anxiety, frustration, etc...
I just keep telling myself "The Dalai Lama wouldn't be able to help people all the time if he was worried about having sex."
Can anyone out there possibly identify with the anxiety I have? Part of me wants to meditate all day long and just be there to help people and raise my own and other's conscious awareness... but I get distracted because I'm a 21 (almost 22) year old virgin in a society that makes you think you are nobody if you aren't doing somebody! Since I have grown up here and still go to school (which - especially when it comes to the greek system - is a fuck factory) I have this deep-rooted desire for that kind of thing - also the natural biological urges I have being a able-bodied young male, and the feeling of alienation I have towards all the young people my age who enjoy each other's bodies at regular intervals...
My problem is I am not willing to go out and play stupid games and find some stupid drunk girl to have sex with on any given friday or saturday night. I can't even begin to take part in that kind of a scene - and even when I meet girls I have stuff in common with I haven't had any luck going anywhere with it. I am very unsure of myself around women and I get really frustrated because most women (people in general, actually) are very unwilling to be real and take off whatever mask (or layers of masks) might be covering up their true self. On the other hand, I myself have a hard time being real just because I get so nervous around girls - which is why I pretty much decided I had to be myself whether I was around girls I like or not and just try not to think about what might be happening... anytime I begin to think about what might be going on or have expectations for something to happen I get disappointed, so my policy of late has been to just be my strange, happy little self no matter what situation I'm in. It hasn't necessarily brought any different results than before but I can tell it is a better way to be in general - i maintain my mindful center no matter what situation I find myself in (socially.)
That being said I want to get down to the real issue. I came home from lunch today having eaten on my new eating plan which consists of no meat of any kind during the day and I felt great and happy because for once I felt as mindful after a meal as I did before. I have noticed when you eat your awareness dims quite noticeably and especially eating a lot and getting really full on meat or sweets or stuff with lots of spices - that is a big part of my new diet plan. It's a yoga practitioner's diet, for the most part. So anyway I got home feeling good then thoughts entered my head of this girl I saw the other night when I was out with my friends and how I wish I could just have her in my bed this afternoon and then I thought about what that would actually mean and I got really frustrated. I felt guilty, horny, and frustrated all at the same time. I am not going to be able to stay focused on my spiritual path until I root out of my unconscious (or my soul or my "being" or what have you) the desire to have sex. I know I am not going to lose it completely especially at my age - no matter how I work on my mind my head is still going to turn when I see some really hot girl on campus or something but when it comes to social situations and personal relationships (whether its a love relationship or a friendship) I will have to get rid of some of my strong latent desires for sex in order to keep myself from getting distracted so easily. Now does this mean I should have sex? I have never had sex and if I did it once I might want to do it a whole bunch. It might only take one or a few times for me to stop thinking about it as something I've been left out of - or I may become distracted by it even more.
Now I am not going to say I am unwilling to have sex - I am sure if the opportunity presented itself I would take it - so long as it was someone I knew and respected and trusted. I would definitely not seek it out - as I said earlier - in desparation, I am not willing to sacrifice my core values for sex.
