ian o'shea
I SAW THE HOST
IAN O'SHEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU GUYS I'M JUST SO HAPPY, THE MARKETING HAD ME SO WORRIED ABOUT THIS GODDAMN MOVIE AND I DIDN'T NEED TO BE WORRIED AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Once I calm down and actually reread the book and see the movie again and can be objective about it instead of SCREAMING for the entire duration of the fifteen-minute drive home from the theater [GUYS I HAD SO MUCH NOISE BUILT UP INSIDE ME FROM ALL THE SCREAMING I DIDN'T DO DURING THE MOVIE], I think it's probably going to settle itself in my mind as a B/B+ adaptation but right now I'm just SO FUCKING RELIEVED THAT IT WASN'T THE JARED AND MELANIE SHOW THAT IT FEELS MOSTLY PERFECT.
IAN O'SHEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JAKE ABEL FOR ALL CATEGORIES AT THE FIRST ANNUAL IAN O'SHEA AWARDS AND EVERY SUBSEQUENT IAN O'SHEA AWARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
UGH okay I can't be coherent here is just a bunch of stuff:
-THE FIRST HALF HOUR OR HOWEVER MUCH OF THE MOVIE HAPPENS PRE-CAVES IS EXCRUCIATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU TRIED, MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 No, for real, they did everything they could and maybe people who don't already know the story would be into it? But the next billion times I see this movie I AM SHOWING UP HALF AN HOUR LATE. AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT.
-SPEAKING OF THE BEGINNING, THOUGH, WELL PLAYED, MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!! Literally the ONLY thing I cared about in that whole chunk of the movie were the frequent Jared/Melanie flashbacks, so even as I was like I SWEAR TO GOD IF THIS IS THE JARED AND MELANIE SHOW I WILL BURN THE CAVES TO THE GROUND I was ALSO like YESSSSSSSSSSSS MORE KISSING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA THEY TOTALLY AXED SMEYER'S WHOLE "NO SEX UNTIL YOU'RE EIGHTEEN, EVEN IN AN APOCALYPSE!!!!!!!" IN FAVOR OF JARED BEING LIKE "LOOK, JUST BECAUSE I'M THE ONLY LIVING MAN YOU'RE NOT RELATED TO, DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO FUCK ME," AND MELANIE BEING LIKE "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME." YOU GET YOURS, MELANIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Man, speaking of Melanie, though, I GUESS Saoirse Ronan did a really good job of playing both of them? But also it super weirded me out that Wanda could only address Mel BY SPEAKING OUT LOUD, which is also how I know that Wanda didn't address Mel NEARLY as much as Mel addressed her, because EVERY TIME Wanda did it I was like FUCK, THAT'S WEIRD!!!!!!!! So it was good from a minimal distractions standpoint that it didn't happen often, BUT ALSO, WANDA AND MELANIE ARE FUCKING AMAZING AND I LOVE THEIR FUCKED UP CODEPENDENT SYMBIOTIC ASSES, so it was kind of disappointing that they couldn't translate that properly.
-SOUL EYES LOOK SUPER, SUPER WEIRD. LIKE "FROM A CERTAIN ANGLE EVERYONE LOOKS LIKE THEY'VE GOT A POORLY-ALIGNED GLASS EYE" WEIRD.
-I REALLY MISSED WANDA'S FRIENDSHIP WITH DOC AND ALL HER STORIES ABOUT BEING A SPACE POLAR BEAR!!!!!!!!!!!! I always forget how much I SERIOUSLY LOVE this book on more than just an EMOTIONS ALL THE TIME level but there are a million little strands from it that I was like AW, I LOVE THAT, I WISH IT COULD HAVE BEEN IN THE MOVIE.
-The de-aging was FINE all things considered, because Jamie didn't really do much? Not in a bad way, just in a way where it didn't matter much that Jamie's supposed to be fifteen and WISE AND WEARY BEYOND HIS YEARS because he was, obviously, way more of a kid in the movie. HE WAS DELIGHTFUL AND I FELT A LOT OF THINGS but that scene where Jeb hands him the shotgun really kind of highlights how much younger movie Jamie is - it's more of a joke in the movie but it's kind of an OH FUCK moment for Melanie when she realizes how much Jamie has grown up without her. [AND FUCK, NOW I'M THINKING ABOUT ALL THE DIFFERENCES SHE SEES IN HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH JARED, AND FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK, THAT BOOK, THAT BOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
-OKAY BUT AFTER WANDA GETS THE SOUL MEDICINE AND FIXES UP JAMIE'S LEG AND HE WAKES UP AND JARED'S ON HIS LEFT AND WANDAMEL'S ON HIS RIGHT AND IT'S LIKE THEY'RE A FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMILY, KILL ME! THEY'RE SO GREAT!
