Not the way you meant it, not the way I mean it here and now. . .
It's funny really. I never really liked Freud or even thought that much about him. Basically, reading or discussing his works made me depressed because it was like he never had emotion, everything was just physical to him. Tonight was different for a bit though. When Rice was talking about his stuff and said "We all think we're immortal, you don't realize it, but if you realized you weren't immortal you wouldn't even leave the house, you'd just stay alone and cry that you might die all the time." I didn't think about it at the time she said it, but while I was sitting in Sociology, it really struck me how true it was.
I don't know what my life will be like after I graduate. I could end up homeless for all I know. I'm not worried though. I want to find out. Even if life sucks, I wanna stick it out and see what happens, because who knows? I'm going to NYC, yes, but for what really? To lay it out on the line, I want to do theater. I have never considered anything past "eh, that might be neat." to be quite honest. I doubt I'm good enough, but I have to give it a shot or I'm gonna regret it for my entire life. It's what I want more than anything really.
I was also thinking about my friends. Lately, it feels like I have no real friendships aside from 3 people: Traci, Meg, and Adrienne. Yes, Adrienne. I know it probably doesn't seem like it because of how random we are with each other, but it really goes deeper than randomness. That night at her house, after Ally had fallen asleep, we talked, like really talked, talked like we had never before and still haven't. We talked about everything and even why we are the way we are. Her dad, my mom, all the people we love and hate and miss. We held nothing back, and for the first time since we'd me each other, things were more genuine then ever before. Since then, I can connect with her so much more past out quirkiness.
Everyone else just doesn't feel right. Either I'm holding back or I feel like they are. I don't mean to sound selfish, but it feels more towards the latter. I want to be a better person and I want everything with everybody to be like that night with Adrienne, but it just doesn't work that way. That night was a mix of euphoria (due to sleep) and half-drunkenness (due to a lot of Coca-cola), but it still affected me. Everyone else is half who I feel they could really be. I just want to grab them and tell them to spit out whatever they aren't saying, but it scares me that it wouldn't be good if I knew.
It's ironic. I'm actually doing that with someone tomorrow. Tyler and I are going to try and get Marie to drop english. She isn't doing well in her classes and she isn't going to pass English. This class is demanding and she can't keep up with it. We're going to tell her that she needs to get her priorities in order and do what needs to be done. If she keeps on like this I don't even see how she'll be able to graduate at all. I try to be her friend, but it's like she just doesn't get how serious things are.
The main thing with the friendships thing that inspired this post was Traci though. With us in the parking lot, afterward I told her "I felt bad, I just didn't know what to say because I knew there was nothing to make you feel better." and she said she was sorry for putting my in that awkward situation. Yes, it was awkward, but it was real. That's what I want, reality. I don't want her (or anyone) to spare me just for 3 minutes of self-comfort. I want things like that because they're honest and they're real. You can't earn something like that, not consciously at least. It doesn't take a certain amount of time for that sort of thing (It took Meg about 6 years, Traci and Adrienne about 6 months). It just happens. I want it to happen, but it isn't something I can push or ask for, and it isn't something anyone can give me, it's something deep down inside. It doesn't have a name or a place or anything, it's just there. It's out of reach, but sometimes it lowers itself enough that I can grab it, and I never let it go.
Life throws things at you, but if you don't get up, it just gets worse, so I'm trying to just keep going.
I don't know what my life will be like after I graduate. I could end up homeless for all I know. I'm not worried though. I want to find out. Even if life sucks, I wanna stick it out and see what happens, because who knows? I'm going to NYC, yes, but for what really? To lay it out on the line, I want to do theater. I have never considered anything past "eh, that might be neat." to be quite honest. I doubt I'm good enough, but I have to give it a shot or I'm gonna regret it for my entire life. It's what I want more than anything really.
I was also thinking about my friends. Lately, it feels like I have no real friendships aside from 3 people: Traci, Meg, and Adrienne. Yes, Adrienne. I know it probably doesn't seem like it because of how random we are with each other, but it really goes deeper than randomness. That night at her house, after Ally had fallen asleep, we talked, like really talked, talked like we had never before and still haven't. We talked about everything and even why we are the way we are. Her dad, my mom, all the people we love and hate and miss. We held nothing back, and for the first time since we'd me each other, things were more genuine then ever before. Since then, I can connect with her so much more past out quirkiness.
Everyone else just doesn't feel right. Either I'm holding back or I feel like they are. I don't mean to sound selfish, but it feels more towards the latter. I want to be a better person and I want everything with everybody to be like that night with Adrienne, but it just doesn't work that way. That night was a mix of euphoria (due to sleep) and half-drunkenness (due to a lot of Coca-cola), but it still affected me. Everyone else is half who I feel they could really be. I just want to grab them and tell them to spit out whatever they aren't saying, but it scares me that it wouldn't be good if I knew.
It's ironic. I'm actually doing that with someone tomorrow. Tyler and I are going to try and get Marie to drop english. She isn't doing well in her classes and she isn't going to pass English. This class is demanding and she can't keep up with it. We're going to tell her that she needs to get her priorities in order and do what needs to be done. If she keeps on like this I don't even see how she'll be able to graduate at all. I try to be her friend, but it's like she just doesn't get how serious things are.
The main thing with the friendships thing that inspired this post was Traci though. With us in the parking lot, afterward I told her "I felt bad, I just didn't know what to say because I knew there was nothing to make you feel better." and she said she was sorry for putting my in that awkward situation. Yes, it was awkward, but it was real. That's what I want, reality. I don't want her (or anyone) to spare me just for 3 minutes of self-comfort. I want things like that because they're honest and they're real. You can't earn something like that, not consciously at least. It doesn't take a certain amount of time for that sort of thing (It took Meg about 6 years, Traci and Adrienne about 6 months). It just happens. I want it to happen, but it isn't something I can push or ask for, and it isn't something anyone can give me, it's something deep down inside. It doesn't have a name or a place or anything, it's just there. It's out of reach, but sometimes it lowers itself enough that I can grab it, and I never let it go.
Life throws things at you, but if you don't get up, it just gets worse, so I'm trying to just keep going.