can't sleep...
Happy June, Everyone. I can't sleep tonight. There is nothing more frustrating that knowing that you have to get up and do a million things in the morning, but not being able to fall asleep. Perhaps the stress of knowing I have a kagillion things to do is what is causing the insomnia. That is probably it. Still sleep evades me, and I have tried everything.
So instead of sleeping, I have decided to write out all the what-ifs floating about in my head. Actually they are not really what-ifs, but more like mind blogs. I'm always writing somewhere, even in my own head.
Tonight I am preoccupied with, what else, my husband. I don't know where we go from here. I suppose I just keep doing what I have been doing, filing motions concerning divorce...court..child support..etc. I'm prevented from discussing anything but visitation with him directly, which I somewhat agree with because I would honestly still be on eggshells wondering if I'm going to say or do something that he wont like, or will make him angry. Phil has been very kind and warm during our visitation pick ups and drop offs. I have really no complaints. My therapists have warned me against getting pulled back into a relationship with an abuser. Not that I think he wants to mend things, mind you, but its that hope that my hopes and dreams and investments in the relationship have not been in vain. However, is that a realistic thought? I doubt it. Not that I want to be negative or cavalier about things either. Still I don't know where we stand and it bothers me. From the surface I feel like we are cordial to one another, and we admit that we did love one another (in my case, still do)and that as far as things stand, we can continue on as things are now, working on ourselves individually and continuing upon this path as it is set now.
But then I wonder...what does THAT mean? Well, for instance for me, continuing down this path that is set in motion means filing more motions for child support and other legal issues. Since I can not speak to him directly about these things and must go through the lawyer, I get the feeling that he will take this as me being "sneaky" or something like that. Like, why would you go an do that? I thought things were fine the way there are now kind of thing? But these things have already been put into motion. I suppose I could stop them, but why? is there a reason for me to? And are things fine the way they are because we are not allowed to discuss them without a 3rd party intervening? Also continuing upon this path means divorce. I'm still saddened by this prospect because it does mean the end of a dream for me. I wasn't happy with being abused, but I was happy as a stay at home mother and a wife. and I liked my future as such. Since January I've had to accept that this no longer applies to me. Traveling down this path means I have to be the one responsible for the financial aspects of the family. I've been in charge of paying bills and I've brought in supplemental income, but I've never, ever had a full time job before. The task of finding one has been daunting and I'm torn and confused about the county rules and regulations as I try to make ends meet and save money to get my own place.
The other thing I don't really like is the idea of things left unsaid. I can't and shouldn't talk to him, but there are a million things I'd like to say. There are just as many questions I would like answered. He said, "I guess I gave up when you gave up on us..." But I never did give up on us...never. Even through the R.O. and court dates...I hoped...but I knew it was in vain. I never rejected the idea of counseling. What makes you think i did? I love him despite the abuse. I just don't know if I can trust him, and I don't know if he understands that...or does it even matter anymore? "lets just see where we end up..." am I to have hope because "there were far more good times than bad." And is that supposed to mean we were good together? is it supposed to make me feel hopeful? as if there is a chance for us? But then I think...but you said that you didn't love me...that you didn't want to be in a relationship with me other than being a parent. so that is where we are now, and yet you bring up "thinking about family a lot these days." and then I think...but I've been here before after the fall out. You've told me before that we belong together, that we fit so perfectly...and that you love me..that I am your goddess.............
.....then.....
......maybe months later....I'm selfish and self centered....etc...and you don't love me...and I can't meet your needs as a wife...and the idea of being in that cycle again is terrifying!!!!!! I literally freeze with fear when I think about it. eyes clenched shut. fighting back tears! What if I did try again...after all of this....and we ended up back here again. I don't think I can take being told that I am not loved anymore!
Being told by your soulmate that they no longer love you is like having your heart ripped out physically. Imagine that on a yearly basis. How do you think it would affect you? The first time? what would you think and/or do? What about the second time? the third?....fouth....How long do you think you could go on?