-THE #1 WAY IN WHICH THIS MOVIE ABSOLUTELY 100% KICKS THE BOOK'S ASS:
JARED'S NOT THE FUCKING WORST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAX IRONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DID SO WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Some of this is the writing, obvs, especially because there's a lot less tension between Jared and Ian in the movie [WHICH IS ALSO AWESOME???????????? I LOVED BASICALLY ANY SCENE THAT HAD WANDA DOING SOMETHING AND THOSE TWO TRAILING JUST BEHIND HER LIKE ORBITING MOONS. "YOU RUIN EVERYTHING, WANDA," KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] whereas in the book there are a ton of instances where Ian tells Jared to go fuck himself bc Jared tends to take Wanda at her word whereas Ian's more likely to call her on her bullshit and try to protect her from her own tendency to put herself last - there's not really a lot of emphasis on that in the movie, which is a minor loss for IAN O'SHEA but a huge gain for Jared not being a dick. THEY'RE BROS! IT'S GREAT!
-MAX IRONS. A+ JOB WITH THOSE "KISSING WANDA TO DRAW MEL OUT" SCENES. HIS FACE WHEN HE REALIZES SHE'S ALIVE IN THERE! "MEL, YOU BIT ME!" lolololol I LOVE IT I LOVE HIM.
-ALSO GREAT: JARED/WANDA'S NOT EVEN A THING, LIKE EVEN A LITTLE BIT? I mean the first time Ian tries to kiss Wanda she's like THIS BODY LOVES JARED, SO I LOVE JARED, but there's zero ~agony, BECAUSE MEL LOVES JARED LOVES MEL, AND WANDA LOVES IAN LOVES WANDA, IT'S JUST ANNOYING AND COMPLICATED BC MEL AND WANDA SHARE A BODY. [Ugh although now that I think about it I even miss Jared/Wanda a little bit????????? I'm absolutely delighted they mostly left it out of the movie rather than playing up the fucking love rhombus or whatever, but like, they way he comes to trust and respect her in his own way even as she's constantly second to Melanie for him, THE WAY HE THREATENS DOC WITH A KNIFE TO MAKE HIM SAVE HER, I'm pretty into all that in the book.]
-I SUPER MISSED WANDA'S FRIENDSHIP WITH DOC! AND ALL THAT STUFF WITH THE DUDE WHO HAD CANCER! AND HOW SHE WANTED TO BE BURIED NEXT TO HIM AND WES! I love the full sense of the community you get in the book and how gradually Wanda wins over everyone except for a few random assholes, and how some people are so fiercely TEAM WANDA that they'd feel weird around Melanie post-removal! I'm SO INTO THAT! But obviously that was never going to be in the movie OH WELL BYE.
-Hahahaha SUCKS TO BE AARON AND BRANDT, I GUESS??????? How ridiculous was that whole sequence, though? LIKE I GET THAT YOU HAD TO TOSS IN SOME ACTION BUT..........OKAY. THE SEEKERS JUST IGNORE THE NEARBY TRUCK THAT'S IDENTICAL TO THE ONE FULL OF HUMANS?
-THAT GLOW WORMS ROOM WAS COOL BUT NOBODY EVER MADE OUT IN THERE???????????????? OVERSIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-WILLIAM HURT WAS LEGIT PERFECT AS JEB
-OKAY, LET'S TALK ABOUT THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM:
"I held you in my hand, Wanderer. And you were so beautiful."
IS NOT EVEN IN THE FUCKING MOVIE. WHY DID WE EVEN INVENT CAMERAS AND SOUND RECORDING EQUIPMENT, THEN???????????????????????????????????????????????? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE POINT? I think this was the one thing I was legitimately unhappy about, because THAT LINE, JESUS CHRIST, FUCKING KILL ME EVERY SINGLE TIME.
I was especially shocked not to get it after they laid the groundwork for it with her being like IF YOU HELD ME IN YOUR HAND YOU'D THINK I WAS FUCKING GROSS, and they did come full circle on that with him holding the Seeker, which was super satisfying in some ways but also NOT AT ALL???????????????
