(no subject)
so just when you think it's time to relax.. it's time to worry again..
my family is upset with me because i hadn't checked my voicemail in three days (five according to my mom... but she can't count..) there's been a lot going on and i know if i had talked to them i would've let it all out- and i don't want to, not yet.. i want to have a well thought through plan before i talk to them about it.. this weekend i just didn't really want to talk to anyone.. and i know that that's not healthy and avoiding situations won't make them go away... but i just couldn't do it.. honestly i had 16 voicemails until late last night when i decided to finally listen to them all.... five from my family... which i didn't know there were that many because my phone sucks and didn't tell me that i missed that many calls from them... anyway so my mom calls again this morning and i answer and i'm like "hi i'm really sorry for not calling this weekend but i've been really busy i didn't even check the voicemails so i didn't know to call.. so i'm sorry but i don't have time to talk now because i have to go to class but we will talk today" and she goes "WELL it's nice to know you're ALIVE and that you CARE... i could've been DEAD in a DITCH and you wouldn't have known.. i'm sure you called back all of your FRIENDS right away.." and so on and i'm like "no, mom, actually i didn't call them back or listen to their messages. i didn't talk to anyone this weekend. if you want i can give your their phone numbers so you can call and ask them if i called them back or answered their calls, okay? and you're NOT dead in a ditch i think i would've known that.. i will call you after class. bye.".........now honestly i know i'm 19 and i act like a teenager, but hi, i am a teenager... my mother is 60 years old there is no need for her to be acting like a child. i like how she isn't concerned of why i don't want to talk to her or why i didn't answer my phone, just that i obviously must be doing something wrong and must be a bad daughter.... and my sisters wonder why i have such a problem communicating with her......
so anyway, the weekend..
friday afternoon i found out that i will be losing my scholarship to go here.. i can't make the grade in one of my classes and even though i've done nothing but prepare for it, i can't do better.. right now i receive around $10,000 a year as a scholarship to go here.. and after this semester it will be revoked for not maintaining a high enough grade point average.. because of one class... well, i have to figure out a plan now.. i know my family can't afford for me to go here without a scholarship and i know they're completely against me getting out more loans and won't co-sign for them.. which means i'd have to move home to pittsburgh and get a full time job until i can afford to go back to school on my own and pay for classes at pitt.... which wouldn't be so bad i guess cause i know i can maintain the ties i have here alright... it would be harder than anything to leave my sisters but i know that no matter where i go i will have them and their love... the only part i don't think i could actually handle is living back at home again... it will hinder me even more... i know it will... especially with two of my brothers still living there... and with the comments, pressure, belittling, disappointment, and "i told you so's"..... i know that what they did to james is coming to me next.... i will be the next family member who screwed up their life... and they were waiting for this.... i know they were... i've heard them talk about it, sometimes they talked about it to me... that it's inevitable, i will screw up... that i can't do this.... and i promised them and more over myself that i will do this and i will do this right.......... and now, for the first time in my life, i've broken a promise......
i didn't tell him that i might not be around erie much longer.. i didn't think he'd take me seriously.. and i wasn't sure how he'd react.. especially because i didn't know where we stood... i had an amazing night with him on saturday.. it was the escape i so desperately wanted.. he treats me like royalty- something i've never had before.. not from anyone really.. and he respects me.. something i never thought about before, but i realized last night.. i know that if anything were to happen to me or if someone were to hurt me, he'd be there in a moment to take care of it.. anway, so after this perfect night, i decide the next morning that i need to screw it up..... not that i was wanting to, there was just something i knew i had to do, even though i knew that it wasn't going to be a good outcome.... i somehow mustered up the courage to ask him where we stood... and i got this look like oh no i knew this was coming..... and so i continued to say that i have people asking me what's going on between us and i don't know how to answer them.. that his brothers are asking me about us and i'm not sure what to say, because i don't know.... so he said that they did the same thing to someone else last year and they were teasing him and her and i guess being asses... and i told him that they weren't being rude about it, because they're not, i think that they were just genuinly curious.... so basically, we got off the topic and he never answered me............. which is pretty much the answer...
then-
i stayed in the apt last night... i had some stuff to take care of and people wanted notes for things... and i hadn't seen juliet in a long time and i wanted to see her... so i slept in my bed for the first time since break.. and i had one of the worst nightmares of my life... i mean i've had dreams where i've been chased by someone with bad intentions.. where i've been raped.. where i've been murdered... but this one... it's just different.. i had a dream that i was pregnant but i didn't know it... i didn't know it until i had a miscarriage... now, i don't actually know what a miscarriage feels like... but i'm telling you in this dream it hurt... there was lots of blood... and lots of pain... and somehow in the dream i just knew what had happened... and then (in the dream) i layed on the floor of a bathroom clutching onto a rug crying until i woke up this morning..
