Lord Of The Bums
If you live in Gainesville, chances are you have run across at least one of our many bums. I love those guys! They are a colorful and creative bunch. The stories they come up with are awesome, vivid and almost believable. Now don't get me wrong, I am a charitable guy, and love to be able to help people when I can. But it's hard to judge when people really need your money or are just blowing smoke up your ass to rip you off. Since I seem to be a favorite target of Bums, I have dubbed myself the Lord of the Bums. I alone hold the ring of fortune that can save the race of Bums. And if there is any doubt about my Lordship over the fate of bums let me present you with these three tales.
1) The Bum that talked to us outside the Architecture Building (we'll call him Charlie)
So Charlie is heading down campus and sees my sister, her friend and I. He figures were just like any other students and begins politely by asking us if he can "ask a question." (which is already a question itself, but we won't get into that) So we say yes and he begins to tell us about his day's misfortune. He tells us he is out of gas and he needs exactly $1.50 more to get just enough gas to get home. Now I had no money (that's a surprise) but my sister's friend did. So he gives him the only dollar he's got. But feels that his dollar is at least worth a moment of Charlie's time. So he cleverly asks, where are you parked? Charlie was not ready to answer questions, and so here is where the holes begin to show up in the story. After hesitating, he answers that he's parked over by University Ave. Phew! He got away on that one. Then we ask (out of interest) what kind of car he drives. This takes him a few moments to search the memory banks, but he surprisingly fires back with "an old VW beetle." Well, we figured that it was time to let this bum be on his merry way. My sister's friend finds the other 50 cents and gives it to him. Now happy and content he can get home. But then Charlie starts walking in the opposite direction of where his magical VW beetle is parked and waiting for $1.50 of gas to take him home. So we kindly point this out to him and get the answer "oh yeah, thanks, I almost forgot!" Ahh Charlie, how much fun we had, I hope that the money got you home in time to hang with your old pal Jack Daniels. Best of luck buddy.
2) The crack head that stopped me at the library. (We'll call him Crackie)
So I was done with some research at Library West (too bad that place closed) and was on my way out. Then from behind the shelves comes Crackie. He also begins with the standard "can I ask you a question?" deal. This after establishing that he wasan't some "crazy" person. I had to wait for the elevator, so he took that as a "yes, I'll listen to your crazy story." He begins to tell me that he and his brother (who was elsewhere) just got kicked out of their apartment and were in a bind. Some lady had told them that for $50 bucks she would give them a place to stay for the night. Now there are two things obviously wrong here already: First, I have no money (as usual) and second, Crackie had the nerve to ask for $50 bucks...and from a college student no less! Unfortunately I had to break the news that I couldn't help him out, and with this he said "naw man it's ok I'll find it somehow." Which didn't make me feel guilty, but rather amazed at Crackie's optimism. So he scampered off to find someone else, all the while continuing to scratch his many purple/infected sores from the needles he's not using. Because, as he said to me in the beginning "I'm not a crack-addict or nothin'." Well then Crackie, good luck to ya with that apartment thing, and don't worry, those sores will heal as soon as you quit sticking them with needles.
3) The Liquor store bum that sang to me. (We'll call him Leon)
So I was once again on a booze-run for some friends. We somehow made the dicision to hit up this tiny liquor store on University. I made the purchases easily enough, because it wasan't my money. Leon on the other hand was staking-out the place from the start, and thought he'd pounce on me knowing I would have change to spare. So as soon as I walk out of the store he starts free-stylin' some lyrics for me and my friends. Let me tell you something, Leon has it right baby! He didn't bother with some lame-ass story full of holes, he let the skills speak for itself. It was one of the funniest things I have seen in my life. So good in fact that I had to use my Ring of Power to help this bum out. We took most of the change and gave it to him. We were about to have a good time, and short of inviting Leon to the party, we gave it to him so he could have his good time too. Great Job Leon, keep on keepin' on bud.
