M2 | Roll Me Over Romeo
Title: Roll Me Over Romeo
Rating:: R - language
Words: 4,300
Pairing: Mike Rosenbaum/Misha Collins, with appearances by Tom and Jamie Welling, Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki, Danneel Harris and CHAD! MICHAEL! MURRAY!
Summary: Mike's not so lucky in the dating game, and it only seems to get worse when his friends sign him up for a dating service.
Notes: Written for caarirose for m2_homegoods First Annual Fic Exchange. Based on her prompt "Do I have a guy for you!" Heh. Owe thanks to neros_violin for beta and itskaylie for the animal references. Title from Van Morrison's "Domino."
Mike had been on 23 first dates in 12 months. Twenty-three embarrassing, long, tormenting, disappointing dates. There had been a dozen second dates, a handful of thirds, and he had pretty much decided to cut off his arm before trying a fourth.
Whether the guys were found at bars, at the gym, set up through friends, or randomly bumped into at the local coffee shop, they just weren’t ever quite right. There were just-out-of-college lackeys with no direction. Bartenders and waiters who didn’t wake before two in the afternoon. Golf pros looking for the next rendezvous in between lessons.
Tom and Jamie were sympathetic if not concerned.
“What about that guy from the store?” she asked while placing a cup of coffee in front of Mike.
“Which one?”
“The one with the tattoo on the wrist?” Tom asked while looking between them.
“Oh, right,” Mike returned plainly. “The bag boy.”
Jamie offered, “He might’ve been a manager covering for someone?”
“Or he might’ve been a bag boy.” Mike shook his head and took a long sip, appreciating the short silence.
Tom and Jamie shared a long look that Mike didn’t appreciate, and when she started with, “How about our friend,” he cut them off with an emphatic shake of his head.
“No, no more setups. I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. I’ll just go on and be alone. At least I’ll be sane.” Tom gave him a skeptical look and Mike amended. “Okay, maybe not sane, but at least I won’t go any crazier.” He put his mug down and stood up, moving to Jamie and dropping a kiss at her cheek. “Thanks for the dinner. Trust me. You’re my favorite Saturday fling.”
Tom grabbed his hand, curling fingers around in a well-practiced handshake as Mike passed. “Our Saturday ménage trios can’t be beat.”
Mike chuckled as he grabbed his jacket, shaking his head and silently thanking his friends for their long-standing tradition. Just him, Tom, and Jamie on the first Saturday of the month for a calm sit down dinner. He paused on the front porch when it dawned on him that he hadn’t cancelled their standing dinner date in about two years, since he last seriously dated anyone, and it was troubling for a moment. But then he shoved that to the back of his mind and hopped down the stairs.
*
At work, bored by his daily routine of meeting-meeting- emails-more meetings-paperwork-email, he checked his personal email for a small break. But then swore at the one from Jamie, subject lineDating Pros! For the Busy Professional!
He groaned as he read through the advertisement that Jamie deemed important for him to follow. A dating service - nay, matchmaking - for those who hadn’t the time to meet people in a traditional manner because their careers were too much. He snorted at the screen as he deleted the email. His career wasn’t too much. It was just … his social life was too little.
A few days later, Jamie called him at work. “You didn’t respond.”
“To what?” he asked distracted by a pressing memorandum on his screen.
“To my email.”
“The monkey riding the Segway? Jame, you seriously have to find a better job than perusing YouTube for eight hours a day.”
Her voice got loud and a bit stern, which kind of scared him. “Michael, you need to stop ignoring the opportunities that are waiting for you.”
To shake off the fear she constantly instilled in him, he shot back, “You need to stop talking like my mother. It’s creepy.”
She sighed and waited a few seconds, finally saying, “Are you going to try it?”
“A segway? Those things cost like five K. Think I’m made of money?”
“The service, Michael,” Jamie huffed.
“God, stop that. You’re throwing me back to junior high with my mother looming over me.”
She ignored his complaint and asked again, “Are you going to use the service?”
“The matchmaker?”
“Yes, that.”
“Oh,” he said thoughtfully. “No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I may be Jewish, but this isn’t Fiddler on the Roof.” There was a long enough silence that he added, “I don’t need someone to find me a mate.”
“Someone who says ‘mate’ likely needs help finding one.”
“Bye, Jamie,” he said quickly and hung up.
*
Mike loved Jamie like a sister he never knew he wanted. Because really? He never wanted one. There were all too many days that he rolled his eyes at her or he ignored her silly emails or even purposely brought up embarrassing high school stories, ones he’d promised long ago to forget and most definitely never mention to Tom.
But he was at a loss for what kind of retaliation she truly deserved. Because when she said they should meet for lunch, but that she had an errand to stop and it’d be quicker to meet there, he believed her. He had every notion to think she was telling the truth and not purposely sending him to some random office that she had never set foot in.
“Good morning … or, afternoon? It’s literally after noon, so yeah, afternoon.”
Mike blinked at the guy manning the front desk, which was also the only desk being manned in the small office space. He purposely looked at the three other empty desks and gave a tight smile. “I bet Jamie Welling isn’t stopping in.”
He curled a slick smile and stood with a hand out to shake. “Jamie! She’s a doll and a half. You must be Mikey.”
As he looked at the proffered hand, he wondered where he could hide her body. “It’s Michael, actually.”
“Oh,” he said in disappointment as he looked down at his notes. “She said Mikey?”
“Uh, no. Michael.” He felt like a pompous ass, but only Jamie, Tom, and his mother were allowed to call him Mike. He had a thing, okay? “And I think there’s been a mistake.”
“No, not really. She set you up this morning.”
