The Forbiden Fruit Part 1: Like The Lion Eats An Antelope
FOR BEST READING EXPERIENCE, READ THIS IN MY JOURNAL THEME. THANK YOU!
FINALLY. I FIXED THE FUCKING CODING. TAKE THAT LJ HTML. YOU WERE NO MATCH FOR MY GEOCITIES LEVEL OF HTML KNOWLEDGE.
This fic is kind of a rite of passage in sporking circles. Well one of them. Even though this isn’t the worst of the alphabet soup Twilight fanfiction has to offer, it’s still pretty wretched. Also, ma- no, I’m not going to spoil it. It’s too beautiful.
I should also note there’s a bit of serendipity to this story. I saved the entire story on my computer during my study abroad. Internet time was limited, so I figured I’d have the story on hand to spork when I didn’t have internet.
And the story was purged from the internet merely months later.
When trying to find it again, it was nowhere on the internet. But it was in my Badfic folder. Score one for me!
AN hey guys this is the new improved verson of my story, hope its better this time!
Short of sending this crime against humanity to the recycle bin nothing can make it better.
btw i am young and have dyslexia i find spellin hard but its meant2 be unformal ok!
I’m pretty sure my dyslexic friends can spell better than you. Also, you can spell “dyslexia” properly but not “informal.” Right.
no critisism pls!
IT’S MY STYLE.
tis story goes out 2 my bf zac(kisses!) amd my besfreind Tiffi LOVE YA GRRRL! EDWARD IS OUR GODD!(we wanna SEX him gud!) x x x x x x x love &blood becky mac! xxx x x xx
Every time she says Becky Mac, I think of Bernie Mac. The feeling of having crippling debt and reading this fanfic is pretty comparable actually.
UPDATE: I have a proofreader and I have cleaned up the spelling and grammer on this chaptor a hell of a lot as you will see (thank u vickie!) i will be imrpoving the next chaptors soon.
Vickie is clearly the name of her dog as not much has changed from the original.
Chapter 1 - Altantiana
THE LOST CITY OF ATLANTA.
Hey, my names Atlantiana Rebekah Loren (but everyone calls me Tiana or just plain Tiaa).
Man I feel like I’ve seen this before. I’m also imagining this whole fic is about a gothic Princess Celestia. Let me have this.
I am a 16 year old girl and I live in Forks, Washington!
… I know what you’re thinking. I’m thinking it too.
My hair is long and pale like spun gold and skims to my waist like a pale shimmering amber mist.
Last I checked mist was not amber.
My eyes are deep forgetminot blue and my delicate fentures are lilly white and pure as the winter snow in moonlight.
Your descriptions should not sound like a Josh Groban song. Rule fucking one.
I've been told by loads of sleazy, ugly, HORNY guys that I'm real pretty and look like a model or a bunny girl
OH NO. NOT HORNY. HOW AWFUL.
(some of the guys who like me are really old and try to make opt with me its disgusting and weird!)
Oh Jesus not the “I’m so hot I get people to sexually assault me” trope. Hate that shit. I’d also like to point out that they make opt with her, not make out. So they can opt not to.
but basically a lot of the girls I meet tell a different story.
They hate you because you’re too perfect and they’re totes jealous, right? I wish this weren’t that fucking predictable.
They say I'm too ivory white and ethereal and too skinny and that I look anorexic which i don't care about, but I think its seriously disrespectful to people with REAL eating disorders
Basic human decency got thrown out the window when someone decided to craft this horror.
(btw i'm so totally not anorexic! I eat loads I just never gain weight and I'm not thin enough to be anorexic anyways,
So you’re skinny but not “my parents called Dr. Phil to stage an intervention” skinny. Okay and fuck you.
I think they were just being BIATCHES especially this one ratty brain called Ellie Mayfair who I hope freaking DIES in PAIN with SHIT ON HER FACE! Sorry, I'm not really such a batch but she is SO horrible if you met her you'd think the same!)
Why do I get the feeling Ellie Mayfair is incredibly likeable?
