RPS J2 / R: JJ do WW: Celestial Navigation
Title: Jensen and Jared do the West Wing: Celestial Navigation
Genre: RPS J2
Rating: R - just a bad word or two
Word count: 2,000
Summary: Jensen drives Jared to a party. Jared just drives him crazy.
Notes: This just might be the dumbest idea I've ever had. In short, I started picturing Jensen and Jared re-enacting some classic, awesome West Wing scenes and this happened. There may or may not be more coming. Title from WW, cut from Seinfeld episode "The Gymnast."
Previously:
The Short List: Jared likes fish. If only Jensen knew what kind.
Shibboleth: They're bored and there are chickens.
It takes some arguing, but Jared finally relinquishes the keys to Jensen. They both have valid points - Jensen always gets too anxious and pissy when driving somewhere he doesn’t know; Jared doesn’t tend to keep his eyes on the road long enough for Jensen’s liking. But Jensen finally settles the matter with hard eyes and a straight mouth. “If I die in one of your accidents, so help me God, I will come back and haunt you. You will never be able to do a damned thing without seeing me looking at you like this.” Jensen points at his face, set hard and intense with no chance of wavering.
Jared smirks. “’Cause you love me, right? You can’t even part with me long enough for the afterlife.”
Jensen’s look stays put. Though his voice does get harder and rougher as he continues on with his argument. “In your sleep. In the mirror. The shower. When you jerk off.”
An eyebrow raise is the only reply, but Jensen continues to stare. Jared makes a point to adjust himself because the tone of Jensen’s words and the image of being watched while masturbating is an incredible turn on.
The face holds tight and stares at Jared. Jensen’s hand is out, palm flat.
Jared sighs and extends his hand with the keys. “Alright, whatever. You’re pissy today.”
*
Jensen learns rather quickly that Jared doesn’t have any good clue about where they’re heading. He tries. Oh, to his credit, he tries to give directions, but they don’t work out that great. He instructs Jensen to turn left at one of the first main intersections they reach. Then he has him going west on the interstate instead of east. And finally, he does his best to continue chattering on instead of actually, you know, giving directions.
“But he ate the thing out of the garbage! It was right there! On the top of the pile,” Jared laughs. “I don’t know why he could but you yell at me when I do it.”
“Jared,” Jensen starts flatly. He’s increasingly tired of arguing on whether or not the TV show Seinfeld dictates social norms. In spite of being constantly amused by the reruns, Jensen is firmly in the ‘does not’ category. “It was on a doily. Yours was not. Which isn’t even the real point,” he grumbles.
“Close enough. Paper towels.”
“That you’d just used to wipe down the counter.”
“That you’d just cleaned.”
“With soap.”
“Yeah.”
Jensen gives a quick glance. “You like soapy doughnuts?”
“What’s a little soap gonna do? Clean me?”
“Yeah, that’s not such a bad idea,” Jensen mumbles back.
“We really gonna stay all night? I was thinking we should grab some beer and just drink at home once the whole thing dies out.”
Jensen leans forward to watch the passing signs and try his best to ignore Jared. He thinks they’ve passed the exit. They’re already 30 minutes late for the party, which only makes Jensen more annoyed.
“Are we?” Jared asks.
“Are we what?”
“Staying all night?”
“Well, it’s more than an appearance.” Jensen keeps looking behind them to see what roads they’re passing.
“Really?”
“Yeah. Really.”
“I mean, I know she’s super proud of it all, but it’s a little weird, yes?”
Jensen chances a quick look at Jared, who’s just staring out the window like he’s not engaged in the conversation, even though the guy keeps talking and talking. And talking.
“It’s weird. It is. At least, I think it is.” Jared releases a light breath. “Weird.”
“I don’t think it is.”
“Your ex, who you dumped for a guy, is engaged.”
“Yeah,” he says simply.
“And we’re celebrating? Her gay ex and his big homo love. We’re going?”
“Yeah, Jared.” Jensen sighs enough to get his point across, because really, they’d discussed this all week. He and Danneel were still okay with each other and he was going to do anything to support her because he cared. Jared seemed okay with it before, but as the days flew by, he seemed to really questions Jensen’s judgment on the matter.
“I thought the plant was enough.”
“She likes us,” Jensen says absently while looking behind him for a brief moment. “Was that 43?”
“Okay, yeah, she does” Jared quickly says. “But not my point. I mean, Sandy likes us, too. But I’m not about to drag you off to the party where she celebrates that she found a guy who loves her enough to not change teams.”
Jensen shoots him an odd look.
“And now we have to be all cool and not act like it’s weird. Or that everyone else is looking at the two gays who ruined her life five years ago.”
