who's skin is this design? i dont want this to be the way that you see me.
sometimes i wonder the difference between dreams and memories. these dreams feel like they should be more.
i had another last night. it was so real -- so surreal -- that i thought i could still feel his hands on my body when i woke. but his body wasn't molded to mine. i knew it was a pillow at my back, not the warmth of a boy i think i might be in love with.
i went to the bathroom and tried to chase away the dream with groggy hands and movements, but i still couldn't sleep. despite my body's utter exhaustion. i laid awake in bed for hours, digital clock faithfully ticking away the minutes in glowing red. i think i laid there long enough that it started to drive me mad. the tossing and turning, images and feelings from my most recent dream clouding my vision.
it didn't take much to make me give up, give in.
i did the only thing i knew i could do.
i rolled from bed and stumbled in the darkness, feet tangled in dirty laundry scattered across the floor. i found the phone on my desk and dialed max's phone number without needing to see the numbers on the little square pieces of plastic.
just needed to hear his voice. just once. once, and then i'd be okay. just hear him say hello and say my name and maybe i'd be alright.
max didn't pick up the phone.
Hello? i recognized the voice, almost. it only took me a moment to put the pieces together, though, and quickly figure out just who it was that happened to be home at the DeCandent house. artemis. max's brother. Hello? Who the hell is this? i could hear him moving around when i didn't answer. it was getting harder to breathe, but i couldn't hang up. MacLeish? Who the fuck is... listen, it's three in the fucking morning and I'm trying to sleep -- don't call again-- caller id. he must've gotten up to look at the caller id.
i slammed the phone back down into it's cradle, leaving him with a dial tone and a name, but not much else.
i stumbled back to the bed, tears sliding down my cheeks as i fell into bed. i felt more alone than i had in days. all i wanted was to hear him say my name.
i reached for the razor.
i knew i wasn't going to sleep that night.
i had another last night. it was so real -- so surreal -- that i thought i could still feel his hands on my body when i woke. but his body wasn't molded to mine. i knew it was a pillow at my back, not the warmth of a boy i think i might be in love with.
i went to the bathroom and tried to chase away the dream with groggy hands and movements, but i still couldn't sleep. despite my body's utter exhaustion. i laid awake in bed for hours, digital clock faithfully ticking away the minutes in glowing red. i think i laid there long enough that it started to drive me mad. the tossing and turning, images and feelings from my most recent dream clouding my vision.
it didn't take much to make me give up, give in.
i did the only thing i knew i could do.
i rolled from bed and stumbled in the darkness, feet tangled in dirty laundry scattered across the floor. i found the phone on my desk and dialed max's phone number without needing to see the numbers on the little square pieces of plastic.
just needed to hear his voice. just once. once, and then i'd be okay. just hear him say hello and say my name and maybe i'd be alright.
max didn't pick up the phone.
Hello? i recognized the voice, almost. it only took me a moment to put the pieces together, though, and quickly figure out just who it was that happened to be home at the DeCandent house. artemis. max's brother. Hello? Who the hell is this? i could hear him moving around when i didn't answer. it was getting harder to breathe, but i couldn't hang up. MacLeish? Who the fuck is... listen, it's three in the fucking morning and I'm trying to sleep -- don't call again-- caller id. he must've gotten up to look at the caller id.
i slammed the phone back down into it's cradle, leaving him with a dial tone and a name, but not much else.
i stumbled back to the bed, tears sliding down my cheeks as i fell into bed. i felt more alone than i had in days. all i wanted was to hear him say my name.
i reached for the razor.
i knew i wasn't going to sleep that night.