Fic: Prompt 51
Title: An Invite to Dinner in Bizarro World
Author: luvscharlie
Prompt: 51. Dudley/Millicent "blood"
Pairings: Dudley Dursley/Millicent Bulstrode; Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley
Rating: Light R
Warnings: Off screen past character deaths, light adult content, language
Word count: 3,812
Summary/Excerpt: Harry had always believed that if Dudley ever found a woman foolish enough to marry the big oaf, she'd be the biggest Muggle that ever muggled. He couldn't be more wrong.
Author's notes: I opted to take the prompt of "blood" and explore the blood tie between Dudley and his only cousin. As much as this is Dudley's fest, it was Harry that most wanted to do the talking, so I let him. There are slight references to the old Demi Moore movie The Seventh Sign. Thanks to L. for the beta work.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all associated characters and settings remain the intellectual property of JK Rowling and her associates. We are very grateful for permission to play with them.
"Are you sure we have to go?" Harry asked, running his hand through his untameable hair. When he was finished it looked no different than when he'd started.
Ginny gave him that look. "He's making an effort to reconnect with you, Harry. Besides family is important, and you could stand to try a little harder. He's your cousin… the only one you have, and his parents were killed in a car crash a few months back. I'd think you could manage some empathy."
It was hard to mourn Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia, but Harry could at least appreciate that Dudley, who had been their shining star, must have been devastated by the loss. He also thought it was pretty ironic that his aunt and uncle had met death in the way they had told Harry his own parents had died. Still, Harry hadn't forgotten the misery of the life he had lived with the Dursleys. "I think I get a pass on this one." Harry crossed his arms, then caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror across the way, realised he looked all of ten years old, slumped and pouty and he uncrossed them quickly and stood up a little straighter. "I mean, I was the one who was tortured and tormented by the family monster for years."
"You had a family monster? Was it anything like the ghoul in the-err, that was figurative language, eh? How embarrassing." Ginny, ever the optimist, smiled and reached for her cloak. "And now you're being invited for dinner, and you're going to go and be polite. Dudley is your cousin and he says he has important news for you. Now go wash your face and tuck in your shirt so we're not late."
"Exactly when did you become my mother? I'm pretty sure I married you; I didn't beg you to adopt me."
Ginny put on the voice that went with that look. "I suggest you move. NOW."
"If you call me young man, I'm demanding a divorce." Despite his bit of sassy lip, Harry scampered away in fear, and only felt brave enough to mutter what a total bitch she was when he was in the loo and out of earshot. He obediently tucked in his shirt and washed his face. He looked at himself in the mirror and ran a rebellious hand all through his hair to make it look more mussed than usual.
The mirror, traitor that it was, sounded out in an alarmingly loud and clear voice. "You can't entertain company if you do that to your hair."
"Oh my god, shut up!" Harry hissed, keeping his voice as quiet as possible.
"He's trying to make himself a fright!" the Mirror chimed out.
"Tattle tale!" Harry stuck out his tongue before exiting the loo, and the mirror screeched at his retreating back, "Could you be any more childish, Harry James Potter?"
He was just about to respond that the mirror was going to be finding itself out in the rubbish bin next trash morning, when he looked up and saw Ginny, arms crossed (and not looking nearly so childish as he had just a few minutes before) and tapping her foot, with a look that made it pretty clear he wasn't getting lucky later tonight. Damn. He'd really been hoping to look forward to that as he suffered through dinner with one of his least favourite people in the world.
"I was just giving the mirror a firm talking to. It intentionally made your bum look big in your new dress," Harry said. Ginny glared. Bad idea, then. Pasting a fake smile on his face, Harry offered a gentlemanly arm to his wife. "Ready then?"
Ginny pinched his ear and gave it a hard tug, and then took his arm and Apparated them both to the Apparation point nearest to Dudley's address.
"You know," Harry said, "this looks a little like Hogsmeade."
"You are a sharp one." Ginny deadpanned the words and then pointed her wand at a sign that read 'The Three Broomsticks'.
Harry was taken aback. He wasn't sure what to make of any of this. What the bloody hell was Dudley doing anywhere near Hogsmeade? In fact, Harry was pretty sure that Dudley's type wasn't allowed anywhere near the wizarding village, and equally sure that it was the last place that Dudley would ever want to be, given his fear of magic.
Ginny looked at a tiny piece of parchment that she had folded in her pocket and turned left.
"Where did you get that?" Harry asked.
"From your cousin, of course. It's his address and our invitation to dinner."
"On parchment?" When did Dudley start using parchment? Parchment was for wizards. "How did it arrive?" Harry asked.
Ginny snorted. "Harry, did that mirror grow arms and knock every bit of sense from your head? It came by owl, of course."