Anyways I am quite tall and slim and but with really big boobs that I used to HATE because they look noticeable on my slender body and draw to much attention but now i like them and don't care who stares at me!
Hooray for not caring. Not hooray for being a lamp post with watermelons attached. Seriously, that’s not hot. I like boobs to be in proportion with the rest of the body, not boobs large enough to snap spines like twigs.
I have a lip ring and recently put black and indigo and magenta streaks in my long pale blond hair.
How the fuck does she color coordinate? With CMYK? (A LITTLE GRAPHIC DESIGNER HUMOR FOR YOU.)
I smell like mint and cinnamon.
One or the other. Bother of them together she must smell like a dentist’s office.
I wear mostly black and hot pink, deep purple and neon blue
Again, superb color matching. (God I feel weird just finishing reading sporks where it’s spelled “colour.” Even my spellcheck says it’s wrong. Lolamericans.)
and listen to COOL music!
Inevitably it’s going to be Good Charlotte and My Chemical Romance. Oh wait, wrong fanfiction. I really really hope it’s not “gothic” music because goddamn.
It is my first day at school in forks as I just moved here to live with new foster parents Dave and Marie. They are nice and all very hole some sweet people but it is not like having a real family.
Finally, for once a fucking Mary Sue that was wasn’t gratuitously abused. I know, I know, it’s not much, but celebrate the small victories.
Actually, now that I think about it, it’s too Bella-ish. Fuck. Brain, why did you have to take that away from me?
I've been hurt to many times to let people close to me and I don't talk to them very much. My real mom died when I was born and I never knew my real dad. I sometimes wonder what he is like and if I will ever get to met him.
Is this foreshadowing or some lameass attempt at a backstory? I can’t tell.
Loads of people freaking stared at me as I walked down the hall. I was wearing tight black leather pants with silver chains at the waste and a red fishnet-like top and you could see my black lacy bra through it.
And this in no way, shape, or form violates the school dress code. Somehow. Someone, please call Stacy and Clinton and put this girl’s wardrobe out of its misery.
I ignored whispers and the big pink cheerleader imbosils pointing at me.
PREPS. FUCK. I’M SORRY. I’m so used to bad fanfiction being gothic. I’m like a Pavlov dog.
I was used to it and I paid no at-tension to the guys asking desperately for my number(like hell I'd even LOOK at the horny little donkeys!)
You know what would be awesome? If she had a belt with one of those “take a number” things at delis strapped to her. Apparently she needs one because she just walked into school and already she has to beat them off with a stick.
and told a ditsy blond cheerleader called Jessica to STFU(!) when she called me a freak! Next time she tries anything I'll hit her in the eye cause NO ONE messes with me nemore!
So punching someone in the eye is okay but swearing isn’t? Well fuck me, who knew! And I love the stock prep name, just thought I’d point that out.
My first day I was relay board, I sat gazing out of the window into the gray cloud-embittered sky for most of the morning
Would it bother you to know that I think this writing is marginally better than Meyer’s?
My teachers all looked at me disprovable but said nothing cause they probably new I was a foster kid and a Gothic and didn't want to upset me in case I cut them up as they slept,.
So apparently Tiaa is a member of an ancient Germanic tribe that raided Rome. That might make this fanfic redeemable but alas, it really is the Enoby grade of gothic.
My ears are pierced four times, I have a tattoo of a scorpion(like S my birth-sign!) on my ankle and a Gothic cross on my shoulder, and on my hand i have a weird birthmark in the shape of a seven-pointed star that I've had all my life.
None of this shit matters. What I REALLY want to know is more about what she’s wearing. Because that’s the most important part.
Your probably wandering why I'm bothering to tell you this,
Probably to inform us of your Mary Sue status. Educated guess.
well I tell you now I am no ordinary sixteen year old girl.
Who fuckin’ called it.
I have a secret, a dark and forbidden secret witch I am only just beginning to understand.
