(no subject)
I don't quite know how to start....
there's so much feeling fighting to be expressed first...
plant the thought, watch it grow...
wind it up and let it go...
i have to believe in the impossible. I cannot let myself believe in never....so much of what i want, what i long for and dream of is out of reach...it's not impossible because if it is i have nothing left to live for....
being forever out of reach of what i long for hurts more than i know how to deal with...
but there's no real alternative for me...
I've long passed the point where i thought that giving up was an option. After all the things i've been through, the number of times i've thought i was broken past repair only to move on and heal....so i guess i'll just wait some more....
it breaks my heart sometimes....to see life going on around me...beautiful pictures of such happy people...smiles that make your world spin around....
i can see beyond all the happy laughter....and i see once again the pain and fear, and resentment at those who have caused such pain...but never once has the pattern changed...
but oh, how such a mistake can break my heart!!!! Such a gorgeous wonderful amazing and heatfelt mistake....how can such a thing even be a mistake... but so it is called and time moves on newly filled with loathing and fear and hate and....longing...and lust and passion...
of course the passion never flickers, the lust never falters, they're never fed or indulged...just watched over, fearing that they might once again take over logic and 'cause havoc....I fear that this time, their incautious actions have rent apart the fragile connections that had been created....
oh i hope it's not too late...i don't regret, i only wish i could go back to do it again...relive what still seems like a dream...don't let it break now after this long....i don't think i could bear it...it's been so long since the beginning, and i've built up so much that depends on it...
I pretend not to know what 'causes my insomnia, but i can't sleep because i fear that something else i dream up may come true and break even more of my world into pieces.
it's so easy to be happy, but it's even easier to be scared and sad...if only i could just change what i wanted...i've tried, shifting allegiance to something easier to achieve...but i just can't give up that illusive goal...i always reach too far and try for too much, and then it breaks my heart when i fail...
but after having perfect happiness what else can i want but more perfect happiness? each day seems exactly like the one before...i do different things, but my life stays in exactly the same place...i'm not getting anywhere anymore...
i don't know how much longer i can keep doing this...It may be time to pick it all up and leave again...just start over somewhere new and hope for the best...I have an idea of where I would go if i had to leave...Just run into my own secret retreat and heal for a while, and try to forget what i'm leaving behind.
But leaving home was so hard before, what makes this different? I can't stay away; this place just brings out the best in me, and i can't bear to be anything except the best of myself...
But at least for a while i can try
so i think i will...pack up and leave for a while so that things can calm down a little inside of me...just try to get a bit of fresh air and clear my head...
there's so much feeling fighting to be expressed first...
plant the thought, watch it grow...
wind it up and let it go...
i have to believe in the impossible. I cannot let myself believe in never....so much of what i want, what i long for and dream of is out of reach...it's not impossible because if it is i have nothing left to live for....
being forever out of reach of what i long for hurts more than i know how to deal with...
but there's no real alternative for me...
I've long passed the point where i thought that giving up was an option. After all the things i've been through, the number of times i've thought i was broken past repair only to move on and heal....so i guess i'll just wait some more....
it breaks my heart sometimes....to see life going on around me...beautiful pictures of such happy people...smiles that make your world spin around....
i can see beyond all the happy laughter....and i see once again the pain and fear, and resentment at those who have caused such pain...but never once has the pattern changed...
but oh, how such a mistake can break my heart!!!! Such a gorgeous wonderful amazing and heatfelt mistake....how can such a thing even be a mistake... but so it is called and time moves on newly filled with loathing and fear and hate and....longing...and lust and passion...
of course the passion never flickers, the lust never falters, they're never fed or indulged...just watched over, fearing that they might once again take over logic and 'cause havoc....I fear that this time, their incautious actions have rent apart the fragile connections that had been created....
oh i hope it's not too late...i don't regret, i only wish i could go back to do it again...relive what still seems like a dream...don't let it break now after this long....i don't think i could bear it...it's been so long since the beginning, and i've built up so much that depends on it...
I pretend not to know what 'causes my insomnia, but i can't sleep because i fear that something else i dream up may come true and break even more of my world into pieces.
it's so easy to be happy, but it's even easier to be scared and sad...if only i could just change what i wanted...i've tried, shifting allegiance to something easier to achieve...but i just can't give up that illusive goal...i always reach too far and try for too much, and then it breaks my heart when i fail...
but after having perfect happiness what else can i want but more perfect happiness? each day seems exactly like the one before...i do different things, but my life stays in exactly the same place...i'm not getting anywhere anymore...
i don't know how much longer i can keep doing this...It may be time to pick it all up and leave again...just start over somewhere new and hope for the best...I have an idea of where I would go if i had to leave...Just run into my own secret retreat and heal for a while, and try to forget what i'm leaving behind.
But leaving home was so hard before, what makes this different? I can't stay away; this place just brings out the best in me, and i can't bear to be anything except the best of myself...
But at least for a while i can try
so i think i will...pack up and leave for a while so that things can calm down a little inside of me...just try to get a bit of fresh air and clear my head...