Harry's mouth just fell open. "By owl? By owl? Are you absolutely sure?"
Ginny had lost her patience with his questions. "Well, I guess the owl that flew through our kitchen window could have been an elephant in disguise." She swatted him on the head with the parchment in her hand. "Yes, I'm absolutely sure it was an owl."
"But, but-" Harry was just walking beside Ginny following where she lead. "I mean, Dudley's a Muggle."
"I know that. His girlfriend, however, is apparently a witch."
He might have focused on the witch part, except that wasn't the most shocking word Ginny had said. Granted, nothing about the sentence felt right, but Harry focused on the most ludicrous part: "Dudley's got a girlfriend?"
"He does. The letter from your cousin indicated that the witch was in your year at school. So, apparently we know her."
That narrowed things down. Harry immediately grimaced. If he had to spend an evening with Pansy Parkinson and Dudley Dursley… "I think I want to go back home now." Harry was feeling nauseous.
Ginny grabbed Harry's hand and tugged him along as he scuffed his feet and whined incessantly. Harry only stopped complaining when Ginny threatened no sex for a week. One evening of terror wasn't worth a week's worth of lonely Little Harry. Little Harry would be sad. Thus, Harry pasted on his false face, and attempted to convince himself that there was a positive side to the evening; his wife was about to get a tableside seat to the terror that had been his childhood. That would surely earn him some good sympathy sex. He didn't believe his cousin had changed that much. Dudley might have grown up, but he was still a Dursley down deep where it counted. He'd probably only invited Harry over to give him a super wedgie or something. Funny, there were some things that no matter how old you got, you just didn't outgrow or overcome.
They arrived at the door to Dudley's Hogsmeade villa in a few minutes, and Harry had to admit that the place had a nice cosy ambiance about it. It almost felt-Harry hated to admit it but the word that was bouncing around inside his head was "homey".
Ginny knocked and gave Harry that look again. He was going to have to reconsider ever having children; that look was something that he thought mothers probably did to let children know they were out of line, and it was terrifying. Their children would need therapy for years if Ginny got any better at that.
The door was thrown open by Dudley, who hurled himself at Harry and grabbed him up into a bone-crushing, rib-breaking hug. "Little Cousin!" Dudley shouted, swinging Harry about. "Oh, it's so good to see you!"
"Ribs… pain… probably not supposed to be making that crunching sound… OWWW!" Harry was certain if this went on much longer he was going to get out of dinner, but make a one way trip straight to St Mungo's to remove the pointy end of his rib from his newly deflated lung.
And that's when bad got worse. Dudley's girlfriend came out to "save" the day. It wasn't Pansy Parkinson… but it wasn't much better either.
"Drop him this instant!" Millicent Bulstrode had her hands on her wide hips, and she was sending her best Slytherin glare in Dudley's immediate direction. It was eerily similar to Ginny's "look". Did girls become a certain age and gain that magical power? Was it preparation for putting the fear of Merlin in their future children?
Of course, if Dudley was going to be attracted to a witch, it only made sense that it would be a Slytherin. Harry was rubbing his side and glaring at the witch before him.
Ginny took the high road and tried to make nice. "Hello, Millie. It's been a long time since I last saw you. In fact, I do believe the last time was when I glimpsed your big old skirt running out of Hogwarts right before the Final Battle."
Okay, perhaps Ginny's high road wasn't so high. But he was relatively proud of his wife's spunk. She was a spitfire when she wanted to be, his Ginny.
Millie clenched her fists, but with a look from Dudley she pasted one of Harry's fake smiles on her face (he'd recognise that anywhere), invited her guests inside and offered them some wine. Harry couldn't get his glass fast enough. He drained the first one and asked for a refill immediately. With wine came fortification-he hoped.
Dudley grinned. "You sure about that, little cos? I mean, you're a bit of a light weight and this is some pretty strong libations."
Harry didn't think they made wine strong enough to get him through the night, and when had Dudley learned a word with three whole syllables? He even used it correctly in the sentence. "Hit me again." Dudley poured him a small bit in his wine glass and handed it over. Then he moved the bottle to the kitchen and away from Harry.
"How you been, Cousin?" Dudley asked. "We haven't talked in so long; I was really excited when my Millie said that she'd got an owl back accepting our invite for dinner."
Harry scowled at Ginny, who had obviously accepted days before, though Harry had only learned of the dinner today. Ginny grinned guiltily. Harry opted for polite acceptance. "It's good to see you, Dudley. Thank you for the invite." He even left out the part that if Dudley pinched him or kicked him under the table, he'd hex his arse faster than he could say Gooseberry Jam.
"Well, I'm getting married and I had to get you over here to agree to be my best man, didn't I?"
