The downward spiral...
I just came inside. was out in my driveway all night since about midnight. I was talking to an old friend. A good friend. a guy who has never sugar coated anything in his entire life. he was real with me. he pointed out a lot of my flaws. things I always knew were true, but didnt want to admit. My paranoia, my constant anger, my negative outlook. I feel like I should just let all of you know, anyone who is reading this and I know exactly who is, that I am a fuckin mess. I have been through some bad shit, just as everyone has, and now react to certain things in a certain way because of my past. I do not know how to handle certain things and certain feelings. I am bitter. I dont want to be. But I am. at least some of the time. I dont want to hurt you. I dont want anything but happiness for you. Any of you. I hate being like this. I hate having these feelings. Im afraid of my past and I run from it. I run from anything that might cause me pain. I guess that makes me a coward. Truethfully, I am a coward. If sorry for every moment of the slightest bit of akwardness I have ever caused you. I guess that I have to just take a step back and rethink how I go about life. I honestly have a lot of trouble finding meaning in most things and when I do I cant handle it. The thought of a shred of happiness makes me feel so good that I get hooked on it like a drug. I need certain things to be a certain way and there not so I need to change them. Sounds easy enough right?? Of coarse not. The only thing I hope for at this moment as Im sitting here fighting the urge to close my eyes and sleep is that you understand. Understand that I am trying. Trying to make things right. Trying to make things better.