a) LOL FOR DAYS AT HOW FUCKING SHINY THE SOULS WERE. Like, they're supposed to be at least a LITTLE gross, you know? THE HUMANS CALL THEM CENTIPEDES. THEY'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE OBJECTIVELY AWE-INSPIRING. [Actually I thought that was super weird in general about the opening sequence where Melanie's infested, how they played it in this super reverential way without a lot of effort to be like GROSS ALIENZ IN YR BRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
b) And LOL FOR FUCKING YEARS at how you...........coax the souls out with kindness? "JUST CUT A SLICE IN THE PERSON'S NECK AND THEN RUB AT IT LOVINGLY, THEY'LL COME OUT." THE SEEKER WOULDN'T STAND FOR THAT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!1
c) Ummmm but once you accept it as fact that SOULS SEEK OUT KIND HANDS LIKE FLOWERS TURNING TO FACE THE SUN, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh can we talk about how Wanda didn't just hand the Seeker off to Ian, THE SOUL JUST SLIDES RIGHT OVER TO HIS HANDS BECAUSE HE'S RADIATING KINDNESS AND WONDER? BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
d) But also overall it's still way less rewarding for that payoff to be an unspoken moment while he's holding the Seeker, who is an ACTUAL MONSTER, rather than him telling the love of his life that he thinks her gross worm form is BEAUTIFUL by whispering it into her hair because he doesn't give a shit about looking at her face while he says things to her because what's a face? MEL'S FACE, SHITTY NEW HOST'S FACE, GROSS CENTIPEDE FACE, THAT'S ALL HIS LADY LOVE.
e) OH ALSO I WAS WEIRDLY DISAPPOINTED BY HOW SMALL THE CRYOTANKS WERE? I WANT IT TO BE SOMETHING TOO BIG TO POCKET SO THAT WHEN IAN AND MEL FIGHT OVER CRYOTANK CUSTODY FOR A MONTH, THEY'RE FIGHTING OVER WHO GETS TO LUG AROUND A BIG UNWIELDY THING 24/7.
f) I MEAN, IN GENERAL, I COULD HAVE DONE WITH WAY MORE IAN/WANDA AT THE END? Because in the book after she wakes up THAT SHIT IS OFF THE CHARTS, although I was super appeased by them cuddling in the backseat on the DOUBLE DATE RAID and ESPECIALLY how he's like SHE'S OUR PRISONER and she TAKES HIS HAND AND SAYS SHE'S THEIR FRIENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND, oh my oh my NICE JOB WITH CHANGING THAT WHOLE SCENE, I'M INTO IT, I'M SO INTO IT.
g) Also I guess even if they HAD amped up the Wanda/Ian at the end it would have been super weird anyway because you'd have ZERO time to get used to Emily Browning as the new host and it wouldn't play as amazingly as you'd want it to? THAT'S STILL NO EXCUSE FOR LEAVING OUT "I HELD YOU IN MY HAND, WANDERER. AND YOU WERE SO BEAUTIFUL."
-In the absence of that line, "YOU. ARE. NOT. LEAVING. ME." moves into the top slot in the BEST LINE race, soooooooooooooo of course that scene was when all the teens in my row were like CURFEW, GOTTA GO and stepped over me one by one? THERE WERE LIKE NINE OF THEM. IF I WEREN'T SEEING THIS MOVIE AGAIN SATURDAY NIGHT I'D BE DISTRAUGHT. I MIRACULOUSLY DID NOT MURDER ANYONE AND WOULD LIKE A BILLION MEDALS FOR IT. IT'S LITERALLY THE MOST IMPORTANT MOMENT IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE AS FAR AS MY EMOTIONS ARE CONCERNED, AND I BARELY EVEN SAW IT.
Even with the horrifying distraction of a clown car's worth of youths crossing between me and the screen, THAT SCENE STILL KILLED ME, SO I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT IT'LL DO TO ME WHEN I ACTUALLY GET TO SEE IT. "YOU ARE NOT LEAVING ME," OH GOD, IT WAS SO GOOD, IT WAS SO PERFECT, AND THEN THE MAKING OUT, MELANIE STEPPING INTO THE OTHER ROOM SO WANDA HAD SOMETHING FOR HERSELF BEFORE SHE DIED, FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.