"Well-er-um-ugh-eep." There were just no words that would form, despite Harry's many attempts to make them flow past his lips. He wanted to say, 'You're marrying her? Dear Merlin, your children will be hideous! Don't do it!' And he was surprised that the words didn't flow before he could rein them back in. Usually, it was the words he wanted to take back that were a problem, not the ones he couldn't form.
Dudley grinned. "My Millie-girl did that." He near beamed with pride. "She said you'd be a bit of a snot when you got here, so for the first hour, you're not allowed to say anything insulting. It'll ruin dinner. Millie hates when dinner gets ruined. After that you'll be free to speak your mind, but I warn you, Harry, my girl, she's got a temper."
Harry found it most disturbing that out of the two of them-Millie and Dudley-Millie was the one that Harry needed to be fearful of. After his childhood, it was sort of difficult to imagine worse than Dudley. Harry wanted to say something about Millicent Bulstrode's temper; he even opened his mouth and formed the words. They came out all wrong. They came out, "Who? Millie? She's sweet as pie."
Dudley giggled. "She's something, eh? That's one of hers too. She does love compliments, my Millie. Keeps me laughing with her little spells and jokes."
Harry's head was beginning to pound and the world was going kind of tilty. He reached out and grasped a green chair in the living room. He tried to think back to yesterday. He was pretty sure the world didn't end, but he wasn't ruling out having been propelled into some bizarro world. It was certainly an easier to believe explanation than the idea that Dudley had changed this much. He hadn't clocked Harry once since he'd come in; there'd been that bone crunching hug, but Harry was pretty sure that was affectionate. Painful… but genuinely affectionate.
Just when Harry was beginning to think that this was Ron polyjuiced as some type of practical joke (and a good one, Harry had to admit!), Dudley thumped Harry on the back of the head.
"I think you've forgot your manners, cousin. You haven't introduced me to this lovely lady you've brought with you."
Lovely lady? A thump from Dudley that didn't really hurt, hadn't even knocked his glasses askew much-Harry didn't know what to say. Bizarro World. Just had to be. As he stammered and imitated a fish by opening and closing his mouth, Ginny stepped forward all smiles and introduced herself to Dudley as Harry's wife.
"Millie saw you'd got married in that silly paper that the owl brings. Did you know the pictures wave? And sometimes, if I spill my morning coffee on the ladies, they screech and run and fuss about how I've ruined their hair." Dudley chuckled and Harry found that it was a little infectious. He giggled a bit himself.
Then Dudley kissed Ginny's proffered hand, and Harry choked a bit on his tongue. He was convinced; Polyjuice had to be the answer. He wondered if there was Polyjuice Potion in Bizarro World. That would really explain things. Dudley Dursley didn't act this way… ever. Harry began looking hard at Dudley for any clue as to his true identity.
"We're testing a new Wheezes product, aren't we?" Harry gave Ginny a look that indicated that he was on to this scheme and he'd worked it all out.
Ginny was playing the coy actress. She shook her head negatively and looked like Harry was embarrassing her. He'd seen that blush too many times not to recognise it.
Millie came back into the room at that time and looked back and forth at each of them. "What's going on here?" she asked.
"I think my cousin's having some kind of an episode." Dudley whispered, but he'd never been that good at quiet talk, and everyone heard him. He leaned towards Ginny and put his hand up in secretive fashion to cover his mouth. "Should we get him to a doctor or a healer-Millie says you all use healers, I keep forgetting? Maybe he got zapped at work earlier and he's losing his marbles. Millie says that can happen if you're not careful with your magic sticks. It's why she doesn't allow me to touch hers."
Dudley hadn't followed that up with any rude gestures or anything to indicate how magic his "stick" was. Generally, it would have at least caused him to make a groin thrust and leer sleazily. That was the mildest thing the "old" Dudley would have done in response.
"Maybe he just needs a bit of food in his belly," Millie said. "I have dinner ready, why don't we pour some more wine-I know I'm sure as hell gonna need at least a bottle-and come to the table. Did you set it?" She looked at Dudley.
"Of course, kitten. I even put all the forks out, just like you said. I still don't know why we need more than one, but I did it just like you wanted."
Kitten? Harry actually threw up a little in his mouth, and might have bolted for the door if Ginny hadn't got behind him and pushed him towards the dining table, all perfectly bedecked for company.
Dudley, still at least four times larger than Harry, but only about twice as large as his intended wife, rushed to his seat and began to fill his plate with what Harry had to admit looked like a perfectly delicious shepherd's pie.
Millie gave him that look; the one Ginny was so good at (are women born knowing how to do that or do their mothers show them?), and Dudley appeared thoroughly chastised. He met Harry's eyes and gulped noticeably. "Sorry," he whispered, contritely. "We don't have company very often; I guess I forgot my manners."
