(no subject)
Jay bought me a dirt bike and full armored matching gear. We got up when it was still dark last weekend and loaded the bikes up to go riding. I fell off twice lol. I asked him if he'd take me skydiving and instead of saying no, he said he even knew a place to go. Why am I not surprised? So skydiving is on the to-do list this summer. At some point we need to stop at a shooting range because I still can't shoot for shit.
Every weekend is an adventure. He works hard and plays hard. I think I'm driving my family insane because I've always been such a low key mellow homebody with no life, and now I'm out wrecking dirt bikes and looking for a plane to jump out of.
After 30 years of wishing for death and just wanting my existence to be over with, I'm finally enjoying life. He's teaching me how to have fun and live life to its fullest. It never came naturally to me. I've always been surrounded by people who were miserable and obsessed over the imperfection of unimportant meaningless details. Not so anymore. Just fun. And love. An overabundance of love. My cup runneth over.
I don't have a super stable solid sense of self. I never really have. I don't have a lot of boundaries. My core is very small, the part of me that's unchanging. Whenever I'm in love with someone, they imprint on me. I pick up their habits and mannerisms. The things they care about become the things I care about. I go where they go, do what they do, love what they love, hate what they hate. I become what they want in a mate. I don't know if that's normal, but it's just how I am. I think that's why my marriage failed. The truth is, I just didn't love Cesar and couldn't do those things, and that's what he wanted. He wanted me to become perfect for him like I have with Jay. But I couldn't because that click never happened. With Jay, it's just easy. No arguing or fighting. No disagreements.
We were at a restaurant a few weeks ago. He hates mushrooms, and one of the appetizers was breaded deep fried mushrooms. His sister and I were like, "Seriously, even if you hate mushrooms, you have to try this, it's amazing. They don't even taste like regular mushrooms." Most people I've known would have stubbornly refused to open themselves up to new possibilities. "I hate mushrooms, period," would have been their response. But Jay looked skeptical and popped one in his mouth and ate it. I loved him for that. Just that he's willing to try new things and to be open to the possibility that what he knows as reality can alter and change. When he's presented with new information, he doesn't reject it just because it contradicts old information. He takes it all in and considers it. I've learned that's such an important characteristic to have if you want to have a successful relationship with someone. You have to be willing to change your mind and accept that everything you know might be wrong. And not have hard feelings about it. And he does. If I'm doing something, and he's like, "Why are you doing that? That makes no sense, you shouldn't be doing that." I stop and explain my reasoning and logic to him, and he thinks about it for a minute and then says, "I see your point. Okay, if we're going to do it that way, then we should probably also do this (insert improved suggestion for my idea)." No arguing. No ugliness. Just cooperation and helpfulness. We can laugh, joke, and have fun like best friends. We hang out together and go everywhere together. We talk on the phone every night, we see each other every day, and we have passionate and tender moments. He's very protective of me, and he's my alpha. I feel safe when I'm with him. I wish everyone could have this with someone.
Every weekend is an adventure. He works hard and plays hard. I think I'm driving my family insane because I've always been such a low key mellow homebody with no life, and now I'm out wrecking dirt bikes and looking for a plane to jump out of.
After 30 years of wishing for death and just wanting my existence to be over with, I'm finally enjoying life. He's teaching me how to have fun and live life to its fullest. It never came naturally to me. I've always been surrounded by people who were miserable and obsessed over the imperfection of unimportant meaningless details. Not so anymore. Just fun. And love. An overabundance of love. My cup runneth over.
I don't have a super stable solid sense of self. I never really have. I don't have a lot of boundaries. My core is very small, the part of me that's unchanging. Whenever I'm in love with someone, they imprint on me. I pick up their habits and mannerisms. The things they care about become the things I care about. I go where they go, do what they do, love what they love, hate what they hate. I become what they want in a mate. I don't know if that's normal, but it's just how I am. I think that's why my marriage failed. The truth is, I just didn't love Cesar and couldn't do those things, and that's what he wanted. He wanted me to become perfect for him like I have with Jay. But I couldn't because that click never happened. With Jay, it's just easy. No arguing or fighting. No disagreements.
We were at a restaurant a few weeks ago. He hates mushrooms, and one of the appetizers was breaded deep fried mushrooms. His sister and I were like, "Seriously, even if you hate mushrooms, you have to try this, it's amazing. They don't even taste like regular mushrooms." Most people I've known would have stubbornly refused to open themselves up to new possibilities. "I hate mushrooms, period," would have been their response. But Jay looked skeptical and popped one in his mouth and ate it. I loved him for that. Just that he's willing to try new things and to be open to the possibility that what he knows as reality can alter and change. When he's presented with new information, he doesn't reject it just because it contradicts old information. He takes it all in and considers it. I've learned that's such an important characteristic to have if you want to have a successful relationship with someone. You have to be willing to change your mind and accept that everything you know might be wrong. And not have hard feelings about it. And he does. If I'm doing something, and he's like, "Why are you doing that? That makes no sense, you shouldn't be doing that." I stop and explain my reasoning and logic to him, and he thinks about it for a minute and then says, "I see your point. Okay, if we're going to do it that way, then we should probably also do this (insert improved suggestion for my idea)." No arguing. No ugliness. Just cooperation and helpfulness. We can laugh, joke, and have fun like best friends. We hang out together and go everywhere together. We talk on the phone every night, we see each other every day, and we have passionate and tender moments. He's very protective of me, and he's my alpha. I feel safe when I'm with him. I wish everyone could have this with someone.