*people you love*
sister, hell yeah.
i have an apology though. it hurt so much talking to you from that fucking Subway in houston, because i had to make myself play the role of the guy going on a six-week bike trip. i wanted to do something impulsive, fuck it all, and i did. i came back less than a week later. what can i say? he and i were both tauruses.
i guess it's what i had to go through, but looking in his creepy eyes while talking to you was hard. he thinks he knows it all. i wanted to be in seattle with you, i didn't go. that's why i still haven't sewed the "trust your desires" patch onto anything.
but i still do trust them at times. have you read anything from crimethinc? i went dancing last night at a club with shiny stuff, bright colors & smiling people freaking to house music. i've started meditating. everything is meditating. people still scare me sometimes. not so much after a few hours of doing what i want. when i make eye contact with someone while one of us says something really true, it shakes me to the bone. it happens more & more often these days.
still smoking pot. still loving the smile the first hit puts on my face, still hating the jittery munchies three hours after going too deep. stenciling purple frogs on mattresses with the caption "jump on me," leaving them in parking lots. reading ADBUSTERS (that's why). still wanting to make music. recording ideas -- on paper. school is going really well, i'm in a native plants class. people in the class are envious of my grades, that's a really new & uncomfortable situation. meeting a plant (like Platanus occidentalis) is like meeting a person. i'd rather know the people better. 2nd half of the summer: studying for 3 standardized tests. oy.
i still coop myself up in a pale blue, expansive room and freeze from A/C while organizing papers I don't especially care about. still spread myself too thin, try to save everybody from everything, needing salvation myself. still forget to do favors. still conceptualize things as "favors." still force smiles. still answer vague questions complicated, you know, like "how are you?"
still come home late at night and smile. still get involved with older men & then break their hearts. still plan on getting buff someday.
i got my last check from the fundies yesterday. still no job in the real world. do i work for the people who pay more, but drug test & require that i grin like a fucking dog all day? or do i hunker down & work for the community place that would get me in the black slower? should i fuck it and squat / dumpster forever, risking becoming like the hobo Meditation Teacher who pushed his own alcoholic soul on mine like he was a guru? i'm selling my motherfucking life away hour by hour for "breaking a contract," for "racking up consumer debt," for "thinking i could leave my bike unlocked in my fucking back yard." oh, so this is why punks get mad.
life is pushing me in a slight punky direction, which is fucking odd because of the punker-than-you bullshit out there. hard remembering that ignoring bullshit of any type is the punkest thing of all, eh? you will not encounter the letters "p-u-n-k" in a non-music context from me from now on. all i know is that suddenly i keep my wallet on a chain, and i have water, pen & paper with me wherever i go, and i feel better when i don't give a fuck what anyone thinks, and i like getting free water bottles out of trash cans, and it's fun walking on top of cars that block crosswalks, and everybody's lives are totally fucked up by any -ism, especially capitalism, and i like to leave a bit of my soul in paint in public.
my urban studies adviser is sharp as a toothpick. he sheds bullshit like a duck when ducks forget not to stand underneath bulls. he's a duck that's taller than any bull. he shits on the bulls. he is my hero, and i know at least 10 people just like him.
power puff girls are bug-eyed badasses. succulent plants kick ass. it rained in texas for four days like it does in oregon. ate curry couscous out of a box. not vegan right now b/c of my competitive, obsessive side. white, khaki, olive, brown, black, red. 1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4. my heart is open. divine light is shining out of it. inhale, exhale. negative impressions leave my spine like puffs of smoke.
love,
i have an apology though. it hurt so much talking to you from that fucking Subway in houston, because i had to make myself play the role of the guy going on a six-week bike trip. i wanted to do something impulsive, fuck it all, and i did. i came back less than a week later. what can i say? he and i were both tauruses.
i guess it's what i had to go through, but looking in his creepy eyes while talking to you was hard. he thinks he knows it all. i wanted to be in seattle with you, i didn't go. that's why i still haven't sewed the "trust your desires" patch onto anything.
but i still do trust them at times. have you read anything from crimethinc? i went dancing last night at a club with shiny stuff, bright colors & smiling people freaking to house music. i've started meditating. everything is meditating. people still scare me sometimes. not so much after a few hours of doing what i want. when i make eye contact with someone while one of us says something really true, it shakes me to the bone. it happens more & more often these days.
still smoking pot. still loving the smile the first hit puts on my face, still hating the jittery munchies three hours after going too deep. stenciling purple frogs on mattresses with the caption "jump on me," leaving them in parking lots. reading ADBUSTERS (that's why). still wanting to make music. recording ideas -- on paper. school is going really well, i'm in a native plants class. people in the class are envious of my grades, that's a really new & uncomfortable situation. meeting a plant (like Platanus occidentalis) is like meeting a person. i'd rather know the people better. 2nd half of the summer: studying for 3 standardized tests. oy.
i still coop myself up in a pale blue, expansive room and freeze from A/C while organizing papers I don't especially care about. still spread myself too thin, try to save everybody from everything, needing salvation myself. still forget to do favors. still conceptualize things as "favors." still force smiles. still answer vague questions complicated, you know, like "how are you?"
still come home late at night and smile. still get involved with older men & then break their hearts. still plan on getting buff someday.
i got my last check from the fundies yesterday. still no job in the real world. do i work for the people who pay more, but drug test & require that i grin like a fucking dog all day? or do i hunker down & work for the community place that would get me in the black slower? should i fuck it and squat / dumpster forever, risking becoming like the hobo Meditation Teacher who pushed his own alcoholic soul on mine like he was a guru? i'm selling my motherfucking life away hour by hour for "breaking a contract," for "racking up consumer debt," for "thinking i could leave my bike unlocked in my fucking back yard." oh, so this is why punks get mad.
life is pushing me in a slight punky direction, which is fucking odd because of the punker-than-you bullshit out there. hard remembering that ignoring bullshit of any type is the punkest thing of all, eh? you will not encounter the letters "p-u-n-k" in a non-music context from me from now on. all i know is that suddenly i keep my wallet on a chain, and i have water, pen & paper with me wherever i go, and i feel better when i don't give a fuck what anyone thinks, and i like getting free water bottles out of trash cans, and it's fun walking on top of cars that block crosswalks, and everybody's lives are totally fucked up by any -ism, especially capitalism, and i like to leave a bit of my soul in paint in public.
my urban studies adviser is sharp as a toothpick. he sheds bullshit like a duck when ducks forget not to stand underneath bulls. he's a duck that's taller than any bull. he shits on the bulls. he is my hero, and i know at least 10 people just like him.
power puff girls are bug-eyed badasses. succulent plants kick ass. it rained in texas for four days like it does in oregon. ate curry couscous out of a box. not vegan right now b/c of my competitive, obsessive side. white, khaki, olive, brown, black, red. 1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4. my heart is open. divine light is shining out of it. inhale, exhale. negative impressions leave my spine like puffs of smoke.
love,