Dear Merlin, Dudley Dursley had just apologised for his deficient manners. The apocalypse was nigh. Harry gulped down his wine and held out his glass for Millie to pour him some more. He gulped that down too and held his glass back out. This was no night to go sparing on the booze; when the world is on the brink of fiery explosion, you might as well end it in a drunken stupor.
Dudley waited until everyone else had sat down and filled their plates, and after a nod from Millie, Dudley smiled at her and heaped his plate a littler higher with food. She put a napkin across her lap, and Dudley followed her lead.
Millie began the conversation. "So, pipsqueak, save any worlds lately?" For all of her efforts at keeping Dudley in line, Millie didn't hesitate to be as rude as possible.
Dudley grinned at her in adoration. "It's hard having a cousin for a hero," Dudley said. "There's a lot to live up to."
Ginny glared at Millie and smiled her sweet smile at Dudley. She tried to steer the conversation away from her hero husband, for which Harry was grateful. "So tell me, Dudley, how did the two of you meet?"
Millie drained her own glass of wine. Dudley grinned and put down his fork-probably the Seventh Sign; someone should run outside and see if stones were falling from the sky or if the moon had crashed to earth.
Dudley seemed so anxious to talk about Millie that Harry couldn't help but be interested in what he was going to say. Probably they'd met at an all you can eat buffet and fought over the last roll-Harry snorted at his own silent joke, and Ginny kicked him under the table… hard and right in the ankle.
"I met Millie when she was dancing at the Poison Pussycat. I was a bartender and the first time I saw her tits, I knew I was in love."
Harry spit his wine across the table, staining the white lace tablecloth with purple dots, and probably humiliating Ginny in the process.
"If you're that interested, Potter, I could give you a show here on the table." Millie laughed, so Harry assumed his eyes must have doubled in size, and his skin probably paled, worried that she'd do just as she'd threatened. She was currently leaning over the table in a way that made her boobs sort of pop out of her dress, and it was impossible to turn away, no matter how much he wanted to stop looking.
Then, she did the unthinkable. Millie stood up and began to wiggle, and jiggle and dance around the room and fucking hell, she began to rub up against Harry, pinning him between the chair and table so he couldn't leave. There was gyrating and boobies and oh dear gods, make it stop. Harry, in his haste to get away, shoved Millie to the floor and ran, not realising his glasses were askew and that wall wasn't quite where he thought it was.
He remembered the thud-boy, he must have been running pretty fast to cause such a crash-and then the next thing he knew there was a hospital, St Mungo's in fact, and Ginny sitting in the chair beside his bed.
"What happened?" Harry asked, clutching his head and trying to get the room to stop spinning.
"You have concussion by boobies. It's an official diagnosis." Ginny giggled adding insult to literal injury.
"Oh dear Merlin, that really happened then? I was so hoping that was all a dream, or maybe we fell into some bizarro world where there's a nice Dudley, not an evil one."
"Your cousin's not evil. The verdict's still out on his future wife though."
"Which only goes to further that bizarro world theory. I think it merits some looking into. I'm going to take it to the Minister when I get back to work tomorrow."
"When you're talking to the Minister be sure to request the third Saturday of next month off. You're going to be your cousin's best man at his wedding."
"He's really marrying her then?" Harry rubbed his head and felt around on the side table for his glasses. If the world had to be crazy, it shouldn't be blurry too. "But Dudley hates our kind."
Ginny took Harry's hand and leaned forward to straighten his glasses. "His parents hated our kind, and they raised him that way. But he's grown up, and love changes people. It's really very romantic… or it would be, you know, if he wasn't marrying Millicent Bulstrode. But, I guess there's someone for everyone."
"You really think he loves her then?"
"Well, it's far less romantic if I don't believe that. Besides, she makes up for her abysmal personality with those amazing tits, don't you agree? You did get to see them up close."
Harry pulled the sheet up over his head. "I really hate you sometimes."
"Aww, poor baby. Maybe I could give you a little dance tonight and make it up to you."
He peeked back out from the sheet. "Naked dancing? I might not be so humiliated if there's naked dancing in my future."
"Well, Millie said it's very liberating to give your man a strip tease? She said there are some other things she could teach me that are liberating. And from the way you're looking at me, I guess I could stand a few hours in her company."
Harry gave this a quick ponder. "You know, I think I really should spend some time getting to know my cousin and this new person he's become. Maybe we should invite them over for tea tomorrow."
"You promise not to land yourself in the hospital?" Ginny asked.
"If you're going to be naked and jiggling, that's not a promise I can keep."
"Oh, you!" Ginny said, then leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "Just wait until I get to see you all dressed up for a wedding. You know what dress robes do to me."
"Ngh!" Harry gulped. Being Dudley's best man was definitely going to have its perks.
