(no subject)
i don't know how much longer i can keep this up going like this.. just everything i do seems to take me further from my dreams and my future.. all i want is to be a good sister and a good OT.. those are my dreams.. not marry a rich person.. not live in a big house.. not have anything handed to me.. and more and more it just seems like the future i dream and work so hard for is just an impossibility waiting to happen.. i was offended when my advisor said "well, did you ever consider not being an OT?" but now that my friends are bringing up the topic, i not only feel hurt, but scared. no, i never imagined being anything else. not since i realized i couldn't dance for the rest of my life..
i can't live here much longer either.. how many more days til july 1st..? things keep missing.. i think i've put around $400 into replacing items that have gone "missing" from my apartment.. a cell phone.. my ast badge.. food.. laundry cleaning items.. among so many other things.. with everything that's going on right now it's impossible to take.. i sit here, like now, while others are here.. it's not that i don't want to do anything.. i want to talk to people here.. i want to do something.. i even want to do work.. actually i'm sitting here wanting to do housing bills so bad it hurts but for some reason i can't and i don't know why.. i'm so frustrated and exhausted from life i don't feel like i can do anything... it's even hard to write this.. and i go to my classes and i'm so nervous it's upsetting.. meanwhile, all this time i think that i'm just fine, just a little stressed, but experiencing normal situations.. all this time i think i'm fine until yesterday and i realized how much i really need to talk to someone.. when i go to take a test and i know it all and i fail there's something wrong.. when i sit at home and worry about seventeen things at once while tearing apart my lips and ending in crying-- something is wrong.. but i've always been like this so how was i supposed to know..? i don't know any better and i don't know any different...
today after my sacred scripts exam i went to gannon's counseling services and asked for a lady.. they told me she was booked until wednesday.. i almost cried right there.. don't they understand how hard it is first of all to ask for help, second of all to go somewhere in the complete open where everyone can see me, and third to be told i can't be helped for another week..? thank god i'm not suicidal..! they'd be like oh i'm sorry schedule a breakdown for next week thanks.. so i calmed myself down and went home for a while.. then i went to lab and took my quiz.. i answered 19/20.. thinking i got an A.. at the very least a B.... nope, not me, somehow i manage to write all of the correct answers down and still get them wrong.. i got a C.. i couldn't take it- i bursted into tears and ran out of my class while it had nearly two hours left of it..
how much more of this do i have to take before someone can help me fix me..?
i can't live here much longer either.. how many more days til july 1st..? things keep missing.. i think i've put around $400 into replacing items that have gone "missing" from my apartment.. a cell phone.. my ast badge.. food.. laundry cleaning items.. among so many other things.. with everything that's going on right now it's impossible to take.. i sit here, like now, while others are here.. it's not that i don't want to do anything.. i want to talk to people here.. i want to do something.. i even want to do work.. actually i'm sitting here wanting to do housing bills so bad it hurts but for some reason i can't and i don't know why.. i'm so frustrated and exhausted from life i don't feel like i can do anything... it's even hard to write this.. and i go to my classes and i'm so nervous it's upsetting.. meanwhile, all this time i think that i'm just fine, just a little stressed, but experiencing normal situations.. all this time i think i'm fine until yesterday and i realized how much i really need to talk to someone.. when i go to take a test and i know it all and i fail there's something wrong.. when i sit at home and worry about seventeen things at once while tearing apart my lips and ending in crying-- something is wrong.. but i've always been like this so how was i supposed to know..? i don't know any better and i don't know any different...
today after my sacred scripts exam i went to gannon's counseling services and asked for a lady.. they told me she was booked until wednesday.. i almost cried right there.. don't they understand how hard it is first of all to ask for help, second of all to go somewhere in the complete open where everyone can see me, and third to be told i can't be helped for another week..? thank god i'm not suicidal..! they'd be like oh i'm sorry schedule a breakdown for next week thanks.. so i calmed myself down and went home for a while.. then i went to lab and took my quiz.. i answered 19/20.. thinking i got an A.. at the very least a B.... nope, not me, somehow i manage to write all of the correct answers down and still get them wrong.. i got a C.. i couldn't take it- i bursted into tears and ran out of my class while it had nearly two hours left of it..
how much more of this do i have to take before someone can help me fix me..?