Fic post: "The Stereotypical First Date Disaster"

[duokinneas]

The Stereotypical First Date Disaster
by duokinneas
Summary: Well, that's just great. After discovering Zell's food allergy, it looks to Seifer like everything's going downhill...especially now that Zell won't make up for it.
Pairing: SeiferxZell
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VIII and its characters are the property of Squaresoft-Enix, Ltd., and

Comments

[destry]

I get first pickin's twice! Not only did I annoy you by stealing your laptop and reading it right after it was done last night, but now I get to comment first, and comment horrendously long. You'll be pleased to know I even found some mistakes (okay, only one really counts), so this is constuctive, too, and not just me seeming like your best friend and uh, life partner. So let's roll.

The first two things I really like about this fic are really easy to say. One, I love how you write Seifer, how he's profane and sarcastic, but still human underneath it all. I like contemplative-asshole Seifer, a Seifer I never see, rather than "I'm suddenly romantic and caring and perfectly polite!" Seifer. The second thing I love is the present tense. Which-- I checked-- you didn't slip up on, unlike me, who does all the time when I write it. It worked really well, it was nice not to see "ed" tacked at the end of every word for once.

Now you get my favorite lines in this gay ficcage. In no particular order.

· Seifer rubs his tongue in little half-circles over Zell's until the chicken wuss realizes that yes, even a fucking loser like him gets a kiss at the end of the date.
     Like I said, you're so mean to Zell! Well, Seifer is. But in a loving way. This one makes me snort.
· Seifer decides that he spent way too many years hitting Zell.
     I mentioned this one to you last night. It made me "awww". I like it a lot.
· Bent over the toilet, a sticky-looking string of saliva still swinging off his lower lip, Zell coughs and splutters.
     Actually, the entire vomit scene is my favorite. I like that you can describe how gross vomiting actually is without describing the colors of the chunks in the toilet. And your use of words and describe the string of saliva Zell can't spit out is also a good addition. That you don't forget about it and that he wipes it from his face is also a plus.

And now I have my whopping two nitpicks. Earth-shattering, right?

· Though it doesn't take much concentration, he pretends to be extremely occupied with parking the car in the darkness so he doesn't have to elaborate, but Zell doesn't seem to want him to.

"Good," says Zell, slipping out of the car.

This is me misunderstanding, but I don't quite understand what you mean by "elaborate". Elaborate the parking job? Since Zell doesn't care and just hops out once they're parked? Anyway, you could probably work the paragraph out more to make it clearer.

· Seifer starts off shaking his head, realizes that Zell can't see him, and says, "No." After a minute, he adds, "Thanks." He's in the guy's rooms; he may as well pretend to have manners. He can always find a way to piss Zell off later if he gets tired of playing polite.

I think you meant "guy's room" there. Says she who accidently typos 'S's all the time. All the time. But hey, I finally found a typo in something you wrote! I'm accomplished here.

This fic is cute. Not just because it's my favorite FFVIII pairing, or that it makes me laugh, but also because it's realistic. Zell didn't beg to get fucked over the kitchen island. Zell's breath also wasn't like flowers right after he puked. And hell, Zell took the bill because it made more sense. And plus, there's no A) rape B) drug addictions C) self-injury D) stupid misunderstandings E) "glittering emerald orbs", so we're good. Which is another line I liked-- Seifer noticing Zell's eyes, and then realizing how gay that was, haha! But again, realistic.

Overall I'm reeeally glad this is the story you wrote after me (shamelessly and selfishly) harassing you to write a story, and I'm doubly glad that you're finally posting a story! I'm hoping this'll push you to post more of your writing in places where people can see. You know your reasoning for not posting at FFN is lame (it's het-focused? Rly nao?) deep down inside!

Now go write the other nine! ♥ ♥ ♥

[duokinneas]

When don't you get first pickin's, chicken a la wuss? I always try to give you the first read because yours is the opinion that solidifies my thoughts on the fic and lets me fix lulzy shit and typos and such. **cackles** "Life partner," guh. XD

A Seifer who suddenly cares about manners and forgets his canon irreverence (especially his disregard for authority and his distaste for running with the in-crowd) is not Seifer Almasy, in my opinion, and I don't want to produce something inauthentic and crappy like that. When authors write Seifer as someone romantic and polite, it drives me nuts. I can't help thinking, "You're wrong," just as I can't help wanting to wallop people who turn Zell into a little bitch just because he's a crybaby and a loudmouth who wants to get some appreciation for once.

Also: present tense is my bitch. Sometimes, it's impossible to write in anything but present tense. It's better than past for some fics.

Seifer loves Zell; he just doesn't know it yet. And even when their feelings grow deeper and take root, I don't see Seifer as suddenly treating Zell with sweet, sugary kindness, just like Zell won't stop going on the defensive for things that aren't even that bad in the first place. No matter what happens between these two, they will always fight. Like real couples. Oh my God, crazy! O_O A couple arguing!

I fixed the first, as I told you (while I was doing it, tee hee), and the second is intentional. Zell has a main room, an offshoot of a kitchen, and a bathroom, at least the way I'm running this little show. That's rooms, plural, not just a room. If you still think I should make it the singular, since they can't be in every room at once, I understand. I've just always thought of them as someone's "rooms" when there's more than the one - technically, we have rooms, or a suite. Whatever.

You know I only like A when it's hawt and involves fifteen-year-old boys, B when it induces A, and that I hate C, D, and E. Fucking emerald orbs need to get away from Axel's eyes before I call Demyx to wash them away. What are these floating orbs doing in front of people's faces all the time - do they need glasses or colored contacts? D<

I'm glad, too, and proud that I didn't push it to include sex. You'll be pleased to know - well, you already do know, 'cause you're across the room - that I'm working on the second one, and that I'm already scheming on what to do for the third prompt.

I'll post it on FFN after I get the second one done, maybe, or after I think on it more. But I think this is a pretty safe bet to post there, since it's pretty tame, as far as BL goes. Ya know?

♥ I will, Zelly! Fucking slave-driver. ♥