america fuck jeah: a picspam in eight parts
Today is Ryan Lochte's birthday and also his Olympic events are all over. [BUT SOMEHOW THE OLYMPICS GO ON FOR ANOTHER TEN DAYS OR WHATEVER? WHAT EVEN IS LEFT? The girl I went to high school with I guess isn't going to medal, but she still has races left? Rowing is weird. THE BEST PART OF HER OLYMPIC JOURNEY FOR ME WAS FINDING OUT THAT HER FULL FIRST NAME IS GENEVRA.] I am VERY grateful to Ryan Lochte for getting me through this exceptionally trying work week, so it seemed like this was the least I could do.
irishmizzy's picspam is a must so you should probably check that out first since she actually uses words and knows what other swimmers are named because she has been paying attention for more than a week. THE VIDEO ESPECIALLY because it is basically everything you ever need to know about Ryan Lochte.
This is also everything you need to know about Ryan Lochte:
If a picture is worth a thousand words, this one is worth "Ryan Lochte's a big dumb goon and I love him" a hundred times over.
ANYWAY, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO:
AMERICA FUCK JEAH
a picspam in eight parts
PART ONE: RYAN LOCHTE AND COLORFUL SPEEDOS
FACT this photo is from an album depicting the time Ryan went and visited a youth swim club or whatever. ALL THE OTHER PHOTOS: RYAN AND CHILDREN. THIS PHOTO: RYAN WEARING NOTHING BUT A SPEEDO, A MEDAL, AND THAT FUCKING FEDORA.
PART TWO: RYAN LOCHTE AND PEOPLE
HAHAHA I JUST LOVE PHELPS IN THIS.
I was dying the whole time this was happening, POOR CSEH, OFF TO THE SIDE, TOTALLY IGNORED.
PART THREE: RYAN LOCHTE AND SHOES
“Ho, I think I have about, a total of 130 pairs of shoes,” Mr. Lochte said, warming to the subject. “So you can say I like shoes.” (“Ho” is another Lochte-ism, kind of like the inverse of Homer Simpson’s “D’oh!”)
These are some of Ryan Lochte's shoes. Ryan Lochte loves his sneakers almost as much as he loves his grills, so it is tragic that he is not allowed to wear EITHER on the podium. [Ryan Lochte knows how to work the system, though, so it's cool.]
These are Ryan Lochte's favorite sneakers because when they get wet, they spell his name out on dry ground, and they leave imprints in the sand so everyone knows RYAN WAS HERE. Also they say JEAH on the back because why wouldn't they.
PART FOUR: RYAN LOCHTE AND ANIMALS
This is Ryan and his chest and his dog, Carter.
On certain days, Lochte's brother Devon will come home from his classes at Florida, walk into the house and find Lochte sitting on the back patio with his Doberman, Carter, by his side. No one else will be around.
Devon says there are days when he'll pop into the house and find his brother all cuddled up on the floor with Carter, the two of them lying face-to-face as Ryan whispers to his pooch.
"I'll walk in and be like, 'Ry, what are you doing?'" Devon says. "And he'll be like, 'Umm, uh, well, just playing with Carter.'"
"That's probably the only Doberman in the world that's a lapdog. And Ryan is the reason."
PART FIVE: RYAN LOCHTE AND POPPED COLLARS
Ryan Lochte, shrug all you want, but you are NOT. FORGIVEN.
I went to a really preppy school, you guys.
And there weren't any boys.
But we had brother schools.
Which were FULL of super preppy boys.
So as much as I would like to be above these photos?
I'm not.
At all.
THIS SHIT'S NOT FAIR.
PART SIX: RYAN LOCHTE AND DEEP THOUGHTS
ROCK PAPER SICCOR
"Or like I'll have a raindrop falling, that's turning into a fish, which turns into, like, a comet, that's shooting out of like, a egg, which is like a world."
Over the years, Deery says he and Lochte have had countless bottle rocket fights that have escalated into mortar shell wars. Basically, the two chuck bombs at each other to see whether they can get out of the way fast enough.