She’s a witch? Damnit, do I have my fandom wires crossed again? That reminds me, I need to finish all the Harry Potter books so I can fully understand the birthplace of the most abysmal fanfics to grace infect grace the internet.
When I sleep I hear whispers in another language and even though I understand them at the time, when I wake up i can't remember it!
Then how come you are able to inform us of this completely asinine addition to the story?
I also see weird faces in my dreams that fade to nothingness when I open my eyes and I swear out the corner of my eye my birthmark glows shocking bright gold and gets relay hot sometimes but when I look properly it is back to normal boarding scar-color!
If they start calling her “The Girl That Lived” I’m gonna break something. Sidenote, but hey Harry Potter fans, wasn’t there a really awful Sue fic with a “Girl Who Lived?” I know, not really specific, but I remember there being one really distinctly awful “Girl Who Lived” fic. LET ME KNOW ABOUT THIS. I MUST KNOW.
I am really gracefull like the running anti-lopes
when I run very fast and am stronger and faster than most people. I used to just think i was relay athletic but now I'm not so sure, I think there might be something else at work, something so much more mysterious and eeire. The truth hovers so softly on the brink of my memory sometimes but if only i could remember the weird things that clung to the edge of my mind as I slept!
She sleepdrinks Powerthirst. That’s my running theory.
At lunch I sat alone in the corner and scanned the cafeteria quietly with my eyes smoldering dark blue beheath my long black lashes and my slim thighs curled under me.
What, is she sitting at a low Japanese-style table? (Ironically like one I sporked this whole fic at derp.)
It was the n I noticed an unbelievably jaw-droopingly hawt HAWT HAAAAAAAAWT dude
My fangirl biases make me imagine she’s sitting in the cafeteria in Washington and N from Pokemon Black/White is there for no fuckin’ reason and he’s just as confused as the rest of us.
with tusseted blondey-brown hair, golden yellow eyes like wells of hot caramel and pale sexy features.
… when did Roxas start going to her school?
He was tall and mussel and looked like he was wearing eyeliner
Pffft guyliner.
and my body got hot and cold all at once as I looked at him.
“Kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko.” I feel like I’m going to be referencing My Immortal throughout this entire thing.
I'd never felt this way about anyone before and I'd totally never felt this weird feeling that I'd met someone before but I had no idea where and i knew it was impassible because I'd freaking remember someone THAT hawt!
You know what else is impassible? This fuckin’ sentence. Holy run-on sentence, Batman!
A girl sat next to him with long brown hair with her arms dripped over him like a freaking flesh-eating plant
FEED ME SEYMOUR.
so i thought well whatevah, hes taken.
When has that ever stopped a Mary Sue.
She wasn't nearly as hawt as he was, she wasn't ugly though. I figured I was maybe prettier then her.
There are people that can write stream of consciousness like a boss, like William “My mother is a fish” Faulkner. You are no Faulkner.
I never really saw myself as beautiful but i'd guessed from thinks others had said, plus this girl wasn't great looking but anyways I'd never try to pilch with another girls' BF cause thats just low.
Guess it’s nice to have a Sue with standards for once, But I don’t think this will last long.
So I got up to leave the hall thinking I'd go and smoke some bald drugs in the locker room while no one was there.
Bald drugs? What, is she lighting up Rogaine in the locker room?
As I waked over to he exit I couldn't help but notice the hawt pale guys musky eyes as they met mine.
Musky is not an adjective to use with eyes. It just makes me imagine his eyes smell bad.
I locked away hurriedly. I smocked dope in the locker room for a bit then I wondered to my next class.
So much for little miss pure and wholesome.
I bumped into someone in the corridor and my bocks fell everywhere! FRICK! FRICK! FRIIIICKK!
I read the last “frick” like “KHAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!”
"WTF!" I screamed loudly, "watch where your FREAKING going you asshole!" (i have anger problems)
Doesn’t every Sue?
"I'm so so sorry" he said in a voice like wet heaven "please forgive me my lady" It was the hawt pale guy!
Oh god, is this story’s Edward like a male version of those stupid Evony Online ads? Better not be. I thought I Adblocked all those motherfuckers.
