You can never leave me alone for too long.

[duooptichrome]

Yesterday i didnt have rehearsal so i basically had the whole afternoon and evening to myself. This wasnt a good thing. Most of the plans I had made fell through and i had to go tire shopping with my mom. of course, after constant arguing about the differences in pricing of a good year and a firestone my mom treated me like shit and so did my brother. I had finally talked to my friend April that afternoon and she pointed somethings out to me. One of those things was the fact that i dont spend enough time alone. The other i will get into later. So last night i was supposed to go to chris' jazz cafe with two friends. one bailed and the other said she didnt feel like going all the way to philly, so we were to meet at the diner. When this plan was made all hell broke loose in my mind. I thought about all the shit certain friends have been doing to me with certian promises that were never kept and the feeling of being used (this was the other thing april pointed out), how i never really wanted to do ragtime but i felt forced into it, my love life sucks and everyone around me is in a good relationship, and how my one friend ruined my going to chris' the week before due to things i dont want to get into ( even though a lot of it i believe was laziness and not caring even though i had put her first so many times before so to make her happy when i didnt have to) and that last night was my final chance to go to chris' before ragtime completely consumed me. I broke, it was enough. I had a anxiety attack. i was given too much time by myself to think about things, instead of being out and about and filling my head with mental blockers. I completely freaked.

You can never leave me alone for too long. the outcome is never good.