Author: luvscharlie
Prompt: 51. Dudley/Millicent "blood"
Pairings: Dudley Dursley/Millicent Bulstrode; Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley
Rating: Light R
Warnings: Off screen past character deaths, light adult content, language
Word count: 3,812
Summary/Excerpt: Harry had always believed that if Dudley ever found a woman foolish enough to marry the big oaf, she'd be the biggest Muggle that ever muggled. He couldn't be more wrong.
Author's notes: I opted to take the prompt of "blood" and explore the blood tie between Dudley and his only cousin. As much as this is Dudley's fest, it was Harry that most wanted to do the talking, so I let him. There are slight references to the old Demi Moore movie The Seventh Sign. Thanks to L. for the beta work.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all associated characters and settings remain the intellectual property of JK Rowling and her associates. We are very grateful for permission to play with them.
"Are you sure we have to go?" Harry asked, running his hand through his untameable hair. When he was finished it looked no different than when he'd started.
Ginny gave him that look. "He's making an effort to reconnect with you, Harry. Besides family is important, and you could stand to try a little harder. He's your cousin… the only one you have, and his parents were killed in a car crash a few months back. I'd think you could manage some empathy."
It was hard to mourn Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia, but Harry could at least appreciate that Dudley, who had been their shining star, must have been devastated by the loss. He also thought it was pretty ironic that his aunt and uncle had met death in the way they had told Harry his own parents had died. Still, Harry hadn't forgotten the misery of the life he had lived with the Dursleys. "I think I get a pass on this one." Harry crossed his arms, then caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror across the way, realised he looked all of ten years old, slumped and pouty and he uncrossed them quickly and stood up a little straighter. "I mean, I was the one who was tortured and tormented by the family monster for years."
"You had a family monster? Was it anything like the ghoul in the-err, that was figurative language, eh? How embarrassing." Ginny, ever the optimist, smiled and reached for her cloak. "And now you're being invited for dinner, and you're going to go and be polite. Dudley is your cousin and he says he has important news for you. Now go wash your face and tuck in your shirt so we're not late."
"Exactly when did you become my mother? I'm pretty sure I married you; I didn't beg you to adopt me."
Ginny put on the voice that went with that look. "I suggest you move. NOW."
"If you call me young man, I'm demanding a divorce." Despite his bit of sassy lip, Harry scampered away in fear, and only felt brave enough to mutter what a total bitch she was when he was in the loo and out of earshot. He obediently tucked in his shirt and washed his face. He looked at himself in the mirror and ran a rebellious hand all through his hair to make it look more mussed than usual.
The mirror, traitor that it was, sounded out in an alarmingly loud and clear voice. "You can't entertain company if you do that to your hair."
"Oh my god, shut up!" Harry hissed, keeping his voice as quiet as possible.
"He's trying to make himself a fright!" the Mirror chimed out.
"Tattle tale!" Harry stuck out his tongue before exiting the loo, and the mirror screeched at his retreating back, "Could you be any more childish, Harry James Potter?"
He was just about to respond that the mirror was going to be finding itself out in the rubbish bin next trash morning, when he looked up and saw Ginny, arms crossed (and not looking nearly so childish as he had just a few minutes before) and tapping her foot, with a look that made it pretty clear he wasn't getting lucky later tonight. Damn. He'd really been hoping to look forward to that as he suffered through dinner with one of his least favourite people in the world.
"I was just giving the mirror a firm talking to. It intentionally made your bum look big in your new dress," Harry said. Ginny glared. Bad idea, then. Pasting a fake smile on his face, Harry offered a gentlemanly arm to his wife. "Ready then?"
Ginny pinched his ear and gave it a hard tug, and then took his arm and Apparated them both to the Apparation point nearest to Dudley's address.
"You know," Harry said, "this looks a little like Hogsmeade."
"You are a sharp one." Ginny deadpanned the words and then pointed her wand at a sign that read 'The Three Broomsticks'.
Harry was taken aback. He wasn't sure what to make of any of this. What the bloody hell was Dudley doing anywhere near Hogsmeade? In fact, Harry was pretty sure that Dudley's type wasn't allowed anywhere near the wizarding village, and equally sure that it was the last place that Dudley would ever want to be, given his fear of magic.
Ginny looked at a tiny piece of parchment that she had folded in her pocket and turned left.
"Where did you get that?" Harry asked.
"From your cousin, of course. It's his address and our invitation to dinner."
"On parchment?" When did Dudley start using parchment? Parchment was for wizards. "How did it arrive?" Harry asked.
Ginny snorted. "Harry, did that mirror grow arms and knock every bit of sense from your head? It came by owl, of course."
Harry's mouth just fell open. "By owl? By owl? Are you absolutely sure?"