I don't know what to do with my hope now. I just look at it wondering what its going to do next. I'm still walking on eggshells if I hold onto that hope. At the same time...letting go and moving on...thats what everyone says I SHOULD be doing. But I'll always have him in my life. I want my children to have a relationship with their father. When he is not angry/depressed he is a great father and I am so glad that he actually WANTS to be a part of their lives. I'm grateful for it. But letting go seems so devastating. So final. So depressing. Then I think of that saying, "if you love something set it free, if it doesn't come back, it wasn't meant to be." Is that what I am doing? Lets take away the R.O. and the abuse for a moment and just look at the divorce. I have told him the next time he asked for a divorce I would agree to one...and I have. He says he "loved" me (past tense). He hasn't been wearing his ring and he already changed his status on facebook and myspace to single/dating. I'm the fool who is still wearing mine and hasn't changed a thing. Yet this seems to be the common paths in most divorces. Women holding on...hoping for some sort of sign that its not really over...men seemingly moving on..then coming back and saying, "maybe I was too hasty.." etc...but then leaving again.
argh! Its so frustrating. And May has come and gone. He has a full time job and is working a lot, but still seems unhappy with it. "I work in a warehouse and wait around until someone needs a forklift....its a lot of hours...only home for about 3 hours and to sleep....but good money." But isn't that how you felt about your last 2-3 jobs. They were not what you wanted to do. They didn't make you happy. You didn't like going from my perspective. There were days you told me you didn't feel like going to work and I felt I had to talk you into going. Will this job be the same? What is different about it? Do you know what makes you happy yet?
And me....so many years of being told that the jobs I got were not good enough...I question everything. Should I quit my PT jobs now in this economy? Will I be able to find something? Should I get my teaching credential? Should I just get a McJob? I question everything. I doubt my instincts because the path I want to take usually does make me happy, and does take a bit longer to see results.
But back to reality....5 year R.O....that alone doesn't allow for hope of getting back together. I knew that when I applied for it. Still I did hope. And I feel a bit relieved with it as well. With emotional abuse so often a lot of the suffering goes on behind the scenes and is hard to prove. Many women claim to feel as if they were going crazy. I feel like I have had to not only prove to myself that I'm not...but prove to him and his family that what was going on...was...indeed...abusive. It wasn't easy! And I still have to prove it with a mental health assessment. So, I don't know what "wait 9 months and see where we end up" meant, but how does that relate to a 5 year R.O? I guess wait and see if he gets mad at me again and it validates his feelings for not wanting to be with me?
And what about his relationship with his family? Lets say 5 years from now he wants to try again (highly unlikely...but hear me out). Lets say that he admits that he was abusive and has gotten help and agreed to counseling. Lets say we've gone through the process of divorce, and have been divorced for 3-5 years. What in the world would his mother and sister say if he said, "I love her and want to be with her." after all that we'd been through (or what they feel I've put him through)They would have a cow and probably disown him. If they didn't, it would be really weird being around them knowing what they REALLY think of me. And what has he done about his brother and the porn issues with him? I don't think I can be in a relationship with someone who doesn't act on something as illegal as that...its already been over a year and nothing has been done about it, and he still continues to have interaction with his brother...and they seem to be on friendly terms from what I've seen on facebook and the fact that he's driven his car a few times. again...my assumption, but still....Would he trust me completely? or would he constantly feel like I might re-act in a way he felt would be inappropriate? I've called the police...I've gotten a R.O.....why in the world would he want to try again if he felt I was wrong for doing those things? but lets say he comes to terms with these facts and even agrees with them...is that even possible? It sounds like crazy talk! At best a really, REALLY, REEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLY long shot. If I hold on to that hope...that is what it seems I would be hoping for. It doesn't seem possible that after 5 years, divorce, R.O....etc...a man would say, "I've changed...I love you....I want you back!" maybe in the movies....