-JAKE ABEL NEEDS TO PUT HIS FUCKING FACE AWAY OH MY GOD, BOYFING IT UP ALL OVER THE PLACE, BOYFIEST BOYF WHO EVER FELL IN LOVE WITH A GROSS CENTIPEDE ALIEN WITH NO REGARD FOR HER PHYSICAL FORM, I was so so so worried that the movie would underplay Ian, because HE WAS NONEXISTENT IN SO MUCH OF THE MARKETING AND PROMOTION, but nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooopppppppppppppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee they clearly knew what was up, I'm so excited to see it again knowing FULLY that I have nothing to worry about because they did such a good job of making him PRESENT if you knew to keep an eye on him? Like wherever possible, Ian is in the shot, and Jake Abel's face is feeling some feelings and you can SEE! IT! ALL! HAPPENING! but even as I was constantly seeking him out because DUH I still wasn't feeling 100% secure that they were the movie's focus because I was so worried I'd be disappointed. BUT HE WAS SO GREAT! IAN IS SO GREAT! JAKE ABEL IS SO GREAT AS IAN! EVERYTHING IS GREAT AND I LOVE EVERYONE! FUCK, AFTER SHE SEES THE DEAD SOULS IN THE INFIRMARY [better in the book WHAT IS IT ABOUT THIS STEPHENIE MEYER NOVEL THAT IS SO SACRED TO ME??????????????] AND SHE GOES BACK TO HER CELL AND HE FINDS HER THERE IN THAT GODDAMN T-SHIRT BECAUSE OF COURSE HE ALWAYS KNOWS WHERE TO FIND HER AND HE JUST SITS THERE IN THE HALLWAY, RESPECTFULLY PUTTING A LOT OF DISTANCE BETWEEN THEM BECAUSE HE KNOWS SHE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE ANY OF THEM, BUT HE SAYS HE'S SORRY AND THEN HE SITS THERE WITH HER BUT NOT WITH HER, IN SILENCE, BECAUSE SHE NEEDS TO GO THROUGH WHATEVER SHE'S GOING THROUGH AND FEEL WHATEVER SHE'S GONNA FEEL AND IF SHE HATES HIM THEN THAT'S FINE, IF SHE WANTS TO TURN AWAY AND NOT LOOK AT HIM THAT'S FINE, BUT ANY TIME SHE DECIDES TO TURN HIS WAY HE IS GOING TO BE THERE AND THAT IS HIS PENANCE.
ARE
YOU
SHITTING
ME
The book explicitly states that he sat there for the full three days, which the movie didn't make a point of, but I am assuming the full three days apply here AND I AM WHOLEHEARTEDLY EMBRACING THIS MOMENT AS BEING WAY BETTER IN THE MOVIE THAN IN THE BOOK.
-SHE CAN STAY AT MY PLACE TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!! I'LL KEEP HER SAFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IN MY PANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT ACTUALLY HE LETS HER HAVE HIS ENTIRE ROOM AND JUST SETS HIMSELF UP ON A FUCKING CHAIR OUTSIDE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHILE SHE HANGS OUT ON HIS BED AND LOOKS THROUGH HIS BOOKS AND CHECKS OUT HIS ACOUSTIC GUITAR AND MELANIE KIND OF SCOFFS ABOUT WHAT A FUCKING CLICHE BOYF HE IS BUT WANDA DOESN'T KNOW WHAT A CLICHE IS SHE'S JUST DRAWN TO HOW FUCKING KIND AND LOVING HE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-THE CONSTANT HAND-HOLDING WHEN HE TAKES HER OUT OF THE CAVES AND KISSES HER FOR THE FIRST TIME. I CAN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT IT, I JUST HAVE TO MENTION IT. IT WAS JUST THIS NEVERENDING HAND-HOLDING-HAND CONTACT AND I KEPT EXPECTING IT TO END AND IT DIDN'T.
-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH "KISS ME LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO GET SLAPPED" okay bye sarah can't come to the phone because she's dead because ian o'shea killed her. AND THE WAY HE RESPONDS WHEN SHE TELLS HIM SHE'S JUST TRYING TO CALL MELANIE BACK, how he puts all his disappointment and hurt aside IMMEDIATELY and just goes and gets Jared [JUST WITH A MOTION OF HIS HEAD! BECAUSE THEY'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH SHIT TOGETHER THAT THEY JUST GET EACH OTHER! Once again: LIVING AND DYING for how much less antagonistic their relationship is in the movie. "I LIKED IT BETTER WHEN WE STOLE THINGS." BOYS!] and tells Jared to kiss THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE because WANDA'S NEEDS ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. [And I'm getting into book shit here, but that's RECIPROCAL, AND I LOVE IT, because she NEVER puts herself first so he ALWAYS puts her first just so that someone will, FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.] Fuck, scenes like that make me so excited to reread the book and then rewatch the movie and superimpose all of the book emotions onto the moments in the movie that don't have as much room for them? LIKE JAKE ABEL KILLED THAT, BUT THE MOVIE'S LIKE "WE GOTTA MOVE ON TO WANDA EXPLAINING TO JARED WHAT'S HAPPENING, THERE'S NO TIME TO FOCUS ON IAN'S WHOLE DEAL," which I get, but LIKE I SAID, I'm excited to reread the book so that my memory and Jake Abel's face can team up to FILL IN ALL THESE BLANKS.
IDK, IT'S ALMOST THREE IN THE MORNING, DID I GET EVERYTHING? THERE'S NO WAY I GOT EVERYTHING. THERE'S TOO MUCH TO EVER GET IT ALL.
IAN O'SHEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This entry was originally posted at http://dudski.dreamwidth.org/1451179.html because FUCK LIVEJOURNAL, FOR SERIOUS. You can comment over there or over here, I really don't care, but eventually you're all going to join me on DW, let's be real.