“Yeah, she certainly did,” he mumbled.
“Would you like to circle round? We can get started.”
Mike couldn’t ignore the enthusiasm in the guy. He certainly tried while the guy - Misha Collins, he’d so wonderfully proclaimed - explained that Jamie had paid for Mike’s membership, which guaranteed him six dates in two months, and then issued the Spanish Inquisition.
He hated her so much.
Misha grilled him on his background … family, work, hobbies, likes, dislikes, schooling, future plans, pets, car, living arrangements. And then he got into what types of guys Mike liked, things to do on dates, favorite movies and musicians. Misha nodded and smiled to nearly everything that Mike responded with but Mike was sure that was because the guy was paid to be the nosiest fucker Mike had ever met.
His least favorite part, however, was when Misha snapped his picture. He wasn’t even looking at the camera, instead, fumbling with his phone to bring up Jamie’s number while thinking of all the ways he could murder her without Tom ever knowing it was him. Pushing her off a pier could work. His face was struck oddly, frozen in half confusion and half intrigue, with one eye squinting and the corner of his mouth open in thought. The picture was wholly unattractive.
“There we go!” Misha exclaimed anyway.
Mike was still cringing at the triple flash as he groaned.
Misha eyed him carefully and his energy dropped a bit. Somewhere near normal and Mike was entirely too relieved. “You know, a lot of people are skeptical about this. But there’s a lot of magic behind our system.”
“Ouija board or fairy dust?”
He chuckled and smiled, something that was less maniacal and more friendly. “No, we just … Julie and I have good feelings about people. And we’re realistic about the clients we bring in. From talking to Jamie, I have a good feeling about you.”
Mike stared, trying to read what was on Misha’s face. There was something calming out how easily he watched Mike and it nearly took the edge off Mike’s attitude. “Yeah, alright,” he said lowly as he tried to look away, but Misha’s glance was pretty intense.
Until he clapped and grinned, bearing white teeth and bright eyes. “Okay! So I’ll give you a call in a few days, see what options we have and hopefully we’ll have some good news!”
*
It took just one week for Misha to call with a possible date.
He’s tall, dark, and handsome. Works out regularly. Fun sense of humor. Loves dogs and has two himself. Actually works at an animal shelter, helping to rescue dogs off the street. Infectious smile, playful eyes, and he really loves to talk.
Mike was absolutely terrified. He could lie about it, but he won’t, because he finally felt like he had a chance on a date. Misha’s description encouraged him to give the date an honest shot. And then the words just sunk like a weight in his belly. Mike constantly ran his hand over his head, palm smoothing his hair down and to the side before he flicked fingers through it to put it right back to the style he’d created just an hour ago.
And his heart rate shot up when the hostess approached with a tall tall tall guy bounding in behind her. Mike stood up with a careful smile because yeah, this guy was tall, dark, and handsome. And it was obvious he worked out by the ratio of broad, built shoulders to tiny, feminine waist. Plus his handshake was crushing Mike’s hand as Mike squeaked, “Hi, I’m Michael.”
“Hey!” he nearly shouted with enthusiasm and then yanked Mike into a hug. “Jared! Nice to meet you!”
Mike lamely stayed in Jared’s arms - not like he had much of an option, the dude was practically squeezing the life out of him. “Yeah, you, too.”
Except, he wasn’t so sure that it was nice to meet Jared. They guy rattled on and on about anything that passed through his brain. The transit system, littering, dogs, cats, rats, bats, kids not his, kids that could be his, the possibility of a zombie attack, the wonders of Facebook, and the iPhone, All while shoveling food into his mouth.
“Can you imagine when Apple can create something so finite it’ll be fit in the palm of your hand and, like, run a space station? Well, not the space station. I mean, NASA does that. But what if, like, Apple could run airports and you could check in for your flight on the iPhone! And then maybe you could …”
Mike stared and barely nodded. He wanted to be on board with this. The guy was damned hot and so far he was actually better than most people Mike’d met in the last year. But … Jared suddenly used his food-stained napkin to wipe his sweat-soaked forehead and kept prattling on.
“And the iPad! Jesus, who was the ingenious mind behind that one?”
He stopped long enough for a long gulp of wine and Mike slipped in, “Steve Jobs, I’m sure.”
Jared nodded excitedly. “Yeah! Dude’s a genius!” Then he laughed and it almost flipped into a giggle. Mike had to find a way to end this date before he used his steak knife to end his own life.
*
“It did not go well,” he said flatly to Jamie, and then repeated it once more when Misha called Monday morning to check in.
Misha made a hmm noise. “I thought maybe ... Huh.”
“What?”
“I dunno, just, the enthusiasm. Thought it would be a good balance for you.”
Mike pinched the bridge of his nose as he leaned elbows on his desk. “Let’s try a little less, okay?”
“You got it!”
*
He’s a lean guy, just over six foot. Good head on his shoulders ‘cause he’s got a great job, but also … figuratively. He was once a model. He’s soft spoken, but really intelligent. Works in advertising and has a quick wit. I think he’s a good turn around from the last date. Just relax and go with the flow.
Jensen was gorgeous. Of course, he was a model, but Mike hadn’t expected the bone structure or the piercing eyes or the pouty lips. Even more so, he didn’t expect Jensen’s grumbly, “Well, this isn’t awkward,” right after the waiter offered the wine list to Mike and disappeared. “Who says you’re the man at the table?”
Mike looked up and started to hand the menu over. “Oh, seriously. It’s not a big deal. You got an idea for the wine?”
“What? Like I wouldn’t know wine? I was a child model so I must be stupid?”