“You’re an actor. You can pretend it’s normal.” After a second, Jensen says, “I think we missed the exit.”
“No, we didn’t.”
“Yeah. We did. That was 43 and we wanted 121. Are we even on the right road?”
“Yes, I told you. It’s past Huntersville.”
Jensen looks at him strangely. “Do you even know where we’re going?”
“Yes.”
“Why do I not believe you?”
Jared responds easily, “Because you’re a jerk who likes to tell me when I’m wrong.”
Jensen’s a bit distracted in trying to change lanes and move around a particularly slow moving car. But not so distracted that he can’t answer. “Yeah, that I do.”
*
It’s another 20 minutes when Jensen answers his phone with a sigh. “Yeah, I know.”
“You’re not here. It’s been like two hours and you’re not here.”
“Dan - ”
“Can you guys really not leave the house long enough to visit other people? I know this is the craziest thing I’ve asked of you, but it’s kind of important, too.”
Jensen winces. “Yeah, I know. It’s just -”
“Who’s that?” Jared asks.
“Dannneel.”
Jared leans closer to Jensen and yells obnoxiously, “Hey, Dani!”
“Jesus,” she grumbles. “Will you get here already?”
“We’re trying, but we’re lost.”
“You’ve been here before. What’s the problem?”
“Yeah, but I didn’t drive.”
“So?”
“Jared drove. The problem is Jared doesn’t remember.”
Jared butts in, “Did she say hi back? She did that, right?”
Jensen shoots him a look, but says to Danneel. “We’re lost.”
“We are not lost, Dani!” Jared yells back. Then he talks lower to Jensen. “We just have to keep going east.”
Jensen moves the phone away from his mouth so he’s not talking too loudly into the speaker. “We’re going east?”
“Yeah.”
“How’s that? I was on 51 north.”
“I know shit.”
“Like what?”
“That the road goes northeast,” he replies with a ‘duh’ quality.
“Really?”
“Yeah.” Jared points ahead of them. “That’s east. The sun goes that way.”
“It’s dark outside.”
“Yeah, but I know it went that way. Plus, that up there?” Jared leans forward and taps his finger at a high point in the windshield. “Polaris.”
“What?”
“It’s a star, asshole.”
Jensen sighs. “Yeah, okay, what about it?”
“Celestial navigation.”
“You’re fucking kidding me.”
“What?”
“You’re navigating us by the stars?”
“You like to think I don’t know much, but I know a lot.”
Jensen pulls the phone back to him. “Yeah, I don’t think we’re gonna make it.”
*
Another 30 minutes later and Jensen’s cursing Jared out in his head. Going over the fact that he’s gotten them lost. But really, Jensen’s pissed at himself for not looking up the directions himself, trusting that Jared knew that the bar holding the party was just 10 miles from Chad’s place, so he knew where to go. On top of the fact that the last time they were there, Jared drove home when Jensen got himself a little too intoxicated to drive (or rather, Jared got him too drunk).
“So, at what point would you be okay with my eating something from the can? I mean, where are your limits to which you won’t make fun of me?”
“Huh?”
“What if it’s like a burrito that’s mostly tucked into its wrapper? Or if I ate a hot dog out of the bun? That’s what got dirty. The bun was gross, but I ate the dog?” Jensen doesn’t make any move like he’s going to answer, so Jared continues. “What if the doughnut was on a paper bag? Or if there’s only half a sandwich and a plastic bag at the bottom? Hardly anything in there. That okay?”
Jensen takes a deep breath. “There is absolutely nothing in what you just said that I am okay with.”
“Well, which is less bad?”
“I am not contemplating any of those options.”
“Okay, but if you had to choose.”
Jensen pushes his elbow against the window and rests his head against his hand. He’s doing his best to not look at Jared. Partly because he doesn’t want to miss their exit but also because he really cannot stand Jared at the moment. “Why do I have to choose?”
“It’s a game. Humor me.”
Jensen sighs.
“C’mon,” Jared whines. “Why can you not just choose?”
Another sigh, but he finally answers. “Because my mouth goes on your mouth. I don’t want to think about my having to eat from the garbage can.”
“Huh.”
Jensen finally looks at Jared, who’s looking interested.
“I didn’t think about it like that.”
“Thank you,” Jensen says with part annoyance and part meaning. He smiles a little, too. Because he’s glad Jared can finally see why it’s gross. But then his phone is ringing and he’s frowning. “Yeah, I know.”
“I don’t get it. This place isn’t that hard to find. It’s in the District ”
He sighs but then turns his phone to speaker. “Jared?” he says with a tight bit of humor. “You care to tell Dani why we aren’t there yet?”