IAN O'SHEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU GUYS I'M JUST SO HAPPY, THE MARKETING HAD ME SO WORRIED ABOUT THIS GODDAMN MOVIE AND I DIDN'T NEED TO BE WORRIED AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Once I calm down and actually reread the book and see the movie again and can be objective about it instead of SCREAMING for the entire duration of the fifteen-minute drive home from the theater [GUYS I HAD SO MUCH NOISE BUILT UP INSIDE ME FROM ALL THE SCREAMING I DIDN'T DO DURING THE MOVIE], I think it's probably going to settle itself in my mind as a B/B+ adaptation but right now I'm just SO FUCKING RELIEVED THAT IT WASN'T THE JARED AND MELANIE SHOW THAT IT FEELS MOSTLY PERFECT.
IAN O'SHEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JAKE ABEL FOR ALL CATEGORIES AT THE FIRST ANNUAL IAN O'SHEA AWARDS AND EVERY SUBSEQUENT IAN O'SHEA AWARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
UGH okay I can't be coherent here is just a bunch of stuff:
-THE FIRST HALF HOUR OR HOWEVER MUCH OF THE MOVIE HAPPENS PRE-CAVES IS EXCRUCIATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU TRIED, MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 No, for real, they did everything they could and maybe people who don't already know the story would be into it? But the next billion times I see this movie I AM SHOWING UP HALF AN HOUR LATE. AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT.
-SPEAKING OF THE BEGINNING, THOUGH, WELL PLAYED, MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!! Literally the ONLY thing I cared about in that whole chunk of the movie were the frequent Jared/Melanie flashbacks, so even as I was like I SWEAR TO GOD IF THIS IS THE JARED AND MELANIE SHOW I WILL BURN THE CAVES TO THE GROUND I was ALSO like YESSSSSSSSSSSS MORE KISSING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA THEY TOTALLY AXED SMEYER'S WHOLE "NO SEX UNTIL YOU'RE EIGHTEEN, EVEN IN AN APOCALYPSE!!!!!!!" IN FAVOR OF JARED BEING LIKE "LOOK, JUST BECAUSE I'M THE ONLY LIVING MAN YOU'RE NOT RELATED TO, DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO FUCK ME," AND MELANIE BEING LIKE "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME." YOU GET YOURS, MELANIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Man, speaking of Melanie, though, I GUESS Saoirse Ronan did a really good job of playing both of them? But also it super weirded me out that Wanda could only address Mel BY SPEAKING OUT LOUD, which is also how I know that Wanda didn't address Mel NEARLY as much as Mel addressed her, because EVERY TIME Wanda did it I was like FUCK, THAT'S WEIRD!!!!!!!! So it was good from a minimal distractions standpoint that it didn't happen often, BUT ALSO, WANDA AND MELANIE ARE FUCKING AMAZING AND I LOVE THEIR FUCKED UP CODEPENDENT SYMBIOTIC ASSES, so it was kind of disappointing that they couldn't translate that properly.
-SOUL EYES LOOK SUPER, SUPER WEIRD. LIKE "FROM A CERTAIN ANGLE EVERYONE LOOKS LIKE THEY'VE GOT A POORLY-ALIGNED GLASS EYE" WEIRD.
-I REALLY MISSED WANDA'S FRIENDSHIP WITH DOC AND ALL HER STORIES ABOUT BEING A SPACE POLAR BEAR!!!!!!!!!!!! I always forget how much I SERIOUSLY LOVE this book on more than just an EMOTIONS ALL THE TIME level but there are a million little strands from it that I was like AW, I LOVE THAT, I WISH IT COULD HAVE BEEN IN THE MOVIE.
-The de-aging was FINE all things considered, because Jamie didn't really do much? Not in a bad way, just in a way where it didn't matter much that Jamie's supposed to be fifteen and WISE AND WEARY BEYOND HIS YEARS because he was, obviously, way more of a kid in the movie. HE WAS DELIGHTFUL AND I FELT A LOT OF THINGS but that scene where Jeb hands him the shotgun really kind of highlights how much younger movie Jamie is - it's more of a joke in the movie but it's kind of an OH FUCK moment for Melanie when she realizes how much Jamie has grown up without her. [AND FUCK, NOW I'M THINKING ABOUT ALL THE DIFFERENCES SHE SEES IN HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH JARED, AND FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK, THAT BOOK, THAT BOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
-OKAY BUT AFTER WANDA GETS THE SOUL MEDICINE AND FIXES UP JAMIE'S LEG AND HE WAKES UP AND JARED'S ON HIS LEFT AND WANDAMEL'S ON HIS RIGHT AND IT'S LIKE THEY'RE A FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMILY, KILL ME! THEY'RE SO GREAT!