He stared, a good long time in confusion, and then mostly just lost in thought because fuck Jensen was damned gorgeous.
“Whatever. Fine. You pick it out. But I’m not putting out.”
And kind of a dick. Mike cleared his throat and furrowed his eyebrows. “I’m sure he just thought I’d be the guy to treat,” he joked with a small smile.
“Oh, like I can’t afford this place?”
He blinked. “Not at all what - ”
Jensen leaned on the edge of the table. “I work in advertising. Make a lot of money. Misha tell you that at base control? I don’t really need a dating service, but I’m fuckin’ tired of finding freeloaders and guys who don’t have anything better to do but play Rock Band and watch Die Hard and Lethal Weapon marathons.”
Mike waved a hand out to settle the whole thing. “Just, whatever, that’s fine. You take at look at wine. I’ll have beer.”
“Oh,” Jensen sighed. “So, I’m the effeminate one. I can only drink wine.”
*
“Do you know what you’re doing?” Mike cried out when Misha called him.
Misha offered happily, “I was going for the other end of the spectrum.”
“Oh my God, did you ever! You went from slaphappy puppy to a fucking badger.”
“Badger?”
“Yes! Badgers! Those fuckers are territorial!”
“Like the ones from Wisconsin?” Misha asked confused.
“What? No!” Mike yelled. “I mean, yeah, okay, but.”
“I don’t understand.”
He took a long, deep breath. “Okay, look. Jared? Too much … happy. Jensen? So, so little. Can you please go halfsies on this?”
Mike cringed on halfsies, but then breathed out a sigh when Misha said, “Give me a week. I’ll get you someone.”
*
Tom laughed across the table, utterly unsympathetic to Mike’s groaning as his head fell onto the dining table. “This is the most torturous thing I’ve ever had to experience in my entire life.”
“Drama queen,” Jamie singsonged as she knocked his head with a fresh bottle of beer.
Mike sat up and drank half of it in one go then looked at her. “It’s the surprise peen videos, isn’t it?”
She laughed but wouldn’t acknowledge it.
“Or the guy shitting in the planter at the mall?”
“Oh, God,” Tom slips in. “That really was the worst.”
“It really was,” Jamie nodded with a disgusted face that only got worse as she turned to Mike. “The puss back.”
“The what?” Tom and Mike asked together.
She sighed and moved her glass of wine so she could rest her arms on the table. “You sent me that video of the girl popping her boyfriend’s puss pimples.”
Tom groaned and looked away, as if seeing either his wife or friend would remind him of how horrible it was. Mike grimaced but then smirked a little. He remembered how awful that video was and how hysterically he’d laughed as he clicked send. “Okay, so you signed me up for the world’s worst dating service because of the puss video?”
With a nod, Jamie brought her glass to her mouth and said at the rim, “Yep.” After a quick sip she added, “And so you could get some head.”
Mike nearly spat his beer out, but he held it in and swallowed hard.
“And maybe someone to sit in that chair,” she added while nodding at the empty seat next to him.
“Touché,” he mumbled with a nod.
*
Misha was surprised by Mike’s sudden appearance, but Mike just smiled and said easily, “Was thinking maybe we could talk a little more about what it is I really want out of this.”
He nodded happily and slid away from the desk. “No problem! Let’s sit over here,” and he directed Mike to the round table they’d worked at before. “So, you’re thinking - ”
It took some time to get to that point, all weekend really. Because when he left Tom and Jamie’s, he’d sulked for all his waking moments and thought about how he really did want to bring someone to dinner with them. He used to do it after a few dates - like a litmus test - but it’d been far too long since he felt good enough about someone to do that.
And maybe, if that was what he really wanted, he could take Jamie’s gift seriously.
“Okay, I’m not a romantic but I don’t want just a random hookup. But I’m a cynic, and I don’t really believe in true love. I do think there are people who could make things work somewhere in between.”
“You ever been in love?”
Mike took a deep breath and finally nodded. “Yeah, tailend of college. We lasted a few years after that. But you know, things change.”
Misha was watching him as his voice went even more relaxed than ever before. It was strange when not oddly comforting. “I know exactly how that goes. I started this all when my love life went to hell.”
He snorted then shook his head. “You’d think the last thing you’d want then is to set people up.”
“No, actually, it helped. To see so many people trying to find someone, too?”
His heart was already a little soft from Jamie’s comment about the dumb, empty chair, so he couldn’t ignore how it stuttered at that idea. He wasn’t the only one out there.
*
Okay, we got tall, blonde, athletic, funny, a bit on the ridiculous side. He’s a skeptic, so no going all happy hamster on you. But he’s also got a good outlook on life and relationships and is always open for new things.
“You think they got a good beer here?”
Mike smiled gently because it had only been ten minutes but it was already better than an entire evening with Jared or Jensen. “It’s worth a try, right?”
“Shit, yeah it is. Get some good beer in us. A steak or two. Big fat mound of cheddar mashed.”
He chuckled and nodded. His stomach was up for some meat and potatoes action.
“You’re paying, though, right? I’d hate to skimp out on the chance for some high end brew if you’re not gonna chip in and treat.”
Mike stalled at that and barely managed to get his eyes up.
Chad’s face suddenly lit up. “You know who’s got great beer and wings? Tilted Kilt. Man, I fucking love that place …”
“Tilted Kilt?”
“Yeah, over on State? With the chicks in the plaid kilts? And the tiny tops?”
Mike stared, and then thought about how he’d done that a lot on these dates. “You’re not gay?”
“Fuck no. Bi, but mostly straight. Tits just got me by the balls, ya know?”
*
“You are awful at this. You actually really suck.”
