We can't jump the tracks we're like cars on a cable
First things first. Screw LJ cuts.
It's odd really. I felt alright with the performance, and I felt alright with FEELING alright, because I know deep down it would have gone better with more rehearsal time, which we didn't have because of our schedules. But the moment somebody says I do bad, I'm convinced it sucked. Which isn't so bad considering sometimes things just DO suck, but when someone says I did good, I can't take it seriously. I just feel like it's something they're obligated to say as my friend or teacher or even complete stranger for the sake of courtesy and I don't know why. That's what I'm hoping to change. I keep taking the bad and blocking out the good that I forget how much the good actually overshadows the bad with so many different things. Traci was right, I was being a tad irrational, but at the same time, I'm kind of glad that I was because it led to me talking to her about things that I'm glad we talked about. This isn't then end of things. It never is. Looking back more intensely, I did have my moments where I thought "That was it, and that felt fantastic." it just happened to be with smaller stuff in class, not with the big scenes. Which is the funny thing, I've sort of been faking my way through that class in the sense that I put no real effort into scene/monologue choices. That's the end of it though, I need to put more into it if I want to get out of it the important things about it.
I hate this post because I'm really not good at putting my thoughts into real words, but this is pretty much it, just not very well elaborated. Get over it.
On another note, I assessed my entire relationship with my parents last night through just a few sentences:
Dad: How was school?
Me: It sucked ass
Dad: Oh okay (end of conversation)
Mom: How was school
Me: Terrible
Mom: Why?
Me: I don't want to talk about it.
Mom: Just tell me.
Me: No, if I wanted to tell you, I would have. (conversation goes on for another 10 minutes before she just lets it go)
My Dad lets me do what I want. I know he cares, but he's lax enough about everything to let me spread my wings and be myself. When I don't want to talk, he doesn't talk either. When I'm doing my homework, he doesn't bug me. When I'm sleeping after working a long day, he doesn't come near my room.
My Mom feels like she has to be a part of every little detail of my life and it annoys the hell out of me. I like keeping things to myself (or at least to me and a few friends, just not my parents). I like having my own thoughts and ideas and I like being free to do what I want with them. When I don't want to talk, my mom pushes until she gives up (thank god for my stubbornness). When I'm doing homework, she asks me to do 10 different chores around the house. When I'm sleeping after a long day, she comes in and wakes me up to ask a question that could have waited a few hours, she vacuums, she blasts the TV, she does it all. She doesn't care about who I am but she's still so nit-picky about it all that god forbid she doesn't know what's going on. I'm like my mother, and because of that, I can't stand her.
This is why I don't do things with my parents and I hate any sort of family gathering without my sisters. My dad works 5 days a week so that my mom is the only one home. I never do anything with my dad because my mom is always there, and that's why I never have a good time.
Last but not least (is that a word?), school is back on track. I managed to stay focused through my crappy state yesterday to get a lot done and I'm glad for that. I read, I wrote a paper, and I studied and actually remembered stuff. I can do this, I really can, just give me a chance to prove it and I swear I won't let you down.
I'm sorry for my moments and I feel kind of selfish for not accepting half the things that you all say to me. Several people in my life have changed me and made me who I am in so many ways I couldn't put it into words no matter how hard I tried. What you say affects me on the inside, I swear, so please don't stop. I want things to stay the way they are with everyone, but I want to be more real with you, as real as you all are with me. Give me some time to adjust, this thing called life still seems a bit new to me.
It's odd really. I felt alright with the performance, and I felt alright with FEELING alright, because I know deep down it would have gone better with more rehearsal time, which we didn't have because of our schedules. But the moment somebody says I do bad, I'm convinced it sucked. Which isn't so bad considering sometimes things just DO suck, but when someone says I did good, I can't take it seriously. I just feel like it's something they're obligated to say as my friend or teacher or even complete stranger for the sake of courtesy and I don't know why. That's what I'm hoping to change. I keep taking the bad and blocking out the good that I forget how much the good actually overshadows the bad with so many different things. Traci was right, I was being a tad irrational, but at the same time, I'm kind of glad that I was because it led to me talking to her about things that I'm glad we talked about. This isn't then end of things. It never is. Looking back more intensely, I did have my moments where I thought "That was it, and that felt fantastic." it just happened to be with smaller stuff in class, not with the big scenes. Which is the funny thing, I've sort of been faking my way through that class in the sense that I put no real effort into scene/monologue choices. That's the end of it though, I need to put more into it if I want to get out of it the important things about it.
I hate this post because I'm really not good at putting my thoughts into real words, but this is pretty much it, just not very well elaborated. Get over it.
On another note, I assessed my entire relationship with my parents last night through just a few sentences:
Dad: How was school?
Me: It sucked ass
Dad: Oh okay (end of conversation)
Mom: How was school
Me: Terrible
Mom: Why?
Me: I don't want to talk about it.
Mom: Just tell me.
Me: No, if I wanted to tell you, I would have. (conversation goes on for another 10 minutes before she just lets it go)
My Dad lets me do what I want. I know he cares, but he's lax enough about everything to let me spread my wings and be myself. When I don't want to talk, he doesn't talk either. When I'm doing my homework, he doesn't bug me. When I'm sleeping after working a long day, he doesn't come near my room.
My Mom feels like she has to be a part of every little detail of my life and it annoys the hell out of me. I like keeping things to myself (or at least to me and a few friends, just not my parents). I like having my own thoughts and ideas and I like being free to do what I want with them. When I don't want to talk, my mom pushes until she gives up (thank god for my stubbornness). When I'm doing homework, she asks me to do 10 different chores around the house. When I'm sleeping after a long day, she comes in and wakes me up to ask a question that could have waited a few hours, she vacuums, she blasts the TV, she does it all. She doesn't care about who I am but she's still so nit-picky about it all that god forbid she doesn't know what's going on. I'm like my mother, and because of that, I can't stand her.
This is why I don't do things with my parents and I hate any sort of family gathering without my sisters. My dad works 5 days a week so that my mom is the only one home. I never do anything with my dad because my mom is always there, and that's why I never have a good time.
Last but not least (is that a word?), school is back on track. I managed to stay focused through my crappy state yesterday to get a lot done and I'm glad for that. I read, I wrote a paper, and I studied and actually remembered stuff. I can do this, I really can, just give me a chance to prove it and I swear I won't let you down.
I'm sorry for my moments and I feel kind of selfish for not accepting half the things that you all say to me. Several people in my life have changed me and made me who I am in so many ways I couldn't put it into words no matter how hard I tried. What you say affects me on the inside, I swear, so please don't stop. I want things to stay the way they are with everyone, but I want to be more real with you, as real as you all are with me. Give me some time to adjust, this thing called life still seems a bit new to me.