do not send
(note: this journal entry is in the form of a letter, that is not being sent to my ex-girlfriend, JP. I am writing this because I once again want to contact her, and open my heart to her, and in the past, my therapist has suggested instead writing her a letter and not sending it, but I feel the need to put it somewhere, so it goes here. If JP ever does actually read this, well... I am saying right here that it's not actually intended for her to read, but I guess I can't really stop her, so I only ask that she keep in mind that I'm assuming that she will never read this, because otherwise I'll go insane hoping for her to reply to this. That still might happen, but if I say so up front, I'm at least being honest with myself.)
Dear JP,
It's been a long time since we've spoken. A lot has changed since then, and I wanted to contact you to let you know what's happening with me.
First of all, I want you to know that I didn't mean it when I told you I hate you, when we last spoke. I regret ever saying that, and it bothers me. I was weak, I was angry, and I lashed out at you, and I'm sorry for that.
The truth is, I could never hate you. I recall a discussion we once had (or maybe we didn't; I'm still not sure this isn't some fantasy I dreamed up, but it seems plausible to me) concerning unconditional love. In this conversation (dream?), we were discussing the virtues of certain pets; specifically, dogs and cats. I argued that dogs were the better pets, because they loved unconditionally. You said that cats were more rewarding, because their love had to be earned. That's part of my dilemma; my love for you was, and still is, unconditional, while your love for me was not. Perhaps that is the source of some of the confusion I experienced when you left me. You told me that you never wanted to be with me again, that you didn't love me, that you COULDN'T love me any more, and I didn't understand that. At other times, you asked how I knew I still loved you, saying that you'd changed. It doesn't matter to me how you change, or what you do, or (for instance) whether you even WANT it any more; I love you, just as I always have.
However, I can now accept, at least at the conscious level, that you don't feel the same way towards me. Part of me (the suicidal part) feels that that is unfair, that it is a cruel world in which unconditional love can be a one-way relationship.I don't want to live in such a world. Before you have me put in a hospital again, however, (I hate hospitals now, by the way) please understand that I do not intend to end my own life. I'm not selfish enough to do that. I'm not sure I ever really was. And I'm not evil enough to take everyone who cares about me with me.
That still leaves me in a difficult position, though. I have confessed my love for you, but I know that you don't want anything to do with it. I am (obviously) eager to form a new relationship with you again, but I don't want it to seem like I'm pressuring you to do anything you don't want to do. If you don't want to have anything to do with me, just ignore this letter. You can pretend it never happened, safe in the knowledge that I will neither try to kill myself over your rejection, nor take further measures to contact you. If you do wish to communicate with me, you may reply to this letter, IM me, email me, or call me; whatever you're comfortable with, but please don't message me on Facebook because I never check it. In any case, I will do my best to respect your boundaries and your space. Though what I want is certainly out of the realm of possibility, I would like to try to be your friend again; if, of course, that's still what you want.
Love, as always,
Mike
(End letter. That kind of thing is hard for me to write; I keep revising it, trying to get my words just right, and when I go back over it I'm never satisfied. It's silly, if you think about it; it's not like she's actually going to read it, or I'm going to be judged on the clarity of my statements. I'm tempted to actually send the letter, but a)I'm way too nervous, and b)it would probably just end in a restraining order, and I'd rather avoid that if possible. Anyways, here's hoping that this melancholy mood will pass, and I'll be able to get some sleep tonight.)
Dear JP,
It's been a long time since we've spoken. A lot has changed since then, and I wanted to contact you to let you know what's happening with me.
First of all, I want you to know that I didn't mean it when I told you I hate you, when we last spoke. I regret ever saying that, and it bothers me. I was weak, I was angry, and I lashed out at you, and I'm sorry for that.
The truth is, I could never hate you. I recall a discussion we once had (or maybe we didn't; I'm still not sure this isn't some fantasy I dreamed up, but it seems plausible to me) concerning unconditional love. In this conversation (dream?), we were discussing the virtues of certain pets; specifically, dogs and cats. I argued that dogs were the better pets, because they loved unconditionally. You said that cats were more rewarding, because their love had to be earned. That's part of my dilemma; my love for you was, and still is, unconditional, while your love for me was not. Perhaps that is the source of some of the confusion I experienced when you left me. You told me that you never wanted to be with me again, that you didn't love me, that you COULDN'T love me any more, and I didn't understand that. At other times, you asked how I knew I still loved you, saying that you'd changed. It doesn't matter to me how you change, or what you do, or (for instance) whether you even WANT it any more; I love you, just as I always have.
However, I can now accept, at least at the conscious level, that you don't feel the same way towards me. Part of me (the suicidal part) feels that that is unfair, that it is a cruel world in which unconditional love can be a one-way relationship.I don't want to live in such a world. Before you have me put in a hospital again, however, (I hate hospitals now, by the way) please understand that I do not intend to end my own life. I'm not selfish enough to do that. I'm not sure I ever really was. And I'm not evil enough to take everyone who cares about me with me.
That still leaves me in a difficult position, though. I have confessed my love for you, but I know that you don't want anything to do with it. I am (obviously) eager to form a new relationship with you again, but I don't want it to seem like I'm pressuring you to do anything you don't want to do. If you don't want to have anything to do with me, just ignore this letter. You can pretend it never happened, safe in the knowledge that I will neither try to kill myself over your rejection, nor take further measures to contact you. If you do wish to communicate with me, you may reply to this letter, IM me, email me, or call me; whatever you're comfortable with, but please don't message me on Facebook because I never check it. In any case, I will do my best to respect your boundaries and your space. Though what I want is certainly out of the realm of possibility, I would like to try to be your friend again; if, of course, that's still what you want.
Love, as always,
Mike
(End letter. That kind of thing is hard for me to write; I keep revising it, trying to get my words just right, and when I go back over it I'm never satisfied. It's silly, if you think about it; it's not like she's actually going to read it, or I'm going to be judged on the clarity of my statements. I'm tempted to actually send the letter, but a)I'm way too nervous, and b)it would probably just end in a restraining order, and I'd rather avoid that if possible. Anyways, here's hoping that this melancholy mood will pass, and I'll be able to get some sleep tonight.)