Apr 15, 2006 23:41
this weekend was supposed to be a time for me to sit and think. i cant sit still anymore. its hard to think about anything but what i don't want to. i look behind me way too often when i walk around, and anything past a certain distance i won't leave unless there are four wheels involved. heaven help me if i leave my cellphone ring on while i'm inside the house and have a heart attack when someone wants to go get dinner. i fall asleep clutching pillows and protestant kitties, dreaming of how skewed things are and how i wish i wouldnt have said it was all going too fast before, because it seems that way so much moreso recently. i feel like he can see me everywhere and i always want to hide. i shouldnt really be trying to. as fucked up and shocking some of the more present events have been, i refuse to become a small, reluctant person. i am little, perhaps, but tough as fucking nails. and its nice to have a couple good friends. i know i have a couple more that i didnt see this weekend. i don't want anymore drama. no more threats. no more crying because everyones gotta bring a broken heart into it like i'm unaware of what really happened. as far as quitting nicotine, this has been a hard time to do that. however, i'm keeping up with it sortof. and always making plans to do things to get my mind off. even though sometimes its harder than it should be.
i feel like a crackhead on rollerskates for the first time at age 29.