my family is upset with me because i hadn't checked my voicemail in three days (five according to my mom... but she can't count..) there's been a lot going on and i know if i had talked to them i would've let it all out- and i don't want to, not yet.. i want to have a well thought through plan before i talk to them about it.. this weekend i just didn't really want to talk to anyone.. and i know that that's not healthy and avoiding situations won't make them go away... but i just couldn't do it.. honestly i had 16 voicemails until late last night when i decided to finally listen to them all.... five from my family... which i didn't know there were that many because my phone sucks and didn't tell me that i missed that many calls from them... anyway so my mom calls again this morning and i answer and i'm like "hi i'm really sorry for not calling this weekend but i've been really busy i didn't even check the voicemails so i didn't know to call.. so i'm sorry but i don't have time to talk now because i have to go to class but we will talk today" and she goes "WELL it's nice to know you're ALIVE and that you CARE... i could've been DEAD in a DITCH and you wouldn't have known.. i'm sure you called back all of your FRIENDS right away.." and so on and i'm like "no, mom, actually i didn't call them back or listen to their messages. i didn't talk to anyone this weekend. if you want i can give your their phone numbers so you can call and ask them if i called them back or answered their calls, okay? and you're NOT dead in a ditch i think i would've known that.. i will call you after class. bye.".........now honestly i know i'm 19 and i act like a teenager, but hi, i am a teenager... my mother is 60 years old there is no need for her to be acting like a child. i like how she isn't concerned of why i don't want to talk to her or why i didn't answer my phone, just that i obviously must be doing something wrong and must be a bad daughter.... and my sisters wonder why i have such a problem communicating with her......
so anyway, the weekend..
friday afternoon i found out that i will be losing my scholarship to go here.. i can't make the grade in one of my classes and even though i've done nothing but prepare for it, i can't do better.. right now i receive around $10,000 a year as a scholarship to go here.. and after this semester it will be revoked for not maintaining a high enough grade point average.. because of one class... well, i have to figure out a plan now.. i know my family can't afford for me to go here without a scholarship and i know they're completely against me getting out more loans and won't co-sign for them.. which means i'd have to move home to pittsburgh and get a full time job until i can afford to go back to school on my own and pay for classes at pitt.... which wouldn't be so bad i guess cause i know i can maintain the ties i have here alright... it would be harder than anything to leave my sisters but i know that no matter where i go i will have them and their love... the only part i don't think i could actually handle is living back at home again... it will hinder me even more... i know it will... especially with two of my brothers still living there... and with the comments, pressure, belittling, disappointment, and "i told you so's"..... i know that what they did to james is coming to me next.... i will be the next family member who screwed up their life... and they were waiting for this.... i know they were... i've heard them talk about it, sometimes they talked about it to me... that it's inevitable, i will screw up... that i can't do this.... and i promised them and more over myself that i will do this and i will do this right.......... and now, for the first time in my life, i've broken a promise......
i didn't tell him that i might not be around erie much longer.. i didn't think he'd take me seriously.. and i wasn't sure how he'd react.. especially because i didn't know where we stood... i had an amazing night with him on saturday.. it was the escape i so desperately wanted.. he treats me like royalty- something i've never had before.. not from anyone really.. and he respects me.. something i never thought about before, but i realized last night.. i know that if anything were to happen to me or if someone were to hurt me, he'd be there in a moment to take care of it.. anway, so after this perfect night, i decide the next morning that i need to screw it up..... not that i was wanting to, there was just something i knew i had to do, even though i knew that it wasn't going to be a good outcome.... i somehow mustered up the courage to ask him where we stood... and i got this look like oh no i knew this was coming..... and so i continued to say that i have people asking me what's going on between us and i don't know how to answer them.. that his brothers are asking me about us and i'm not sure what to say, because i don't know.... so he said that they did the same thing to someone else last year and they were teasing him and her and i guess being asses... and i told him that they weren't being rude about it, because they're not, i think that they were just genuinly curious.... so basically, we got off the topic and he never answered me............. which is pretty much the answer...
then-
i stayed in the apt last night... i had some stuff to take care of and people wanted notes for things... and i hadn't seen juliet in a long time and i wanted to see her... so i slept in my bed for the first time since break.. and i had one of the worst nightmares of my life... i mean i've had dreams where i've been chased by someone with bad intentions.. where i've been raped.. where i've been murdered... but this one... it's just different.. i had a dream that i was pregnant but i didn't know it... i didn't know it until i had a miscarriage... now, i don't actually know what a miscarriage feels like... but i'm telling you in this dream it hurt... there was lots of blood... and lots of pain... and somehow in the dream i just knew what had happened... and then (in the dream) i layed on the floor of a bathroom clutching onto a rug crying until i woke up this morning..