-THE #1 WAY IN WHICH THIS MOVIE ABSOLUTELY 100% KICKS THE BOOK'S ASS:
JARED'S NOT THE FUCKING WORST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAX IRONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DID SO WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Some of this is the writing, obvs, especially because there's a lot less tension between Jared and Ian in the movie [WHICH IS ALSO AWESOME???????????? I LOVED BASICALLY ANY SCENE THAT HAD WANDA DOING SOMETHING AND THOSE TWO TRAILING JUST BEHIND HER LIKE ORBITING MOONS. "YOU RUIN EVERYTHING, WANDA," KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] whereas in the book there are a ton of instances where Ian tells Jared to go fuck himself bc Jared tends to take Wanda at her word whereas Ian's more likely to call her on her bullshit and try to protect her from her own tendency to put herself last - there's not really a lot of emphasis on that in the movie, which is a minor loss for IAN O'SHEA but a huge gain for Jared not being a dick. THEY'RE BROS! IT'S GREAT!
-MAX IRONS. A+ JOB WITH THOSE "KISSING WANDA TO DRAW MEL OUT" SCENES. HIS FACE WHEN HE REALIZES SHE'S ALIVE IN THERE! "MEL, YOU BIT ME!" lolololol I LOVE IT I LOVE HIM.
-ALSO GREAT: JARED/WANDA'S NOT EVEN A THING, LIKE EVEN A LITTLE BIT? I mean the first time Ian tries to kiss Wanda she's like THIS BODY LOVES JARED, SO I LOVE JARED, but there's zero ~agony, BECAUSE MEL LOVES JARED LOVES MEL, AND WANDA LOVES IAN LOVES WANDA, IT'S JUST ANNOYING AND COMPLICATED BC MEL AND WANDA SHARE A BODY. [Ugh although now that I think about it I even miss Jared/Wanda a little bit????????? I'm absolutely delighted they mostly left it out of the movie rather than playing up the fucking love rhombus or whatever, but like, they way he comes to trust and respect her in his own way even as she's constantly second to Melanie for him, THE WAY HE THREATENS DOC WITH A KNIFE TO MAKE HIM SAVE HER, I'm pretty into all that in the book.]
-I SUPER MISSED WANDA'S FRIENDSHIP WITH DOC! AND ALL THAT STUFF WITH THE DUDE WHO HAD CANCER! AND HOW SHE WANTED TO BE BURIED NEXT TO HIM AND WES! I love the full sense of the community you get in the book and how gradually Wanda wins over everyone except for a few random assholes, and how some people are so fiercely TEAM WANDA that they'd feel weird around Melanie post-removal! I'm SO INTO THAT! But obviously that was never going to be in the movie OH WELL BYE.
-Hahahaha SUCKS TO BE AARON AND BRANDT, I GUESS??????? How ridiculous was that whole sequence, though? LIKE I GET THAT YOU HAD TO TOSS IN SOME ACTION BUT..........OKAY. THE SEEKERS JUST IGNORE THE NEARBY TRUCK THAT'S IDENTICAL TO THE ONE FULL OF HUMANS?
-THAT GLOW WORMS ROOM WAS COOL BUT NOBODY EVER MADE OUT IN THERE???????????????? OVERSIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-WILLIAM HURT WAS LEGIT PERFECT AS JEB
-OKAY, LET'S TALK ABOUT THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM:
"I held you in my hand, Wanderer. And you were so beautiful."
IS NOT EVEN IN THE FUCKING MOVIE. WHY DID WE EVEN INVENT CAMERAS AND SOUND RECORDING EQUIPMENT, THEN???????????????????????????????????????????????? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE POINT? I think this was the one thing I was legitimately unhappy about, because THAT LINE, JESUS CHRIST, FUCKING KILL ME EVERY SINGLE TIME.
I was especially shocked not to get it after they laid the groundwork for it with her being like IF YOU HELD ME IN YOUR HAND YOU'D THINK I WAS FUCKING GROSS, and they did come full circle on that with him holding the Seeker, which was super satisfying in some ways but also NOT AT ALL???????????????