Misha looked up with a smile and Mike couldn’t help but think that maybe MIsha really was certifiably crazy. Because there was no way that he should have taken criticism so well.
“You set me up with a straight guy.”
“Oh, Chad?” Misha said with a smile. “No, he’s gay. Definitely. He is.”
“No way.”
Misha nodded. “No, he really is.”
“I would give my right hand to say he isn’t.” Misha stared back as if daring Mike. So, Mike felt compelled to add, “It’s the one I jerk with, so it’s quite valuable.”
Misha’s eyes widened and he coughed then slammed his eyes shut and shook his head. “Okay, um, sorry about Chad?” he offered quickly. “He’s special sometimes. But I thought maybe you would be … guy enough for him to admit to it. Apparently not.”
Mike dropped down to the chair in front of Misha’s desk and groaned. “Please, please tell me you’re not wasting my friend’s money on this.”
“No, I’m … I’m not. I’m sorry. Sometimes it’s hard to set up the gays. We’re all a very touchy group and it’s difficult - ”
He sat forward and asked slowly, “We’re very touchy?”
Misha nodded quickly and spoke even quicker. “Yeah, I know how it is. You see guys one way on the street but you really want something else. Look, it takes time. It’s a process.”
Mike was quiet while he stared back at him. There were plenty of things he wanted to get out, but instead he carefully said, “Just, stop fucking around with the dates. Okay? It’s Jamie and Tom’s money. They’re not millionaires.”
He nodded again and smiled. “Yes, yes, of course. Just, try a few more.”
“You’ve got two.”
“Yes, two, okay, right.”
*
Fabulous redhead. Wicked funny, cares about health and working out. Wonderful smile. Playful and sweet.
Mike stared but more in horror than confusion as a woman slipped into the seat across from him. “Dan?”
“Well, yeah, but it’s really Danneel,” she murmured. “Nice to meet you.”
He went on to gawk at her hand, hanging in the space between them and lit by the trio of candles flickering on the table. The only possible explanation Mike could reason was that she used to be a man. But that scared him even more than the image of her vagina being real.
*
“You’re not even trying anymore are you?!”
Misha frowned. He looked legitimately concerned and like he couldn’t manage the right response.
“You set me up with a girl. I didn’t even like pretending to stare at porn mags when I was a kid! Why would I want a centerfold now that I can openly be a homo?”
His hands were in the air as Misha tried as nicely as possible to explain. “Look, I’m so sorry. There’s just … we don’t get a whole heck of a lot of guys here, ya know?”
He wanted to yell more, scream his head off at the ridiculousness of saying he could set Mike up on dates when the gay dating pool was so small. But instead, he felt like it figured that that was the end to that chapter of his life. Not enough gays.
Mike was at the door, pushing it open when Misha called out, “I have one more! I think it’ll be better. It really will be!” he said excitedly, until his eyes dimmed and he just watched Mike who watched him back.
He clucked his tongue and looked away for a second. “Fine, one more. But then you and I? We’re done professionally.”
Misha quirked his mouth and nodded. “Yeah, no problem.”
*
Mike stared, not for the first time and not for the last of the evening, when Misha sat down across from him.
“Hi,” he offered quietly as Mike continued to stay silent. “I’m your last one.” He chuckled then scratched a hand through his hair. “Can’t be any worse than Jared, right?”
Mike sat forward, putting the menu to his plate and then clearing his throat. “Can’t be any worse than Chad, really.”
“I’m really sorry for that.”
“Almost didn’t seem so bad after Jensen.”
Misha winced. “I’m really sorry about that one. He’s … ”
“An acquired taste?”
“I was going to say bitter. Not unlike a badger.”
Mike laughed, really laughed. “Well, you’re already better than all of them combined. Usually, my laughter was shrouded in fear.”
“I’m glad to hear that,” Misha returned quietly, rearranging his silverware and watching his fingers smooth over the fork’s tines. When he looked up, he actually did look sorry. “I know it wasn’t the best experience.”
With a chuckle, Mike shook his head. “No, not really.” Misha nodded awkwardly and Mike felt obligated to ease the moment. “Just means nowhere to go but up, right?”
Misha swiped a palm down the front of his button-up and smiled. “I’d like to think I’m up.”
A slow, easy smile crept up on Mike before he realized it and he nodded. “Yeah, you are.”
*
“So, you met through Dating Pros?” Jamie asked as she leaned forward to refill Mike’s wine glass.
Mike asked, “You gonna gloat now?”
Her head popped from side to side with a little shimmy and a bright smile. “Maybe. A little.”
“Jame,” Tom said with a hand over hers. “Just … let him be. Guy finally gets someone to agree to go out with him and you’re gonna scare ‘em off.”
“You’re hilarious,” Mike shot back with a tight smile.
“I would not scare anyone off. I just have questions. Inquiring minds wanna know.”
Mike spoke at the rim of his glass. “I think I’m gonna drop some hippo birthing vids in your inbox tomorrow.”
Jamie gasped. “You wouldn’t dare.”
“I would dare. And I’m already searching for it.” He tipped his head to side while looking at her thoughtfully and then added, “Yep, San Diego Zoo. They’ve got it.”
“You’re such an asshole.”
“I know. It’s amazing I got a date.”
“Too bad I had to pay for it.”
Mike made a pfft sound as Misha leaned forward. “You know, we could talk about other things.”
“Like what?” Tom asked with an interested smile.
“Did you ever see the monkey on the Segway?”
Tom shouted, “Oh, my God!” as Jamie shrieked, “Yes!”
Mike groaned, but internally he warmed and then smiled at Misha. And maybe once at Jamie for setting the whole thing up.
