(no subject)
Gotta vent.
Things with Will just kinda shit the bed. Trying not to get bummed, but he lost interest it seems. re-reading my last post and feeling like an asshole. I always get so wrapped up in these guys and when I look at it in hindsight, I'm like Marcia Brady. Clueless
Blew off another Scruff date tonight. He was pissed. I felt lousy. I can't stop baiting guys. I don't care about dates, I don't care about hookups, I just crave the approval. Flirting and come-ons and sexy pics, I don't care if I never meet them in person, as long as I can keep them interested, it's all I want. Feel like shit about myself.
Not being entirely honest with this new guy Jeff. Feels like he's starting to get attached. I don't wanna be attached. I'm not sure when is good time for talkin about that. Will was at least pretty forthright about these touchy issues.
I'm not forthright at all. I wonder if I'm even ready for dating. there always seems to be some hesitance or ambivalence in my mind - is this my conscience? Part of me doesn't even believe in genuine love. It's always self-serving somehow, egocentric. I feel like I'm just playing my life out like psychodrama and these poor guys get mixed up with me, Damage, Inc.
I went on a coffee date with Darren 2 wks ago. Surreal. this was the guy I was completely OBSESSED with when I first got sober. So hard in my mind trying to separate Darren from DARREN. just coffee and a smooch - it was freezin outside that night and I was too self-conscious and awkward to really relax.
I might try one more time to see if he wants to hang out. Again, it was all about the validation for me. The one guy that I thought would never go for me asks me out. Kinda feels amazing, but also scary. Shows how fucked up my thinking is.
I feel lost lately, totally disconnected. this entry reads like I wrote it back in 2002. Uh oh .
Need to plug back into human race, too many headless torso profile pics, makin me feel rotten