Jared leans closer to the phone. “We’re getting there.”
“Like in the next week?” she asks.
“Oh, definitely before the end of the week. Jensen’s just too nervous to drive faster than 45”
“Likely story.”
“We’re zeroing in on it, don’t worry.”
Jensen looks up. “We’re zeroing in?”
“Yeah.” Jared points out his window. “This looks familiar.”
“You gays have shit for direction,” and she hangs up.
“Hey, why don’t you stop up there?” Jared points again. This time to a brick building that starts up a strip of restaurants and clothing stores. “I’ll ask where we’re at.”
“You’re going to ask where we are?”
“Yeah. It’s the least I could do, right?”
Jensen raises an eyebrow then smirks a little as he pulls into a spot a block down from the red brick Jared saw. “Why don’t we just stop here?”
Jared looks up to Jensen, who’s looking out past the window. “Huh,” he says with a smile.
“Yeah.”
“We found it!”
Jensen’s mouth twitches as he tries to not smile at Jared’s excitement. “Yeah.”
“Told you we were zeroing in on it.”
“Yeah,” Jensen says as he’s getting out of the car. When he circles around to the sidewalk, he sees Jared standing a little stiff and staring up at the sign for the bar. “Good?”
Jared’s eyes narrow. Not much, but enough that Jensen notices. “Yeah.”
“Sure?”
“You … don’t …” Then he shakes his head and steels himself to walk to the door.
Jensen’s hand goes to his chest to stop him from passing. The fingers graze over Jared’s shirt so they can hold him at his waist. “It’s fine.”
“Yeah?”
“It’s not weird,” Jensen says.
“Really? Because everyone knows you gave up her breasts for me.”
“Yeah.”
“She has pretty good ones.”
“Yeah.”
Jared nods a little. “And I don’t.”
“I’m really okay with that.”
“That I don’t have breasts or that everyone knows?”
Jensen shrugs with the thought. “A little of both.”
Jared still looks unsure, but they both know when his mouth turns up into a small smile.
With his hand still holding Jared at the hip, Jensen leans up to kiss him. It’s not long and it’s not obscene. It’s the right amount of pressure to say ‘It’ll be fine’ and settle Jared’s nerves. As Jensen turns to the bar, he says gently, “Try not to eat anything off the floor.”
“What about the five-second rule?”
Genre: RPS J2
Rating: R - just a bad word or two
Word count: 2,000
Summary: Jensen drives Jared to a party. Jared just drives him crazy.
Notes: This just might be the dumbest idea I've ever had. In short, I started picturing Jensen and Jared re-enacting some classic, awesome West Wing scenes and this happened. There may or may not be more coming. Title from WW, cut from Seinfeld episode "The Gymnast."
Previously:
The Short List: Jared likes fish. If only Jensen knew what kind.
Shibboleth: They're bored and there are chickens.
It takes some arguing, but Jared finally relinquishes the keys to Jensen. They both have valid points - Jensen always gets too anxious and pissy when driving somewhere he doesn’t know; Jared doesn’t tend to keep his eyes on the road long enough for Jensen’s liking. But Jensen finally settles the matter with hard eyes and a straight mouth. “If I die in one of your accidents, so help me God, I will come back and haunt you. You will never be able to do a damned thing without seeing me looking at you like this.” Jensen points at his face, set hard and intense with no chance of wavering.
Jared smirks. “’Cause you love me, right? You can’t even part with me long enough for the afterlife.”
Jensen’s look stays put. Though his voice does get harder and rougher as he continues on with his argument. “In your sleep. In the mirror. The shower. When you jerk off.”
An eyebrow raise is the only reply, but Jensen continues to stare. Jared makes a point to adjust himself because the tone of Jensen’s words and the image of being watched while masturbating is an incredible turn on.
The face holds tight and stares at Jared. Jensen’s hand is out, palm flat.
Jared sighs and extends his hand with the keys. “Alright, whatever. You’re pissy today.”
*
Jensen learns rather quickly that Jared doesn’t have any good clue about where they’re heading. He tries. Oh, to his credit, he tries to give directions, but they don’t work out that great. He instructs Jensen to turn left at one of the first main intersections they reach. Then he has him going west on the interstate instead of east. And finally, he does his best to continue chattering on instead of actually, you know, giving directions.
“But he ate the thing out of the garbage! It was right there! On the top of the pile,” Jared laughs. “I don’t know why he could but you yell at me when I do it.”
