Notes on Boys
It's a strange thing when a friend says they like you. I've had it happen twice in my life. Once from Bo, who acted on it; and once from Justin, who didn't.
I've been kissed a few times by three boys. Bo was my boyfriend. The Other is dead to me. Kai was my everything.
I've liked countless boys. Chris Hirokawa, my pre-pubescent crush who I still like; Matt McNamee, who was an ass; the Unnamed Jackass; Robert Lee, my good friend; Bo; and Kai, my everything.
I get along better with boys. My best friend for years was a boy - it still is, though the boy is different now. I trust boys.
There are some who mean more to me than others. Chris, my first crush, will always be special to me. My first friend until third grade. He doesn't remember me.
Bo, my first boyfriend and first friend in Pennsylvania. He wasn't the right kind of person for me. He had a very soft-spoken, yet commanding, attitude that drove me insane. I wasn't free when I was his girlfriend.
Justin, who put up with my whining, complaining, self-hate tirades, bitchiness, and he liked me despite it. I'm just now starting to reconnect with him, and I hate myself for not taking advantage of our time together.
Steve, my best friend. He let me in on such a big secret only recently after we started talking again. He's always there for me, always listens, always tries to understand. I can tell him anything.
And Kai. Everything always seems to end with Kai, doesn't it? I've only recently begun to be able to talk about him. The actual pain I would feel, the horrendous cracking of what's left of my heart, made it too much to even think about him. I thank Justin for this. I can talk to Justin.
I loved Kai. With every fiber of my being, I loved Kai. I still do. I would never have acted on this love - I could never have hurt Rose, and I knew Kai loved her - but it was enough that he was my best friend, my confidant, my crush, and my big brother. But for him to cut off all contact like that as if I didn't matter and had never mattered.... That wound cut deep. I cannot begin to count the amount of tears shed over him.
Finally, I tried blocking him out, forgetting him. And it worked, for a time. I stopped hurting myself. I stopped wildly and blindly drifting in and out of my Moods, and whether that was because of this or because Bo had come into my life, I do not know. But I wasn't happy.
I love too much. Some people - the people who have made an imprint on my life - I will always love. They're a part of me, they helped make me who I am, and whether that person is good or bad, I would not want to be anyone else.
I thank, from the bottom of my heart, all those I've mentioned, and all those I haven't. Each person in my life has had a tremendous effect on me, and I am glad for their influence. I am grateful to have them in my life.
I've been kissed a few times by three boys. Bo was my boyfriend. The Other is dead to me. Kai was my everything.
I've liked countless boys. Chris Hirokawa, my pre-pubescent crush who I still like; Matt McNamee, who was an ass; the Unnamed Jackass; Robert Lee, my good friend; Bo; and Kai, my everything.
I get along better with boys. My best friend for years was a boy - it still is, though the boy is different now. I trust boys.
There are some who mean more to me than others. Chris, my first crush, will always be special to me. My first friend until third grade. He doesn't remember me.
Bo, my first boyfriend and first friend in Pennsylvania. He wasn't the right kind of person for me. He had a very soft-spoken, yet commanding, attitude that drove me insane. I wasn't free when I was his girlfriend.
Justin, who put up with my whining, complaining, self-hate tirades, bitchiness, and he liked me despite it. I'm just now starting to reconnect with him, and I hate myself for not taking advantage of our time together.
Steve, my best friend. He let me in on such a big secret only recently after we started talking again. He's always there for me, always listens, always tries to understand. I can tell him anything.
And Kai. Everything always seems to end with Kai, doesn't it? I've only recently begun to be able to talk about him. The actual pain I would feel, the horrendous cracking of what's left of my heart, made it too much to even think about him. I thank Justin for this. I can talk to Justin.
I loved Kai. With every fiber of my being, I loved Kai. I still do. I would never have acted on this love - I could never have hurt Rose, and I knew Kai loved her - but it was enough that he was my best friend, my confidant, my crush, and my big brother. But for him to cut off all contact like that as if I didn't matter and had never mattered.... That wound cut deep. I cannot begin to count the amount of tears shed over him.
Finally, I tried blocking him out, forgetting him. And it worked, for a time. I stopped hurting myself. I stopped wildly and blindly drifting in and out of my Moods, and whether that was because of this or because Bo had come into my life, I do not know. But I wasn't happy.
I love too much. Some people - the people who have made an imprint on my life - I will always love. They're a part of me, they helped make me who I am, and whether that person is good or bad, I would not want to be anyone else.
I thank, from the bottom of my heart, all those I've mentioned, and all those I haven't. Each person in my life has had a tremendous effect on me, and I am glad for their influence. I am grateful to have them in my life.