what the hell is up with my emotions?
there was just something about school today that was just all around shitty. the whole reason i didnt wanna tell anyone about colin and i was because i dont want all the questions. well stupid me told like 5 people and i got non stop questions today, the same thing over and over again.i'm never telling anyone anything ever again. so i guess the day was fine up till aerobics, the second morgan walked into the room i just like broke down once again. i cannnot have a class with her if its gonna do that to me.then megan starts talkin about colin picking someone up from school on friday and i just got so upset. i'm past the mad and angry stage, i'm now at the sad stage. so after aerobics i was determined that i'm never coming to school ever again. i am just a mess. lunch was terrible, last period was bad cause i dont wanna be at school anymore. so i was hoping my mom would pick me up from school alone today. cause i really just wanted to cry, but no ted was in the car. andi didnt wear my seatbelt and i prayed we got in an accident, i am just such a mess. soo ted gets out of the car and i just completely break down this time and my mom was freakin out cause she didnt believe that nothing was wrong. nothing is wrong dammit sooo i come home and my mom was trying to cheer me up but it wasnt working soo i was goin to take a nap so i layed down and brooks called. he said he was coming over. so i was scared cause i thought something happend. but he came over to talk to my mom about some cruise stuff, so he ended up staying till 8 and him and ted built something for our luggage for the car and he ate dinner with us and we all talked. i really think my mom is starting to understand me better now and thats why shes being so nice. i feel like we're starting to connect on a different level*aww how cute* anyways we were siting out there and my mom had a pillow that i made in 6th grade so we started talking about how i make clothes... well he just like freaks out and was saying how great that is and how he had no idea and blah blah blah so i showed him some stuff i made and he was like so proud of me. it really made me feel good that someone appreciates me for something. he just made me soo happy today. he completly turned my mood around from wanting to never wake up from my nap to being happy that brooks and i can spend time together. so he leaves and i got a big big hug which i havent gotten in forever. so later on i went to my mom saying i need a ride home from school tomorrow and we were talkin about brooks and the cruise and my mom said something about brooks making such a big deal about me making stuff. and she said that when i walked away to get something he also said some other stuff about me and about how i dont need to be shy and hold back so much. and just all this stuff. so then my mom and i had a long talk about what people think of me and before i could even say anything she said exactly what peoples first impression of me is and she said that it was the same way when she was in highschool. she said i dont need to worry about it cause i'm almost out of here. i said that i'm just a completely different person out of school and i think i do good in some social situations. not ones with lots of girls tho. like at travis's house, ofcourse i was alittle uncomfortable at first but i got over it and talked and i had a great time and met people and was myself. at school i just sit in my desk and dont talk to anyone. i dont know what the point of me writing all this is but i really think my mom and i are starting to understand each other better and now i wish i could go back to the begining of highschool and do it differenly or atleast figure out what made me so quiet and all. god i'm a mess. and it really sucks that i dont know what to do when i get like this. well diamond is no longer my weakness, its colin. and once again, i'm a mess and i'm really scaring myself