So I'll try now to go to sleep....I'll continue to think about what-if. I'll continue to think about hope. And I'll continue to think about letting go. Being a goddess would be so much easier if I weren't so human...and letting go would be easier if I didn't still love him so much.
So instead of sleeping, I have decided to write out all the what-ifs floating about in my head. Actually they are not really what-ifs, but more like mind blogs. I'm always writing somewhere, even in my own head.
Tonight I am preoccupied with, what else, my husband. I don't know where we go from here. I suppose I just keep doing what I have been doing, filing motions concerning divorce...court..child support..etc. I'm prevented from discussing anything but visitation with him directly, which I somewhat agree with because I would honestly still be on eggshells wondering if I'm going to say or do something that he wont like, or will make him angry. Phil has been very kind and warm during our visitation pick ups and drop offs. I have really no complaints. My therapists have warned me against getting pulled back into a relationship with an abuser. Not that I think he wants to mend things, mind you, but its that hope that my hopes and dreams and investments in the relationship have not been in vain. However, is that a realistic thought? I doubt it. Not that I want to be negative or cavalier about things either. Still I don't know where we stand and it bothers me. From the surface I feel like we are cordial to one another, and we admit that we did love one another (in my case, still do)and that as far as things stand, we can continue on as things are now, working on ourselves individually and continuing upon this path as it is set now.
But then I wonder...what does THAT mean? Well, for instance for me, continuing down this path that is set in motion means filing more motions for child support and other legal issues. Since I can not speak to him directly about these things and must go through the lawyer, I get the feeling that he will take this as me being "sneaky" or something like that. Like, why would you go an do that? I thought things were fine the way there are now kind of thing? But these things have already been put into motion. I suppose I could stop them, but why? is there a reason for me to? And are things fine the way they are because we are not allowed to discuss them without a 3rd party intervening? Also continuing upon this path means divorce. I'm still saddened by this prospect because it does mean the end of a dream for me. I wasn't happy with being abused, but I was happy as a stay at home mother and a wife. and I liked my future as such. Since January I've had to accept that this no longer applies to me. Traveling down this path means I have to be the one responsible for the financial aspects of the family. I've been in charge of paying bills and I've brought in supplemental income, but I've never, ever had a full time job before. The task of finding one has been daunting and I'm torn and confused about the county rules and regulations as I try to make ends meet and save money to get my own place.
The other thing I don't really like is the idea of things left unsaid. I can't and shouldn't talk to him, but there are a million things I'd like to say. There are just as many questions I would like answered. He said, "I guess I gave up when you gave up on us..." But I never did give up on us...never. Even through the R.O. and court dates...I hoped...but I knew it was in vain. I never rejected the idea of counseling. What makes you think i did? I love him despite the abuse. I just don't know if I can trust him, and I don't know if he understands that...or does it even matter anymore? "lets just see where we end up..." am I to have hope because "there were far more good times than bad." And is that supposed to mean we were good together? is it supposed to make me feel hopeful? as if there is a chance for us? But then I think...but you said that you didn't love me...that you didn't want to be in a relationship with me other than being a parent. so that is where we are now, and yet you bring up "thinking about family a lot these days." and then I think...but I've been here before after the fall out. You've told me before that we belong together, that we fit so perfectly...and that you love me..that I am your goddess.............
.....then.....
......maybe months later....I'm selfish and self centered....etc...and you don't love me...and I can't meet your needs as a wife...and the idea of being in that cycle again is terrifying!!!!!! I literally freeze with fear when I think about it. eyes clenched shut. fighting back tears! What if I did try again...after all of this....and we ended up back here again. I don't think I can take being told that I am not loved anymore!
Being told by your soulmate that they no longer love you is like having your heart ripped out physically. Imagine that on a yearly basis. How do you think it would affect you? The first time? what would you think and/or do? What about the second time? the third?....fouth....How long do you think you could go on?