a) LOL FOR DAYS AT HOW FUCKING SHINY THE SOULS WERE. Like, they're supposed to be at least a LITTLE gross, you know? THE HUMANS CALL THEM CENTIPEDES. THEY'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE OBJECTIVELY AWE-INSPIRING. [Actually I thought that was super weird in general about the opening sequence where Melanie's infested, how they played it in this super reverential way without a lot of effort to be like GROSS ALIENZ IN YR BRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
b) And LOL FOR FUCKING YEARS at how you...........coax the souls out with kindness? "JUST CUT A SLICE IN THE PERSON'S NECK AND THEN RUB AT IT LOVINGLY, THEY'LL COME OUT." THE SEEKER WOULDN'T STAND FOR THAT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!1
c) Ummmm but once you accept it as fact that SOULS SEEK OUT KIND HANDS LIKE FLOWERS TURNING TO FACE THE SUN, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh can we talk about how Wanda didn't just hand the Seeker off to Ian, THE SOUL JUST SLIDES RIGHT OVER TO HIS HANDS BECAUSE HE'S RADIATING KINDNESS AND WONDER? BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
d) But also overall it's still way less rewarding for that payoff to be an unspoken moment while he's holding the Seeker, who is an ACTUAL MONSTER, rather than him telling the love of his life that he thinks her gross worm form is BEAUTIFUL by whispering it into her hair because he doesn't give a shit about looking at her face while he says things to her because what's a face? MEL'S FACE, SHITTY NEW HOST'S FACE, GROSS CENTIPEDE FACE, THAT'S ALL HIS LADY LOVE.
e) OH ALSO I WAS WEIRDLY DISAPPOINTED BY HOW SMALL THE CRYOTANKS WERE? I WANT IT TO BE SOMETHING TOO BIG TO POCKET SO THAT WHEN IAN AND MEL FIGHT OVER CRYOTANK CUSTODY FOR A MONTH, THEY'RE FIGHTING OVER WHO GETS TO LUG AROUND A BIG UNWIELDY THING 24/7.
f) I MEAN, IN GENERAL, I COULD HAVE DONE WITH WAY MORE IAN/WANDA AT THE END? Because in the book after she wakes up THAT SHIT IS OFF THE CHARTS, although I was super appeased by them cuddling in the backseat on the DOUBLE DATE RAID and ESPECIALLY how he's like SHE'S OUR PRISONER and she TAKES HIS HAND AND SAYS SHE'S THEIR FRIENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND, oh my oh my NICE JOB WITH CHANGING THAT WHOLE SCENE, I'M INTO IT, I'M SO INTO IT.
g) Also I guess even if they HAD amped up the Wanda/Ian at the end it would have been super weird anyway because you'd have ZERO time to get used to Emily Browning as the new host and it wouldn't play as amazingly as you'd want it to? THAT'S STILL NO EXCUSE FOR LEAVING OUT "I HELD YOU IN MY HAND, WANDERER. AND YOU WERE SO BEAUTIFUL."
-In the absence of that line, "YOU. ARE. NOT. LEAVING. ME." moves into the top slot in the BEST LINE race, soooooooooooooo of course that scene was when all the teens in my row were like CURFEW, GOTTA GO and stepped over me one by one? THERE WERE LIKE NINE OF THEM. IF I WEREN'T SEEING THIS MOVIE AGAIN SATURDAY NIGHT I'D BE DISTRAUGHT. I MIRACULOUSLY DID NOT MURDER ANYONE AND WOULD LIKE A BILLION MEDALS FOR IT. IT'S LITERALLY THE MOST IMPORTANT MOMENT IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE AS FAR AS MY EMOTIONS ARE CONCERNED, AND I BARELY EVEN SAW IT.
Even with the horrifying distraction of a clown car's worth of youths crossing between me and the screen, THAT SCENE STILL KILLED ME, SO I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT IT'LL DO TO ME WHEN I ACTUALLY GET TO SEE IT. "YOU ARE NOT LEAVING ME," OH GOD, IT WAS SO GOOD, IT WAS SO PERFECT, AND THEN THE MAKING OUT, MELANIE STEPPING INTO THE OTHER ROOM SO WANDA HAD SOMETHING FOR HERSELF BEFORE SHE DIED, FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.
