister, I am instantly repulsed by this small town.
SMEYER
What's a pretentious was of saying "light" for cloth? Permeable! There!
THESAURUS
I'M A PRISONER OF WAR.
BELLA
Cue complaining endlessly about shit nobody gives a damn about other than me.
(Bella goes to school, which, if it like how she had described it, is akin to Guantanamo Bay.)
BELLA
Nobody will ever like me at my new school!
EVERY FUCKING BOY
OMG MARRY ME.
BELLA
Holy shit! Attention!
MIKE
Hi. I'm the nice and reasonably attractive boy. I want to make sure you feel welcome and a part of the school community.
BELLA
DO NOT WANT BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT HOT.
(Bella continues to cockblock every boy in the school and blowing off every girl who wants to be her friend even when they are characterized as the best friends anyone could have.)
BELLA
BAWWWW. NOBODY WANTS TO BE MY FRIEND.
GENKI
Actually, you have three boys fawning over you and two girls who are willing to put up with your shit.
BELLA
... BAWWWWW.
CULLENS
(sit at their table emo-ing.)
BELLA
Hey look! The only hot people in the entire fucking state of Washington!
SOME REASONABLE HUMAN BEING
Oh, those are the Cullens. They always sit alone, they're really snobby and creepy in how they hang together, I would stay away from them.
BELLA
Clearly you are jealous of their beauty. Your opinion is hereby rejected.
SOME REASONABLE HUMAN BEING
:(
BELLA
Because there hasn't been enough, I will now be a melodramatic whorebag and call Forks "my personal hell on Earth" because obviously God took time out of his busy day to create a town to piss me off because I'm that fucking special.
EDWARD
(is beautiful)
BELLA
Wow, this guy I never have spoken to or seen prior to coming here is very attractive! We should date.
(END CHAPTER 1)
Let me say while I was searching for chapter summaries to help me with this, one of the Google ads was for a Phoenix based divorce lawyer.
I'm Shiranui_Genkigami. Today, we will be cutting down the enormous novel Twilight by critically acclaimed fanfiction writer, Stephanie Meyer. Now, the entire novel can be summarized in one word, but the lulz wouldn't last as long.
I know it's been done for the movie by the amazing folks at the-editing-room.com, but I'm giving the book a shot just to quell the people who say WELL THE MOVIE SUCKED BUT THE BOOK IS AWESOME!!1!!
Suck it.
Chapter 1: Fuck if I remember what it's called.
BELLA
Hi! My name is Stephanie Meyer I MEAN Bella! I'm a hollow flat character so teenage girls can pretend to be me and get married underage and become a teenage mother! Because that's totally not a problem in America today.
(SPOILERZ LAWL)
BELLA
I have moved to a stupid little town in Washington because I'm so self-sacrificing for my mother, whom I belittle and bitch about at every opportunity that presents itself. My father on the other hand, I bitch about and belittle regardless of the situation. Because it doesn't have a Hollister, I am instantly repulsed by this small town.
SMEYER
What's a pretentious was of saying "light" for cloth? Permeable! There!
THESAURUS
I'M A PRISONER OF WAR.
BELLA
Cue complaining endlessly about shit nobody gives a damn about other than me.
(Bella goes to school, which, if it like how she had described it, is akin to Guantanamo Bay.)
BELLA
Nobody will ever like me at my new school!
EVERY FUCKING BOY
OMG MARRY ME.
BELLA
Holy shit! Attention!
MIKE
Hi. I'm the nice and reasonably attractive boy. I want to make sure you feel welcome and a part of the school community.
BELLA
DO NOT WANT BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT HOT.
(Bella continues to cockblock every boy in the school and blowing off every girl who wants to be her friend even when they are characterized as the best friends anyone could have.)
BELLA
BAWWWW. NOBODY WANTS TO BE MY FRIEND.
GENKI
Actually, you have three boys fawning over you and two girls who are willing to put up with your shit.
BELLA
... BAWWWWW.
CULLENS
(sit at their table emo-ing.)
BELLA
Hey look! The only hot people in the entire fucking state of Washington!
SOME REASONABLE HUMAN BEING
Oh, those are the Cullens. They always sit alone, they're really snobby and creepy in how they hang together, I would stay away from them.
BELLA
Clearly you are jealous of their beauty. Your opinion is hereby rejected.
SOME REASONABLE HUMAN BEING
:(
BELLA
Because there hasn't been enough, I will now be a melodramatic whorebag and call Forks "my personal hell on Earth" because obviously God took time out of his busy day to create a town to piss me off because I'm that fucking special.
EDWARD
(is beautiful)
BELLA
Wow, this guy I never have spoken to or seen prior to coming here is very attractive! We should date.
(END CHAPTER 1)