geeeezzz i can't sleep
I hardly ever make legitimate updates anymore. Not that updating the el-jay is something I often feel compelled to do, but i'm so sleepless right now I can't think of much else. Whenever I stay awake like this on a school night I can't help but think how i'm going to be awake in five hours, well less than that really. Today I was thinking about how being fifteen was the best year of my life, and I don't even know why. Nothing was that spectacular, I just had a few close friends I was happy with, some mid adolescent relationship that consisted simply of talking on the phone sometimes and making out on each other's couches and everything was all good. Then, sometime after my sixteenth birthday things just got screwy and complicated. Really, the person I was at fifteen and the person I am at seventeen are two different people..
Samantha was talking about doing her math homework today and her mom making chili and it made me miss being a little kid and my mom making dinner while i did my homework. now i just scratch up whatever food is in the house, do my homework and pass out at 10:30 , or I go sell my life to a corporation until I get home at ten o clock, bathe and fall asleep.
I keep thinking about where I was last year and where I am now and all the people and places and things in between. and I keep thinking about how in some ways things are better ,and in some ways things are worse. for instance, last year I might've had someone I felt comfortable about calling at this hour but last year i was also depleted and lonely all the time. and now, im almost scarily balanced, but with no one to call because i alienate everyone. and i want something new, new people, new places. it feels like i just finished a puzzle and now im waiting for a new one and i hate that life has become this.
not that im sad or anything, just things are kind of normal and easy and i just keep thinking and wondering and missing some people and wondering what happened to them , and i can't make the chain of thoughts stop and i can't go to sleep......in 4 hours and 45 minutes i'll be awake and naked and in the shower and by fourth period i'm sure i'll be daydreaming of all the sleep i could have been getting tonight. but oh well.
Samantha was talking about doing her math homework today and her mom making chili and it made me miss being a little kid and my mom making dinner while i did my homework. now i just scratch up whatever food is in the house, do my homework and pass out at 10:30 , or I go sell my life to a corporation until I get home at ten o clock, bathe and fall asleep.
I keep thinking about where I was last year and where I am now and all the people and places and things in between. and I keep thinking about how in some ways things are better ,and in some ways things are worse. for instance, last year I might've had someone I felt comfortable about calling at this hour but last year i was also depleted and lonely all the time. and now, im almost scarily balanced, but with no one to call because i alienate everyone. and i want something new, new people, new places. it feels like i just finished a puzzle and now im waiting for a new one and i hate that life has become this.
not that im sad or anything, just things are kind of normal and easy and i just keep thinking and wondering and missing some people and wondering what happened to them , and i can't make the chain of thoughts stop and i can't go to sleep......in 4 hours and 45 minutes i'll be awake and naked and in the shower and by fourth period i'm sure i'll be daydreaming of all the sleep i could have been getting tonight. but oh well.