Rating:: R - language
Words: 4,300
Pairing: Mike Rosenbaum/Misha Collins, with appearances by Tom and Jamie Welling, Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki, Danneel Harris and CHAD! MICHAEL! MURRAY!
Summary: Mike's not so lucky in the dating game, and it only seems to get worse when his friends sign him up for a dating service.
Notes: Written for caarirose for m2_homegoods First Annual Fic Exchange. Based on her prompt "Do I have a guy for you!" Heh. Owe thanks to neros_violin for beta and itskaylie for the animal references. Title from Van Morrison's "Domino."
Mike had been on 23 first dates in 12 months. Twenty-three embarrassing, long, tormenting, disappointing dates. There had been a dozen second dates, a handful of thirds, and he had pretty much decided to cut off his arm before trying a fourth.
Whether the guys were found at bars, at the gym, set up through friends, or randomly bumped into at the local coffee shop, they just weren’t ever quite right. There were just-out-of-college lackeys with no direction. Bartenders and waiters who didn’t wake before two in the afternoon. Golf pros looking for the next rendezvous in between lessons.
Tom and Jamie were sympathetic if not concerned.
“What about that guy from the store?” she asked while placing a cup of coffee in front of Mike.
“Which one?”
“The one with the tattoo on the wrist?” Tom asked while looking between them.
“Oh, right,” Mike returned plainly. “The bag boy.”
Jamie offered, “He might’ve been a manager covering for someone?”
“Or he might’ve been a bag boy.” Mike shook his head and took a long sip, appreciating the short silence.
Tom and Jamie shared a long look that Mike didn’t appreciate, and when she started with, “How about our friend,” he cut them off with an emphatic shake of his head.
“No, no more setups. I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. I’ll just go on and be alone. At least I’ll be sane.” Tom gave him a skeptical look and Mike amended. “Okay, maybe not sane, but at least I won’t go any crazier.” He put his mug down and stood up, moving to Jamie and dropping a kiss at her cheek. “Thanks for the dinner. Trust me. You’re my favorite Saturday fling.”
Tom grabbed his hand, curling fingers around in a well-practiced handshake as Mike passed. “Our Saturday ménage trios can’t be beat.”
Mike chuckled as he grabbed his jacket, shaking his head and silently thanking his friends for their long-standing tradition. Just him, Tom, and Jamie on the first Saturday of the month for a calm sit down dinner. He paused on the front porch when it dawned on him that he hadn’t cancelled their standing dinner date in about two years, since he last seriously dated anyone, and it was troubling for a moment. But then he shoved that to the back of his mind and hopped down the stairs.
*
At work, bored by his daily routine of meeting-meeting- emails-more meetings-paperwork-email, he checked his personal email for a small break. But then swore at the one from Jamie, subject lineDating Pros! For the Busy Professional!
He groaned as he read through the advertisement that Jamie deemed important for him to follow. A dating service - nay, matchmaking - for those who hadn’t the time to meet people in a traditional manner because their careers were too much. He snorted at the screen as he deleted the email. His career wasn’t too much. It was just … his social life was too little.
A few days later, Jamie called him at work. “You didn’t respond.”
“To what?” he asked distracted by a pressing memorandum on his screen.
“To my email.”
“The monkey riding the Segway? Jame, you seriously have to find a better job than perusing YouTube for eight hours a day.”
Her voice got loud and a bit stern, which kind of scared him. “Michael, you need to stop ignoring the opportunities that are waiting for you.”
To shake off the fear she constantly instilled in him, he shot back, “You need to stop talking like my mother. It’s creepy.”
She sighed and waited a few seconds, finally saying, “Are you going to try it?”
“A segway? Those things cost like five K. Think I’m made of money?”
“The service, Michael,” Jamie huffed.
“God, stop that. You’re throwing me back to junior high with my mother looming over me.”
She ignored his complaint and asked again, “Are you going to use the service?”
“The matchmaker?”
“Yes, that.”
“Oh,” he said thoughtfully. “No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I may be Jewish, but this isn’t Fiddler on the Roof.” There was a long enough silence that he added, “I don’t need someone to find me a mate.”
“Someone who says ‘mate’ likely needs help finding one.”
“Bye, Jamie,” he said quickly and hung up.
*
Mike loved Jamie like a sister he never knew he wanted. Because really? He never wanted one. There were all too many days that he rolled his eyes at her or he ignored her silly emails or even purposely brought up embarrassing high school stories, ones he’d promised long ago to forget and most definitely never mention to Tom.
But he was at a loss for what kind of retaliation she truly deserved. Because when she said they should meet for lunch, but that she had an errand to stop and it’d be quicker to meet there, he believed her. He had every notion to think she was telling the truth and not purposely sending him to some random office that she had never set foot in.
“Good morning … or, afternoon? It’s literally after noon, so yeah, afternoon.”
Mike blinked at the guy manning the front desk, which was also the only desk being manned in the small office space. He purposely looked at the three other empty desks and gave a tight smile. “I bet Jamie Welling isn’t stopping in.”
He curled a slick smile and stood with a hand out to shake. “Jamie! She’s a doll and a half. You must be Mikey.”
As he looked at the proffered hand, he wondered where he could hide her body. “It’s Michael, actually.”
“Oh,” he said in disappointment as he looked down at his notes. “She said Mikey?”
“Uh, no. Michael.” He felt like a pompous ass, but only Jamie, Tom, and his mother were allowed to call him Mike. He had a thing, okay? “And I think there’s been a mistake.”
“No, not really. She set you up this morning.”
“Yeah, she certainly did,” he mumbled.
