To Whom It May Concern:
I just wrote a big paragraph, but then realised it made no sense. So I deleted it. I will try to ameliorate this deprivation by re-writing it. Yay for cool vocab words. So anyways....
I think that a lot of the time, if someone bothered to ask how I felt (not in the "how are you doin?!" kind of a way, but in a more... real kind of way) that person would find, upon hearing my response that I feel nothing. I think that this may be sorta distressing. And sometimes I do FEEL that this lack of feeling and emotion is really irritating. I never feel happy, never really sad. Glum sometimes. The feeling I feel the most is just that I am. Is this not normal? To not feel satisfied, yet not restless, nor that change is required.
Sometimes I think that thought is also absent. I know this seems paradoxical. Ususally it is an afterthought. A lot of the time I seem to be more of an observer. I like to see, listen, and watch people, their pets, their interations, their surroundings. I really don't think while doing this. Just watching. Framing pictures in my mind.
That pops up in my mind all the time. Boy, if I could capture anything I saw, and print it on paper or save it as a .jpeg (or some better format :-P) I definately would. People, for as indifferent I am towards them, are fun to watch. To capture true emotion is hard in a pose. It's easier to see without a camera.
Someday I hope that really nice cameras, like the one I have now, will be tiny. That way I could take it anywhere and take people's pictures without them knowing. I'd be able to capture true emotion with ease, in a natural environment.
Why am I writing all this, for you to read? I don't know, I wasn't thinking about what I was writing. I'm just here pounding away at the clicking keys of this construction of small plastic pieces. Oh man, I almost had a typo. I caught it though. There are probably a few more in here somewhere.
I should probably go now and read something that I have to for school.
Often I find myself with my eyes tightly shut, my entire body under a blanket or two, listening to a good song. Not thinking, not feeling: just existing. My soul seems to merge with the melody, weld to the words. My innerself feels most complete at that moment.
I wish I had someone to share myself with. I get bored being all alone. I have no one to tell my problems to. No one to confide my secrets in. No one tell me their secrets. I can't just go out with anyone though. I need to be able to feel that I'll be able to love them with all that I have to give first. And for as much as I like to watch people, I have a hard time reading them, unless I know them really well; then it's easy. I can read my mom like a book, and she can read me like a book.
I'm gonna write some more so that that last paragraph isn't the last one... People would be more likely to read it if it were the last one out of this long post.... I wonder how many words it is... I think I've been writing this foe like a half an hour.
I actually am reading for pleasure right now. I'm excited because I really like the book. It's a little like the Catcher in the Rye, only not so angsty. I honestly like this book a lot better (a real lot), especially since I really didn't care for Salinger's book too much. I just got sick of the character after a while. Anyways, I like pleasure reading, and I think I need to do it more than I do it now. I need to write more too. I like writing, even if it's just long, rambling journal entries like this one. Only there are some things I don't think I'd ever write in here.