(no subject)
because im feeling crazy, i read sylvia plath. somehow i feel comforted by the fact that there's someone else in the world who is crazy too. even though she died years ago,sticking her head into an oven. i always wonder how people get the courage to kill themselves. i mean, why cant i have that courage too? is it because i believe in the bible, which implies that all humans would go to hell if we committed suicide?yes He said tha we must cherish our body, the temple of God. but had God really meant it that way? i guess i can only die to find out. but by then, too late.
when i dont cry instantaneously, it doesnt mean i wont ever cry. when i dont hurt at your chosen moment, it doesnt mean it wont ever hurt. though sometimes i wish it could be this way. (other times i wish i would still hurt and cry. over you)
so with the knowledge of an impending disaster, i let the small seed of sadness and pain and fear grow and manifest. i lie at night and wait for it. and the voice seems to echo " wait for it! wait.for.it!! WAIT.FOR.IT!!!" louder and louder as the pain accelerates faster and nearer towards me.
and then as surely as the sun will rise, i see the arrival of my old friends. Wave of Panic, Fire of Fear, Boulder of Pain. Insecurity the chain, and Worry the bitch. hi! they say cheerily. hey babe, good freaking luck. and their smiles turn into smirks.
somehow this time round, words cannot be my coping mechanism anymore. (as ironic as it sounds cos im here typing away right? haha) i just cant find the right words to say. the apt ones. to put how i feel, every evil and good thought in my brain, the right way. and im tired. tired of continuing this seemingly endless sad tale. i feel like im imposing on the good old pals who have been going through this with me for so long. its like a marathon, and the contemplation of giving up 3/4 way, and the feelings of having given up, and the consequences of that, and the feelings and reactions to the consequences. sigh, this whole pain thing, its never going to end, is it? the pain, its ever lasting isnt it ? (not saying that there hadnt been good times. i just have a knack for remembering the pain because im such a hopeless pessimist. i imagine he would say: fuck that. my sentiments exactly)
i lost my wallet. (hi chow sau yee if you see this, im begging, tugging at your pants to dont tell mama or papa or xiao be. and how come i havent been seeing you around? i miss you!) and it doesnt seem to matter as much. HAHAHA sounds so familiar cos it was something he would have told me. to prove his love. to show how much We meant to him. why am i laughing im actually very sad. wtf.
how about some warrick avenue? you think you're loving but you dont love me. and i've been confused, out of my mind lately. you think you're loving but i want to be free. baby you've hurt me.
okay. time for ending with a punch line: ahh, fuckerty fuck.
hey fuck , you suck.
why are you, such a duck?
in my world , i hear our endless cluck
so i escape, by making bucks.
what the shit? nice poem created in 1.32 mins flat i swear.
(disclaimer: the 'fuck ' in "hey fuck" refers to the shitful life i lead. not a person kkk?)
(disclaimer two: i dont usually swear in cyber space. where everyone can see the word like its an evidence of my crudity.)
i hate disclaimers they make my entries look lame. HAHAHA suddenly, i see in my brain the time where uncle roland said jugers christ at work. i have no freaking idea why. god, i must be mad.