“Jared,” Jensen starts flatly. He’s increasingly tired of arguing on whether or not the TV show Seinfeld dictates social norms. In spite of being constantly amused by the reruns, Jensen is firmly in the ‘does not’ category. “It was on a doily. Yours was not. Which isn’t even the real point,” he grumbles.
“Close enough. Paper towels.”
“That you’d just used to wipe down the counter.”
“That you’d just cleaned.”
“With soap.”
“Yeah.”
Jensen gives a quick glance. “You like soapy doughnuts?”
“What’s a little soap gonna do? Clean me?”
“Yeah, that’s not such a bad idea,” Jensen mumbles back.
“We really gonna stay all night? I was thinking we should grab some beer and just drink at home once the whole thing dies out.”
Jensen leans forward to watch the passing signs and try his best to ignore Jared. He thinks they’ve passed the exit. They’re already 30 minutes late for the party, which only makes Jensen more annoyed.
“Are we?” Jared asks.
“Are we what?”
“Staying all night?”
“Well, it’s more than an appearance.” Jensen keeps looking behind them to see what roads they’re passing.
“Really?”
“Yeah. Really.”
“I mean, I know she’s super proud of it all, but it’s a little weird, yes?”
Jensen chances a quick look at Jared, who’s just staring out the window like he’s not engaged in the conversation, even though the guy keeps talking and talking. And talking.
“It’s weird. It is. At least, I think it is.” Jared releases a light breath. “Weird.”
“I don’t think it is.”
“Your ex, who you dumped for a guy, is engaged.”
“Yeah,” he says simply.
“And we’re celebrating? Her gay ex and his big homo love. We’re going?”
“Yeah, Jared.” Jensen sighs enough to get his point across, because really, they’d discussed this all week. He and Danneel were still okay with each other and he was going to do anything to support her because he cared. Jared seemed okay with it before, but as the days flew by, he seemed to really questions Jensen’s judgment on the matter.
“I thought the plant was enough.”
“She likes us,” Jensen says absently while looking behind him for a brief moment. “Was that 43?”
“Okay, yeah, she does” Jared quickly says. “But not my point. I mean, Sandy likes us, too. But I’m not about to drag you off to the party where she celebrates that she found a guy who loves her enough to not change teams.”
Jensen shoots him an odd look.
“And now we have to be all cool and not act like it’s weird. Or that everyone else is looking at the two gays who ruined her life five years ago.”
“You’re an actor. You can pretend it’s normal.” After a second, Jensen says, “I think we missed the exit.”
“No, we didn’t.”
“Yeah. We did. That was 43 and we wanted 121. Are we even on the right road?”
“Yes, I told you. It’s past Huntersville.”
Jensen looks at him strangely. “Do you even know where we’re going?”
“Yes.”
“Why do I not believe you?”
Jared responds easily, “Because you’re a jerk who likes to tell me when I’m wrong.”
Jensen’s a bit distracted in trying to change lanes and move around a particularly slow moving car. But not so distracted that he can’t answer. “Yeah, that I do.”
*
It’s another 20 minutes when Jensen answers his phone with a sigh. “Yeah, I know.”
“You’re not here. It’s been like two hours and you’re not here.”
“Dan - ”
“Can you guys really not leave the house long enough to visit other people? I know this is the craziest thing I’ve asked of you, but it’s kind of important, too.”
Jensen winces. “Yeah, I know. It’s just -”
“Who’s that?” Jared asks.
“Dannneel.”
Jared leans closer to Jensen and yells obnoxiously, “Hey, Dani!”
“Jesus,” she grumbles. “Will you get here already?”
“We’re trying, but we’re lost.”
“You’ve been here before. What’s the problem?”
“Yeah, but I didn’t drive.”
“So?”
“Jared drove. The problem is Jared doesn’t remember.”
Jared butts in, “Did she say hi back? She did that, right?”
Jensen shoots him a look, but says to Danneel. “We’re lost.”
“We are not lost, Dani!” Jared yells back. Then he talks lower to Jensen. “We just have to keep going east.”
Jensen moves the phone away from his mouth so he’s not talking too loudly into the speaker. “We’re going east?”
“Yeah.”
“How’s that? I was on 51 north.”
“I know shit.”
“Like what?”
“That the road goes northeast,” he replies with a ‘duh’ quality.
“Really?”
“Yeah.” Jared points ahead of them. “That’s east. The sun goes that way.”
“It’s dark outside.”
“Yeah, but I know it went that way. Plus, that up there?” Jared leans forward and taps his finger at a high point in the windshield. “Polaris.”
“What?”
“It’s a star, asshole.”
Jensen sighs. “Yeah, okay, what about it?”
“Celestial navigation.”
“You’re fucking kidding me.”