Part 2 will arrive in due time.
FINALLY. I FIXED THE FUCKING CODING. TAKE THAT LJ HTML. YOU WERE NO MATCH FOR MY GEOCITIES LEVEL OF HTML KNOWLEDGE.
This fic is kind of a rite of passage in sporking circles. Well one of them. Even though this isn’t the worst of the alphabet soup Twilight fanfiction has to offer, it’s still pretty wretched. Also, ma- no, I’m not going to spoil it. It’s too beautiful.
I should also note there’s a bit of serendipity to this story. I saved the entire story on my computer during my study abroad. Internet time was limited, so I figured I’d have the story on hand to spork when I didn’t have internet.
And the story was purged from the internet merely months later.
When trying to find it again, it was nowhere on the internet. But it was in my Badfic folder. Score one for me!
AN hey guys this is the new improved verson of my story, hope its better this time!
Short of sending this crime against humanity to the recycle bin nothing can make it better.
btw i am young and have dyslexia i find spellin hard but its meant2 be unformal ok!
I’m pretty sure my dyslexic friends can spell better than you. Also, you can spell “dyslexia” properly but not “informal.” Right.
no critisism pls!
IT’S MY STYLE.
tis story goes out 2 my bf zac(kisses!) amd my besfreind Tiffi LOVE YA GRRRL! EDWARD IS OUR GODD!(we wanna SEX him gud!) x x x x x x x love &blood becky mac! xxx x x xx
Every time she says Becky Mac, I think of Bernie Mac. The feeling of having crippling debt and reading this fanfic is pretty comparable actually.
UPDATE: I have a proofreader and I have cleaned up the spelling and grammer on this chaptor a hell of a lot as you will see (thank u vickie!) i will be imrpoving the next chaptors soon.
Vickie is clearly the name of her dog as not much has changed from the original.
Chapter 1 - Altantiana
THE LOST CITY OF ATLANTA.
Hey, my names Atlantiana Rebekah Loren (but everyone calls me Tiana or just plain Tiaa).
Man I feel like I’ve seen this before. I’m also imagining this whole fic is about a gothic Princess Celestia. Let me have this.
I am a 16 year old girl and I live in Forks, Washington!
… I know what you’re thinking. I’m thinking it too.
My hair is long and pale like spun gold and skims to my waist like a pale shimmering amber mist.
Last I checked mist was not amber.
My eyes are deep forgetminot blue and my delicate fentures are lilly white and pure as the winter snow in moonlight.
Your descriptions should not sound like a Josh Groban song. Rule fucking one.
I've been told by loads of sleazy, ugly, HORNY guys that I'm real pretty and look like a model or a bunny girl
OH NO. NOT HORNY. HOW AWFUL.
(some of the guys who like me are really old and try to make opt with me its disgusting and weird!)
Oh Jesus not the “I’m so hot I get people to sexually assault me” trope. Hate that shit. I’d also like to point out that they make opt with her, not make out. So they can opt not to.
but basically a lot of the girls I meet tell a different story.
They hate you because you’re too perfect and they’re totes jealous, right? I wish this weren’t that fucking predictable.
They say I'm too ivory white and ethereal and too skinny and that I look anorexic which i don't care about, but I think its seriously disrespectful to people with REAL eating disorders
Basic human decency got thrown out the window when someone decided to craft this horror.
(btw i'm so totally not anorexic! I eat loads I just never gain weight and I'm not thin enough to be anorexic anyways,
So you’re skinny but not “my parents called Dr. Phil to stage an intervention” skinny. Okay and fuck you.
I think they were just being BIATCHES especially this one ratty brain called Ellie Mayfair who I hope freaking DIES in PAIN with SHIT ON HER FACE! Sorry, I'm not really such a batch but she is SO horrible if you met her you'd think the same!)
Why do I get the feeling Ellie Mayfair is incredibly likeable?
Anyways I am quite tall and slim and but with really big boobs that I used to HATE because they look noticeable on my slender body and draw to much attention but now i like them and don't care who stares at me!