-JAKE ABEL NEEDS TO PUT HIS FUCKING FACE AWAY OH MY GOD, BOYFING IT UP ALL OVER THE PLACE, BOYFIEST BOYF WHO EVER FELL IN LOVE WITH A GROSS CENTIPEDE ALIEN WITH NO REGARD FOR HER PHYSICAL FORM, I was so so so worried that the movie would underplay Ian, because HE WAS NONEXISTENT IN SO MUCH OF THE MARKETING AND PROMOTION, but nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooopppppppppppppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee they clearly knew what was up, I'm so excited to see it again knowing FULLY that I have nothing to worry about because they did such a good job of making him PRESENT if you knew to keep an eye on him? Like wherever possible, Ian is in the shot, and Jake Abel's face is feeling some feelings and you can SEE! IT! ALL! HAPPENING! but even as I was constantly seeking him out because DUH I still wasn't feeling 100% secure that they were the movie's focus because I was so worried I'd be disappointed. BUT HE WAS SO GREAT! IAN IS SO GREAT! JAKE ABEL IS SO GREAT AS IAN! EVERYTHING IS GREAT AND I LOVE EVERYONE! FUCK, AFTER SHE SEES THE DEAD SOULS IN THE INFIRMARY [better in the book WHAT IS IT ABOUT THIS STEPHENIE MEYER NOVEL THAT IS SO SACRED TO ME??????????????] AND SHE GOES BACK TO HER CELL AND HE FINDS HER THERE IN THAT GODDAMN T-SHIRT BECAUSE OF COURSE HE ALWAYS KNOWS WHERE TO FIND HER AND HE JUST SITS THERE IN THE HALLWAY, RESPECTFULLY PUTTING A LOT OF DISTANCE BETWEEN THEM BECAUSE HE KNOWS SHE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE ANY OF THEM, BUT HE SAYS HE'S SORRY AND THEN HE SITS THERE WITH HER BUT NOT WITH HER, IN SILENCE, BECAUSE SHE NEEDS TO GO THROUGH WHATEVER SHE'S GOING THROUGH AND FEEL WHATEVER SHE'S GONNA FEEL AND IF SHE HATES HIM THEN THAT'S FINE, IF SHE WANTS TO TURN AWAY AND NOT LOOK AT HIM THAT'S FINE, BUT ANY TIME SHE DECIDES TO TURN HIS WAY HE IS GOING TO BE THERE AND THAT IS HIS PENANCE.
ARE
YOU
SHITTING
ME
The book explicitly states that he sat there for the full three days, which the movie didn't make a point of, but I am assuming the full three days apply here AND I AM WHOLEHEARTEDLY EMBRACING THIS MOMENT AS BEING WAY BETTER IN THE MOVIE THAN IN THE BOOK.
-SHE CAN STAY AT MY PLACE TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!! I'LL KEEP HER SAFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IN MY PANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT ACTUALLY HE LETS HER HAVE HIS ENTIRE ROOM AND JUST SETS HIMSELF UP ON A FUCKING CHAIR OUTSIDE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHILE SHE HANGS OUT ON HIS BED AND LOOKS THROUGH HIS BOOKS AND CHECKS OUT HIS ACOUSTIC GUITAR AND MELANIE KIND OF SCOFFS ABOUT WHAT A FUCKING CLICHE BOYF HE IS BUT WANDA DOESN'T KNOW WHAT A CLICHE IS SHE'S JUST DRAWN TO HOW FUCKING KIND AND LOVING HE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-THE CONSTANT HAND-HOLDING WHEN HE TAKES HER OUT OF THE CAVES AND KISSES HER FOR THE FIRST TIME. I CAN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT IT, I JUST HAVE TO MENTION IT. IT WAS JUST THIS NEVERENDING HAND-HOLDING-HAND CONTACT AND I KEPT EXPECTING IT TO END AND IT DIDN'T.
-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH "KISS ME LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO GET SLAPPED" okay bye sarah can't come to the phone because she's dead because ian o'shea killed her. AND THE WAY HE RESPONDS WHEN SHE TELLS HIM SHE'S JUST TRYING TO CALL MELANIE BACK, how he puts all his disappointment and hurt aside IMMEDIATELY and just goes and gets Jared [JUST WITH A MOTION OF HIS HEAD! BECAUSE THEY'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH SHIT TOGETHER THAT THEY JUST GET EACH OTHER! Once again: LIVING AND DYING for how much less antagonistic their relationship is in the movie. "I LIKED IT BETTER WHEN WE STOLE THINGS." BOYS!] and tells Jared to kiss THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE because WANDA'S NEEDS ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. [And I'm getting into book shit here, but that's RECIPROCAL, AND I LOVE IT, because she NEVER puts herself first so he ALWAYS puts her first just so that someone will, FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.] Fuck, scenes like that make me so excited to reread the book and then rewatch the movie and superimpose all of the book emotions onto the moments in the movie that don't have as much room for them? LIKE JAKE ABEL KILLED THAT, BUT THE MOVIE'S LIKE "WE GOTTA MOVE ON TO WANDA EXPLAINING TO JARED WHAT'S HAPPENING, THERE'S NO TIME TO FOCUS ON IAN'S WHOLE DEAL," which I get, but LIKE I SAID, I'm excited to reread the book so that my memory and Jake Abel's face can team up to FILL IN ALL THESE BLANKS.
IDK, IT'S ALMOST THREE IN THE MORNING, DID I GET EVERYTHING? THERE'S NO WAY I GOT EVERYTHING. THERE'S TOO MUCH TO EVER GET IT ALL.
IAN O'SHEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This entry was originally posted at http://dudski.dreamwidth.org/1451179.html because FUCK LIVEJOURNAL, FOR SERIOUS. You can comment over there or over here, I really don't care, but eventually you're all going to join me on DW, let's be real.