Ginny had lost her patience with his questions. "Well, I guess the owl that flew through our kitchen window could have been an elephant in disguise." She swatted him on the head with the parchment in her hand. "Yes, I'm absolutely sure it was an owl."
"But, but-" Harry was just walking beside Ginny following where she lead. "I mean, Dudley's a Muggle."
"I know that. His girlfriend, however, is apparently a witch."
He might have focused on the witch part, except that wasn't the most shocking word Ginny had said. Granted, nothing about the sentence felt right, but Harry focused on the most ludicrous part: "Dudley's got a girlfriend?"
"He does. The letter from your cousin indicated that the witch was in your year at school. So, apparently we know her."
That narrowed things down. Harry immediately grimaced. If he had to spend an evening with Pansy Parkinson and Dudley Dursley… "I think I want to go back home now." Harry was feeling nauseous.
Ginny grabbed Harry's hand and tugged him along as he scuffed his feet and whined incessantly. Harry only stopped complaining when Ginny threatened no sex for a week. One evening of terror wasn't worth a week's worth of lonely Little Harry. Little Harry would be sad. Thus, Harry pasted on his false face, and attempted to convince himself that there was a positive side to the evening; his wife was about to get a tableside seat to the terror that had been his childhood. That would surely earn him some good sympathy sex. He didn't believe his cousin had changed that much. Dudley might have grown up, but he was still a Dursley down deep where it counted. He'd probably only invited Harry over to give him a super wedgie or something. Funny, there were some things that no matter how old you got, you just didn't outgrow or overcome.
They arrived at the door to Dudley's Hogsmeade villa in a few minutes, and Harry had to admit that the place had a nice cosy ambiance about it. It almost felt-Harry hated to admit it but the word that was bouncing around inside his head was "homey".
Ginny knocked and gave Harry that look again. He was going to have to reconsider ever having children; that look was something that he thought mothers probably did to let children know they were out of line, and it was terrifying. Their children would need therapy for years if Ginny got any better at that.
The door was thrown open by Dudley, who hurled himself at Harry and grabbed him up into a bone-crushing, rib-breaking hug. "Little Cousin!" Dudley shouted, swinging Harry about. "Oh, it's so good to see you!"
"Ribs… pain… probably not supposed to be making that crunching sound… OWWW!" Harry was certain if this went on much longer he was going to get out of dinner, but make a one way trip straight to St Mungo's to remove the pointy end of his rib from his newly deflated lung.
And that's when bad got worse. Dudley's girlfriend came out to "save" the day. It wasn't Pansy Parkinson… but it wasn't much better either.
"Drop him this instant!" Millicent Bulstrode had her hands on her wide hips, and she was sending her best Slytherin glare in Dudley's immediate direction. It was eerily similar to Ginny's "look". Did girls become a certain age and gain that magical power? Was it preparation for putting the fear of Merlin in their future children?
Of course, if Dudley was going to be attracted to a witch, it only made sense that it would be a Slytherin. Harry was rubbing his side and glaring at the witch before him.
Ginny took the high road and tried to make nice. "Hello, Millie. It's been a long time since I last saw you. In fact, I do believe the last time was when I glimpsed your big old skirt running out of Hogwarts right before the Final Battle."
Okay, perhaps Ginny's high road wasn't so high. But he was relatively proud of his wife's spunk. She was a spitfire when she wanted to be, his Ginny.
Millie clenched her fists, but with a look from Dudley she pasted one of Harry's fake smiles on her face (he'd recognise that anywhere), invited her guests inside and offered them some wine. Harry couldn't get his glass fast enough. He drained the first one and asked for a refill immediately. With wine came fortification-he hoped.
Dudley grinned. "You sure about that, little cos? I mean, you're a bit of a light weight and this is some pretty strong libations."
Harry didn't think they made wine strong enough to get him through the night, and when had Dudley learned a word with three whole syllables? He even used it correctly in the sentence. "Hit me again." Dudley poured him a small bit in his wine glass and handed it over. Then he moved the bottle to the kitchen and away from Harry.
"How you been, Cousin?" Dudley asked. "We haven't talked in so long; I was really excited when my Millie said that she'd got an owl back accepting our invite for dinner."
Harry scowled at Ginny, who had obviously accepted days before, though Harry had only learned of the dinner today. Ginny grinned guiltily. Harry opted for polite acceptance. "It's good to see you, Dudley. Thank you for the invite." He even left out the part that if Dudley pinched him or kicked him under the table, he'd hex his arse faster than he could say Gooseberry Jam.
"Well, I'm getting married and I had to get you over here to agree to be my best man, didn't I?"