I don't know what to do with my hope now. I just look at it wondering what its going to do next. I'm still walking on eggshells if I hold onto that hope. At the same time...letting go and moving on...thats what everyone says I SHOULD be doing. But I'll always have him in my life. I want my children to have a relationship with their father. When he is not angry/depressed he is a great father and I am so glad that he actually WANTS to be a part of their lives. I'm grateful for it. But letting go seems so devastating. So final. So depressing. Then I think of that saying, "if you love something set it free, if it doesn't come back, it wasn't meant to be." Is that what I am doing? Lets take away the R.O. and the abuse for a moment and just look at the divorce. I have told him the next time he asked for a divorce I would agree to one...and I have. He says he "loved" me (past tense). He hasn't been wearing his ring and he already changed his status on facebook and myspace to single/dating. I'm the fool who is still wearing mine and hasn't changed a thing. Yet this seems to be the common paths in most divorces. Women holding on...hoping for some sort of sign that its not really over...men seemingly moving on..then coming back and saying, "maybe I was too hasty.." etc...but then leaving again.
argh! Its so frustrating. And May has come and gone. He has a full time job and is working a lot, but still seems unhappy with it. "I work in a warehouse and wait around until someone needs a forklift....its a lot of hours...only home for about 3 hours and to sleep....but good money." But isn't that how you felt about your last 2-3 jobs. They were not what you wanted to do. They didn't make you happy. You didn't like going from my perspective. There were days you told me you didn't feel like going to work and I felt I had to talk you into going. Will this job be the same? What is different about it? Do you know what makes you happy yet?
And me....so many years of being told that the jobs I got were not good enough...I question everything. Should I quit my PT jobs now in this economy? Will I be able to find something? Should I get my teaching credential? Should I just get a McJob? I question everything. I doubt my instincts because the path I want to take usually does make me happy, and does take a bit longer to see results.
But back to reality....5 year R.O....that alone doesn't allow for hope of getting back together. I knew that when I applied for it. Still I did hope. And I feel a bit relieved with it as well. With emotional abuse so often a lot of the suffering goes on behind the scenes and is hard to prove. Many women claim to feel as if they were going crazy. I feel like I have had to not only prove to myself that I'm not...but prove to him and his family that what was going on...was...indeed...abusive. It wasn't easy! And I still have to prove it with a mental health assessment. So, I don't know what "wait 9 months and see where we end up" meant, but how does that relate to a 5 year R.O? I guess wait and see if he gets mad at me again and it validates his feelings for not wanting to be with me?
And what about his relationship with his family? Lets say 5 years from now he wants to try again (highly unlikely...but hear me out). Lets say that he admits that he was abusive and has gotten help and agreed to counseling. Lets say we've gone through the process of divorce, and have been divorced for 3-5 years. What in the world would his mother and sister say if he said, "I love her and want to be with her." after all that we'd been through (or what they feel I've put him through)They would have a cow and probably disown him. If they didn't, it would be really weird being around them knowing what they REALLY think of me. And what has he done about his brother and the porn issues with him? I don't think I can be in a relationship with someone who doesn't act on something as illegal as that...its already been over a year and nothing has been done about it, and he still continues to have interaction with his brother...and they seem to be on friendly terms from what I've seen on facebook and the fact that he's driven his car a few times. again...my assumption, but still....Would he trust me completely? or would he constantly feel like I might re-act in a way he felt would be inappropriate? I've called the police...I've gotten a R.O.....why in the world would he want to try again if he felt I was wrong for doing those things? but lets say he comes to terms with these facts and even agrees with them...is that even possible? It sounds like crazy talk! At best a really, REALLY, REEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLY long shot. If I hold on to that hope...that is what it seems I would be hoping for. It doesn't seem possible that after 5 years, divorce, R.O....etc...a man would say, "I've changed...I love you....I want you back!" maybe in the movies....
So I'll try now to go to sleep....I'll continue to think about what-if. I'll continue to think about hope. And I'll continue to think about letting go. Being a goddess would be so much easier if I weren't so human...and letting go would be easier if I didn't still love him so much.