(no subject)
I wish I knew how to preface this (I know, me not knowing how to say shit, that's so ironic). I mean, here I am, hanging out all swathed in a long-lost blanket I found yesterday, mostly because I'm still convinced that I've landed in Siberia and I don't want to run up the heat. So I'm sitting here, and I'm thinking, "Now's a good time to be king of the saps, right?" I kept mentioning that I would, and it feels right.
Then I realized that I'm not even sure how I want to go about it. Believe it or not, this doesn't really come easy to me. It takes me a while to figure out what I want to write down, and when I'm talking, that's even worse. I don't have a lot going for me when it comes to being eloquent. I'll try, though. If you ask me, it won't work out so good, but.
I've got three recommendations here: you can GTFO (as we say to the camwhores), you can stay here and enjoy your cavities, or if you're my intended audience, I'd suggest keeping the smelling salts handy, because, well.
No guarantees, though. I'll leave that for the pages I always find when I bring home a new game console or something, all shiny with the warranties I didn't want to pay for but mommy said I should, like, like ... with my Xbox. I liked playing Halo.
Okay, I'm digressing.
Now, one thing you have to understand is that I've never been big on romance. Sure, I know what it is in general, I see it in the things I watch, the things I read, and to a certain extent, in the things I play. I've had relationships before, that's all well and good. Getting all romantic, though, is something that's sort of eluded me over the years. I'm not good at it. I don't get it a lot of the time. I'm not a big fan of achingly sweet tales. My favorite love story is Star Wars, what does that have to tell you?
My head isn't full of rolling meadows and rose petals. You need to understand this, so that when I say that someone like Rika inspires that in me, it's saying a lot. I don't know any way but being direct, so this comes straight from the heart. I can't embellish very well. Writing verses doesn't make me a poet, and a declaration like this one isn't going to make me a Romeo. I may be getting there, though.
I said on Christmas (Christmas Eve, as you kids call it) that I was "liking someone". I'm aware that it's only been a couple of weeks since then, but it hasn't changed. If anything, I'd like to think that the feeling's magnified tenfold. Every time I think about it, every time I think about her, I feel as though I've added another piece to whatever beautiful structure it is that we're creating. I'll be damned if I know what that even is, I just know that it's nice to look at, to consider, so that's good enough for me.
As I mentioned, I'm not normally one for spinning sentimental yarns. Ours, me and Rika, will be no exception, I suppose; I rained on a friend's parade with the brain worms, caught her attention, and we've climbed this curious crag from there. I have no explanation for how we found a cozy niche so quickly. I spent many a year being convinced on that leading to madness, but here I am, swept up in it again. Truth be told, I think that may or may not have made her a little uncomfortable for a spell, though I'm hoping that's passed by now. It'd better have, anyway.
I don't have any answers for all the burning questions. How it happened, why it happened. Personally, I spend so much time thinking about her that there's not much room left in in my big fat head to dwell on the intricacies of it. I simply know that I like her a whole lot. I'd hope that I always will, and that somewhere down the line I'll be able to step up and give it a stronger label. But not right now, since that'd be foolish.
After all, I've liked many a lady in my day. I'm young, I've had hundreds of crushes, it's true. Whether they last for months or a day, they've been there, and I eventually come around to leaving them behind. Incidentally, every time it happens, I get the notion that had I ever followed through with any of those desires, they would have turned out to be a bad idea. Part of that might be based on sheer retrospection-- even so, I shake my head and cry, "It wouldn't have worked out. What was I thinking?"
And yet I turn to Rika, this girl I like, and for the life of me, it's extremely hard for me to imagine her ever being out of my life, ever. It's not what I want. I don't want to be without her. I mean, I know, by all standards, I don't exactly have her now, per se, but ...
It's difficult to verbalize. I know that we have to take our time. Hell, she's said so, and there's nothing wrong with it. This is why I tell myself that it isn't a race, that I need to stop worrying if something's okay, or if it isn't. What's important here is that, well, somewhere down the line, I will have this amazing woman and she will be in my arms and we'll be great big dorks and she'll probably smack me all over the place for being an idiot but that's okay since I can tolerate tough love, and ...
