the final stages of e.d.
I have to share this. This might not be a big deal to a lot of people, but it's huge to me and maybe to a few others...
I've started working out again. I basically had not worked out for the two years since I had quit ballet. At first, I felt like my body deserved the break, plus I wasn't sure that I was ready since I was still getting over the eating disorder (e.d.). Then, I just kept putting it off for longer and longer. Some of it was that I was just out of habit. Some of it, though, was that I couldn't do it. I didn't know how to work out without going crazy. With e.d., working out was never about being healthy or feeling good...it was only a means to lose more weight. So everytime I tried to work out again, I couldn't dissociate from the mindset of losing weight. So, though not working out may have not been very healthy, I likely would have been even less healthy had I started up again. Then, in January I started back to ballet class. At first, it was a wonderful feeling. I loved the feeling of dancing again, and I loved that I could face myself in the mirror and love my body. But, eventually, I started having days where I was not feeling up to par. Suddenly I was "fat" again, and suddenly I was leaning toward my old habits of e.d. Fortunately, this time around, I knew Mark was there to help me, and I knew he understood more than he had the first time around. I finally told him what was going on, and he told me that he was happy that I was back in dance but that he didn't like it if this was what it was going to do to me. At first, it made me mad. I felt like it was him that wanted to keep me from dance. But then it finally occurred to me that that wasn't the case at all. Mark has nothing to do with my relationship with dance. He only cares about me and my health. And then I realized something else. I didn't want to go back to my e.d. The years that I dealt with it, especially the last two years of it, were absolute hell. I was depressed, moody, mean, and tired. In addition to not wanting to go back to my e.d., I also didn't want to quit dancing right when I had gotten it back. After being away from ballet for two years and then getting the chance to have it in my life again, I realized I would do whatever it would take to keep it in my life. In this case, that meant continuing my fight with e.d. and not letting it take away what I love most.
Fast forward a bit, I was still up and down here and there, but fighting nonetheless. Then about a week ago, I had an urge to finally get my ass back in shape. Yes, I know I'm little, I look fine...whatever...I believe you, but I still know that I am not in shape at all. So I started running again, and even on my first run I felt like it was the start of getting in shape for the first time in my life without e.d. Well, now I've been working out for a little over a week, and I've been fighting the e.d. successfully for the duration. I work out when I can but I don't force it. I've been eating when I'm hungry and I eat what I want. If I'm tired, I let my body do less, but I still try to do a little. I'm not weighing myself, as I've not been for quite some time). And I'm just letting the workouts let me feel good. They're not for losing weight, they're for feeling better, and getting a little more "in shape" for me. This week, I'm going to start back in ballet class (I haven't been able to make it the past few weeks), and I intend to continue the fight there as well.
I'm 24. I'm intelligent. I have a lot going on. I have a lot of kids who do or could look up to me. There is no reason to let myself be torn apart by e.d. any longer. I need to be who I am. E.d. is not who I am. E.d. is not the best of me; it's the worst. I know this seems simple. I realize if you know nothing about it, you may think that the decisions I have made took nothing at all. But in reality, all of this took two good years of fighting and learning and loving. I think I'm finally there. It's still a battle, but I am winning more and more, and I am extremely happy, grateful, and amazed that the time has finally come.
I've started working out again. I basically had not worked out for the two years since I had quit ballet. At first, I felt like my body deserved the break, plus I wasn't sure that I was ready since I was still getting over the eating disorder (e.d.). Then, I just kept putting it off for longer and longer. Some of it was that I was just out of habit. Some of it, though, was that I couldn't do it. I didn't know how to work out without going crazy. With e.d., working out was never about being healthy or feeling good...it was only a means to lose more weight. So everytime I tried to work out again, I couldn't dissociate from the mindset of losing weight. So, though not working out may have not been very healthy, I likely would have been even less healthy had I started up again. Then, in January I started back to ballet class. At first, it was a wonderful feeling. I loved the feeling of dancing again, and I loved that I could face myself in the mirror and love my body. But, eventually, I started having days where I was not feeling up to par. Suddenly I was "fat" again, and suddenly I was leaning toward my old habits of e.d. Fortunately, this time around, I knew Mark was there to help me, and I knew he understood more than he had the first time around. I finally told him what was going on, and he told me that he was happy that I was back in dance but that he didn't like it if this was what it was going to do to me. At first, it made me mad. I felt like it was him that wanted to keep me from dance. But then it finally occurred to me that that wasn't the case at all. Mark has nothing to do with my relationship with dance. He only cares about me and my health. And then I realized something else. I didn't want to go back to my e.d. The years that I dealt with it, especially the last two years of it, were absolute hell. I was depressed, moody, mean, and tired. In addition to not wanting to go back to my e.d., I also didn't want to quit dancing right when I had gotten it back. After being away from ballet for two years and then getting the chance to have it in my life again, I realized I would do whatever it would take to keep it in my life. In this case, that meant continuing my fight with e.d. and not letting it take away what I love most.
Fast forward a bit, I was still up and down here and there, but fighting nonetheless. Then about a week ago, I had an urge to finally get my ass back in shape. Yes, I know I'm little, I look fine...whatever...I believe you, but I still know that I am not in shape at all. So I started running again, and even on my first run I felt like it was the start of getting in shape for the first time in my life without e.d. Well, now I've been working out for a little over a week, and I've been fighting the e.d. successfully for the duration. I work out when I can but I don't force it. I've been eating when I'm hungry and I eat what I want. If I'm tired, I let my body do less, but I still try to do a little. I'm not weighing myself, as I've not been for quite some time). And I'm just letting the workouts let me feel good. They're not for losing weight, they're for feeling better, and getting a little more "in shape" for me. This week, I'm going to start back in ballet class (I haven't been able to make it the past few weeks), and I intend to continue the fight there as well.
I'm 24. I'm intelligent. I have a lot going on. I have a lot of kids who do or could look up to me. There is no reason to let myself be torn apart by e.d. any longer. I need to be who I am. E.d. is not who I am. E.d. is not the best of me; it's the worst. I know this seems simple. I realize if you know nothing about it, you may think that the decisions I have made took nothing at all. But in reality, all of this took two good years of fighting and learning and loving. I think I'm finally there. It's still a battle, but I am winning more and more, and I am extremely happy, grateful, and amazed that the time has finally come.