“What?”
“You’re navigating us by the stars?”
“You like to think I don’t know much, but I know a lot.”
Jensen pulls the phone back to him. “Yeah, I don’t think we’re gonna make it.”
*
Another 30 minutes later and Jensen’s cursing Jared out in his head. Going over the fact that he’s gotten them lost. But really, Jensen’s pissed at himself for not looking up the directions himself, trusting that Jared knew that the bar holding the party was just 10 miles from Chad’s place, so he knew where to go. On top of the fact that the last time they were there, Jared drove home when Jensen got himself a little too intoxicated to drive (or rather, Jared got him too drunk).
“So, at what point would you be okay with my eating something from the can? I mean, where are your limits to which you won’t make fun of me?”
“Huh?”
“What if it’s like a burrito that’s mostly tucked into its wrapper? Or if I ate a hot dog out of the bun? That’s what got dirty. The bun was gross, but I ate the dog?” Jensen doesn’t make any move like he’s going to answer, so Jared continues. “What if the doughnut was on a paper bag? Or if there’s only half a sandwich and a plastic bag at the bottom? Hardly anything in there. That okay?”
Jensen takes a deep breath. “There is absolutely nothing in what you just said that I am okay with.”
“Well, which is less bad?”
“I am not contemplating any of those options.”
“Okay, but if you had to choose.”
Jensen pushes his elbow against the window and rests his head against his hand. He’s doing his best to not look at Jared. Partly because he doesn’t want to miss their exit but also because he really cannot stand Jared at the moment. “Why do I have to choose?”
“It’s a game. Humor me.”
Jensen sighs.
“C’mon,” Jared whines. “Why can you not just choose?”
Another sigh, but he finally answers. “Because my mouth goes on your mouth. I don’t want to think about my having to eat from the garbage can.”
“Huh.”
Jensen finally looks at Jared, who’s looking interested.
“I didn’t think about it like that.”
“Thank you,” Jensen says with part annoyance and part meaning. He smiles a little, too. Because he’s glad Jared can finally see why it’s gross. But then his phone is ringing and he’s frowning. “Yeah, I know.”
“I don’t get it. This place isn’t that hard to find. It’s in the District ”
He sighs but then turns his phone to speaker. “Jared?” he says with a tight bit of humor. “You care to tell Dani why we aren’t there yet?”
Jared leans closer to the phone. “We’re getting there.”
“Like in the next week?” she asks.
“Oh, definitely before the end of the week. Jensen’s just too nervous to drive faster than 45”
“Likely story.”
“We’re zeroing in on it, don’t worry.”
Jensen looks up. “We’re zeroing in?”
“Yeah.” Jared points out his window. “This looks familiar.”
“You gays have shit for direction,” and she hangs up.
“Hey, why don’t you stop up there?” Jared points again. This time to a brick building that starts up a strip of restaurants and clothing stores. “I’ll ask where we’re at.”
“You’re going to ask where we are?”
“Yeah. It’s the least I could do, right?”
Jensen raises an eyebrow then smirks a little as he pulls into a spot a block down from the red brick Jared saw. “Why don’t we just stop here?”
Jared looks up to Jensen, who’s looking out past the window. “Huh,” he says with a smile.
“Yeah.”
“We found it!”
Jensen’s mouth twitches as he tries to not smile at Jared’s excitement. “Yeah.”
“Told you we were zeroing in on it.”
“Yeah,” Jensen says as he’s getting out of the car. When he circles around to the sidewalk, he sees Jared standing a little stiff and staring up at the sign for the bar. “Good?”
Jared’s eyes narrow. Not much, but enough that Jensen notices. “Yeah.”
“Sure?”
“You … don’t …” Then he shakes his head and steels himself to walk to the door.
Jensen’s hand goes to his chest to stop him from passing. The fingers graze over Jared’s shirt so they can hold him at his waist. “It’s fine.”
“Yeah?”
“It’s not weird,” Jensen says.
“Really? Because everyone knows you gave up her breasts for me.”
“Yeah.”
“She has pretty good ones.”
“Yeah.”
Jared nods a little. “And I don’t.”
“I’m really okay with that.”
“That I don’t have breasts or that everyone knows?”
Jensen shrugs with the thought. “A little of both.”
Jared still looks unsure, but they both know when his mouth turns up into a small smile.
With his hand still holding Jared at the hip, Jensen leans up to kiss him. It’s not long and it’s not obscene. It’s the right amount of pressure to say ‘It’ll be fine’ and settle Jared’s nerves. As Jensen turns to the bar, he says gently, “Try not to eat anything off the floor.”
“What about the five-second rule?”