sixteen
mama used to warn me
to beware those latin lovers
she said "i gave my heart too soon
and that's how i became your mother"
i said "ay mama, you seem to forget
i'm not in love yet
sweet talk don't win me over"
but i realize
big brown eyes can hypnotize
hahaha whatever.
i'm back in orlando. i had a good time in asia, but i missed my mom. i brought her back an assortment of fancy chopsticks, because i've realized that i need to learn how to stir-fry immediately. mom's got a wok she's never used before, and there's a gourmet food store nearby that offers stir-fry lessons, so i figure hey, what's stopping me?
in sort of related news, i'm trying to figure out what kind of diet i want to go on. i could do a juice fast or something, or i could eat only vegetables, some kind of "lose it fast while completely depriving yourself and being miserable" deal, or i could get back into bodybuilding. when you bodybuild, you eat a loooooot, and that obviously appeals to me, but it's also a hell of a lot of work, balancing the protein and fat and carbs and all of that. not to even mention all the weight-training. it's a hell of a commitment, and i'm not sure that that's what i want to do with my life. i don't want to be amanda latona, champion bodybuilder. i want to be amanda latona, popstar. and man, it was great competing. it was so cool being on stage in a tiny bikini while people cheered, and it was fucking awesome when i won. but i know what those girls are like. those women. they devote their whole lives to it, they have to watch every single thing they eat. they're always working out, and they're bulky and tough and kind of scary and so competitive, and i don't think that's a life i could ever completely adjust to. it could be fun, and i bet i'd even enjoy it a lot of the time, but i don't think that's my destiny. i could never be truly happy doing that.
sometimes i wonder if i've put too many eggs into the popstar basket. i don't have a job now. i model occasionally, but i don't really have a source of income. all of my skills are for things like singing and modeling and celebrity impersonation, shit like that. i don't really have computer skills or people skills or any skills, really. i never went to college. so what happens if it never works out for me? i'm only twenty-six, what am i going to do with the next fifty years of my life if i never make it big as a singer? i just can't give up on it, because i've put so much into it. i've invested so many, many years, and i feel like...shouldn't i be owed something? when do i get to cash in? but it might never happen. i might just be spinning these stupid wheels, and god, i hope i'm not still doing this when i'm thirty. or forty. i need to have more in my life. i need some kind of purpose, maybe a direction or a goal. something i can work towards, something that depends on me, not some jackass record mogul. maybe i should go back to school. maybe i should get a job in an office. i could answer phones, maybe. maybe i could be a waitress, i definitely love food. i've spent so much time defining myself as "amanda latona, girlfriend to the stars" that i've never really stopped to think about what happens to me when that label isn't enough anymore.
to beware those latin lovers
she said "i gave my heart too soon
and that's how i became your mother"
i said "ay mama, you seem to forget
i'm not in love yet
sweet talk don't win me over"
but i realize
big brown eyes can hypnotize
hahaha whatever.
i'm back in orlando. i had a good time in asia, but i missed my mom. i brought her back an assortment of fancy chopsticks, because i've realized that i need to learn how to stir-fry immediately. mom's got a wok she's never used before, and there's a gourmet food store nearby that offers stir-fry lessons, so i figure hey, what's stopping me?
in sort of related news, i'm trying to figure out what kind of diet i want to go on. i could do a juice fast or something, or i could eat only vegetables, some kind of "lose it fast while completely depriving yourself and being miserable" deal, or i could get back into bodybuilding. when you bodybuild, you eat a loooooot, and that obviously appeals to me, but it's also a hell of a lot of work, balancing the protein and fat and carbs and all of that. not to even mention all the weight-training. it's a hell of a commitment, and i'm not sure that that's what i want to do with my life. i don't want to be amanda latona, champion bodybuilder. i want to be amanda latona, popstar. and man, it was great competing. it was so cool being on stage in a tiny bikini while people cheered, and it was fucking awesome when i won. but i know what those girls are like. those women. they devote their whole lives to it, they have to watch every single thing they eat. they're always working out, and they're bulky and tough and kind of scary and so competitive, and i don't think that's a life i could ever completely adjust to. it could be fun, and i bet i'd even enjoy it a lot of the time, but i don't think that's my destiny. i could never be truly happy doing that.
sometimes i wonder if i've put too many eggs into the popstar basket. i don't have a job now. i model occasionally, but i don't really have a source of income. all of my skills are for things like singing and modeling and celebrity impersonation, shit like that. i don't really have computer skills or people skills or any skills, really. i never went to college. so what happens if it never works out for me? i'm only twenty-six, what am i going to do with the next fifty years of my life if i never make it big as a singer? i just can't give up on it, because i've put so much into it. i've invested so many, many years, and i feel like...shouldn't i be owed something? when do i get to cash in? but it might never happen. i might just be spinning these stupid wheels, and god, i hope i'm not still doing this when i'm thirty. or forty. i need to have more in my life. i need some kind of purpose, maybe a direction or a goal. something i can work towards, something that depends on me, not some jackass record mogul. maybe i should go back to school. maybe i should get a job in an office. i could answer phones, maybe. maybe i could be a waitress, i definitely love food. i've spent so much time defining myself as "amanda latona, girlfriend to the stars" that i've never really stopped to think about what happens to me when that label isn't enough anymore.