She said something like that to me once, though the subject was concerning getting my life together, if I recall. That the fact it would happen, sooner or later, was what was important. I find that relevant to point out since it's like what's going on here. Whether it happens this year, the next, or whenever, she's going to be stuck with me. At the time, it might have been a joke, but I gave her half of my heart for a reason. When I see her, that's when she can get the other half, too. Fair is fair.
I can't describe it. She makes me very happy, even if all we're doing is talking, even if I only have a handful of minutes with her. There's just something about knowing she's out there that makes me feel really good inside. All I have to do is conjure a thought, and if it involves Rika, then I generally feel better. It's weird, because I didn't know that people could affect other people like that. If I did, I guess I don't remember. Maybe it's been too long, I'm obviously now a fossil.
I want to do things for Rika. Granted, I can't really say what, as then I'd have to, you know, figure it out. But I want to grow to cherish her, spoil her, protect her. I have a possessive streak a mile long, and it's been eons since anyone has brought that out in me. I forgot what it felt like to stand on the battlefield, to be valiant, a hero for someone. I don't know if she knows it or not, and she's probably not even trying, but she's helping me start to remember. And I have to say, I think I like it.
I don't know what else I can say. Does she feel the same way, even remotely? No one else can answer that but her. Honestly, it'd be fine if she didn't. I'm not expecting miracles, I'm not expecting immediate mutuality. The fact alone that I've even generated interest is great for me. I can't remember the last time that anyone else was. For a long time I'd accepted the fact that I don't belong with someone, that romantic relations weren't on my agenda. Being proved wrong was as abrupt as the rest of it. It turns out that I like that, too.
That's all there is to it. I'm liking someone, it still stands. It's standing fairly tall, in fact, a towering giant in the recesses of my [half] heart. And it feels so good.
Did I overdo it? I think I overdid it ...
I am very tired. I may or may not be due for a nap, ere I end up falling asleep even earlier than I did last night. It's always tricky, fixing my dumb schedule. I kind of wish I had more Monster on me. Either way, I'll cope. That's life, as much of a shit as it is.
So there you go. Take it or leave it, my time's up!
Then I realized that I'm not even sure how I want to go about it. Believe it or not, this doesn't really come easy to me. It takes me a while to figure out what I want to write down, and when I'm talking, that's even worse. I don't have a lot going for me when it comes to being eloquent. I'll try, though. If you ask me, it won't work out so good, but.
I've got three recommendations here: you can GTFO (as we say to the camwhores), you can stay here and enjoy your cavities, or if you're my intended audience, I'd suggest keeping the smelling salts handy, because, well.
No guarantees, though. I'll leave that for the pages I always find when I bring home a new game console or something, all shiny with the warranties I didn't want to pay for but mommy said I should, like, like ... with my Xbox. I liked playing Halo.
Okay, I'm digressing.
Now, one thing you have to understand is that I've never been big on romance. Sure, I know what it is in general, I see it in the things I watch, the things I read, and to a certain extent, in the things I play. I've had relationships before, that's all well and good. Getting all romantic, though, is something that's sort of eluded me over the years. I'm not good at it. I don't get it a lot of the time. I'm not a big fan of achingly sweet tales. My favorite love story is Star Wars, what does that have to tell you?
My head isn't full of rolling meadows and rose petals. You need to understand this, so that when I say that someone like Rika inspires that in me, it's saying a lot. I don't know any way but being direct, so this comes straight from the heart. I can't embellish very well. Writing verses doesn't make me a poet, and a declaration like this one isn't going to make me a Romeo. I may be getting there, though.
I said on Christmas (Christmas Eve, as you kids call it) that I was "liking someone". I'm aware that it's only been a couple of weeks since then, but it hasn't changed. If anything, I'd like to think that the feeling's magnified tenfold. Every time I think about it, every time I think about her, I feel as though I've added another piece to whatever beautiful structure it is that we're creating. I'll be damned if I know what that even is, I just know that it's nice to look at, to consider, so that's good enough for me.