“Would you like to circle round? We can get started.”
Mike couldn’t ignore the enthusiasm in the guy. He certainly tried while the guy - Misha Collins, he’d so wonderfully proclaimed - explained that Jamie had paid for Mike’s membership, which guaranteed him six dates in two months, and then issued the Spanish Inquisition.
He hated her so much.
Misha grilled him on his background … family, work, hobbies, likes, dislikes, schooling, future plans, pets, car, living arrangements. And then he got into what types of guys Mike liked, things to do on dates, favorite movies and musicians. Misha nodded and smiled to nearly everything that Mike responded with but Mike was sure that was because the guy was paid to be the nosiest fucker Mike had ever met.
His least favorite part, however, was when Misha snapped his picture. He wasn’t even looking at the camera, instead, fumbling with his phone to bring up Jamie’s number while thinking of all the ways he could murder her without Tom ever knowing it was him. Pushing her off a pier could work. His face was struck oddly, frozen in half confusion and half intrigue, with one eye squinting and the corner of his mouth open in thought. The picture was wholly unattractive.
“There we go!” Misha exclaimed anyway.
Mike was still cringing at the triple flash as he groaned.
Misha eyed him carefully and his energy dropped a bit. Somewhere near normal and Mike was entirely too relieved. “You know, a lot of people are skeptical about this. But there’s a lot of magic behind our system.”
“Ouija board or fairy dust?”
He chuckled and smiled, something that was less maniacal and more friendly. “No, we just … Julie and I have good feelings about people. And we’re realistic about the clients we bring in. From talking to Jamie, I have a good feeling about you.”
Mike stared, trying to read what was on Misha’s face. There was something calming out how easily he watched Mike and it nearly took the edge off Mike’s attitude. “Yeah, alright,” he said lowly as he tried to look away, but Misha’s glance was pretty intense.
Until he clapped and grinned, bearing white teeth and bright eyes. “Okay! So I’ll give you a call in a few days, see what options we have and hopefully we’ll have some good news!”
*
It took just one week for Misha to call with a possible date.
He’s tall, dark, and handsome. Works out regularly. Fun sense of humor. Loves dogs and has two himself. Actually works at an animal shelter, helping to rescue dogs off the street. Infectious smile, playful eyes, and he really loves to talk.
Mike was absolutely terrified. He could lie about it, but he won’t, because he finally felt like he had a chance on a date. Misha’s description encouraged him to give the date an honest shot. And then the words just sunk like a weight in his belly. Mike constantly ran his hand over his head, palm smoothing his hair down and to the side before he flicked fingers through it to put it right back to the style he’d created just an hour ago.
And his heart rate shot up when the hostess approached with a tall tall tall guy bounding in behind her. Mike stood up with a careful smile because yeah, this guy was tall, dark, and handsome. And it was obvious he worked out by the ratio of broad, built shoulders to tiny, feminine waist. Plus his handshake was crushing Mike’s hand as Mike squeaked, “Hi, I’m Michael.”
“Hey!” he nearly shouted with enthusiasm and then yanked Mike into a hug. “Jared! Nice to meet you!”
Mike lamely stayed in Jared’s arms - not like he had much of an option, the dude was practically squeezing the life out of him. “Yeah, you, too.”
Except, he wasn’t so sure that it was nice to meet Jared. They guy rattled on and on about anything that passed through his brain. The transit system, littering, dogs, cats, rats, bats, kids not his, kids that could be his, the possibility of a zombie attack, the wonders of Facebook, and the iPhone, All while shoveling food into his mouth.
“Can you imagine when Apple can create something so finite it’ll be fit in the palm of your hand and, like, run a space station? Well, not the space station. I mean, NASA does that. But what if, like, Apple could run airports and you could check in for your flight on the iPhone! And then maybe you could …”
Mike stared and barely nodded. He wanted to be on board with this. The guy was damned hot and so far he was actually better than most people Mike’d met in the last year. But … Jared suddenly used his food-stained napkin to wipe his sweat-soaked forehead and kept prattling on.
“And the iPad! Jesus, who was the ingenious mind behind that one?”
He stopped long enough for a long gulp of wine and Mike slipped in, “Steve Jobs, I’m sure.”
Jared nodded excitedly. “Yeah! Dude’s a genius!” Then he laughed and it almost flipped into a giggle. Mike had to find a way to end this date before he used his steak knife to end his own life.
*
“It did not go well,” he said flatly to Jamie, and then repeated it once more when Misha called Monday morning to check in.
Misha made a hmm noise. “I thought maybe ... Huh.”
“What?”
“I dunno, just, the enthusiasm. Thought it would be a good balance for you.”
Mike pinched the bridge of his nose as he leaned elbows on his desk. “Let’s try a little less, okay?”
“You got it!”
*
He’s a lean guy, just over six foot. Good head on his shoulders ‘cause he’s got a great job, but also … figuratively. He was once a model. He’s soft spoken, but really intelligent. Works in advertising and has a quick wit. I think he’s a good turn around from the last date. Just relax and go with the flow.
Jensen was gorgeous. Of course, he was a model, but Mike hadn’t expected the bone structure or the piercing eyes or the pouty lips. Even more so, he didn’t expect Jensen’s grumbly, “Well, this isn’t awkward,” right after the waiter offered the wine list to Mike and disappeared. “Who says you’re the man at the table?”
Mike looked up and started to hand the menu over. “Oh, seriously. It’s not a big deal. You got an idea for the wine?”
“What? Like I wouldn’t know wine? I was a child model so I must be stupid?”
He stared, a good long time in confusion, and then mostly just lost in thought because fuck Jensen was damned gorgeous.