"Well-er-um-ugh-eep." There were just no words that would form, despite Harry's many attempts to make them flow past his lips. He wanted to say, 'You're marrying her? Dear Merlin, your children will be hideous! Don't do it!' And he was surprised that the words didn't flow before he could rein them back in. Usually, it was the words he wanted to take back that were a problem, not the ones he couldn't form.
Dudley grinned. "My Millie-girl did that." He near beamed with pride. "She said you'd be a bit of a snot when you got here, so for the first hour, you're not allowed to say anything insulting. It'll ruin dinner. Millie hates when dinner gets ruined. After that you'll be free to speak your mind, but I warn you, Harry, my girl, she's got a temper."
Harry found it most disturbing that out of the two of them-Millie and Dudley-Millie was the one that Harry needed to be fearful of. After his childhood, it was sort of difficult to imagine worse than Dudley. Harry wanted to say something about Millicent Bulstrode's temper; he even opened his mouth and formed the words. They came out all wrong. They came out, "Who? Millie? She's sweet as pie."
Dudley giggled. "She's something, eh? That's one of hers too. She does love compliments, my Millie. Keeps me laughing with her little spells and jokes."
Harry's head was beginning to pound and the world was going kind of tilty. He reached out and grasped a green chair in the living room. He tried to think back to yesterday. He was pretty sure the world didn't end, but he wasn't ruling out having been propelled into some bizarro world. It was certainly an easier to believe explanation than the idea that Dudley had changed this much. He hadn't clocked Harry once since he'd come in; there'd been that bone crunching hug, but Harry was pretty sure that was affectionate. Painful… but genuinely affectionate.
Just when Harry was beginning to think that this was Ron polyjuiced as some type of practical joke (and a good one, Harry had to admit!), Dudley thumped Harry on the back of the head.
"I think you've forgot your manners, cousin. You haven't introduced me to this lovely lady you've brought with you."
Lovely lady? A thump from Dudley that didn't really hurt, hadn't even knocked his glasses askew much-Harry didn't know what to say. Bizarro World. Just had to be. As he stammered and imitated a fish by opening and closing his mouth, Ginny stepped forward all smiles and introduced herself to Dudley as Harry's wife.
"Millie saw you'd got married in that silly paper that the owl brings. Did you know the pictures wave? And sometimes, if I spill my morning coffee on the ladies, they screech and run and fuss about how I've ruined their hair." Dudley chuckled and Harry found that it was a little infectious. He giggled a bit himself.
Then Dudley kissed Ginny's proffered hand, and Harry choked a bit on his tongue. He was convinced; Polyjuice had to be the answer. He wondered if there was Polyjuice Potion in Bizarro World. That would really explain things. Dudley Dursley didn't act this way… ever. Harry began looking hard at Dudley for any clue as to his true identity.
"We're testing a new Wheezes product, aren't we?" Harry gave Ginny a look that indicated that he was on to this scheme and he'd worked it all out.
Ginny was playing the coy actress. She shook her head negatively and looked like Harry was embarrassing her. He'd seen that blush too many times not to recognise it.
Millie came back into the room at that time and looked back and forth at each of them. "What's going on here?" she asked.
"I think my cousin's having some kind of an episode." Dudley whispered, but he'd never been that good at quiet talk, and everyone heard him. He leaned towards Ginny and put his hand up in secretive fashion to cover his mouth. "Should we get him to a doctor or a healer-Millie says you all use healers, I keep forgetting? Maybe he got zapped at work earlier and he's losing his marbles. Millie says that can happen if you're not careful with your magic sticks. It's why she doesn't allow me to touch hers."
Dudley hadn't followed that up with any rude gestures or anything to indicate how magic his "stick" was. Generally, it would have at least caused him to make a groin thrust and leer sleazily. That was the mildest thing the "old" Dudley would have done in response.
"Maybe he just needs a bit of food in his belly," Millie said. "I have dinner ready, why don't we pour some more wine-I know I'm sure as hell gonna need at least a bottle-and come to the table. Did you set it?" She looked at Dudley.
"Of course, kitten. I even put all the forks out, just like you said. I still don't know why we need more than one, but I did it just like you wanted."
Kitten? Harry actually threw up a little in his mouth, and might have bolted for the door if Ginny hadn't got behind him and pushed him towards the dining table, all perfectly bedecked for company.
Dudley, still at least four times larger than Harry, but only about twice as large as his intended wife, rushed to his seat and began to fill his plate with what Harry had to admit looked like a perfectly delicious shepherd's pie.
Millie gave him that look; the one Ginny was so good at (are women born knowing how to do that or do their mothers show them?), and Dudley appeared thoroughly chastised. He met Harry's eyes and gulped noticeably. "Sorry," he whispered, contritely. "We don't have company very often; I guess I forgot my manners."