As I mentioned, I'm not normally one for spinning sentimental yarns. Ours, me and Rika, will be no exception, I suppose; I rained on a friend's parade with the brain worms, caught her attention, and we've climbed this curious crag from there. I have no explanation for how we found a cozy niche so quickly. I spent many a year being convinced on that leading to madness, but here I am, swept up in it again. Truth be told, I think that may or may not have made her a little uncomfortable for a spell, though I'm hoping that's passed by now. It'd better have, anyway.
I don't have any answers for all the burning questions. How it happened, why it happened. Personally, I spend so much time thinking about her that there's not much room left in in my big fat head to dwell on the intricacies of it. I simply know that I like her a whole lot. I'd hope that I always will, and that somewhere down the line I'll be able to step up and give it a stronger label. But not right now, since that'd be foolish.
After all, I've liked many a lady in my day. I'm young, I've had hundreds of crushes, it's true. Whether they last for months or a day, they've been there, and I eventually come around to leaving them behind. Incidentally, every time it happens, I get the notion that had I ever followed through with any of those desires, they would have turned out to be a bad idea. Part of that might be based on sheer retrospection-- even so, I shake my head and cry, "It wouldn't have worked out. What was I thinking?"
And yet I turn to Rika, this girl I like, and for the life of me, it's extremely hard for me to imagine her ever being out of my life, ever. It's not what I want. I don't want to be without her. I mean, I know, by all standards, I don't exactly have her now, per se, but ...
It's difficult to verbalize. I know that we have to take our time. Hell, she's said so, and there's nothing wrong with it. This is why I tell myself that it isn't a race, that I need to stop worrying if something's okay, or if it isn't. What's important here is that, well, somewhere down the line, I will have this amazing woman and she will be in my arms and we'll be great big dorks and she'll probably smack me all over the place for being an idiot but that's okay since I can tolerate tough love, and ...
She said something like that to me once, though the subject was concerning getting my life together, if I recall. That the fact it would happen, sooner or later, was what was important. I find that relevant to point out since it's like what's going on here. Whether it happens this year, the next, or whenever, she's going to be stuck with me. At the time, it might have been a joke, but I gave her half of my heart for a reason. When I see her, that's when she can get the other half, too. Fair is fair.
I can't describe it. She makes me very happy, even if all we're doing is talking, even if I only have a handful of minutes with her. There's just something about knowing she's out there that makes me feel really good inside. All I have to do is conjure a thought, and if it involves Rika, then I generally feel better. It's weird, because I didn't know that people could affect other people like that. If I did, I guess I don't remember. Maybe it's been too long, I'm obviously now a fossil.
I want to do things for Rika. Granted, I can't really say what, as then I'd have to, you know, figure it out. But I want to grow to cherish her, spoil her, protect her. I have a possessive streak a mile long, and it's been eons since anyone has brought that out in me. I forgot what it felt like to stand on the battlefield, to be valiant, a hero for someone. I don't know if she knows it or not, and she's probably not even trying, but she's helping me start to remember. And I have to say, I think I like it.
I don't know what else I can say. Does she feel the same way, even remotely? No one else can answer that but her. Honestly, it'd be fine if she didn't. I'm not expecting miracles, I'm not expecting immediate mutuality. The fact alone that I've even generated interest is great for me. I can't remember the last time that anyone else was. For a long time I'd accepted the fact that I don't belong with someone, that romantic relations weren't on my agenda. Being proved wrong was as abrupt as the rest of it. It turns out that I like that, too.
That's all there is to it. I'm liking someone, it still stands. It's standing fairly tall, in fact, a towering giant in the recesses of my [half] heart. And it feels so good.
Did I overdo it? I think I overdid it ...
I am very tired. I may or may not be due for a nap, ere I end up falling asleep even earlier than I did last night. It's always tricky, fixing my dumb schedule. I kind of wish I had more Monster on me. Either way, I'll cope. That's life, as much of a shit as it is.
So there you go. Take it or leave it, my time's up!