I am also going to say that I have never ruled out taking a vow of celibacy. I have had enough negative experiences with girls to be very close to my breaking point when it comes to all of this. I keep thinking something is going to happen and it doesn't and it has made me feel as though God or the Universe or whatever larger entity you want to conceive of has somehow kept it from happening for me. I know all of my experiences are necessary (and even the lack of some) and I know living life the particular way I've lived it so far has caused me to be what I am today but inside I have been SCREAMING for quite a while now that I wish the universe would just let it happen for me!!! One way or the other I am VERY TIRED of all of this staring at hot girls and meeting really cool and nice girls that I respect and admire and not being able to get close to any of them. I try to reason with IT (the Everything) saying that it is detrimental to my spiritual health for me to be in the place I am in. As my friend Justin likes to say I need to either "shit or get off the pot." I need to have sex so that I can get past my deep-rooted desires to experience that physical and emotional union with another individual, and therefore get rid of some of the karma that comes with those desires (and having not had the experiences I can never know what the experiences actually do for a person - only what I observe through secondhand dialogue can I get an idea, but part of learning is experiencing things). Does that make sense? Anytime we feel we need or want something we are setting ourselves up. Once we enact that desire or conceptualize any kind of perceived "need" we put ourselves on a path of not being satisfied until we get whatever that object is. Whether its sex or drugs or rock and roll - or anything else - that is how it works. Of course I don't believe in any permanent happiness coming from any temporary source - thats why I don't believe sex is the ultimate answer to suffering - nor is it the "point" of human life as many biologists love to claim. We have the potential for eternal bliss - like a seed inside of us - we just have to nurture it and allow it to grow. It cannot grow if we keep wanting these little temporary pleasures - because all pleasure comes with pain. Eternal bliss is different, it is more of a permanent satisfaction, a consistency of body, mind, and soul that feels like a warm spring breeze blowing through your being. It is perfection and it is all of our ultimate destinations.
I needed to get that out. Feel free to comment or criticize. I am open to all opinions, ideas, and reactions. I probably didn't make some things clear and I am sure I jumped around a bit - I was just trying to expose to you all what it is like to be in the situation I am in. I don't know many people with beliefs that are much like mine so it is difficult for me to discuss this genuinely with people - most of my friends don't take me seriously they just think I'm complaining because I'm a virgin and I'm too lazy to go out and get laid. They say things like "go out and find someone to have sex with, its not that hard..." and crap like that. No, it would be easy if I was a hot twenty year old girl!!! But its hard for me because of ...... who I am I suppose. I am not going to change myself just for sex. But I do often feel like nobody wants to be close to me... and that is kind of depressing. I wonder if the universe isn't just trying to make me have negative experiences with all of that so I will keep going after Eternal Bliss instead. Once I have that established I can give it to others, and that is the greatest gift of all!
Can anyone out there possibly identify with the anxiety I have? Part of me wants to meditate all day long and just be there to help people and raise my own and other's conscious awareness... but I get distracted because I'm a 21 (almost 22) year old virgin in a society that makes you think you are nobody if you aren't doing somebody! Since I have grown up here and still go to school (which - especially when it comes to the greek system - is a fuck factory) I have this deep-rooted desire for that kind of thing - also the natural biological urges I have being a able-bodied young male, and the feeling of alienation I have towards all the young people my age who enjoy each other's bodies at regular intervals...
My problem is I am not willing to go out and play stupid games and find some stupid drunk girl to have sex with on any given friday or saturday night. I can't even begin to take part in that kind of a scene - and even when I meet girls I have stuff in common with I haven't had any luck going anywhere with it. I am very unsure of myself around women and I get really frustrated because most women (people in general, actually) are very unwilling to be real and take off whatever mask (or layers of masks) might be covering up their true self. On the other hand, I myself have a hard time being real just because I get so nervous around girls - which is why I pretty much decided I had to be myself whether I was around girls I like or not and just try not to think about what might be happening... anytime I begin to think about what might be going on or have expectations for something to happen I get disappointed, so my policy of late has been to just be my strange, happy little self no matter what situation I'm in. It hasn't necessarily brought any different results than before but I can tell it is a better way to be in general - i maintain my mindful center no matter what situation I find myself in (socially.)
