(no subject)
“i'm just ready for what's next.”
“sounds to me like you're ready for what's now.”
boy howdy.
~
onward comes in a million vibrant colors and i want to fly them all, in silk and spiral...
so much good news, like publisher's clearing house at the door with me in my underwear... but would it make sense to say i sleep with the starting gun under my pillow, and relate to spikes in the asphalt more than i do the finish line? would it explain to say i suddenly haven't known what to do with myself? i never thought i had such a hard time with getting what i want. and these days are a flaming good round of fuckyeah. but i do. my greyhound is used to thinking the rabbit's tin and the race is for it's own sake. to be looking around with teeth sunken in and blood down my chin has been a little confusing.
i met my work ethic in a dream the other night. she's a middle-aged lady with bad hair, a thyroid problem, and huaraches. i fell asleep in her car, woke up two days past our destination, and saw a pile of right shoes at her feet with the soles worn through from pounding the gas pedal.
i have been, embarrassingly, a little stubborn in remembering that one wonderful reason for what i'm doing is to travel, root around in nature, swan-dive into this beautiful crazy trip of a world and come back with my account of it, all day every day. to make it my business full time to chase whatever-after, bound only to a good pen and my own hand with the task changing often. i've held one job in my whole life where i wasn't by myself or the one in charge, and have a long history of, um, problem with following routine for long. the things that drive are a flow, and i've learned that the grip on my back will only drag me along until i get up and try to match speed with what's in flight above.
i don't tend toward planning out much, although things often line up, and this has been a learning curve to have done so in a good-size way... and have it hit the mark. it's just what you do when something's next. nothing more or less. but i know i've bent my perspective along the way and merely stashed some impatience where it doesn't belong in favor of Getting Things Done. i will do what it takes, bad form or no, but undoubtedly have a few tendencies that could be improved upon. i've kept a firm hand on the dog with the treat on its nose until the go word, and that has crept out and around to color many things in odd ways. it's been far too easy to let a lot slide and succumb to a sort of tunnel vision in the key of eventual endpoint. i gave up the free time i did to burn like a good bonfire. but it's a certain mindset that's made the difference, one that convinced me i haven't had time for you and you and you or even me, and one that i'm calling right now.
i think i can say with certainty that i never want to live my life again the way i have in the last six months, no matter how busy or bound up things seem to become. i will always have a lot on my plate, but active is nothing more than that. it is all right here, all the time, in the people we love the food we eat the adventure we live and the art we breathe, and there's a certain soullessness to denying otherwise.
next is now.
/gear shift
rocking on