“Whatever. Fine. You pick it out. But I’m not putting out.”
And kind of a dick. Mike cleared his throat and furrowed his eyebrows. “I’m sure he just thought I’d be the guy to treat,” he joked with a small smile.
“Oh, like I can’t afford this place?”
He blinked. “Not at all what - ”
Jensen leaned on the edge of the table. “I work in advertising. Make a lot of money. Misha tell you that at base control? I don’t really need a dating service, but I’m fuckin’ tired of finding freeloaders and guys who don’t have anything better to do but play Rock Band and watch Die Hard and Lethal Weapon marathons.”
Mike waved a hand out to settle the whole thing. “Just, whatever, that’s fine. You take at look at wine. I’ll have beer.”
“Oh,” Jensen sighed. “So, I’m the effeminate one. I can only drink wine.”
*
“Do you know what you’re doing?” Mike cried out when Misha called him.
Misha offered happily, “I was going for the other end of the spectrum.”
“Oh my God, did you ever! You went from slaphappy puppy to a fucking badger.”
“Badger?”
“Yes! Badgers! Those fuckers are territorial!”
“Like the ones from Wisconsin?” Misha asked confused.
“What? No!” Mike yelled. “I mean, yeah, okay, but.”
“I don’t understand.”
He took a long, deep breath. “Okay, look. Jared? Too much … happy. Jensen? So, so little. Can you please go halfsies on this?”
Mike cringed on halfsies, but then breathed out a sigh when Misha said, “Give me a week. I’ll get you someone.”
*
Tom laughed across the table, utterly unsympathetic to Mike’s groaning as his head fell onto the dining table. “This is the most torturous thing I’ve ever had to experience in my entire life.”
“Drama queen,” Jamie singsonged as she knocked his head with a fresh bottle of beer.
Mike sat up and drank half of it in one go then looked at her. “It’s the surprise peen videos, isn’t it?”
She laughed but wouldn’t acknowledge it.
“Or the guy shitting in the planter at the mall?”
“Oh, God,” Tom slips in. “That really was the worst.”
“It really was,” Jamie nodded with a disgusted face that only got worse as she turned to Mike. “The puss back.”
“The what?” Tom and Mike asked together.
She sighed and moved her glass of wine so she could rest her arms on the table. “You sent me that video of the girl popping her boyfriend’s puss pimples.”
Tom groaned and looked away, as if seeing either his wife or friend would remind him of how horrible it was. Mike grimaced but then smirked a little. He remembered how awful that video was and how hysterically he’d laughed as he clicked send. “Okay, so you signed me up for the world’s worst dating service because of the puss video?”
With a nod, Jamie brought her glass to her mouth and said at the rim, “Yep.” After a quick sip she added, “And so you could get some head.”
Mike nearly spat his beer out, but he held it in and swallowed hard.
“And maybe someone to sit in that chair,” she added while nodding at the empty seat next to him.
“Touché,” he mumbled with a nod.
*
Misha was surprised by Mike’s sudden appearance, but Mike just smiled and said easily, “Was thinking maybe we could talk a little more about what it is I really want out of this.”
He nodded happily and slid away from the desk. “No problem! Let’s sit over here,” and he directed Mike to the round table they’d worked at before. “So, you’re thinking - ”
It took some time to get to that point, all weekend really. Because when he left Tom and Jamie’s, he’d sulked for all his waking moments and thought about how he really did want to bring someone to dinner with them. He used to do it after a few dates - like a litmus test - but it’d been far too long since he felt good enough about someone to do that.
And maybe, if that was what he really wanted, he could take Jamie’s gift seriously.
“Okay, I’m not a romantic but I don’t want just a random hookup. But I’m a cynic, and I don’t really believe in true love. I do think there are people who could make things work somewhere in between.”
“You ever been in love?”
Mike took a deep breath and finally nodded. “Yeah, tailend of college. We lasted a few years after that. But you know, things change.”
Misha was watching him as his voice went even more relaxed than ever before. It was strange when not oddly comforting. “I know exactly how that goes. I started this all when my love life went to hell.”
He snorted then shook his head. “You’d think the last thing you’d want then is to set people up.”
“No, actually, it helped. To see so many people trying to find someone, too?”
His heart was already a little soft from Jamie’s comment about the dumb, empty chair, so he couldn’t ignore how it stuttered at that idea. He wasn’t the only one out there.
*
Okay, we got tall, blonde, athletic, funny, a bit on the ridiculous side. He’s a skeptic, so no going all happy hamster on you. But he’s also got a good outlook on life and relationships and is always open for new things.
“You think they got a good beer here?”
Mike smiled gently because it had only been ten minutes but it was already better than an entire evening with Jared or Jensen. “It’s worth a try, right?”
“Shit, yeah it is. Get some good beer in us. A steak or two. Big fat mound of cheddar mashed.”
He chuckled and nodded. His stomach was up for some meat and potatoes action.
“You’re paying, though, right? I’d hate to skimp out on the chance for some high end brew if you’re not gonna chip in and treat.”
Mike stalled at that and barely managed to get his eyes up.
Chad’s face suddenly lit up. “You know who’s got great beer and wings? Tilted Kilt. Man, I fucking love that place …”
“Tilted Kilt?”
“Yeah, over on State? With the chicks in the plaid kilts? And the tiny tops?”
Mike stared, and then thought about how he’d done that a lot on these dates. “You’re not gay?”
“Fuck no. Bi, but mostly straight. Tits just got me by the balls, ya know?”
*
“You are awful at this. You actually really suck.”