Hooray for not caring. Not hooray for being a lamp post with watermelons attached. Seriously, that’s not hot. I like boobs to be in proportion with the rest of the body, not boobs large enough to snap spines like twigs.
I have a lip ring and recently put black and indigo and magenta streaks in my long pale blond hair.
How the fuck does she color coordinate? With CMYK? (A LITTLE GRAPHIC DESIGNER HUMOR FOR YOU.)
I smell like mint and cinnamon.
One or the other. Bother of them together she must smell like a dentist’s office.
I wear mostly black and hot pink, deep purple and neon blue
Again, superb color matching. (God I feel weird just finishing reading sporks where it’s spelled “colour.” Even my spellcheck says it’s wrong. Lolamericans.)
and listen to COOL music!
Inevitably it’s going to be Good Charlotte and My Chemical Romance. Oh wait, wrong fanfiction. I really really hope it’s not “gothic” music because goddamn.
It is my first day at school in forks as I just moved here to live with new foster parents Dave and Marie. They are nice and all very hole some sweet people but it is not like having a real family.
Finally, for once a fucking Mary Sue that was wasn’t gratuitously abused. I know, I know, it’s not much, but celebrate the small victories.
Actually, now that I think about it, it’s too Bella-ish. Fuck. Brain, why did you have to take that away from me?
I've been hurt to many times to let people close to me and I don't talk to them very much. My real mom died when I was born and I never knew my real dad. I sometimes wonder what he is like and if I will ever get to met him.
Is this foreshadowing or some lameass attempt at a backstory? I can’t tell.
Loads of people freaking stared at me as I walked down the hall. I was wearing tight black leather pants with silver chains at the waste and a red fishnet-like top and you could see my black lacy bra through it.
And this in no way, shape, or form violates the school dress code. Somehow. Someone, please call Stacy and Clinton and put this girl’s wardrobe out of its misery.
I ignored whispers and the big pink cheerleader imbosils pointing at me.
PREPS. FUCK. I’M SORRY. I’m so used to bad fanfiction being gothic. I’m like a Pavlov dog.
I was used to it and I paid no at-tension to the guys asking desperately for my number(like hell I'd even LOOK at the horny little donkeys!)
You know what would be awesome? If she had a belt with one of those “take a number” things at delis strapped to her. Apparently she needs one because she just walked into school and already she has to beat them off with a stick.
and told a ditsy blond cheerleader called Jessica to STFU(!) when she called me a freak! Next time she tries anything I'll hit her in the eye cause NO ONE messes with me nemore!
So punching someone in the eye is okay but swearing isn’t? Well fuck me, who knew! And I love the stock prep name, just thought I’d point that out.
My first day I was relay board, I sat gazing out of the window into the gray cloud-embittered sky for most of the morning
Would it bother you to know that I think this writing is marginally better than Meyer’s?
My teachers all looked at me disprovable but said nothing cause they probably new I was a foster kid and a Gothic and didn't want to upset me in case I cut them up as they slept,.
So apparently Tiaa is a member of an ancient Germanic tribe that raided Rome. That might make this fanfic redeemable but alas, it really is the Enoby grade of gothic.
My ears are pierced four times, I have a tattoo of a scorpion(like S my birth-sign!) on my ankle and a Gothic cross on my shoulder, and on my hand i have a weird birthmark in the shape of a seven-pointed star that I've had all my life.
None of this shit matters. What I REALLY want to know is more about what she’s wearing. Because that’s the most important part.
Your probably wandering why I'm bothering to tell you this,
Probably to inform us of your Mary Sue status. Educated guess.
well I tell you now I am no ordinary sixteen year old girl.
Who fuckin’ called it.
I have a secret, a dark and forbidden secret witch I am only just beginning to understand.
She’s a witch? Damnit, do I have my fandom wires crossed again? That reminds me, I need to finish all the Harry Potter books so I can fully understand the birthplace of the most abysmal fanfics to grace infect grace the internet.