So these are just a few of my tales, and if you were patient enough to read through all of it, then I say kudos to you oh valiant and brave reader. I hope everyone gets to experience the G-ville bums and their tales at least once in their lives. But know this, I am the Lord of the Bums, so if your a bum out there don't bother me unless you got something worthwhile like Leon. You da man!
1) The Bum that talked to us outside the Architecture Building (we'll call him Charlie)
So Charlie is heading down campus and sees my sister, her friend and I. He figures were just like any other students and begins politely by asking us if he can "ask a question." (which is already a question itself, but we won't get into that) So we say yes and he begins to tell us about his day's misfortune. He tells us he is out of gas and he needs exactly $1.50 more to get just enough gas to get home. Now I had no money (that's a surprise) but my sister's friend did. So he gives him the only dollar he's got. But feels that his dollar is at least worth a moment of Charlie's time. So he cleverly asks, where are you parked? Charlie was not ready to answer questions, and so here is where the holes begin to show up in the story. After hesitating, he answers that he's parked over by University Ave. Phew! He got away on that one. Then we ask (out of interest) what kind of car he drives. This takes him a few moments to search the memory banks, but he surprisingly fires back with "an old VW beetle." Well, we figured that it was time to let this bum be on his merry way. My sister's friend finds the other 50 cents and gives it to him. Now happy and content he can get home. But then Charlie starts walking in the opposite direction of where his magical VW beetle is parked and waiting for $1.50 of gas to take him home. So we kindly point this out to him and get the answer "oh yeah, thanks, I almost forgot!" Ahh Charlie, how much fun we had, I hope that the money got you home in time to hang with your old pal Jack Daniels. Best of luck buddy.
2) The crack head that stopped me at the library. (We'll call him Crackie)
So I was done with some research at Library West (too bad that place closed) and was on my way out. Then from behind the shelves comes Crackie. He also begins with the standard "can I ask you a question?" deal. This after establishing that he wasan't some "crazy" person. I had to wait for the elevator, so he took that as a "yes, I'll listen to your crazy story." He begins to tell me that he and his brother (who was elsewhere) just got kicked out of their apartment and were in a bind. Some lady had told them that for $50 bucks she would give them a place to stay for the night. Now there are two things obviously wrong here already: First, I have no money (as usual) and second, Crackie had the nerve to ask for $50 bucks...and from a college student no less! Unfortunately I had to break the news that I couldn't help him out, and with this he said "naw man it's ok I'll find it somehow." Which didn't make me feel guilty, but rather amazed at Crackie's optimism. So he scampered off to find someone else, all the while continuing to scratch his many purple/infected sores from the needles he's not using. Because, as he said to me in the beginning "I'm not a crack-addict or nothin'." Well then Crackie, good luck to ya with that apartment thing, and don't worry, those sores will heal as soon as you quit sticking them with needles.
3) The Liquor store bum that sang to me. (We'll call him Leon)
So I was once again on a booze-run for some friends. We somehow made the dicision to hit up this tiny liquor store on University. I made the purchases easily enough, because it wasan't my money. Leon on the other hand was staking-out the place from the start, and thought he'd pounce on me knowing I would have change to spare. So as soon as I walk out of the store he starts free-stylin' some lyrics for me and my friends. Let me tell you something, Leon has it right baby! He didn't bother with some lame-ass story full of holes, he let the skills speak for itself. It was one of the funniest things I have seen in my life. So good in fact that I had to use my Ring of Power to help this bum out. We took most of the change and gave it to him. We were about to have a good time, and short of inviting Leon to the party, we gave it to him so he could have his good time too. Great Job Leon, keep on keepin' on bud.
So these are just a few of my tales, and if you were patient enough to read through all of it, then I say kudos to you oh valiant and brave reader. I hope everyone gets to experience the G-ville bums and their tales at least once in their lives. But know this, I am the Lord of the Bums, so if your a bum out there don't bother me unless you got something worthwhile like Leon. You da man!