Ace Attorney Investigations: Case 1 Review Part 1
You know, punkrock_garyuu is one cool bitch. You know why? She makes sure there's enough funny in my writing. So bagel bite to you for being awesome.
You know what airplane rides are great for? No, not strengthening your contempt for the human race and damning that screaming child with the mother who makes no attempts to shut their larva up. They're great for writing. Thus, why I'm rolling out the first of 5 parts of snarking the hell out of the cases in Ace Attorney Investigations.
I'm not even done with this game (I'm in the middle of Case 5 as I write) and already I'm jumping the gun and writing up a... synopsis/review/snark of the first case instead of waiting and beating the game so I can replay the first case and take down notes as I go like someone with an IQ above that of a lobotomized banana slug.
I think it goes without saying that this contains spoilers.
I could sum up this case as "tutorial stage" and spend the rest of the flight I'm on frantically pushing the channel button trying to find something to watch, but I'm going to put on my big kid reviewing pants and try to write something with substance.
Just in case you skipped that pesky "reading the box to find out what game you're buying" stage, you're playing as Miles Edgeworth, your rival from the first Phoenix Wright game who keeps popping up and, for all his mocking of others for having extraordinary bad luck, he seems to have a good share of "wrong place wrong time" scenarios. Now that I think about it, "wrong place wrong time" seems to pretty much sum up the series as a whole.
Except Matt Engarde. You backed yourself into that one, dude.
But getting back to the topic at hand, Edgeworth returns from a long-ass flight understandably exhausted, because not even men with the most questionable fashion sense ever are immune to the energy-sapping attributes of cramped sardine cans with wings.
Instead of Edgeworth's initial plan of breaking out the whiskey and passing out on his couch, he finds out that a murder has taken place in his office! OH NOES. WHO KNEW THIS TRAGEDY WOULD HAPPEN.
How about the guy standing behind you with the gun? Yeah, I'm pretty sure he knows what shit went down. He takes a shot at a particularly menacing wall and not the only fucking witness to his crime and splits. Clearly logic has no place here.
The cavalry arrives to deal with the dead body. Along with the heat comes your bitch assistant no, I think bitch sums it up wait, what about "suboordinate?" no, Case 5 made me hate that word your bitch, Detective Dick Gumshoe, who is pretty familiar to any seasoned Ace Attorney fan as he has made it his mission in life to spread failure like a horny jock with a persistent case of herpes. You have a little chit-chat in which Gumshoe reveals that he is even more whipped than you thought. [/unintentional foreshadowing] And for a slight second, you feel sorry for him.
Oh nevermind, you don't have time since some douchebag with hair fruitier than a Sunday brunch salad bar has shown up. Yippee-ki-yay. You know the odder the hair, the more likely they are to kill someone. It's true! Let's look at all the suspects and past murderers...
- Kristoph Gavin the magical bicorn
- Morgan Faye, who has Dodger Stadium on her head
- Matt Engarde, because I enjoy kicking you while you're down
- Daryan Crescend, if I need to explain you're an idiot
- And many more!
See? Pure fact. This thylacine tells no lies.
Since this is the first case, they tell you right off the bat this asshole, whose name is Jaques Portsman (clearly the Ace Attorney team has not lost their bromance with horrible name puns) is the guilty one. And probaly the guy who jammed a gun in your back and shot the wall.
I'm sorry, I can't get over this, WHY NOT SHOOT THE WITNESS. I know that would make for a shorter game and Bitchy probably hasn't chosen death at this point so Jacques wouldn't be doing him any favors, BUT STILL. WHAT THE FUCK. Logic dictates when you murder someone and there is a witness, you cap the witness too! AUGH. I'm totally going to be hung up on this, I know it!
WILL GENKI EVER GET OVER THE FACT JACQUES DID NOT DO DAMAGE CONTROL? WILL THE WALL MAKE IT OUT OF SURGERY? WILL GENKI EVER FINISH THIS DAMN REVIEW? FIND OUT NEXT TIME!