When I sleep I hear whispers in another language and even though I understand them at the time, when I wake up i can't remember it!
Then how come you are able to inform us of this completely asinine addition to the story?
I also see weird faces in my dreams that fade to nothingness when I open my eyes and I swear out the corner of my eye my birthmark glows shocking bright gold and gets relay hot sometimes but when I look properly it is back to normal boarding scar-color!
If they start calling her “The Girl That Lived” I’m gonna break something. Sidenote, but hey Harry Potter fans, wasn’t there a really awful Sue fic with a “Girl Who Lived?” I know, not really specific, but I remember there being one really distinctly awful “Girl Who Lived” fic. LET ME KNOW ABOUT THIS. I MUST KNOW.
I am really gracefull like the running anti-lopes
Click to viewwhen I run very fast and am stronger and faster than most people. I used to just think i was relay athletic but now I'm not so sure, I think there might be something else at work, something so much more mysterious and eeire. The truth hovers so softly on the brink of my memory sometimes but if only i could remember the weird things that clung to the edge of my mind as I slept!
She sleepdrinks Powerthirst. That’s my running theory.
At lunch I sat alone in the corner and scanned the cafeteria quietly with my eyes smoldering dark blue beheath my long black lashes and my slim thighs curled under me.
What, is she sitting at a low Japanese-style table? (Ironically like one I sporked this whole fic at derp.)
It was the n I noticed an unbelievably jaw-droopingly hawt HAWT HAAAAAAAAWT dude
My fangirl biases make me imagine she’s sitting in the cafeteria in Washington and N from Pokemon Black/White is there for no fuckin’ reason and he’s just as confused as the rest of us.
with tusseted blondey-brown hair, golden yellow eyes like wells of hot caramel and pale sexy features.
… when did Roxas start going to her school?
He was tall and mussel and looked like he was wearing eyeliner
Pffft guyliner.
and my body got hot and cold all at once as I looked at him.
“Kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko.” I feel like I’m going to be referencing My Immortal throughout this entire thing.
I'd never felt this way about anyone before and I'd totally never felt this weird feeling that I'd met someone before but I had no idea where and i knew it was impassible because I'd freaking remember someone THAT hawt!
You know what else is impassible? This fuckin’ sentence. Holy run-on sentence, Batman!
A girl sat next to him with long brown hair with her arms dripped over him like a freaking flesh-eating plant
FEED ME SEYMOUR.
so i thought well whatevah, hes taken.
When has that ever stopped a Mary Sue.
She wasn't nearly as hawt as he was, she wasn't ugly though. I figured I was maybe prettier then her.
There are people that can write stream of consciousness like a boss, like William “My mother is a fish” Faulkner. You are no Faulkner.
I never really saw myself as beautiful but i'd guessed from thinks others had said, plus this girl wasn't great looking but anyways I'd never try to pilch with another girls' BF cause thats just low.
Guess it’s nice to have a Sue with standards for once, But I don’t think this will last long.
So I got up to leave the hall thinking I'd go and smoke some bald drugs in the locker room while no one was there.
Bald drugs? What, is she lighting up Rogaine in the locker room?
As I waked over to he exit I couldn't help but notice the hawt pale guys musky eyes as they met mine.
Musky is not an adjective to use with eyes. It just makes me imagine his eyes smell bad.
I locked away hurriedly. I smocked dope in the locker room for a bit then I wondered to my next class.
So much for little miss pure and wholesome.
I bumped into someone in the corridor and my bocks fell everywhere! FRICK! FRICK! FRIIIICKK!
I read the last “frick” like “KHAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!”
"WTF!" I screamed loudly, "watch where your FREAKING going you asshole!" (i have anger problems)
Doesn’t every Sue?
"I'm so so sorry" he said in a voice like wet heaven "please forgive me my lady" It was the hawt pale guy!
Oh god, is this story’s Edward like a male version of those stupid Evony Online ads? Better not be. I thought I Adblocked all those motherfuckers.
Part 2 will arrive in due time.