Click to viewFrom the comments on that video:
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW, TOO MEAN! AND YET I LAUGHED FOREVER. :(
[ALSO DELIGHTFUL WATCHING: this mess that the 7x4 and "my screensaver is rocks" clips are from, this video of him and Michael Phelps talking that is like the polar opposite of when a great celebrity does a great job of interviewing another great celebrity for Interview, this preview of RYAN LOCHTE'S HARDCORE FITNESS DVD SERIES, "his nickname's Weezy, so, since my name's Ryan, it starts with an R, so...", "that brings to mind a girl with a big butt...a romper."]
PART SEVEN: RYAN LOCHTE AND OTHER SARTORIAL CHOICES
It's awkward because he's really not smart enough for that shirt to be funny in the way it's intended.
I ALMOST PUT THIS UNDER "RYAN LOCHTE AND ANIMALS" BECAUSE WHAT IS THAT MUSTACHE, PHELPS?
Fuck, can you imagine how briefly ECSTATIC you would be if your doctor walked into the room and it was Ryan Lochte, and then how that would immediately change into paralyzing fear when you realized that your life was in Ryan Lochte's hands?
That may look like some kind of team har but NOPE, RL FOR RYAN LOCHTE.
Okay.
MY QUESTION IS HOW DID EVERYONE DEAL WITH THIS HAIR IN 2008, HOW IS THIS A THING THAT HAPPENED AND WAS ALLOWED TO HAPPEN AND EVERYONE WAS JUST OKAY WITH. THE GRILL PLUS THE HAIR MAKES HIM LOOK LIKE A FOURTEEN YEAR OLD WITH A MOUTH FULL OF BRACES.
Mr. Lochte will always find a way to make his coach sweat: he once sustained an injury at home, break-dancing.
"He has potential for winning golds, and then just the fact that he’s so damn good-looking. If he can’t beat Michael Phelps in anything else, he can beat him in that category."
YES.
PART EIGHT: RYAN LOCHTE AND CHILDREN
IDK who is having a better time, the girl his arm is around or the girl in the front row who's wearing his hat. [LOVE the incredulous two in the front who are turning back and probably mentally screaming "OH MY GOD SHE'S TOUCHING RYAN LOCHTE."]
NVM, THE GIRL WHO GOT TO WEAR THE MEDAL AND SIT ON HIS LAP IS APPARENTLY HAVING THE BETTER DAY. [THESE ARE THE PHOTOS THAT "FEDORA, SPEEDO, AND MEDAL" PHOTO ACCOMPANIED, BTW.]
As I said to irishmizzy: That girl clearly cannot bear to look directly at him anymore and instead is just staring through the camera and through our computer screens to look directly at us, because she knows we understand and support her.
This is Ryan's nephew, Zaydin! He also has a niece whose name I can't remember because it only ever comes up when there are pictures of him holding her and uhhhhhhhhhhhhh look at this shit and tell me if you can remember your OWN name let alone some random baby's:
"I'm afraid of being a bad father," Lochte says.
"That would be terrifying if I wasn't able to support my kids and give them everything they want."
"My family was always there to love and support me," Lochte says. "They filled my life with so much love."
"I just see so many kids whose parents aren't there. I want to be there for those first steps, those first words."
"And yet I have this profession where maybe I won't be able to be there."
"I just have this fear of not being there to be a part of my child's life."
"And I don't want to miss anything."
IS EVERYONE OKAY? I'M REALLY SORRY, I SHOULD HAVE INSTITUTED THE BUDDY SYSTEM OR SOMETHING TO MAKE SURE YOU'D ALL MAKE IT OUT ALIVE. :/ MY BAD. HERE, HAVE THIS AS MY APOLOGY:
This just proves that there HAS to be some poor Coulson figure at the IOC whose one job is keeping this dude in line, right? CONFISCATE HIS GRILLS AND MAKE SURE HE KEEPS HIS PANTS ON.
IN CONCLUSION:
ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT REEZY LOVES YOU.