You know what airplane rides are great for? No, not strengthening your contempt for the human race and damning that screaming child with the mother who makes no attempts to shut their larva up. They're great for writing. Thus, why I'm rolling out the first of 5 parts of snarking the hell out of the cases in Ace Attorney Investigations.
I'm not even done with this game (I'm in the middle of Case 5 as I write) and already I'm jumping the gun and writing up a... synopsis/review/snark of the first case instead of waiting and beating the game so I can replay the first case and take down notes as I go like someone with an IQ above that of a lobotomized banana slug.
I think it goes without saying that this contains spoilers.
I could sum up this case as "tutorial stage" and spend the rest of the flight I'm on frantically pushing the channel button trying to find something to watch, but I'm going to put on my big kid reviewing pants and try to write something with substance.
Just in case you skipped that pesky "reading the box to find out what game you're buying" stage, you're playing as Miles Edgeworth, your rival from the first Phoenix Wright game who keeps popping up and, for all his mocking of others for having extraordinary bad luck, he seems to have a good share of "wrong place wrong time" scenarios. Now that I think about it, "wrong place wrong time" seems to pretty much sum up the series as a whole.
Except Matt Engarde. You backed yourself into that one, dude.
But getting back to the topic at hand, Edgeworth returns from a long-ass flight understandably exhausted, because not even men with the most questionable fashion sense ever are immune to the energy-sapping attributes of cramped sardine cans with wings.
Instead of Edgeworth's initial plan of breaking out the whiskey and passing out on his couch, he finds out that a murder has taken place in his office! OH NOES. WHO KNEW THIS TRAGEDY WOULD HAPPEN.
How about the guy standing behind you with the gun? Yeah, I'm pretty sure he knows what shit went down. He takes a shot at a particularly menacing wall and not the only fucking witness to his crime and splits. Clearly logic has no place here.
The cavalry arrives to deal with the dead body. Along with the heat comes your bitch assistant no, I think bitch sums it up wait, what about "suboordinate?" no, Case 5 made me hate that word your bitch, Detective Dick Gumshoe, who is pretty familiar to any seasoned Ace Attorney fan as he has made it his mission in life to spread failure like a horny jock with a persistent case of herpes. You have a little chit-chat in which Gumshoe reveals that he is even more whipped than you thought. [/unintentional foreshadowing] And for a slight second, you feel sorry for him.
Oh nevermind, you don't have time since some douchebag with hair fruitier than a Sunday brunch salad bar has shown up. Yippee-ki-yay. You know the odder the hair, the more likely they are to kill someone. It's true! Let's look at all the suspects and past murderers...
- Kristoph Gavin the magical bicorn
- Morgan Faye, who has Dodger Stadium on her head
- Matt Engarde, because I enjoy kicking you while you're down
- Daryan Crescend, if I need to explain you're an idiot
- And many more!
See? Pure fact. This thylacine tells no lies.
Since this is the first case, they tell you right off the bat this asshole, whose name is Jaques Portsman (clearly the Ace Attorney team has not lost their bromance with horrible name puns) is the guilty one. And probaly the guy who jammed a gun in your back and shot the wall.
I'm sorry, I can't get over this, WHY NOT SHOOT THE WITNESS. I know that would make for a shorter game and Bitchy probably hasn't chosen death at this point so Jacques wouldn't be doing him any favors, BUT STILL. WHAT THE FUCK. Logic dictates when you murder someone and there is a witness, you cap the witness too! AUGH. I'm totally going to be hung up on this, I know it!
WILL GENKI EVER GET OVER THE FACT JACQUES DID NOT DO DAMAGE CONTROL? WILL THE WALL MAKE IT OUT OF SURGERY? WILL GENKI EVER FINISH THIS DAMN REVIEW? FIND OUT NEXT TIME!