hi hi!!1
Long time no ... talk? type? certainly not see, eh?
So a few new things have popped up lately that have been pretty good:
> new boss is lovely and supportive and works from home, which means I can on occasion without judgement
> insomnia is finally under control thanks to ambien and more regular weekend sleep schedules
> i've joined the gym with my brother and go a few times a week - just walking, nothing special, but always at least 30 minutes, sometimes 60
> also eating better - again, nothing huge of a change, but enough to make smarter choices
> all of this combines to my mood being fantastically different than it was over the last few months*
> just yesterday found out my annual review was rated 'exceptional,' and i received a promotion and raise!
*To be honest, for most of the time since September, I was feeling rather miserable. I don't remember who I talked to or how much, but at Chicon last year, I had a bit of a breakdown when someone asked Jared about coping with mental illness. His answer was very lovely about having a support system and that he went to his family when he needed it ... and I just fell apart mentally, remember how rough the last few years have been for me, yet my family is always focused on something else or don't take me seriously when I talk about how I feel. So I felt pretty lonely for a long while and kept a lot in. In January I had another break down when my insomnia was terrible and affecting my work in awful ways (like sleeping through the day, claiming to work from home but not doing anything for days, having to work entire weekends to catch up on deadlines, etc.).
I wound up finally opening up to my new boss, a coworker, and a few other people. I was welcomed with open arms and loving support ... when I had been absolutely anxious about judgment. When I told my counselor how shocked I was by their response and their being supportive, she said 'because you let them be.' So lately, I've tried to be more open and honest about my feelings. I've been making semi-regular Facebook posts about it ... like 'if you ever wondered what highly functioning anxiety looks like ...' and describing my day, where my brain runs wild for no good reason. I've been happily surprised by the responses of folks either empathizing with 'I could have written this post' or being supportive with 'I'm always here if you need anything' or 'you're so amazingly strong, I love you' type of responses. Ever since then, my mood has improved exponentially.
I also accept that my eating better, exercising, etc., are helping. It's a bit like the chicken or the egg ... did my mood start to improve so I started doing all these things, or did my doing these things improve my mood? Either way, I've felt far better than I have in a few years and am learning to A) celebrate all my baby steps, each day, all the time; B) give myself a break when I don't make "the best" decisions; and C) support everyone else around me - because I love spreading the love when I'm in these moods, and how can I say I don't feel supported if I'm not trying to pay it forward?
ANYWAY! That's the big things going on with me, basically.
Well.
There may be one new development.
I can't explain it.
I have no good reason.
But uh ...
APPARENTLY I AM NOW IN LOVE WITH JARED PADALECKI.
I mean, I probably have been for a long while, but haven't let myself say it? I've been dreaming quite regularly about him ... and if Jensen is ever in the dream, too, he's usually really cold-cool and uninterested in whatever is going on, whereas there is always some sort of sweet moments with Jared.
IDEK.
ALSO APPARENTLY I REALLY LIKE SAM WINCHESTER NOW????????????????????
HE'S JUST BEEN REALLY GOOD THIS SEASON? LIKE, I'M REALLY ENJOYING HIM???????
I honestly think Sam/Jared has had some really amazing moments this season. And I feel like based on how he's managing/working through his own issues, like there's a newfound confidence in both of them??? Am I the only one seeing this?
Maybe it's just the hair? Because he's got really good hair this year.
I'll blame it on the hair.
So a few new things have popped up lately that have been pretty good:
> new boss is lovely and supportive and works from home, which means I can on occasion without judgement
> insomnia is finally under control thanks to ambien and more regular weekend sleep schedules
> i've joined the gym with my brother and go a few times a week - just walking, nothing special, but always at least 30 minutes, sometimes 60
> also eating better - again, nothing huge of a change, but enough to make smarter choices
> all of this combines to my mood being fantastically different than it was over the last few months*
> just yesterday found out my annual review was rated 'exceptional,' and i received a promotion and raise!
*To be honest, for most of the time since September, I was feeling rather miserable. I don't remember who I talked to or how much, but at Chicon last year, I had a bit of a breakdown when someone asked Jared about coping with mental illness. His answer was very lovely about having a support system and that he went to his family when he needed it ... and I just fell apart mentally, remember how rough the last few years have been for me, yet my family is always focused on something else or don't take me seriously when I talk about how I feel. So I felt pretty lonely for a long while and kept a lot in. In January I had another break down when my insomnia was terrible and affecting my work in awful ways (like sleeping through the day, claiming to work from home but not doing anything for days, having to work entire weekends to catch up on deadlines, etc.).
I wound up finally opening up to my new boss, a coworker, and a few other people. I was welcomed with open arms and loving support ... when I had been absolutely anxious about judgment. When I told my counselor how shocked I was by their response and their being supportive, she said 'because you let them be.' So lately, I've tried to be more open and honest about my feelings. I've been making semi-regular Facebook posts about it ... like 'if you ever wondered what highly functioning anxiety looks like ...' and describing my day, where my brain runs wild for no good reason. I've been happily surprised by the responses of folks either empathizing with 'I could have written this post' or being supportive with 'I'm always here if you need anything' or 'you're so amazingly strong, I love you' type of responses. Ever since then, my mood has improved exponentially.
I also accept that my eating better, exercising, etc., are helping. It's a bit like the chicken or the egg ... did my mood start to improve so I started doing all these things, or did my doing these things improve my mood? Either way, I've felt far better than I have in a few years and am learning to A) celebrate all my baby steps, each day, all the time; B) give myself a break when I don't make "the best" decisions; and C) support everyone else around me - because I love spreading the love when I'm in these moods, and how can I say I don't feel supported if I'm not trying to pay it forward?
ANYWAY! That's the big things going on with me, basically.
Well.
There may be one new development.
I can't explain it.
I have no good reason.
But uh ...
APPARENTLY I AM NOW IN LOVE WITH JARED PADALECKI.
I mean, I probably have been for a long while, but haven't let myself say it? I've been dreaming quite regularly about him ... and if Jensen is ever in the dream, too, he's usually really cold-cool and uninterested in whatever is going on, whereas there is always some sort of sweet moments with Jared.
IDEK.
ALSO APPARENTLY I REALLY LIKE SAM WINCHESTER NOW????????????????????
HE'S JUST BEEN REALLY GOOD THIS SEASON? LIKE, I'M REALLY ENJOYING HIM???????
I honestly think Sam/Jared has had some really amazing moments this season. And I feel like based on how he's managing/working through his own issues, like there's a newfound confidence in both of them??? Am I the only one seeing this?
Maybe it's just the hair? Because he's got really good hair this year.
I'll blame it on the hair.