over a year
So, it seems its been about 14 months since I last posted here... a lot has happened.
-I stopped going to RIT. I took spring off, while going through a couple of part time jobs. I finally got a steady job unloading trucks at a department store, last July. It's low pressure, only a couple of times per week, and there's a good team of people who work there, so it suits me well.
-I enrolled in UAlbany, which is a lot closer to home for me than RIT was. I'm majoring in Computer Science there, with a minor in Applied Math, because UAlbany requires both a major and a minor. Still, classes are easier and less stressful than they were at RIT, at least a little.
-Over the summer, I got an apartment in Albany with Kevin and Jim. I always used to feel lonely, either in the dorms or at my house, so this helps with that. I've since learned that apartments have their own set of stresses, like rent, bills, food, and landlords, so I'm planning on living in the dorms at UAlbany next year, but its still been a good experience.
-I did try to kill myself last year, on March 5. It was a really bad Thursday, at the end of a really long week, during a really bad time for me. I'd gotten really upset, and felt that my life wasn't worth living, so I took a whole bunch of whatever pills I could find around the house, which, luckily, wasn't anything that could kill me, as it turns out. about 10 minutes later, I threw them all up, on purpose, and instead called up everyone I could think of, and told them what happened. Everyone, with one notable exception, which I'll get to later, was very supportive and understanding, and I'm lucky to have them as friends.
-Which brings me to JP. It seems that every time my depression takes a turn for the worse, she's at the core of it. Part of what prompted me to kill my self in March was a conversation I'd had with her, via IM. When I told her that I'd tried to kill myself, still via IM, she said... well, I don't even remember what she said. It's not like my mind was very clear at the moment. Anyways, what I remember from that was that I told her to fuck off, and that I hated her.
I really regret pushing her away as forcefully as I did, but I do feel that it was basically the right thing to do. I'm still not stable enough, when it comes to her, to try any sort of relationship. I still think about her, every day, and it still brings tears to my eyes. I don't know when that's going to stop, but my therapist tells me that it will, eventually. Experience shows that it's safer for me to have her completely missing from my life, so that's what I'm doing. I just wish I could let her know that I really don't hate her... But maybe she'll read this. I don't know. Maybe posting here was a bad idea. But, its been 14 months, so she probably doesn't even check here, and I doubt I'll be coming back to post. I only logged in today so I could reply to a post in someone else's blog, saw that someone had anonymously replied to my post in November 2007, I figured that this needed some closure, so that's what this is, I guess. This will be my final post here. I won't be checking for replies. I assume that, if JP does read this, she'll understand that its probably best if she doesn't contact me, and anyone else who I might want to hear from knows how to reach me, so I won't be checking for comments. If you want to leave one anyway, I won;t stop you.
I have not since tried to kill myself, and I'm not going to.
Goodbye.
-I stopped going to RIT. I took spring off, while going through a couple of part time jobs. I finally got a steady job unloading trucks at a department store, last July. It's low pressure, only a couple of times per week, and there's a good team of people who work there, so it suits me well.
-I enrolled in UAlbany, which is a lot closer to home for me than RIT was. I'm majoring in Computer Science there, with a minor in Applied Math, because UAlbany requires both a major and a minor. Still, classes are easier and less stressful than they were at RIT, at least a little.
-Over the summer, I got an apartment in Albany with Kevin and Jim. I always used to feel lonely, either in the dorms or at my house, so this helps with that. I've since learned that apartments have their own set of stresses, like rent, bills, food, and landlords, so I'm planning on living in the dorms at UAlbany next year, but its still been a good experience.
-I did try to kill myself last year, on March 5. It was a really bad Thursday, at the end of a really long week, during a really bad time for me. I'd gotten really upset, and felt that my life wasn't worth living, so I took a whole bunch of whatever pills I could find around the house, which, luckily, wasn't anything that could kill me, as it turns out. about 10 minutes later, I threw them all up, on purpose, and instead called up everyone I could think of, and told them what happened. Everyone, with one notable exception, which I'll get to later, was very supportive and understanding, and I'm lucky to have them as friends.
-Which brings me to JP. It seems that every time my depression takes a turn for the worse, she's at the core of it. Part of what prompted me to kill my self in March was a conversation I'd had with her, via IM. When I told her that I'd tried to kill myself, still via IM, she said... well, I don't even remember what she said. It's not like my mind was very clear at the moment. Anyways, what I remember from that was that I told her to fuck off, and that I hated her.
I really regret pushing her away as forcefully as I did, but I do feel that it was basically the right thing to do. I'm still not stable enough, when it comes to her, to try any sort of relationship. I still think about her, every day, and it still brings tears to my eyes. I don't know when that's going to stop, but my therapist tells me that it will, eventually. Experience shows that it's safer for me to have her completely missing from my life, so that's what I'm doing. I just wish I could let her know that I really don't hate her... But maybe she'll read this. I don't know. Maybe posting here was a bad idea. But, its been 14 months, so she probably doesn't even check here, and I doubt I'll be coming back to post. I only logged in today so I could reply to a post in someone else's blog, saw that someone had anonymously replied to my post in November 2007, I figured that this needed some closure, so that's what this is, I guess. This will be my final post here. I won't be checking for replies. I assume that, if JP does read this, she'll understand that its probably best if she doesn't contact me, and anyone else who I might want to hear from knows how to reach me, so I won't be checking for comments. If you want to leave one anyway, I won;t stop you.
I have not since tried to kill myself, and I'm not going to.
Goodbye.