Dear Merlin, Dudley Dursley had just apologised for his deficient manners. The apocalypse was nigh. Harry gulped down his wine and held out his glass for Millie to pour him some more. He gulped that down too and held his glass back out. This was no night to go sparing on the booze; when the world is on the brink of fiery explosion, you might as well end it in a drunken stupor.
Dudley waited until everyone else had sat down and filled their plates, and after a nod from Millie, Dudley smiled at her and heaped his plate a littler higher with food. She put a napkin across her lap, and Dudley followed her lead.
Millie began the conversation. "So, pipsqueak, save any worlds lately?" For all of her efforts at keeping Dudley in line, Millie didn't hesitate to be as rude as possible.
Dudley grinned at her in adoration. "It's hard having a cousin for a hero," Dudley said. "There's a lot to live up to."
Ginny glared at Millie and smiled her sweet smile at Dudley. She tried to steer the conversation away from her hero husband, for which Harry was grateful. "So tell me, Dudley, how did the two of you meet?"
Millie drained her own glass of wine. Dudley grinned and put down his fork-probably the Seventh Sign; someone should run outside and see if stones were falling from the sky or if the moon had crashed to earth.
Dudley seemed so anxious to talk about Millie that Harry couldn't help but be interested in what he was going to say. Probably they'd met at an all you can eat buffet and fought over the last roll-Harry snorted at his own silent joke, and Ginny kicked him under the table… hard and right in the ankle.
"I met Millie when she was dancing at the Poison Pussycat. I was a bartender and the first time I saw her tits, I knew I was in love."
Harry spit his wine across the table, staining the white lace tablecloth with purple dots, and probably humiliating Ginny in the process.
"If you're that interested, Potter, I could give you a show here on the table." Millie laughed, so Harry assumed his eyes must have doubled in size, and his skin probably paled, worried that she'd do just as she'd threatened. She was currently leaning over the table in a way that made her boobs sort of pop out of her dress, and it was impossible to turn away, no matter how much he wanted to stop looking.
Then, she did the unthinkable. Millie stood up and began to wiggle, and jiggle and dance around the room and fucking hell, she began to rub up against Harry, pinning him between the chair and table so he couldn't leave. There was gyrating and boobies and oh dear gods, make it stop. Harry, in his haste to get away, shoved Millie to the floor and ran, not realising his glasses were askew and that wall wasn't quite where he thought it was.
He remembered the thud-boy, he must have been running pretty fast to cause such a crash-and then the next thing he knew there was a hospital, St Mungo's in fact, and Ginny sitting in the chair beside his bed.
"What happened?" Harry asked, clutching his head and trying to get the room to stop spinning.
"You have concussion by boobies. It's an official diagnosis." Ginny giggled adding insult to literal injury.
"Oh dear Merlin, that really happened then? I was so hoping that was all a dream, or maybe we fell into some bizarro world where there's a nice Dudley, not an evil one."
"Your cousin's not evil. The verdict's still out on his future wife though."
"Which only goes to further that bizarro world theory. I think it merits some looking into. I'm going to take it to the Minister when I get back to work tomorrow."
"When you're talking to the Minister be sure to request the third Saturday of next month off. You're going to be your cousin's best man at his wedding."
"He's really marrying her then?" Harry rubbed his head and felt around on the side table for his glasses. If the world had to be crazy, it shouldn't be blurry too. "But Dudley hates our kind."
Ginny took Harry's hand and leaned forward to straighten his glasses. "His parents hated our kind, and they raised him that way. But he's grown up, and love changes people. It's really very romantic… or it would be, you know, if he wasn't marrying Millicent Bulstrode. But, I guess there's someone for everyone."
"You really think he loves her then?"
"Well, it's far less romantic if I don't believe that. Besides, she makes up for her abysmal personality with those amazing tits, don't you agree? You did get to see them up close."
Harry pulled the sheet up over his head. "I really hate you sometimes."
"Aww, poor baby. Maybe I could give you a little dance tonight and make it up to you."
He peeked back out from the sheet. "Naked dancing? I might not be so humiliated if there's naked dancing in my future."
"Well, Millie said it's very liberating to give your man a strip tease? She said there are some other things she could teach me that are liberating. And from the way you're looking at me, I guess I could stand a few hours in her company."
Harry gave this a quick ponder. "You know, I think I really should spend some time getting to know my cousin and this new person he's become. Maybe we should invite them over for tea tomorrow."
"You promise not to land yourself in the hospital?" Ginny asked.
"If you're going to be naked and jiggling, that's not a promise I can keep."
"Oh, you!" Ginny said, then leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "Just wait until I get to see you all dressed up for a wedding. You know what dress robes do to me."
"Ngh!" Harry gulped. Being Dudley's best man was definitely going to have its perks.