And so it ends...
Summer 2004, the era of glorious dancing. But should it happen or not? I'm not sure. Well of course it was a time of great exuberance when all is well. But what did it make way for.
Fall of 2004, My b-boy optimism turned into a b-boy pessimism in which I wish to not dance simply to get better, for I dance simply for the sake of it. But that did not fare to well for I barely ever danced this time. I slowly drift away for a bit.
I wrote my college essay. I wanted to be a Renaisssance Man just like.. those Renaissance people =P. I express the will to power, working on that dancing only at night. I almost became nocturnal. I wanted to rely only on myself for when you're alone, you're on your own. The individual is his own world.I wanted to be as individualistic and unique as possible. What better way to express this uniqueness then to hurt yourself. Obviously you can't be absolutely unique but how many people do you find that hurts themselves?
Over time, I guess I lost some feeling of pain. But along with my body, my mind doesn't care much anymore. I do care, but I tend to suppress it. Which lead my into a feeling of self-destruction. Apathy might seem blissful but it doesn't lead to conceptual happiness. Or living a good life.
It's winter - spring 2005, I must say, I hate it here, I wanted to be a fisherman and move out. I rationalize that dad left because he hate it here too. Too common for a self-mutilating suicidal b-boy. (Suicidal meaning suicide b-boy moves =P). I wanted to finish that story in a freakin tropical island and then publish it and have everyone read it.
And so I graduated.. I'm still pretty apathetic. Nothing seem different except my hair patch.
It seem that I have recovered a tinsy bit from the apathetic phrase after summer ended. Only to enter a neurotic phase when all I wanted was to freakin be with someone. The problem is, I feel indifferent around everyone. Sort of. There are sometimes when I'm carelessly enjoying it but it seems less infrequent. My mind is always on conflict and I wish to tell everyone what I think but how should they respond?
Hey!
Wassup.
My aunt called the police on my mom!
oh.. ok..
Well posting on xanga is a good way without having them give a natural reaction. Or I can become drunk and say it all out. BUT WAIT, their is a high percent chance that people will dismiss me as an annoying crazy idiotic drunk and will probably not listen to me!
Well I wouldn't want that to happen now wouldn't I? ;D
Being drunk around people you just met was scary for me. How would a self-destructive suicidal "threatening" b-boy guy fair with Asians he just met. Yes, what better way to express uniqueness and hurt yourself when you're drunk around other drunks who is unsure of a self-destructive b-boy's motives who looks like a fucken red panda?
My current thoughts on 2005?
I feel devastated yet slightly content and other things... Devastated that this household is slow to recover. Content that I got a 3.7 for my GPA. Uncontent that I hate NOVA. Frustrated that I can't do anything by myself when my individualistic view from the year before contradicts what I actually do. Guilty that before, I wanted to get out of this place. Then listened to "Fort Minor - Where'd You Go." Now I feel obligated to rectify this mess. If I leave right now, I would feel irresponsible for simply leaving my mom here alone when my dad isn't here, I truly feel she is unable to be by herself. Wait for his ass to come back. Happy that you guys actually let me drink. Relieved that you guys saved me from the battlefield home for a bit.
It's quite odd that I am posting resolutions, is it considered celebrating a holiday?
Resolution - To change some of the above.
Fall of 2004, My b-boy optimism turned into a b-boy pessimism in which I wish to not dance simply to get better, for I dance simply for the sake of it. But that did not fare to well for I barely ever danced this time. I slowly drift away for a bit.
I wrote my college essay. I wanted to be a Renaisssance Man just like.. those Renaissance people =P. I express the will to power, working on that dancing only at night. I almost became nocturnal. I wanted to rely only on myself for when you're alone, you're on your own. The individual is his own world.I wanted to be as individualistic and unique as possible. What better way to express this uniqueness then to hurt yourself. Obviously you can't be absolutely unique but how many people do you find that hurts themselves?
Over time, I guess I lost some feeling of pain. But along with my body, my mind doesn't care much anymore. I do care, but I tend to suppress it. Which lead my into a feeling of self-destruction. Apathy might seem blissful but it doesn't lead to conceptual happiness. Or living a good life.
It's winter - spring 2005, I must say, I hate it here, I wanted to be a fisherman and move out. I rationalize that dad left because he hate it here too. Too common for a self-mutilating suicidal b-boy. (Suicidal meaning suicide b-boy moves =P). I wanted to finish that story in a freakin tropical island and then publish it and have everyone read it.
And so I graduated.. I'm still pretty apathetic. Nothing seem different except my hair patch.
It seem that I have recovered a tinsy bit from the apathetic phrase after summer ended. Only to enter a neurotic phase when all I wanted was to freakin be with someone. The problem is, I feel indifferent around everyone. Sort of. There are sometimes when I'm carelessly enjoying it but it seems less infrequent. My mind is always on conflict and I wish to tell everyone what I think but how should they respond?
Hey!
Wassup.
My aunt called the police on my mom!
oh.. ok..
Well posting on xanga is a good way without having them give a natural reaction. Or I can become drunk and say it all out. BUT WAIT, their is a high percent chance that people will dismiss me as an annoying crazy idiotic drunk and will probably not listen to me!
Well I wouldn't want that to happen now wouldn't I? ;D
Being drunk around people you just met was scary for me. How would a self-destructive suicidal "threatening" b-boy guy fair with Asians he just met. Yes, what better way to express uniqueness and hurt yourself when you're drunk around other drunks who is unsure of a self-destructive b-boy's motives who looks like a fucken red panda?
My current thoughts on 2005?
I feel devastated yet slightly content and other things... Devastated that this household is slow to recover. Content that I got a 3.7 for my GPA. Uncontent that I hate NOVA. Frustrated that I can't do anything by myself when my individualistic view from the year before contradicts what I actually do. Guilty that before, I wanted to get out of this place. Then listened to "Fort Minor - Where'd You Go." Now I feel obligated to rectify this mess. If I leave right now, I would feel irresponsible for simply leaving my mom here alone when my dad isn't here, I truly feel she is unable to be by herself. Wait for his ass to come back. Happy that you guys actually let me drink. Relieved that you guys saved me from the battlefield home for a bit.
It's quite odd that I am posting resolutions, is it considered celebrating a holiday?
Resolution - To change some of the above.