That being said I want to get down to the real issue. I came home from lunch today having eaten on my new eating plan which consists of no meat of any kind during the day and I felt great and happy because for once I felt as mindful after a meal as I did before. I have noticed when you eat your awareness dims quite noticeably and especially eating a lot and getting really full on meat or sweets or stuff with lots of spices - that is a big part of my new diet plan. It's a yoga practitioner's diet, for the most part. So anyway I got home feeling good then thoughts entered my head of this girl I saw the other night when I was out with my friends and how I wish I could just have her in my bed this afternoon and then I thought about what that would actually mean and I got really frustrated. I felt guilty, horny, and frustrated all at the same time. I am not going to be able to stay focused on my spiritual path until I root out of my unconscious (or my soul or my "being" or what have you) the desire to have sex. I know I am not going to lose it completely especially at my age - no matter how I work on my mind my head is still going to turn when I see some really hot girl on campus or something but when it comes to social situations and personal relationships (whether its a love relationship or a friendship) I will have to get rid of some of my strong latent desires for sex in order to keep myself from getting distracted so easily. Now does this mean I should have sex? I have never had sex and if I did it once I might want to do it a whole bunch. It might only take one or a few times for me to stop thinking about it as something I've been left out of - or I may become distracted by it even more.
Now I am not going to say I am unwilling to have sex - I am sure if the opportunity presented itself I would take it - so long as it was someone I knew and respected and trusted. I would definitely not seek it out - as I said earlier - in desparation, I am not willing to sacrifice my core values for sex.
I am also going to say that I have never ruled out taking a vow of celibacy. I have had enough negative experiences with girls to be very close to my breaking point when it comes to all of this. I keep thinking something is going to happen and it doesn't and it has made me feel as though God or the Universe or whatever larger entity you want to conceive of has somehow kept it from happening for me. I know all of my experiences are necessary (and even the lack of some) and I know living life the particular way I've lived it so far has caused me to be what I am today but inside I have been SCREAMING for quite a while now that I wish the universe would just let it happen for me!!! One way or the other I am VERY TIRED of all of this staring at hot girls and meeting really cool and nice girls that I respect and admire and not being able to get close to any of them. I try to reason with IT (the Everything) saying that it is detrimental to my spiritual health for me to be in the place I am in. As my friend Justin likes to say I need to either "shit or get off the pot." I need to have sex so that I can get past my deep-rooted desires to experience that physical and emotional union with another individual, and therefore get rid of some of the karma that comes with those desires (and having not had the experiences I can never know what the experiences actually do for a person - only what I observe through secondhand dialogue can I get an idea, but part of learning is experiencing things). Does that make sense? Anytime we feel we need or want something we are setting ourselves up. Once we enact that desire or conceptualize any kind of perceived "need" we put ourselves on a path of not being satisfied until we get whatever that object is. Whether its sex or drugs or rock and roll - or anything else - that is how it works. Of course I don't believe in any permanent happiness coming from any temporary source - thats why I don't believe sex is the ultimate answer to suffering - nor is it the "point" of human life as many biologists love to claim. We have the potential for eternal bliss - like a seed inside of us - we just have to nurture it and allow it to grow. It cannot grow if we keep wanting these little temporary pleasures - because all pleasure comes with pain. Eternal bliss is different, it is more of a permanent satisfaction, a consistency of body, mind, and soul that feels like a warm spring breeze blowing through your being. It is perfection and it is all of our ultimate destinations.
I needed to get that out. Feel free to comment or criticize. I am open to all opinions, ideas, and reactions. I probably didn't make some things clear and I am sure I jumped around a bit - I was just trying to expose to you all what it is like to be in the situation I am in. I don't know many people with beliefs that are much like mine so it is difficult for me to discuss this genuinely with people - most of my friends don't take me seriously they just think I'm complaining because I'm a virgin and I'm too lazy to go out and get laid. They say things like "go out and find someone to have sex with, its not that hard..." and crap like that. No, it would be easy if I was a hot twenty year old girl!!! But its hard for me because of ...... who I am I suppose. I am not going to change myself just for sex. But I do often feel like nobody wants to be close to me... and that is kind of depressing. I wonder if the universe isn't just trying to make me have negative experiences with all of that so I will keep going after Eternal Bliss instead. Once I have that established I can give it to others, and that is the greatest gift of all!