soooo pointless.
I find myself writing in this thing even though no one reads these anymore. That actually is a factor to why I do it, because no one will see it. I'm just writing to get things off my chest because I feel like if I don't I will definetly explode.
I've been an insomniac the past couple weeks. I've slept for about 30 hours maybe the past month. But when I do sleep, it's different. I've caught myself remembering my dreamsmore often. I never used to remember them, and even if I did it was usually about stupid or nothing in particular. But lately, they've all been the same... they consist of when I've finally snapped and I leave. Just get up and leave. Milledgeville. Matt. School. My life. Everything.
I don't know why. And it's driving me insane. Partially because I shouldn't have these thoughts, and partially because I have no one to talk to them about. Matt would freak out and go into "over protective Save Jackie" mode and never leave my side. I need space, so that's not an option right now. I could tell one of my girlfriends here, but I have a gut feeling it would get back to Matt and then he would have an accomplice in his "Save Jackie" campaign.
I don't need saving. I just need to figure my head out. And that requires time...that I don't have.
And besides, not many people know me. Sure, I can name a dozen people who I consider myself close to, that they know my eye color, my favorite candy, flower, drink, and hell even a few can tell you about my relationship with my parents. But none of them know my personality, or at least it seems this way. I'm good at this double personality thing. I can play the light hearted sorority girl no problem. It's nice sometimes, but I'm too "intense" for that to be all the time. I'm moody and irrational a lot of the time, and told way too many times I'm too mature for someone whose about leave their teen years behind them forever.
Which is why it's hard to talk about...no one understands why I'm mature or why I hold things in. A select few I can name I haven't spoken to in such a long time that they probably wouldn't give me the light of day. People who only know how I am because at one point they were as fucked up as I was.
I dream about leaving this all behind not because I'm not happy. Trust me, I'm estatic. I just crave something I don't have now. I'm not sure what that is, which is probably why in my dreams I don't know where I'm going. I crave something different. Different scenery, a change of pace, just over all a change because I've changed. I've changed a lot. And I'm not sure who I am anymore, or even if I like the person I'm becoming.
Half the time I feel like a zombie. I'm not doing well in school this semester and its partially because I haven't truly cared. I need to. I need to have my priorities straight, but honestly with the track my mind is on now, it feels pointless. What good is school if I'm just going to emotionally destory myself beyond repair?
I need time and space. Both of those are not on my side. I live with my boyfriend and three protective and very nosey fraternity boys. I love them, they're brothers to me, hence the protective and nosey-ness. But I hardly get time to myself to shower.
So that's my case. Out in the open, not specifically trying to keep it from anyone. Anyone can read it, think what they will and judge me for it. I'm not holding it from anyone, just making it harder to get to. This helps clear my mind a little. Just a little though.
Now that I've spilled my brain out at 2:30AM, I'll go keep myself occupied some how and wait for sleep to come or the morning, which ever will come first. I'm not sure which one I'm hoping for. I hope if someone does find this they're mildly entertained. My thoughts are a trainwreck and probably make no sense to anyone other than myself. But here they are, my thoughts. Chew them over. Have a nice night.
"Many things lost, but much gained. You never know what you had until it's gone, and you never know what you really want until you're alone. I haven't really change, but I'm not the same person. Being alone either makes you get wiser or just insane, but maybe both?"
"Fall in love or fall in hate. Get inspired or be depressed. Ace a test or flunk a class. Make babies or make art. Speak the truth or lie and cheat. Dance on tables or sit in the corner. Life is devine chaos. Embrace it, Forgive yourself. Breathe. And enjoy the ride..."