Misha looked up with a smile and Mike couldn’t help but think that maybe MIsha really was certifiably crazy. Because there was no way that he should have taken criticism so well.
“You set me up with a straight guy.”
“Oh, Chad?” Misha said with a smile. “No, he’s gay. Definitely. He is.”
“No way.”
Misha nodded. “No, he really is.”
“I would give my right hand to say he isn’t.” Misha stared back as if daring Mike. So, Mike felt compelled to add, “It’s the one I jerk with, so it’s quite valuable.”
Misha’s eyes widened and he coughed then slammed his eyes shut and shook his head. “Okay, um, sorry about Chad?” he offered quickly. “He’s special sometimes. But I thought maybe you would be … guy enough for him to admit to it. Apparently not.”
Mike dropped down to the chair in front of Misha’s desk and groaned. “Please, please tell me you’re not wasting my friend’s money on this.”
“No, I’m … I’m not. I’m sorry. Sometimes it’s hard to set up the gays. We’re all a very touchy group and it’s difficult - ”
He sat forward and asked slowly, “We’re very touchy?”
Misha nodded quickly and spoke even quicker. “Yeah, I know how it is. You see guys one way on the street but you really want something else. Look, it takes time. It’s a process.”
Mike was quiet while he stared back at him. There were plenty of things he wanted to get out, but instead he carefully said, “Just, stop fucking around with the dates. Okay? It’s Jamie and Tom’s money. They’re not millionaires.”
He nodded again and smiled. “Yes, yes, of course. Just, try a few more.”
“You’ve got two.”
“Yes, two, okay, right.”
*
Fabulous redhead. Wicked funny, cares about health and working out. Wonderful smile. Playful and sweet.
Mike stared but more in horror than confusion as a woman slipped into the seat across from him. “Dan?”
“Well, yeah, but it’s really Danneel,” she murmured. “Nice to meet you.”
He went on to gawk at her hand, hanging in the space between them and lit by the trio of candles flickering on the table. The only possible explanation Mike could reason was that she used to be a man. But that scared him even more than the image of her vagina being real.
*
“You’re not even trying anymore are you?!”
Misha frowned. He looked legitimately concerned and like he couldn’t manage the right response.
“You set me up with a girl. I didn’t even like pretending to stare at porn mags when I was a kid! Why would I want a centerfold now that I can openly be a homo?”
His hands were in the air as Misha tried as nicely as possible to explain. “Look, I’m so sorry. There’s just … we don’t get a whole heck of a lot of guys here, ya know?”
He wanted to yell more, scream his head off at the ridiculousness of saying he could set Mike up on dates when the gay dating pool was so small. But instead, he felt like it figured that that was the end to that chapter of his life. Not enough gays.
Mike was at the door, pushing it open when Misha called out, “I have one more! I think it’ll be better. It really will be!” he said excitedly, until his eyes dimmed and he just watched Mike who watched him back.
He clucked his tongue and looked away for a second. “Fine, one more. But then you and I? We’re done professionally.”
Misha quirked his mouth and nodded. “Yeah, no problem.”
*
Mike stared, not for the first time and not for the last of the evening, when Misha sat down across from him.
“Hi,” he offered quietly as Mike continued to stay silent. “I’m your last one.” He chuckled then scratched a hand through his hair. “Can’t be any worse than Jared, right?”
Mike sat forward, putting the menu to his plate and then clearing his throat. “Can’t be any worse than Chad, really.”
“I’m really sorry for that.”
“Almost didn’t seem so bad after Jensen.”
Misha winced. “I’m really sorry about that one. He’s … ”
“An acquired taste?”
“I was going to say bitter. Not unlike a badger.”
Mike laughed, really laughed. “Well, you’re already better than all of them combined. Usually, my laughter was shrouded in fear.”
“I’m glad to hear that,” Misha returned quietly, rearranging his silverware and watching his fingers smooth over the fork’s tines. When he looked up, he actually did look sorry. “I know it wasn’t the best experience.”
With a chuckle, Mike shook his head. “No, not really.” Misha nodded awkwardly and Mike felt obligated to ease the moment. “Just means nowhere to go but up, right?”
Misha swiped a palm down the front of his button-up and smiled. “I’d like to think I’m up.”
A slow, easy smile crept up on Mike before he realized it and he nodded. “Yeah, you are.”
*
“So, you met through Dating Pros?” Jamie asked as she leaned forward to refill Mike’s wine glass.
Mike asked, “You gonna gloat now?”
Her head popped from side to side with a little shimmy and a bright smile. “Maybe. A little.”
“Jame,” Tom said with a hand over hers. “Just … let him be. Guy finally gets someone to agree to go out with him and you’re gonna scare ‘em off.”
“You’re hilarious,” Mike shot back with a tight smile.
“I would not scare anyone off. I just have questions. Inquiring minds wanna know.”
Mike spoke at the rim of his glass. “I think I’m gonna drop some hippo birthing vids in your inbox tomorrow.”
Jamie gasped. “You wouldn’t dare.”
“I would dare. And I’m already searching for it.” He tipped his head to side while looking at her thoughtfully and then added, “Yep, San Diego Zoo. They’ve got it.”
“You’re such an asshole.”
“I know. It’s amazing I got a date.”
“Too bad I had to pay for it.”
Mike made a pfft sound as Misha leaned forward. “You know, we could talk about other things.”
“Like what?” Tom asked with an interested smile.
“Did you ever see the monkey on the Segway?”
Tom shouted, “Oh, my God!” as Jamie shrieked, “Yes!”
Mike groaned, but internally he warmed and then smiled at Misha. And maybe once at Jamie for setting the whole thing up.